Monday, March 25, 2013

Breaking up with your MOH

Hey there ESB -

First off, I'm a fan - I appreciate the honesty and when you're planning a wedding, hearing other people's horror stories kinda puts things into perspective. So, to all you brides out there, here's mine:

My wedding is way over (almost 2 years now), but the legend of my MOH lives on and actually continues to haunt us to this day --- she still stalks me and my husband. Dead. Serious.

MOH and I have been best friends since high school, but her friendship comes with a few toxic caveats (she's very possessive, not interested in meeting new people, and has a terrible temper). Not that I'm perfect, I can be the flake-of-a-friend who forgets your birthday. We share another mutual best friend who we've also maintained a close relationship with since high school. Both of these girls were in my wedding party.

The trouble started at my bachelorette party (always does, doesn't it?) - somehow through the course of the day it was misconstrued in my MOH's brain that I wasn't giving her enough attention compared to the other girls. She did this weird pouty thing (which is hard to pay attention to at a baseball game), and barely spoke to anyone all night. I noticed her mood but was trying to play host to the rest of my crew - so my ability to decompress her was limited. By the time the evening ended, she had disappeared (supposedly into a cab to head to the hotel) and I was getting frantic phone calls from my husband. She had shown up at my apartment, tired out the doorbell, and spent the rest of the evening crying on my husband. When he finally convinced her to get a cab to the hotel she decided to drive back to the suburbs, to her parents house, drunk. The next day her parents called me and confronted me about "allowing their daughter to drive home intoxicated" citing a lie that MOH told them about how I forced her out of the hotel room. I was so embarrassed.

I talk this out with her and that mutual best friend bmaid and decide to let it go - let's get on with the wedding fun, ya know? Fast-forward to a month later, at the rehearsal dinner, she shows up to the bowling alley 2 hours late and makes this huge scene in front of our families, crying, screaming, and accusing me of wanting our mutual best friend bmaid to be the Maid of Honor and not her. This is all because I gave the ladies the option of staying in the hotel with me the night before the wedding --- MOH opt-ed out, but mutual friend opt-ed in. During this scene, she tells me that she's "not going to show up at the wedding, since I don't want her there anyways" before storming out. I can't even explain how this whole thing felt, I didn't want it to consume my evening (I mean, shit, I love to bowl!) - but I felt so numb and shocked that someone I knew so well could just turn into a complete crazy-pants.

The next day (wedding day), my mom and the gals are all with me getting ready in the hotel room and about an hour before we have to leave MOH shows up. Hair done, dress on, like nothing happened. So no one says anything and we head off to the venue. Wedding was fabulous, food was great, live band was even better. I don't really remember MOH's speech, except that she cried a TON. She also spent the end of the evening in my mom's hotel room, crying on her until 4am.  

Since these events, I've distanced myself from her --- she calls me about 3 times a week and calls my husband about once a week, we do not answer. She shows up at our new apartment, out of nowhere, and we either have to exchange awkward pleasantries for an hour or we pretend like we aren't home. The kicker is, she knows that I'm done with having a friend like her --- about three months after the wedding day I sat her down and we talked about what happened. She blamed me for not paying enough attention to her and not making her feel special as the MOH. I told her that I didn't think we should really continue being friends and she obvs didn't get the message. It felt like breaking up with that normal?

It's a damn shame when someone looses their marbles like that.

That's my story!
Still Stunned


I'm just glad you had the guts to break up with her. KUDOS, lady.

You should be able to block her number. AT&T will charge you for that privilege (a*holes) -- I don't know about other providers -- but it might be worth it.

Comme des Garçons by Sophie Delaporte for Idoménée Fashion Book Spring/Summer 2013 Idoménée via Abigail Lorick


  1. holy shit. are you scared of her? i know *i* am.
    she just shows up at your house? what a creep. you might want to consider moving. yikesies!

  2. Since you've already broken up with her, when she shows up at your building, can't you just be like, "Sally, you can't do this anymore. We need you to leave us alone." instead of making smalltalk with her for an hour?

  3. Ohhh I've had toxic friends like this. The nightmare doesn't end until THEY decide they've dumped YOU, so they can feel good about it in their delusional world. If it's the other way around (you cutting off ties), it doesn't register in their crazypants brains. They do everything to support the illusion that the whole world revolves around their fragile egos.

