Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Dear ESB: My MIL Sucks
I'm hoping your readers can offer some advice because I'm scurred to death that my MIL and I will have a falling out someday, maybe sooner than I think. Here's the deal. My fiance and I planned on a wedding of 70-80 guests. Mostly because it's what we can afford and we didn't want to get into all the drama/politics of inviting 4th removed cousins we haven't seen in fifteen years. I have a dozen family members attending and my fiance has less than 10 attending. (Not a huge difference, right? Right.) We agreed on grandparents, parents, siblings, handful of cousins and our bestest of friends. My mom and grandmother were not so happy about this because they wanted to invite close family friends and important extended family members. I had some very difficult convo's with them and in turn, my mom and grandma had difficult conversations with the folks that thought they were invited, but weren't. But after being upset and listening to each other, we all got over it. They understood I couldn't afford the extra guests, and neither could they. Ultimately, they respected our choice to keep it small.
Step in MIL. Who, mind you, has been telling us all along to "ignore what everyone says and remember it's our wedding." And who also completely dissed our first venue choice by telling us in the most passive aggressive way that it sucked. (We later canceled that venue and didn't even get back our full deposit. She was 50% of the reason why we scrapped those plans.) MIL has been given the run down of the wedding many-a-time: a limited number of guests, casual affair, blah blah blah. So now she decides it's not fair for me to have 12 family members and her to have only 7. So what does she want to do? She wants to invite her friends. But, she's offering to pay for them. So shit, there goes our out. We tell her no and after she hears this she starts crying and drops the biggest guilt trip on my fiance. Not only is she passive aggressive, she's manipulative. Feeling guilty and horrible, we say fine. Ef it. Do what you want... bleh.
My fiance is pissed because he looks like an a-hole for his parents being a-holes who are literally buying out seats to our wedding, when he's already seen the tough stuff I had to go through with my family and that same issue. And I'm super pissed because 1.) my family can't afford to invite their friends and that's not fair to have MIL and FIL waving their money around at our wedding in the form their equally sucky friends 2.) we wanted to keep it relatively small and she's not allowed to take over our guest list 3.) Just because I have more family there doesn't mean they all get along or want to see each other, but they're willing to be put in awkward positions for one day for me, while the in-laws are not. (Oh, and a side note... my entire family has offered to help set up the day of. Have my FIL's? Nope.)
I'm terrified of having her as a MIL and I'm worried about the way she will interfere with our married life and eventually our parental decisions. I don't want to hate my MIL, but I'm starting to really not like her and that bothers me. We've agreed he needs to talk to her, not me, but I can't help but be hurt and angry. What else, if anything, should we do?
One Seriously Fed Up Bride
Giving in to the guilt trip was a big mistake. If your MIL knows she can get her way by crying, she'll never stop crying.
And why would you let her bring her sucky friends to your intimate wedding, whether or not she's paying their way?
(Image courtesy of superbomba)