A tale of two dresses.... The FOLLOW UP

Surprise! It's Paige Lowe -- our lady who took her own engagement photos. 

I told you she'd ROCK that ombre dress.

Paige says:

The day and the dress were perfect (minus not exactly fitting, big girl + little dress = keyhole open back cuz it wouldn't button...but I kinda dug it!) (also minus the photo booth company completely failing and not working at all --- OH WELL!)

Other side note - I had my 15 year old INTERN take these photos, it was a HUGE learning experience for her and I got to walk her through every step (and edit the photos myself, big plus). huge huge huge exposure and experience for her, and a HUGE budget cut for us!

#umhelloamazingphotos #radinteren

Tune in to 100 Layer Cake first thing tomorrow morning for tons more photos/dets.

I'll tell you a secret: The dress is gorg, of course, and the images are gorg, but THE WEDDING THE WEDDING THE WEDDING.

Digby & Iona + TAXIDERMY!

Two of my very favorite things.



See more of the photos by Amy Shutt over on style carrot.

Shop Digby & Iona here and here.

Welcome to our sexy sexy first installment of WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG?

(Click to enlarge, should you care to.)

Inspired by this post that for some reason really amused me this morning (plus every "What's in your bag?" series on every blog ever), I bring you WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG? ESB-style.

I know nothing about this anonymous reader except that she is rad.

What bag is currently in your wardrobe rotation? A LV tote borrowed from a friend for last weekend in Napa. A purple marker opened up on the inside and made a huge stain. Have not figured out how to position this yet.

What’s inside? My stepson’s phone we confiscated for inappropriate use. My phone which holds a charge for about ten minutes. Two reminders for counselor appointments, along with the Wi-Fi code for the psych hospital. Two dirty scrunchies, a bracelet from the Napa Valley festival. Allergy meds and Pepcid. Detangling brush and comb, along with texture paste for fine hair. Four drug store lip balms, blush from 2009. IPad, company id badge, sunglasses, 1 mentos, 26 store receipts, the map of my community for community watch. Also a crumpled paper towel I used to wipe glazed donut crumbs off my fingers this morning. Hand sanitizer. 27 cents. No idea where my wallet and keys might be. DVDs of Love Actually and Bridesmaids - we're carrying these now, right?

What is the one item we will always find in your bag? Cough drop wrappers

What is your favorite thing about your job? Counting how many people don’t wash their hands after they pee.

Where is your favorite place in Los Angeles to grab a drink/bite? Cheesecake Factory and Olive Garden.

What are your top three favorite stores in Los Angeles to shop? Macy's, Kohls and Forever 21.

If you could tell your 22-year-old self one thing it would be.... Look into rose oil

What is your ultimate guilty pleasure? esb

p.s Have I told you lately that I love you? I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS.

Do we need a Wedding Photographer? (Sponsored by Calin + Bisous)

Several brides have emailed me in the past few months to ask "Do we need a Wedding Photographer?" "Can't we just ask our friends to send us their photos?" "We don't feel the need to capture thousands of perfectly styled images of our wedding…" etc.

Here's Callie from Calin + Bisous to answer that very question….

You do not *need* a wedding photographer. You want one! And it's okay! And here's why.

1. Your wedding is a big deal. Your wedding photos are a big deal, too. And we are professional photo takers. Unlike your arty photographer friend from college, who will wander off during the first dance to take pictures of the catering truck, or the fashionista friend with the really great 35mm camera who will run out of film in the middle of the ceremony.... we are on top of our game for 8 hours straight.

2. Our job is to make you look fantastical in your photos. We like to run around and fix your hair and adjust your bridesmaids' boobs (if necessary). And we always tell you when you have lipstick on your teeth. We learn where you need to be and when, and we calmly get you there because we care that you're not flipped out and crazy lookin. Like I said, we want you to look really good in the photos.

3. We are crowd pleasers. We are day-of planners that you didn't ask for. We are your very own fairy godmothers. We usher you and your new spouse away when that receiving line you didn't plan on starts forming. Our camera bags double as bouquet and clutch holders. Your step-uncle once removed, who took one photography class in college, 37 years ago, brought a flask of whiskey to your all-local-craft-beer wedding and he's chatty? I got this. Go be at your wedding.

4. I can't speak for other wedding photographers, but I care deeply that people are happy whenever they're around me. (Happy people make for better photos.) The more I am running around getting shots, helping out, keep the massive cluster-!@&$ of family photos moving along, the more delighted I am.

This last one's just from me.

5. Everyone should be able to afford the photography they want, wherever they are, without hidden fees or scary terms or such bare-bones "basic" packages that you have to include all the extras to make them work.

I offer an all-inclusive rate of $4,000 for 8 hours of wedding photography anywhere in the continental US.

And I'd really like to shoot your wedding!

xoxo,
Callie

(Photos by Calin + Bisous. Obviously.)

