Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Should we let our friend bring a date my fiance doesn't like?


Dear ESB,

My FH and I are getting married in 10 days. A good friend of ours recently started dating one of his colleagues, a person who FH is not too fond of (he has expressed this to her). Yesterday, said friend sent a text message (YES, a TEXT) to my FH that read:

"I know you really don't like my boyfriend, but we are in love. Can I please bring him to the wedding?"

Now to complicate the situation futher, my FH made a rule from the beginning that he would not invite any colleagues to the wedding.

So at 10 days out from the wedding, we have the following problems including this extra guest:

    •    we already did the table set up
    •    FH doesn't like him
    •    FH doesn't want any colleagues there
 
BUT

We have allowed all other partners up until now.

What to do?!?

Okthanksbye


*****

LET HER BRING HER BOYFRIEND. Sheesh. 

(Pixie Geldof photo by Alasdair McLellan for British Vogue via Refinery29 via kidchamp)

32 comments:

  1. i say no ;) not worth hampering his day. just say seating is tight and there's no room. she should've asked sooner and NOT VIA TEXT.

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  2. agreed. ten day is too short of notice, imho. though i guess i'd like to know how long they've been dating. arbitrary, but a measure.

    though, as a cautionary tale, i sort of uninvited a "fiance" of a good friend as i really don't like him and did not want him to attend. and said friend doesn't really talk to me anymore. which stinks. i'm glad i stuck to my guns, but i also wish i kept my mouth shut.

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  3. nope. blame it on the short notice.

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  4. is the guy really such a shit that he will do something that will ruin the groom's day? there were a few people at our wedding i wasn't exactly fond of, but that happens when you have a wedding and invite people. did you invite her plus a guest? if so you HAVE to accept the unwanted.

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  5. Eh. I'd let her bring him. The text message was totally rude, but if you haven't vetoed anybody else's date, why start now? If this girl is a good friend of you both, you're going to have to learn to put up with the boyfriend anyway. If you exclude him and things get really serious between the two, it could be a sore spot for years. Plus, it's generally not that hard to squeeze one more chair at a table. We actually ended up redoing our seating chart the morning of the wedding(!) after a couple of last minutes cancellations and additions.

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  6. I'm with ESB. Friend is being totally rude and weird, but if you are ten days out, the best thing you can do right now is not get riled up about this stuff/avoid drama. You have enough going on. You will not even remember he was there later.

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  7. Come on now. You let everyone else bring their partners, you have to let her bring him. Well I suppose you don't have to, you just should. She is your friend and this is the man she chose. You either have to accept them as a set or be prepared to lose this friend. How would either of you feel toward a friend who told you that your significant other was not welcome?
    If this fellow is honestly so horrid that you would rather lose a friend than have him attend the wedding, so be it.

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  8. i can't believe anyone would say let her bring him! its your wedding and its 10 freaking days before! she's got some serious nerve even asking that and putting you in that sort of position when she knows how you feel - how selfish of her on your day!

    and she realizes it costs money to feed people right? (assuming this would be adding to your final guest count)

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  9. I'm in a bitch when I'm alone, so that "but we're in love" bit in the text would make me toss the phone aside while saying, "Like a give a fawk?" But I'd still let her bring him. I'm a big wuss.

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  10. Normally I'd say suck it up and let her bring her boyfriend BUT since it's 10 days out I think you could say no because it's just too last minute. If she pulled this shizz a month before the wedding, then it would probably be a different story.

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  11. This good friend of yours doesn't seem to get some of those basic social cues. You have completely valid points, esp the no coworkers bit, and could totally get away with saying no. You just have to ask yourself if this is what you want to deal with for the next 10 days.

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  12. I think it depends on how big your wedding is. If it's 20 people, obviously he is going to talk to the guy if it's like 200, invite him. He is not going to notice him.

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  13. yeahhh I have to say let her bring the guy. 10 days out is short notice but you will probably get even more last-minute additions/cancelations, so you may want to keep that seating chart pretty fluid until a day or two before the wedding (we had a handful of adds/drops the last week). it's true that unless this guy is totally out of control you will probably not even notice he's there. the fact that the guy's a co-worker seems to count less than the fact that your very good friend is in love with him..

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  14. i have mixed feelings on this.
    a) who sends a text message like that and ends it with "but we're in love"? that seems a little teenage whiney to me.

    b) however, i see your point. we had a private, family/godparents ceremony. my teenage cousins decided to tell me that they were bringing their high school girlfriends/creepy boyfriends to the wedding. (they weren't invited). so i called up my aunt + explained that i had designed our ceremony with only having people we love in the room. and that did not include high school/creepy significant others i had never met. i also told her that they were welcome at the reception. honestly? i didn't even notice that they were there. if all goes well, you won't even notice that they're around.

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  15. I concur. Let her bring him. She's being rude, but that doesn't mean you have to be. Better person and all that. (unless it's like 20 people, like anna said)

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  16. Normally I'd say suck it up, you guys will be so busy, wrapped up in love, etc. that in the end the guy probably wouldn't even be noticed. BUT, as someone that has an upcoming wedding myself, if someone asked me 10 days before the wedding if they could bring someone, I'd feel guilty but I'd probably have to say no. It's such late notice. Chances are you've already got seating settled and headcount for food, no? If they've been dating and in love for some time she should have asked much earlier.

    That being said, if it's no skin off your back as far as seating/food goes and it's just a matter of not liking the guy, just let her bring him. Seriously, he won't ruin the day unless your fiance lets him.

