Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Help! Future Sister-in-Law Wants Us to Postpone


Hey ESB,

My fiance's older sister has asked us to postpone our April wedding in Virginia. After a two year engagement, she decided to get married in July in California. 

When we told our families that we had finally found a venue and a date, she responded via text: "i am respectfuly [sic] am asking you to move ur wedding. its [sic] my time to shine. i only plan on getting married once."

Now what?
--already frustrated and haven't even sent save the dates 

*****

I know you want me to say FUCK HER, but the truth is this woman may well be in your life for the next 40+ years. If you don't push back your wedding, she will never let you forget it. Ever.

Be the bigger person. Get married in the fall.

Clémence Poésy by Corran Brownlee for the lab magazine

64 comments:

  1. Uhhh and set yourself up for a lifetime of being a pushover to this whiney twat? F*that, as ESB's tag suggests. Last I checked April and July were a few months apart. Plenty of time for people to recover and make it to both. And it's not like people are only allowed to be excited for the most recent wedding they're attending. "My time to shine"...?! you're getting married, not performing on broadway. grow up. ugh.

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    1. '"My time to shine"? You're getting married, not performing on broadway.'

      I am so stealing this for future use.

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    2. Right, and why isn't it ALSO the OP's time to shine??

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    3. On the bright side, she can hold it over her sister-in-law's head forever that she moved her wedding in order to LET HER SHINE!

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    4. Um Anon 10:57 I think Kelly B and you are saying the same thing...ease up!

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    5. I'm pretty sure Anon 10:57 was agreeing and adding to Kelly B's statement ("Right and"), not disagreeing...

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  2. Agreed. It sounds like she had set a date before you and even though it's not really overlapping, it would be best to give her the time beforehand "to shine."

    Also, this isn't important to me but may be important to her: she might want to get married before the little brother. You kind of do have to be understanding.

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  3. My brother and I got married 2 months apart and it was no big deal. Honestly it made the year even more fun. Obviously she doesn't sound very flexible or understanding, but I think your fiance needs to try talking to her. Moving your date for her is sort of ridiculous.

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  4. With all due respect, at the cost of brevity, your note leaves out a number of pertinent details; It'd be helpful to know how long you and your fiancé have been engaged, how far along you are in the planning, where your respective families live, whether you've put down deposits, are you friendly/distant with this woman, etc.

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  5. She asked you this by text?! No way, lady. Pick up the phone or talk about this in person. These two weddings are months apart, who cares if little brother gets married first? The SIL bride needs to grow up. No one says you have to like your dumb in-laws.

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  6. What kind of adult getting married TEXTS someone to ask them to move their wedding?

    Especially someone that finds their own wedding SO important they can't have any weddings within 3 months of it?!!?

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    1. Exactly. The SIL sounds like a childish, manipulative jerk. Don't start giving her room to step all over you; it'll just get worse.

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  7. Why don't you suggest a co-wedding? Reply with a faux miscommunicative response, such as, "Wow, are you suggesting that we both are married in California in July? that would be so great! Then you can have your moment to shine, and then I mine, on the same day!" And let her sweat it a bit before you be all nice and understanding... Heh Heh Heh...

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    1. hahaha...my DAD suggested this when my cousin got engaged a week after i got engaged. he was serious.

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    2. Oooh, this is perfect. Possibly send her some links about double weddings and how awesome they are.

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  8. It's not really clear - did she set her date first, or did you? If it's you, then suck it SIL. If her, then you at least need to have an adult (non-text) conversation about it.

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    1. I still don't see the big deal at all, even if SIL did set the date first.

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  9. Fuck this noise. Don't change your date. What's next? "please don't have children in the year 2014, I want my little angel pants to be the only baby for awhile". That's ridiculous especially since you've already set a date.

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    1. With you. Even if party 1 gets married the last day of April and SIL gets married the first day of July, there's still TWO MONTHS between the two weddings. If you (or really, your fiance and his sister--since this really needs to be between the two of him) can't work things out now (kindly, respectfully, and lovingly), the next few decades will be rough.