Seeking Sage Advice on Bridezillas and Feeling Like A Shitty Friend

Dear East Side Bride,

I'm in a bit of a conundrum as we speak. Currently, I am set to be one of two MOH's at my friend's wedding.

A little background -- we have been friends for 14 years -- close at times and distant at others -- she is one of my oldest friends. About a year and a half ago, she started dating her now fiance and truth be told, just because of the different things we were going through at the time, we weren't particularly close. Fast forward a few months later, they're engaged, I still don't see her too much and really don't know him very well and can count the number of times I've seen him on one hand throughout their whole whirlwind relationship.

This girl is no low-maintenance bride. When she originally asked me to be a bridesmaid, I knew they would be getting married in Mexico, and no other ceremony had been planned. What started out as a simple destination wedding has turned into a full-blown circus involving TWO full blown weddings --one smack in the middle of Labour Day weekend (of which none of us bridesmaids had been consulted as to whether we will be in town/ available for, but we are all expected to help set-up), a secondary "symbolic" wedding in Mexico a few months later, not to mention multiple out of town day trips in order to find her two wedding dresses, our bridesmaids dresses AND taking a day off of work to do alterations two hours from where we live (We live in a very cosmopolitan city and this girl isn't getting any special deals/special connections to justify doing them so far away).

I've been in a handful of weddings and have plenty of girlfriends who've gotten married, but this is by far the most high maintenance bride I've ever dealt with. Which usually, I would say is fine -- if you like what you like and know what you want and are adamant about it and honest from the get-go, then by all means, go for it. Problem is, she tries to mask her bossiness by asking our opinions AFTER she's already made up her mind about something, and if your opinion goes contrary to what she wants, she claims she's "Pulling out the bride card." Truth be told, she pulled out the bride card the second that engagement ring went on her finger.

I'm not particularly close with the other MOH and bridesmaid, so I have no idea if they're thinking the same thing. Part of me feels like a shitty friend for thinking all these things, especially since the other two are seemingly going on with everything with no muss or fuss, like, Maybe I'M the crazy one. My friend is getting married, I'm supposed to be happy for her -- instead I find myself dreading every wedding-related conversation.

Fast forward to the present day. I am currently going through a difficult time where I've broken up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years, and I'm not feeling particularly supported by her as a friend. When I informed her of my situation with my boyfriend, she exclaimed "Hallelujah! Did you tell your family, are they going to throw you a party?" (A little background on MY relationship -- he's a lovely man, we love each other very much. However, he's been in a place for some time where he has a lot on his plate where it doesn't allow for much to be put into our own relationship and we've only admitted such to ourselves recently.)

The last time I spoke to her about my relationship I mistakenly told them about a particularly reckless period in Lovely Man's life (when he was much younger and years before we met). She and her girlfriend ganged up on me and kept asking "Are you sure he's not cheating on you? How do you know he's not like that anymore?!? Are you SURE about that? How do you KNOW?" I'd like to point out that this is no more than 30 minutes after my own bridezilla friend admitted she has such vivid dreams of her fiance cheating on her, she is convinced they're real and will call him upon waking up,  accusing him of infidelity. And what did I do as she told me this? I politely smiled, lent a sympathetic ear and exclaimed "that's AWFUL!" without flaming out any accusatory questions or statements.

At this point in time, I can't help but dwell upon the fact that I've signed on to invest a lot of time and money into making her happy, yet she can't seem to grasp the basics of Friendship 101 with me. While not all of her demands are completely outlandish, I feel like this has been the straw that broke the camel's back because here I am jumping through hoops for this girl like a goddamn circus monkey, and she keeps trivializing what has been the most important relationship of my life.

So what do I do? Do I bite the bullet, put up with her outlandish demands for another few months, or do I attempt to bow out gracefully, knowing full on that this will definitely affect and potentially end our friendship?

Signed,
Feeling-Like-The-Maid-Of-Dishonor

*****

I know you're writing to ask my permission to bow the fuck out, and here it is....








BOW THE FUCK OUT

Life's too short.


Michal Pudelka for Anonym Magazine

Dear ESB...

I am in a bit of a planning quandary.

Here goes: My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years, and we finally got engaged on March 1st (yay!). We would like to get married September/October 2014, so of course planning should start fairly soon. My future mother in law has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for almost 3 1/2 years. We have gone through the various ups and downs, "She's going to die in 3 months," "She's almost in full remission," "we need a stronger chemo," "she's doing great," "The tumors are spreading," etc. etc.

Currently, she is on the last available option (a pill she takes 4x/day) for her condition, which means it's a waiting game. She is feeling and looking a lot better than she has in the past, and we are trying to take advantage of her not being sick from chemo all the time.

