Thursday, January 24, 2013

The moral of the story is....always listen to ESB


Dear ESB,

This is not a question, but a word of warning to any bride who doesn't heed your wise words about not inviting people to your wedding who you don't really want to be there. 

During university I had a tight-knit group of great girl friends, and despite the fact we all moved across the world after graduation we have always stayed on each other's radars. There was one girl who was always on the fringes of the group, because, well, she was pretty annoying. Very bright, but really competitive (particularly with me), judgmental, intense and uptight. The kind who always wants to know what your new X cost, or how much you weigh, or how obscure the band you were listening to was, so she can try to one up you. She didn't seem to actually like any of us, yet she was kinda always hanging on to our group, just sulking and judging. After university, she got a boyfriend and moved out of the country and no one in our group really heard from her again. 

Flash forward five years, to this past year, and I'm getting married to my rad partner on the other side of the world. My awesome friends from university are all traveling from different countries for our wedding, and it is the first time since graduation we will all be together again. Despite the fact that I don't really want the girl there, and against ALL YOUR GOOD ADVICE ON THE MATTER (and against the rest of my friends' advice!), I felt bad for not including her and decided to send her an invitation. What's the worst thing that could happen?, I rationalized. She probably won't even come, and, if she does, I'll just have to see her that one night and then probably never hear from her again! Right? 

But come she did, as annoying and judgmental as ever, and fresh from a break up with her boyfriend. And she went straight for my new husband's lovely, shy brother. 

After just one very drunken weekend together, and a lot of long distance phone calls over the last five months, this girl and my brother-in-law just got engaged this week. (They still live on different continents, but as I said, she is intense! And apparently has a very charming phone manner? I don't know, I don't get it.) I'm trying to be happy (?) for them in that abstract way you're supposed to be happy for your family, but, selfishly, I just can't believe that I am now going to be related to the most annoying person I've ever met. 

The moral of the story is: don't invite people you don't want to come to your wedding. Or you might end up related to them. AND ALWAYS LISTEN TO ESB.

Sincerely,
Very Sorry I Didn't Listen

(For the love of god, if you post this please don't put my name since my future fucking sister in law will be wedding planning soon!)

*****

Wow that is not how i expected that story to end


Image: Aimee Song courtesy of The Coveteur via Allie Stefan

31 comments:

  1. I started reading and thought "eh, what's the worst that could happen?" and then I got to then end and thought "That. That's the worst that could happen."

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    1. Yeah I totally thought this was going to go the "she held up the receiving line loudly 'complimenting' me about how much weight I'd lost or how I'd managed to pull off such a cheap dress" route.

      And I'm rather sorry it didn't go that route, OP. Damn.

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    2. Ha. Love this. But feel so sorry for you! Please update us!! x

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  2. This needs the #weddinghorrorstory tag like Whoa.

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  3. AAAHHHHHHHHH total nightmare!!

    Hope for a long engagement that doesn't work out...

    And if they do break up, pls update us.

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  4. Yeah, this is awesomely horrible. But I'm thinking...it probably won't work out, right? I mean, even if they do get married, would it actually last?

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    1. Yeah, but if it doesn't, poor sweet shy brother gets his little heart crushed. That's not a lotta fun either...

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    2. But what's wrong with poor sweet shy brother that he can be railroaded by such a monster over the telephone?! You don't get engaged when you live on different continents and expect it to work out!

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  5. Shit. Shit shit shit. That's the worst.

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  6. Yes, hope for a long engagement. If he doesn't come to his senses... you are stuck being "happy" for them. Yeeesh.

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  7. Honestly, I thought you were gonna say she got pregnant. Now THAT would be the worst.

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  8. Here's wishing them a very long engagement, no surprise (or planned) pregnancies and a return of (or introduction to) good sense for the brother.

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  9. same, esb. i thought she was going to say something just along the lines of (i don't know how i can be so optimistic sometimes) "she came and now i have to be in her bridal party since she is getting married now!" not knowing the bridal party would consist of her now brother-in-law! YIKES!!!

    and "Very Sorry I Didn't Listen", don't you think this story is pretty unique? if your future sister-in-law sees this...i don't know. i am just having thoughts of the ending of the seinfeld episode where elaine confides in the rabbi and george and his fiance are in bed watching tv and the rabbi starts talking about george and his fiance and george's fling with a prostitute before their wedding. ha!

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    1. Oh god, I'd feel pretty terrible if she did read it and put two and two together. I guess I didn't really realize just how weird and specific the situation was until I read on here. However, she is very much the fairy princess type of girl who I doubt would be trolling ESB for inspiration (she was SCANDALIZED by my lack of bridesmaids and my refusal to wear a white fluffy dress), so I'm really hoping she won't ever see it. Eh, and if so, I'll throw it on the already pretty big pile of awkward things we don't discuss, and take solace in the fact that my life is resembling a Seinfeld episode in some way.

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  10. I thought you were going to say he spent your wedding flirting with your husband...I guess I am being too pesimistic lately..

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  11. Worst possible outcome of course, but also the greatest story I've ever seen on this blog. So at least you have that.

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  12. Oh wow. That seems a disproportionate punishment for not heeding esb.
    Shouldn't you just be wearing bad stripper shoes or something?

    Sucks, sorry.

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  13. I wouldn't worry about it too much - how much can you "know" and "love" someone after five month living a zillion miles apart? My money's on broken engagement.

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  14. Wow, not at all how I thought this was going to end. Damn.

    But I have to agree with Jessica Ellen... this is the best story I've read on this blog and I am bookmarking it.

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  15. time to find brother in a law a new friend to fall in love with....

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  16. that is just tragic. horrendous.. or whorendous

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  17. OMG! Worst posible outcome ever.

    I thought maybe there should some sort of consolation prize awarded to you. But no, you didn't listen to ESB...so let this be a cautionary tale to us all.

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  19. SHE IS GOING TO READ THIS. It's only a matter of time. Also, WTF is that goop above my post?

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    Replies
    1. You mean you don't want to surf that web page for "fake vagina"?

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    2. I might. Who can say?

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