Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Trying to be a diplomatic bride
I'm unsure as to what my role is in "encouraging" and "supporting" my FH. We've been together for a long time (7 years) and are pretty relaxed and trusting with each other. When we finally decided to get married, I was under the assumption that we would continue communicating to our family the way we had always been. He talks to his family and makes decisions around his family, and I talk to my family and make decisions about my family. Specifically about who is invited and being realistic about maybe some rocky relationships. We decided to split it- his family will have 40 slots and my family will have 40 slots. Very diplomatic in my view.
Now, this doesn't mean that I'm not friendly with his family- I am, but I never knew that weddings bring out the worst in people- often times... your family. My future MIL has been hounding me about who we are inviting from his side. I keep telling her that is something that FH will ultimately decide and she should discuss the matter with him. I thought I handled the matter pretty well, and my FH knows that this will be a touchy subject so I think he's prepped.
But then came the bridal party question. Who will be in the bridal party?
We have been together for so long, and have so many friends that have seen us through different points in our lives that we have approached the bridal party in the same way that we approached the guest list - equal number, and autonomy- I will pick my group and he will pick his. Now I'm sorry if I go back and forth in timeline, but it helps to explain this situation. FH was in the military and deployed several times to several hot zones- hence he's pretty close to his military friends. He also has a brother that he's friendly with, and they're.... "close," but if FH has an emotional problem, he's not going to call him. And he has a best friend that he's very close to, who I have grown close to over the years too. He is that close that we wouldn't consider a wedding without him.
FH has made a decision for a bridal party of 3, but has not picked the best man. Future MIL has been demanding that I influence FH's decision to making his brother his best man. I am honestly trying to be impartial, but I can't deny that I would feel more like the best man should be his best friend. He knows us as a couple, has grown with us... and frankly he's a better speaker (best man speech), more responsible (I know he won't lose the rings) and would be able to support FH better (for whatever FH would need support for).
However, I know that it's traditional that if you have a brother you make it your brother, and the brother did make my FH best man at his wedding. I have been telling future MIL that it's not my call, and that it's something FH will have to decide and that I will support whatever decision makes him happy but she's pretty insistent that I speak to him.
I feel like a broken record, but I'm wondering if I should be more firm and tell her to back off. I have told FH about this, and he has spoken to her. He's actually been pretty clear with her that it's not my call and that he will make the decision and he's still thinking about it. But it's like it's going in one ear and out the other.
I'm really trying to be inclusive with her, and keep her updated and involved (she has no daughters and she really wants to be involved in our lives) but if she's going to be this pushy over everything... I'd rather just give her the invitation, say "show up" and keep her as far away from the plans as possible. If FH wants to update her, then he can, but communication with me will be done.
Or am I completely in the wrong? Should I be encouraging him to pick his brother? Something about that seems.... wrong, but I recognize that I could be biased.
What do you think?
Trying to be a diplomatic bride
a) you're right, this is not your decision to make, b) your FMIL needs to step the fuck off, and c) YOUR FH NEEDS TO FUCKING PICK SOMEONE ALREADY. or: pick no one. there's no reason he has to have a best man.
Teresa Oman by Jason Lee Parry for Human Being Journal via Fashion Gone Rogue