She has inquired about wedding plans and would like to start helping, but to be honest, I am reticent to plan anything because her health could plummet very soon. I also would hate to bug my FH with stupid questions about flowers or the guest list when he is about to lose his mother. I just can't imagine planning such a big event and the both of us having to deal with the loss of a mother at the same time. I thought about maybe waiting until she goes, but that feels strange, and it makes me feel like an asshole for even typing it.

Is it better to spend time and plan as much I can with her, then just figure out how to maneuver the bizarre stages of grieving/wedding to-do list when that time comes? What if she passes away right before the wedding? Am I being selfish?

I'm driving myself crazy constantly living in the future world of "what ifs," but I want to be respectful of my future husband and his mother.

What should I do?

*****

I say go ahead and start planning the wedding.

Your FMIL could die tomorrow or she could live for five more years. You can't put your life on hold, and she wouldn't *want you* to put your life on hold. In fact, what she really wants is to help you plan this thing.

Just be willing to be flexible. (And don't beat yourself up for having the occasional assholic thought.)

xoXX


Ten variations about planking after Freud by Aníbal Vallejo via The Jealous Curator

And the award for BEST WEDDING HAIR goes to....

Dear ESB,

First off, thank you for existing. Thank you for being there from when I had Wedding Brain until I decided to say fuck it and start from scratch.* And most importantly; thank you for being a part of my daily wedding planning ritual so I didn’t completely lose my shit.

A very short backstory; we swapped out the large/complicated wedding we never really wanted for a small San Francisco City Hall wedding + 3 month Europe trip (which starts in July). (You can follow us on our trip over here.)

Onto the wedding day stuff:

I woke up with so many butterflies in my stomach I thought I was going to puke. Or it could’ve been the pre-wedding tacos from the night before (not recommended unless unless you’re ok with having a food baby all the next day).

We started our morning lazily getting ready together and then went our separate ways to get ready with friends. If you’re doing your own hair or make-up I highly suggest knowing exactly what you’re going for or you might go over your allotted “getting ready” time like someone I know...

We almost didn’t do that “first look” thing, but I’m so glad we did. It felt kind of like when you’re little and you beg for a specific toy for a long time and you’re pretty sure you’re going to get that gift, but when you finally open it your heart fills with a burst of joy. Just like that.

After getting tons of portraits done at the Queen Anne Hotel we ate some delicious wedding donuts, drank some wedding juice and hopped in cabs to head to City Hall.

We arrived at City Hall, ate more donuts and got married. Then we all hopped into a party bus, picked up some sushi and ate it outside of the Exploratorium.

We spent the rest of the day walking around Fisherman’s Wharf and watching the sunset. Then came pizza dinner/beer at The Pizza Place. One of our favorite things about the wedding was how almost everyone ended up giving an unplanned speech at dinner, most of which were hilarious.

After dinner we tried to catch some cabs but had no luck. So we took buses to our next destination, which led to the parents referencing The Graduate a lot. We ended up at Buckshot, aka Skee Ball/Photobooth/Dance Party Central. The night ended perfectly with the DJ playing You Make Me Wanna (Shout) for us.

Sincerely,
Shana

*Following the suggestions of you and your readers, we ended up personally calling everyone that wasn’t invited to City Hall and ended up celebrating with them at a later date. Win/win!

Srsly, who has better hair, Shana or Jerrad?

THEY BOTH HAVE AMAZING HAIR.

Also: Those shoes on that man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(Photos by Maddie of Hart and Sol West. Go check out more pics -- and read more from Shana -- over on A Practical Wedding.)

Seeking: a PEYOTE SPACE QUEEN dress

Dear ESB,

This is (I hope) a fairly straightforward dress question that I'd like to unleash on your readers.

We're in the very early stages of planning, but of course the dress is the most fun part so I've been thinking about it a lot. I've fallen head over heels in love with this Alessandra Rich dress, with this Temperley a very close second.

I'm really, really feeling the clean, graphic, red-and-white high priestess vibe, but the Alessandra Rich is pushing the budget further than I would like and the Temperley is just insane. I just can't justify spending as much on a dress that I'll wear once as I would on a Macbook Pro. My budget is between 800 – 1,000 euros. I'd obvy like to find something at the lower end of that scale.

Additional details: I'm a particularly shrimpy 5'5", usually between 52-55kg, Irish pale, strawberry blonde, and, uhm, a competitive Olympic weightlifter. This means broad shoulders, tiny waist, thick thighs and the kind of ass you usually see in a Juvenile video. Seriously, I have a pretty major butt going on, but it's all muscle. Which, I suppose, would probably rule out both the dresses I posted, but I think I look pretty decent in pencil skirts/column dresses.

My style skews classic and boyish – I read Tomboy Style obsessively, but I think I'm going for a more Jodorowsky peyote space queen vibe for the wedding. No flower crowns though, please.

Your readers are pretty great at reading between the lines on these kind of questions. I'd love to see what they come up with!