      Besides, chances are good that given the east coast/west coast differences, most of the various parties aren't going to overlap. That said, I'd still make sure that you make sure that you show up for all the stuff that you would show up or anyway.

      As for families, yeah, some people may not travel to both, but chances are good that those who would have anyway, will anyway. And those who wouldn't have anyway, wouldn't. For various reasons, I got caught in that boat a bit, but those who showed up were so amazingly wonderful, it was all worth while.

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  10. Unless she has a conflict and CANNOT attend on the date you chose, stick with it. I'm assuming that before choosing a date important family members were consulted to avoid conflicts? No one sets a date without making sure all parents etc. can attend. It's sooo rude to ask someone to move their wedding. Stick to your guns! What a brat she must be. Time to SHINE?? She sounds like a headache no matter what you do.

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  11. I don't get it. They are already 3 months apart.

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  12. I'm sorry but NO. Unless there is a valid, important/personal reason... That's just ridiculous. Definitely need to talk with her either way.

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  13. Um, yeah, no. I think FUCK HER is the appropriate response here. Maybe said a little more politely (and hopefully not via text).

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  14. The weddings are three months apart! What's the problem? Do not change everything to oblige her childish behavior! But don't burn the bridge down, either. Make sure you're there for her 100% so that she can't say you were less invested in/excited about/helpful with her wedding because you were preoccupied with your own. Actions speak. If you're supportive and helpful and excited, she'll settle down. And maybe even find it in herself to get excited for you at your wedding! Can't believe she didn't even congratulate you guys! Yeesh.

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  15. not that it's this cut and dry, but out of interest, who set their date first?

    kind of sounds like she had her July date set, then you guys announced your wedding for April, which may have seemed to her like you were trying to 'upstage' her (or whatever batshit crazy things people like SIL say). maybe just an adult conversation explaining why you chose your date and that both weddings will be equally great and significant, etc etc would do the trick?

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  16. I don't know. We're talking two different coasts here. It's likely extended family may only choose to travel to 1 if they're as little as 3 months apart. I think an adult conversation needs to happen, and maybe between your fiancée and his sister if you're not comfortable with it. She may have more rationale concerns than "time to shine".

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    1. This is the only good reason I can think of for her to freak out. Would people travel long-distance to your wedding, and then perhaps feel like they couldn't travel long-distance to hers?

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    2. STILL, though...a text message like that? SIL needs to woman-up and express her real concerns like an adult if she expects anything to come of it.

      The writer-inner has every right to be super annoyed by this, but I still say she should be the bigger person and show support and excitement for her SIL's wedding. Showing someone support and love does not mean letting them get their damn way all the time/run all over you! Don't change the date!

      Even in the event that some invitees can't attend both weddings, it's not the end of the world (this happened to me...my husband's brother got married two months before us, and announced their date AFTER ours had been set. Some of our far-away family members had to choose between the two weddings because they couldn't swing both. Both weddings were still AWESOME and fun and wonderful.)

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  17. She "respectfuly" asks "u" to change your dates then says she only plans on getting married once? As in, this will be your first of many weddings? Fuuuck that. I say switch your wedding to July.

    Seriously though, keep the peace and try and move it to the fall if it's not a big deal, no invites sent out, etc. If it is and the venue can't accommodate, keep it in April.

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    1. I was wondering if SIL was implying that... or if the bride or groom in this scenario already has a prior spouse?

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    2. I read that as the SIL trying to be funny (and not doing so well) to try and lighten up what she was asking. ::shrug::

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    3. Hmmm, perhaps. Guessing not though considering the "my time to shine." Maybe that was a joke too. Either way... in a text, really?!

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  18. Yeah, you and your fiancee should definitely talk to the sister, not just capitulate.

    If you want the April wedding and already have things in place and she has no reasoning besides "time to shine," I say stick with April.

    Also, her logic is effed. If you get married in April, she gets the next three months to SHINE all on her own. If you get married after her you will totally co-opt all her wedding lead-up time!

