Thursday, November 1, 2012
Introvert caught in a big, white, wedding nightmare
Some background: My FH and I have always been at odds in the wedding that we wanted. I want to elope, he wants a big party. I would be totally fine with the big wedding if he were the one in the white dress (I know that I don't have to wear white, it's more of a metaphor).
Long story short, I agreed to a big wedding (with not much discussion, because it's just so important to him) in June 2013 with ~150 people. I was doing ok until our engagement party (hosted by his parents in Vermont) last week, when I got a taste of what the wedding is going to be like. Holy crap. I realized very abruptly that I don't want a big wedding. That I have been dreading the big wedding that we are planning for the last 3 months at least; having nightmares about running down the aisle in my unmentionables because I forgot to pick up my dress from the seamstress.
I'm not sleeping well (mostly due to the creative nightmares my overwrought brain is producing for my entertainment each night), and I've been sick since the engagement party, and I think it was the stress of the party that made me sick. I've also been having trouble focusing at work, because the wedding planning consumes my mind all day and all night, and because maybe if I get everything right I'll really enjoy it (crazy, I know). I also balk at the idea of spending the kind of money that we're planning to spend on a wedding that I'm not particularly excited about.
I don't want to be the center of attention. I never have. I'm happiest with a good book in front of a warm fire, or cuddling with my FH. I am not looking forward to being a bride, and I can't continue to carry around the amount of stress that this wedding is heaping onto me (or I am heaping onto myself) for the next 8 months. I want to think/talk/dream about something else! My FH is an amazing person. He's been taking on more and more of the planning to relieve my stress. But, I can't help feeling like having a big wedding is the price I have to pay for getting to marry him.
In the wake of the engagement party I suggested that we scrap the big white wedding in June, and try to pull something together to get married in Vermont on the weekend before New Year's Eve (Dec 29th or 30th) with just our immediate family and very close friends, about 20 people. He's not entirely opposed to the idea of a small Vermont wedding, because he can see how stressed I am about the big June wedding (it's not subtle), but he's worried that we will be inconveniencing the people that we do invite, disappointing that ones that we don't invite, and that it will be too stressful to pull off in such a short amount of time.
He thinks it's selfish to ask people to add us to their holiday plans, while I think that time between Christmas and New Year's is fair game. I have gotten very attached to the idea in a short amount of time because it relieves the pressure of the wedding planning that has been preying on my sanity.
*Is it asking too much of people in too short an amount of time?
*Would we be disappointing people if we scrap the big wedding (we haven't even sent out save-the-dates yet)?
*And is it selfish of me to want to abandon the big wedding when it would mean a lot to my FH to have it?
I'm asking you and your readers because I only have my own opinion as a reference (which is that if one of my close friends did this and asked me to be there I would bend over backwards to be a part of it, and be happy to do so), but I think we've established that I'm a little unusual (who doesn't want to be a bride!?), and I don't feel like I can trust my own instincts in this situation.
The Reluctant Bride
Ladyfriend, you've got to work this out with your FH. *Are you* willing to pay the price (literally and figuratively) of a big fat white wedding in order to marry him?
Because it sounds to me like he's coming up with a lot of excuses for why the tiny impromptu-ish wedding won't work.
Lara Mullen by Josh Olins for Vogue UK April 2012 via c ktnon