I am in a bit of a planning quandary.
Here goes: My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years, and we finally got engaged on March 1st (yay!). We would like to get married September/October 2014, so of course planning should start fairly soon. My future mother in law has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for almost 3 1/2 years. We have gone through the various ups and downs, "She's going to die in 3 months," "She's almost in full remission," "we need a stronger chemo," "she's doing great," "The tumors are spreading," etc. etc.
Currently, she is on the last available option (a pill she takes 4x/day) for her condition, which means it's a waiting game. She is feeling and looking a lot better than she has in the past, and we are trying to take advantage of her not being sick from chemo all the time.
She has inquired about wedding plans and would like to start helping, but to be honest, I am reticent to plan anything because her health could plummet very soon. I also would hate to bug my FH with stupid questions about flowers or the guest list when he is about to lose his mother. I just can't imagine planning such a big event and the both of us having to deal with the loss of a mother at the same time. I thought about maybe waiting until she goes, but that feels strange, and it makes me feel like an asshole for even typing it.
Is it better to spend time and plan as much I can with her, then just figure out how to maneuver the bizarre stages of grieving/wedding to-do list when that time comes? What if she passes away right before the wedding? Am I being selfish?
I'm driving myself crazy constantly living in the future world of "what ifs," but I want to be respectful of my future husband and his mother.
What should I do?
I say go ahead and start planning the wedding.
Your FMIL could die tomorrow or she could live for five more years. You can't put your life on hold, and she wouldn't *want you* to put your life on hold. In fact, what she really wants is to help you plan this thing.
Just be willing to be flexible. (And don't beat yourself up for having the occasional assholic thought.)
Ten variations about planking after Freud by Aníbal Vallejo via The Jealous Curator