*****

The Alessandra Rich is on sale for $958 over here if you set your location to the United States. Is there anyone who could mail it to you??

(Though I do wonder whether those tight sleeves will fit what I imagine are your amazing arms....)


p.s. The Temperely is also on sale, over here, though still over budg.

p.p.s. Best dress request EVAR. Even though you promised you'd never ask me about dresses. Silly lady.

Bernhard Willhelm A/W 2013-14

more on harassment

On Episode 344 of the Savage Lovecast (beginning at 14:38), Dan answers a question from a 24-year-old woman about how to deal with casual sexual harassment. He missed the mark slightly.

On Episode 245 (beginning at 42:28), he runs an AWESOME string of responses from female listeners.

I decided not to include the above links in yesterday's post, but the advice from the women who called in to the Lovecast has stuck with me. Felt like I ought to share.

Dear ESB (from a harassed bride yay)

Dear ESB,

I'm in a shitty social situation. My fiance is very friendly with lots of people from his work, and we end up hanging out with various coworkers at least monthly. I've known most of these people for a few years now.

A month ago, we were out at a bar. My fiance was talking to one cluster of people while I was with another -- which consisted of two couples, one being two acquaintances of mine, the other, a coworker (let's call him Z) and his girlfriend.

We were shooting the shit, when I mentioned this odd fact that I've been in a few family bridal parties recently, while my fiance was not, despite these weddings being on his side. Z, who may have been drunk (I couldn't quite tell), immediately responds with, "Well yeah, look at you: You're stacked! [My fiance] not so much, but who wouldn't want you in their pictures?" Z then continued to laugh with the other dude in the group about my body. 

I obviously told my fiance, who was fucking horrified. We haven't talked to them since, but avoiding them forever is inevitable. We were going to invite them to our wedding, but we obviously don't want to anymore. Z has since invited us to a few intimate social events so I'm not sure he understands that his "joke" was not acceptable.

What do we do? Do I need to lighten up? Can we just passive aggressively not invite them? Does my fiance have to confront Z? For what it's worth, Z's girlfriend is super great.

Thanks for your advice.

*****

I know I'm about to get shit for this, but: Lighten up.

If this is the ONE TIME this guy has said anything offensive to you, chalk it up to too many beers and let it go.

If it happens again, however, don't let him off the hook. Tell him "That's not how you talk to a lady." (And then you can cross him off the list.)


Elina Mitrofanova by Tatiana Leshkina for Spleen via coup de foudre

Helmut Lang, FUCK YEAH

Kara just asked what we think of this Helmut Lang, and I think what we think is: FUCK YEAH.

Now $231.75 and avail in sizes 0-12. Like i said....

Balenciaga: yay or nay?

I'm kind of digging it for the right somebody....

In related news:

Do we like Lake Bell's custom Marchesa?

Look who's wearing Mara Hoffman!

Pls don't buy your wedding dress at Nasty Gal.


(Thank yoooooooou Rachel + Alison)

Guest List Advice, for the love of god!

Dear ESB,

I'm a new reader to your blog and I appreciate your sage and brutally honest advice. I'm having a hard time with this one, so I figured I'd give this a shot:

My younger sister rushed into her wedding back in December 2012. The guy she married is a young, has-a-temper, soon-to-be-career-military guy, and their impetus to wed was likely due to his future relocation to the West coast. My sister did most of the planning in secret, didn't involve our family which was quite hurtful, and was generally a defensive ball of fire the months before her wedding. My Mom and I asked if she was really sure this was the guy she wanted to be with, which my sister of course told him about this, and he proceeds to berate my Mom with text messages in the middle of the night (real stand-up guy). Needless to say, he's not well-liked among my family, and we're not well-liked by his. Her ceremony was held at a chapel on an army base, and her reception in a hotel basement ballroom.

The week before her wedding, I get a text message from my sister that says her fiance is wary of having me at the wedding and that I need to call him to smooth things over. I told my sister that I didn't particularly want to speak with someone who has a clear anger management problem, and if needed to speak with me so badly, he could come to me himself. I come to find out that he's already called the army base security to let them know that I was to be arrested on sight. Not wanting to be arrested on a military base, I was essentially being told I couldn't attend my sister's wedding. My sister, unable or unwilling to convince him to change his mind, couldn't do much, so I stayed at the hotel to catch up on my wine drinking while the rest of my family went to the chapel. Since my parents financed most of the reception, I was allowed to attend that, although my sister didn't speak with me the entire night. Nor for months after that, despite calling, texting, and emailing. My sister and I are still trying to patch up our relationship, months later.