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  17. DON'T LET HER BRING HIM! And I would really consider your relationship with this person because that was extremely rude of her to ask. Its not like she cannot go one night with out her bf! Jeez! Forget it!

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  18. If you're having a huge wedding you won't notice him, but if it's a small wedding then I would say tell your friend she's S.O.L. Just say it's too short of notice and you're past your deadline to the venue. I have strong feelings about not having anyone I don't like at our wedding (I have one uncle I'd prefer to uninvite, but he's family so I have no choice). So what if your friend is in love....your wedding is not about her. She's got her whole life to be in love with this guy...she can't be apart from him for one day?

    geez.

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  19. Honestly, it's probably just not worth it to fight it.

    We ended up with a few hangers on (that I totally stressed about). A few ended up pretty fun to have at the wedding (who knew), and then another couple that acted exactly like this didn't SHOW UP. I knoooowwwwwww. But, it happens. And it just wasn't worth my energy to fight it 10ish days out. There comes a point where you just have to roll your eyes and take the low stress option and move on.

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  21. Haha... I was going to say the exact opposite of ESB! I was all "hell no!"

    BUT. You know what? I have about 10 guests I don't want at my wedding. (long story. not worth it.) And I am going to party through the night and just enjoy myself- which is what I would have done if they were there or not. And you and your FH can do the same thing. If I can stomach 10, you can stomach 1. No worries, dear. Don't let a silly bf
    steal the joy from you or your FH on your big day. But who am I to tell you what to do?

    And I don't think choosing to blame it on short notice is the right thing to do. I don't think blaming it on anything is the right thing to do. I think if you tell your friend she cannot bring this bf, you need to be honest and tell her that you worked hard on your guest list, selecting people you really, truly want to share the day with.
    and unfortunately the new bf isn't on that list. she will understand. and if she doesn't... well, further conversations need to be had and you have a whole new "dear ESB" email to write. :)

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  22. I think the no colleagues one is the biggest issue. Not the seating or the headcount (most venues require 1 week notice), and honestly, if you call them and tell them, "Hey, guess what, we need to spend MORE money with you, so can you squeeze in one more dish?" is probably not going to be an issue, unless you're teetering the fire code already. Reshuffling the tables probably would be annoying, but it wouldn't be a big issue. I am a firm believer in the +1 if you are attached rule ... in fact, I think going to a wedding alone is harder if you're in a new-lovey-dovey relationship than if you're married.

    But. BUT.

    He hasn't invited any co-workers (a good rule). Even though he can use the excuse of, "He wasn't specifically invited, he was a plus 1" (a valid excuse), this may cause some major problems for him. My cousin is getting married next week, and she and her fiance are good friends with my uncle's direct subordinate. Such good friends, that they asked him to be a groomsman. My uncle was peeved that he didn't get a heads-up, seeing as, well, this guy works for him.

    In short, it can get sticky.

    However, if this is just "a good excuse" to not invite him because you don't really like him, well, I agree - suck it up and let her bring him.

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  23. I had this exact situation for my wedding and it was one of our groomsmen and his girlfriend reall y skeeved my fiance and I so we just pulled him aside, explained that we'd really appreciate it if she did not come along. He was very sweet and all was well. So I say, hell, have who YOU want to have at your f*in wedding. After all...it's your f*in wedding.

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  24. I'm in the hell no camp, but we legitimately have to turn in a head count two weeks before the wedding. That would be my excuse in this situation, but if I didn't have such an excuse I'd come up with one. She can spend an evening away from him.

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  25. 10 days is ridiculous. eff no.

    "i'm in love" doesn't mean you need to spend every millisecond with the guy.

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  26. as far as i'm concerned, "recently started dating" is NOT EQUAL TO "partner". not even close.

    HOWEVA. to be honest, this is one of those situations where i'd think, "sigh. this is not worth the fight," and let her bring the guy. that said, i recently purchased a book called, _When_I_Say_No_I_Feel_Guilty_, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

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  27. srsly? you're 'in love' with this dude and you bring it up 10 days beforehand? NO. and if she bitches about it, tell her that she'll understand when she has to plan her own wedding.

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  28. My sister-in-law had this sitution at her wedding. They said no (mainly because they could only physically seat 75 in the room and he would have been 76). The friend refused to come as well.

    Personally, we sent specific invites. I.e. Friend or Friend and Friend's Partner. That way there was no misunderstanding whether they could bring a guest. We only invited partners that we knew and could name on the invitations.

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  29. I know it kind of sucks because you had the no colleagues rule and your friend is kind of cutting it close and didn't have the decency to pick up the phone and call either of you...but...seriously, you really don't need anymore stress right now. You should be looking ahead to your future, your happiness, your day. One person is not going to ruin it for you. And it's probably not worth hurting your friend over. Focus on the positive and all the fun you are going to have. Don't let something small get under your skin.

    And 17 Beats, I heart you. I probably need to borrow that book from you.

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  30. What it boils down to is: it's one damn day. To YOU it's a big one, never-to-be-done-again. To HER? Just-another-wedding. YOU trump HER in this situation. You don't have to be rude, but if you're worried, totally pull your trump card of "too late notice, sorry, love you, the caterer already has the numbers." You have enough to worry about.

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  31. NO WAY! If you dont have control over this one day yo dont have control over anything!
    Besides you'll have to put up with the "colleague/boyfriend" at all future gatherings. Drawn the line at your own wedding!!!

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