    Sorry to hear you're in this situation. It totally sucks and I empathize.

  4. ugh! I had this same thing happen, except the MOH was my sister. She spent the 6 months before the wedding crying about how I was "ruining her dream wedding" - nope, you heard right, I was getting married, but somehow ruining "her dream wedding" - she threatened not to come, said she refused to give a speech, then showed up like nothing had happened. Then, as soon as I got home from my honeymoon, she SHOWED UP ON MY DOORSTEP (with a friend in tow!!) for a "surprise" TEN DAY STAY in my one-bedroom apartment. When we told her this behavior was unacceptable, needless to say she threw a fit about how incredibly outrageously awful *I* am (obv) and now "she's not speaking to me". (Counts as a Win in my book.)

    Phew. Long story short, point is I'm so sorry for you, lady. It is so bizarre how weddings can literally make something snap inside some less-stable people.

    I agree with ESB, you should block that call. And with erinwdesign, too - when she shows up, you need to be direct. Believe me I know how hard that is (and it might not get you very far) but it's definitely the right choice over making polite small talk. YEESH! I will be thinking of you - more power to you!

    1. OMG the ten day surprise stay sounds like my worst nightmare.

  5. holy fuckballs.

    you have successfully just scared the living shit out of me.

    I have one of these.. borderline. She confessed within 5 minutes of my mentioning I was engaged that she's SO happy she's "FINALLY going to get to be in a wedding party" and that she's "so disappointed in the rest of our college friends for not extending the invitation to be a bridesmaid."
    since my engagement she has called once a week to check on wedding planning ideas. Y'all, I haven't even thought about my own wedding that much and am not in a hurry to.

    1. I was not planning to extend her that invitation either.
    2. she's one of those if you don't talk for a few weeks she calls crying demanding to know why you're mad at her.
    3. I was never very close with her or any of HER college friends
    4. she has bad style. I mean really bad. like Absinthe posters and vases of peacock feathers to compliment her Pier 1 gilded coffee table and blush velvet throw pillows EVERYWHERE on her Wal-mart faux leather sofa.

    I'm sorry I just rant-hijacked your post.

    I'm worried that if I don't invite her to be in my (not yet even remotely planned wedding) bridal party she will have a mental breakdown because NOBODY LOVES HER and if I do invite her that she'll turn our day into the DIY section of A Beautiful Mess on crack. And potentially continue on to be the same person as the OP's MOH.
    And start showing up. With baked goods.
    Yeah. She's that kind.

    so. yeah.
    break up with her pre-wedding, obvi.

    1. Do. Not. Invite. Her! She will hijack your wedding and be a nut-job basketcase. Best case scenario, she still kind of sucks and you don't really like her. Worst case scenario: see above.

    2. there's no such thing as hijacking. that's what the comments are for!!!

    3. haaaaaaaaaa, you should write more comments/describe more bad style. i'm dying at the absinthe posters and peacock feathers visual.

    4. just for @Mary Anne:
      Papasan Chair. Faux Fur throw tossed just so on the arm of aforementioned couch. next to the blush velvet pillows. Cut Glass Lamps filled with seashells (lives nowhere near the beach). Bamboo Tray on top of aforementioned gilded table with Wexford Dish filled with some sort of Apple Scented Potpourri. Red Satin Table Runner draped over top of TV. Yankee Candles. in the same room. and so it goes.

    5. @archtypo this is soooooo good

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  7. Had a crazy moh too! Except... I confronted her after she ruined my bachelorette party (how do you ruin a day at Disneyland?) and she threatened to take all of the supplies for the bridal shower... And she made fun of me on my wedding day. She had her mom get involved (she was 26 at the time) and told me I was a terrible person.
    The only thing I did wrong was involve her in my wedding plans. DON'T listen to family or friends. Your wedding is about you not what someone thinks you owe them, so include people you love. That's the moral.

    1. I never thought I'd actually read about someone taking their toys and leaving.

  8. Maybe you should watch this show:

    I Killed my BFF

    And properly protect yourself. Juuuust sayin' lady sounds scary.