My fiance and I waited to get engaged until her wedding was over to avoid claims of spotlight-stealing. Now that we're planning our wedding, we've come to that sticky point on our guest list. We want to invite my sister, but I don't particularly want to have her husband attend our wedding. My fiance seems to think our wedding would be a great way to extend the olive branch; I think its a horrible idea and think its a waste of money for him to bad-mouth me and my family, get super-drunk, and pick fights with people. How do we resolve this? And how can I invite my sister without him showing up?

Thanks for any advice you can provide. I'd appreciate it.

*****

EXTEND THE DAMN OLIVE BRANCH.

Be the bigger person.

Turn the other cheek.

&c.



Your sister is married to this guy. You can't just not invite him to family functions for the next 50 years.

AVA SMITH BY ALEXANDER NEUMANN FOR FLAUNT #127 via Visual Optimism

HALP I NEED RUNNING MUSIC

4 days into a 10-day visit with in-laws and I have become an AVID RUNNER. 

Yesterday I even went out and bought myself a pair of actual running shoes. (2 days x 5 miles in "casual" athletic shoes = 1 enormous blister + 2 sore ankles.)

So here's my question: WHAT SHOULD I BE LISTENING TO?

Most of my old workout faves aren't fast-paced enough.

You guys have been killing it lately, b/t/w. Did I even mention I bought the Blu Dot table after this one turned out to be too big? I think I ought to just crowd-source everything from now on.

______________________________

Nikes via Misha West

I had a revelation in the middle of the night.

Brides who think they're doing you a favor by letting you pick your own dress but give you parameters like "needs to be black, long (meaning on the ground, not ankle length) and in shiny fabric if possible" are not actually doing you a favor.

HERE'S A FUN ONE

Hi,

So part of me really hoped the bride in my life would pick the dress for me - love it or hate it - just so I wouldn't have to spend hours shopping for one. But alas, I have to find my own. I am not annoyed, just super lazy.

The Bride's request states that dress needs to be black, long (meaning on the ground, not ankle length) and in shiny fabric if possible.

I want the dress to be "classic" in style and have a good waist at waist height ie nothing drop waist, column shape, empire or shapeless.

I'm willing to pay up to the high hundreds if its absolutely amazing and completely wearable for the rest of my life. But I'd prefer closer to $500 or less.

After searching at my usual dress shops online and off I decided to have a peek at proper bridesmaids shops and actually found some I like:

Here and here. In Australia these retail for about $300, even though in US they're about $180. Which is reasonable I guess but that fabric doesn't look very nice to touch, seems cheap and the online reviews I have found agree with me.

So I'm looking for alternatives, and something in silk would be great. Would you/your readers be willing to help?

thanks!

*****

I tried tweeting this request the other week, but no dice....

Any ideas, my friends? (Must ship down under.)

The Special Snowflake, again

Hi ESB,

I just wanted to write and thank you, and your readers, for your great advice about my "special snowflake" sister/MOH and the +1 dilemma. I did what you suggested (pulled my head out of my ass and invited the boyfriend). My mother told me that she thinks I'm a bitch who needs therapy "for putting my sister through such trouble" and the grandparents were less-than-thrilled, but my sister was happy, and all was well. I felt better, sister felt better, things were good.

Then he got sick and missed the wedding and reception anyway.

Win/win?

Anyway, thanks for your advice. It put my mind at ease knowing that I made my sister feel better, and I needed input from somebody outside my immediate circle.

Sincerely,

All's Well That Ends Well

*****

WIN/FUCKING WIN

Sophie Vlaming by Klaas Jan Kliphuis via café au lait

someone please get married in THIS

French Lace Top by Raquel Allegra (boy do I have a style crush on her)

Rehearsal Dinner SOS

dear esb,

I've been reading your blog for months and I'm psyched to request some advice. I'm getting married in LA this summer and we haven't figured out the "rehearsal dinner" situation yet. questions:

1. what is your (and the evil bride club's) opinion on who should be invited to a rehearsal dinner? I have heard that the rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and anyone who travelled for the wedding. Because I just moved to LA recently, most of my guests are traveling for this thing. I feel a desire to feed anyone who had to get on a plane to attend. If we were to invite anyone who travelled and only excluded in-town people, we'd be excluding a rather small percentage of the invitees. However, it would be almost like paying for a second reception to invite all the guests to a welcome dinner. 

2. any thoughts on where to do a casual dinner for 75-100ish people (the final number depends on what we decide about question #1)? I looked at this article and it was very helpful, but i'd love to put the question out there again in case the keyword "casual" sparks other ideas. we would have been happy to throw a backyard BBQ, if we or anyone we knew had a yard. 

thanks for everything you do... has been greatly helpful to a nuptially challenged/irreverent/nontraditional bride-2B. xo

*****

INVITE EVERYONE

Have a picnic on the beach. That's what we did.

Image courtesy of Toast
_____________________________

p.s. You've got until the end of the day to win yourself $500 worth of Loeffler Randall. We have not been inundated with entries (ESB readers are too cool for this shit? either that or I'm too cool to properly promote a contest) so you've got a pretty good shot....

Please Help Me.

Dear ESB,

I never really thought I would ever be writing to you, but at this moment I feel so damn confused and don’t want my friends and family to weigh in because I’m embarrassed.

My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. We met through work and quickly became BFFs... about 6 months into our friendship we started dating. He inspired me and made me feel amazing and I know I did the same for him.  

We, however, had very different sexual pasts. I wouldn’t say that I was ever promiscuous, I just had a much more varied sex life (toys, positions, frequency, oral etc.) and he had a much more vanilla sex life. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life, nothing really rocked my world, but the intimacy we shared was enough to make sex awesome nonetheless.

When we decided to move across country something changed. At this point it’s probably pertinent to mention that he is in incredible shape (like he is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen). I, on the other hand, have always been told I was beautiful, but began to put on some weight. I went from a size 6/8 to about 10/12 (about 15 lbs)... Now at this point our sex life screeches to a halt and I notice and start mentally freaking out. We just moved across country, this is my best friend what the FUCK is going on???   

Things started kind of slow - he would ask me if I had exercised at all when he got home from work, or he would start commenting on what I was eating. At first, I obliged him by answering because I thought he was merely curious... It became evident that curiosity wasn’t his motivation. Sensing he was having issues with the way that I looked - I brought it up and asked if the reason we weren’t being physical with one another was because I had gained weight... At first he denied it, but after several conversations over the next couple weeks he fessed up.

I tried to understand where he was coming from - he is in incredible shape, it makes sense that he would want his GF to take care of the way she looks. But then I started to get really fucking angry because I was feeling rejected and shitty. When we weren’t discussing sex, our relationship was/is great. We had fun, laughed, cuddled - but we weren’t being intimate. I can’t even count the number of times he and I had talked about it, but nothing really changed, things really just kept getting worse.

The constant criticism of what I put in my mouth or what I cooked or where we went for dinner continued, the sex was obsolete, and our friendship started to suffer. We blamed it on the move and the stress of our new careers, but the truth was I could handle all of that. What I couldn’t handle was feeling rejected and judged by the person I thought loved me for who I was. There is so much back story for why this was so hurtful to me and how paralyzed I felt, but seriously no one wants to read about my daddy issues...

Fast forward - he proposed, despite us having this very serious issue. I said yes, because I felt like everything else about him was amazing and perfect. We have been married two years.

We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. Or the next day. We have had sex less than 10 times in two years. We have fought like crazy (about this issue and ONLY this issue), and now I don’t know what to do.  

To be fair, I have gained a total of about 30 lbs at this point, have made no effort to diet and have no patience and snap at him for asking/talking/mentioning anything about my weight and/or food choices. And am generally more edgy, critical and angry.

Last week we had, what I thought to be, a constructive argument that ended in us both understanding how we played a role in what happened. I, however, have changed. And although I warned him several years ago that if he continued down this road - I was going to resent him and that I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him - here we are. And now I am depressed and sad - I smoke pot daily to destress. I hate looking in the mirror. I binge eat. And some days I just want to die.

I love him. And despite most of your readers probably wanting me to shoot him in the face - he is a good man. He still makes me laugh, cuddles me, rubs my back and I can tell him almost anything - and in the last couple weeks he has really made an effort to stop being critical. But there is still no intimacy and now I don’t know how or if I should get it back.

He has stated that for all those years he viewed my resistance to getting into great shape as a slap in the face, because he demonstrates how important it is to him and stays in shape and that it felt like I wasn’t taking his needs and desires into consideration. I feel like it’s really important that I mention that because I do see the validity in that statement...

But another part of me wants to shake myself. At this point I can’t even think straight - I go from completely agreeing with him to wanting to slap myself for being so weak. It’s been so many years of promises broken in this regard, but the times when this isn’t being focused on things are OK, not amazing, but OK.

The shitty part is - I would really like to be in good shape again. I miss feeling beautiful and not because some guy was telling me I was.  

I wish I could live in the first years of our relationship again, because I miss him and I miss the comfort and safety I felt.  

Please help me. I am mortified - I don’t know what to do. Is my baggage making me hyper sensitive? Is it wrong that I still so desperately want him to want me? Why is this so taboo feeling?

Thanks for “listening” + sorry for the long email.  I didn't read it back, but I can't be crying at work right now.

*****

GET IN SHAPE.

Not for him, for you.

Swear off pot for a year, get in shape and get yourself to therapy. Talk through those "daddy issues" you didn't want to get into here. There's something else going on with you.

On the one hand, this guy is a dick for not wanting to sleep with you just because you've gained weight…. On the other hand, there is nothing less attractive than someone who is angry + depressed + binge-eating.

There's something else going on with you and you need to work it out. Once you're in a healthier place, you can decide if Mr. Incredible Shape is someone you actually want to be married to.

Sasha Pivovarova in Commes des Garçons by Peter Lindbergh for Numéro #67 (October 2005) via Catbird + fuckyeahcommedesgarcons

What should a couple of country bumpkins and/or Angelenos and/or Aussies do in SF?

Dear ESB

What should two thirtysomething country bumpkins from England do in San Francisco in early June? 

We'll be staying for 6 nights and have done a bit of research on the 'touristy' things we'd like to do - see the Golden Gate Bridge, hike in Muir Woods etc. but would love some ideas from your awesome readers.

Staying in the financial district (random I know - but it was super cheap and we're prepared to walk/catch the bus etc).

Like -

Antiques/curiosity shops

Hiking

CHEESECAKE

Indian food

American food (traditional and fusion)

Interesting baby/toy/nursery shops

Dislike -

Pretentious bars where they charge an extra $5 per drink just because the bartenders are wearing idiotic looking bow ties and flat caps

Hawkers

If any of your readers ever want advice on good hiking spots in England I'll be happy to return the favour...

Thanks ESB -

*****

First off, NEVER USE THAT FONT AGAIN. Do you srsly send all your emails in that font??

Second, I keep getting requests for San Francisco guides, and I keep ignoring them because San Francisco is my home town and I'd really like to be able to write the damn guide myself but the truth is I'm not qualified....

So. Here are a few of my favorite places in SF:

Paxton Gate = the best curiosity shop EVAR. Perfect place to buy your dad a skull.

Dosa (a few blocks from Paxton Gate) = delish, upscale Indian

Humphry Slocombe (also within walking distance) = the best, weirdest ice cream. Get the sundae with Blue Bottle Vietnamese coffee ice cream + prosciutto ice cream. Trust.

The Alembic (in the Haight) = the best cocktails, which you would most certainly deem pretentious. OH SHIT HE'S WEARING A CAP.

Eric's (in Noe Valley, where I grew up) = my old favorite Chinese restaurant. House of Nanking (in Chinatown) is also terrif.

I leave it to the current residents to offer more recommends.... Most importantly, who can recommend the best BURRITOS? La Cumbre was my jam back in the day, but I'm willing to recognize that there may be better burritos.

Note: San Francisco is the burrito capital of the world, which means you're required to eat at least two each while you're in town.


Anyone know who took the photo?

Loeffler Randall + ESB!!

Remember what I said about Loeffler Randall being the official shoe of East Side Bride?

BOOM.


They've asked me to co-curate + co-judge this Pinterest contest (running May 21-May 28).

Here are the rules:

Step one: Follow @LoefflerRandall on Pinterest.

Step two: Repin the "Pin to Win" entry photo [pictured above] and at least one Loeffler Randall product photo from our lr // hitched board.

Step three: Add a comment to your product photo telling us how you would wear your pick at a wedding. (Your upcoming wedding, your imaginary wedding, your best friend's wedding... Any wedding!) Make sure each photo is tagged #HitchedInLR & #LoefflerRandall.

**UPDATE: The winners have been announced here and here. **

p.s. Just so you know, I'm not willy-nilly recommending Loeffler Randall without sampling the wares. I bought these furry gladiators last month and they are KICK ASS.

SEEKING: this Dolce for 2K or less

Dear ESB,

Terrified by the thought of wearing a white poofy/strapless/sweat heart/trumpet/cupcake gown, I have been looking and looking for a unique gown that still reads wedding. I've seen great alt bridal at Stone Fox, Bona Drag, etc. but I'm 5'8'', size 6 with a lot of T (34DD) and A so a drop-waist, plunging neck, backless, slip something isn't going to cut it. 

I stalked this Dolce number online and knew it would be love. I tried it on and it was PERFECT. The floral print practically became my vision for my September farm wedding in Maine. The ruching was really flattering. It was the perfect amount of sexy and everything was contained.

Coming back to Earth -- this dress is 5,000. My budget is 2,000 or less. I can't spend the champagne money on this dress. I'm back on the hunt, but not sure I'll find anything as unique. I'm also in a bit of time crunch (wedding is end of Sept 2013). 

Thoughts??

thnx a mill!

*****

WHO FEELS LIKE SHOPPING??


I'm busy obsessing about tables. We marked it out on the floor, and it seems my perfect perfect perfect table is too deep for the space. (Not too long, but too DEEP.) Sadface. I'm thinking we might have to go the custom route...

YOU GUYS

We're about to pull the trigger on this baby from Design Within Reach.

It's not cheap, but it is the perfect perfect perfect minimalist multipurpose desk/dining table to go under our big windows and it is made out of MOTHERFUCKING STEEL and I am over the moon.

We had the Ikea knock-off tulip table in the bungalow for 5 years, and though it looked good (from afar), it was wobbly, the plastic base attracted dirt like crazy, and the surface scratched off if you scrubbed to hard.

I'm turning FORTY. I'm too old for that shit.*
______________________________

*Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I will now shut up about how I'm turning 40 and you can all go back to pretending I am precisely your age.

sometimes I want it from someone else.

Hey ESB,

I'm writing to you super anonymously because this whole topic makes me nervous. Well, more embarrassed than nervous.

I want to get other people's advice on fidelity.

I've been married for 2 years, and love my husband. He is freakishly smart, extremely compassionate, and is a seriously handsome devil. But sometimes I have dreams about other men. Not hot sex dreams (I wish), but dreams where another man "likes" me, we make eyes at each other, he's crazy about me but we don't touch, or he writes me love letters that drive me crazy, like cheesy Nicholas Sparks shit (I've never read any of his books, but admit I watched The Notebook). I wake up the next morning and wish my husband made me feel that same way that these anonymous men do in my dreams. Sometimes he does. God, this is embarrassing to even write out.

Back in reality, I occasionally have crushes. Most women do. But for the first time in years (my husband and I dated for 11 years before getting married), a crush reciprocated and asked me to hang out, standing a little too close for comfort. I stammered some nonsense about not being able to, but didn't say I was married. It was hard to spit those words out. I can't say I wasn't tempted to pretend I was not married. It feels so good to be wanted.

My husband is into me, loves me, tells me I'm sexy, grabs me out of the blue, but sometimes I want it from someone else.

How do other people deal with these feelings? Do you shove them way down inside and hope they go away? Do they think of other men when having sex with their husbands? Do they have affairs just to see what another man feels like? Can people flirt harmlessly?

I know I need to tell my crush I'm not available, but it's hard closing that door. The most selfish parts of me want to keep up the ruse for the attention, the affirmation, the thrill. Like I said, embarrassing.

Thoughts from the pack of snarky women out there? I appreciate all of your input and experience.

*****

I'm pretty sure I can safely say that 30-90% of married women have similar feelings at some time or another. Not just the crush part. The "sometimes I want it from someone else" part. Doesn't EVERYONE have those feelings at some point? Human beings weren't built to be monogamous.

That said, I don't recommend that you run out and have an affair. If you want to go down the monogamish road you need to discuss it with your husband and get his permission. You'll have to decide if the wanting-it-from-someone-else is, as Dan Savage would say, a "deal breaker" for you.*

The alternative is to flirt. And, yes, there's such a thing as harmless flirting. *Hot* harmless flirting, even, which can fuel your fantasy life and liven up the sex you're having with your husband. (Feel free to think of other men during that sex! Or to imagine your husband is a different, cheesy, Nicholas Sparks-y man.)

Again, just don't deceive or mislead anyone. You really do have to tell that guy you're married.

And now.... I'm eager to hear from the peanut gallery. I've enabled anonymous comments today, for obvious reasons.

Arnaud Lajeunie via Kroutchev Planet Photo via PCKSHT

______________________________

*Do you listen to Dan Savage? Everyone should listen to Dan Savage.

There's an enormous knot in the pit of my stomach.

It's been there for two days.

Possible causes:

a) cramps

b) the approach of my 40th birthday

c) anxiously awaiting notes on script x

d) dreading returning to work on script y

e) feeling stagnant here on the blog

f) mezcal

Or could it be THE MOON?

I&S BBDO for Nishinihon Tenrei via Colossal via nd +

unfancifying a dress?

Dear ESB,

So in the spirit of being sooooo laidback guys I'm not a bridezilla I swear I let my bridesmaids pick their own (navy) dresses. All well & good, except one woman picked this and the other one this.

Both lovely dresses and they'll each look great, but kinda like they're at different weddings? I offered to buy them (nonmatching) jewelry to wear so I'm wondering if you have any ideas for necklaces that would casualify the Monique Lhuillier or dress up the Asos one.

Difficulty level: not much more than $50, preferably orange or close to it.

*****

This is not a problem that can be solved with a necklace.

This is a problem that can be solved with: a) just pick the damn dresses for them or b) BE FINE WITH IT. kapish?

Six Dresses to Run Away In

When I posted this lil Zara dress the other day, Jamie immediately emailed me to ask: want to post a whole round up of dresses for the runaway brides??

I said hell yeah!

(And then Amber, of Pitbulls and Posies, did this paste-up to complement the runaway inspiration board, which makes me feel very fancy.)

If you *kind of* want to elope, but you also *kind of* want rad wedding photos and live music and craft cocktails and a stylish little venue (and the thought of Vegas makes you gag) .... Why not head down to San Diego on May 26 and just get er done?

Wearing one of these dresses, obvs: 1 Zara (again) ($90), 2 Girl by Band of Outsiders ($370), 3 Reality Studio ($335), 4 Acne ($480), 5 Lindsey Thornburg ($2080), 6 Iris & Ink ($175)