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  19. I think no matter what you decide, rest assured your SIL is kind of a brat (my time to shine? really?)

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  20. Direct her to this post and our comments. Under no circumstances would I accommodate this bitch. I bent over backwards for ten years putting up with my ex-SIL. I now regret every minute of it. And really....a text message? She has no respect for you and her brother. Tell this bully "NO.". Sorry you have to deal with such a narcissist.

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  21. This woman sounds terrible, yes ("I only plan on getting married once"?? UGH).

    But.....I kind of agree with ESB. If she is this crazy, she might not react rationally with you sticking to your April date. It might be much more worth it to postpone if it means years of backlash otherwise.


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  22. If you push your wedding back and wait, she is just going to do this again. By then she'll probably be pregnant, and it will be her "and the baby's" time to shine. You'll have to deal with her all your life, so I say stand up to her and make it clear you won't take this crap for the next 50 years. Lady needs to get over herself. She's had two years to shine.

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    1. agreed. as someone with crazies in the family, i know from experience that letting them have their way can only lead to more of the same in the future.

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  23. I'd at least talk it over with her. It's so easy to get jealous and say stupid things when it comes to these bug emotional landmarks in life. It drives me nuts that my sil is due 4 weeks after me. It's petty and childish and I wouldn't dare say anything but it annoys the hell out of me. And maybe talking it over could smooth things over. Maybe she'll see the light or you'll come to see it how she does or At the very least you'll find out whether she is a raging bitch or if she was just having a moment or really has a clear reason.

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  24. The ONLY reason I can think of why she may have a valid concern is if guests are traveling far to both weddings, and might go to the first one (yours) and then feel like they can't make it to the second one.

    But even so, you guys needs to talk this through in person. If she has no good reason for freaking out about this, then I'd get your fiance and their parents to talk some sense in to her. You should not be the one to do it. As ESB said, you have to deal with her for the rest of her life. Let his family work on her.

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  25. I think I am with ESB on this one. It sounds like she picked her date first, and while that doesn't mean that she OWNS TIME and gets to dictate what does and doesn't take place during the 6 months surrounding her wedding, it doesn't sound like she's in the most rational head space right now. I hear wedding planning can do that to people. Maybe SIL is uncomfortable with confrontation and the ridiculous text message is the best way she knew how to approach the issue. Who knows. But yeah, you gotta think long term here and the family you're marrying into, and the ramifications that a "FUCK YOU" would carry many years into the future. At least have a conversation with her and see what she is actually concerned about. Maybe you can talk her off her ledge and assure her that she will still be nice and shiny in July even if you guys get married in April. Or maybe not, but at least you tried.

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    1. I agree with hampton/esb. It sounds like she picked her date first and for a lot of families having two weddings in a 3 month period would be a huge emotional/financial/time drain. And since her wedding will be second, she's likely to be the one shafted in these areas, which hardly seems fair. These thoughts are probably going through her head and she freaked out and didn't explain herself properly.

      As for the text message communication, that's rude, but may be her main form of communication. Also, I verified with my family our wedding date by text message and we don't know that OP hadn't started the texting herself.

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    2. Texting your wedding date is fine.

      Texting "Change your wedding date, plz & ty" is NOT text material, no matter who texted first. What?!

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  26. Um, just say no. Basically.
    What a fruit-cake....!

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  27. Im so surprised at ESBs response! This is ridiculous! It's not the same weekend, week, or even MONTH! For goodness sake. Get married in April.

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  28. I disagree with esb. Unless she has a much more valid reason for wanting you to change your date than thunder-stealing, you should explain to her why you won't be able to change the date. Be kind, but firm. When has appeasing lunatics ever made life easier for the sane people?

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  29. For the first time ever, I disagree with ESB.

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  30. My first reaction was screw her, but after thinking about it for a minute, I think you should reschedule. I'm not going to repeat what everyone else said (but I am: who got engaged first? Were there reasons for a two-year engagement?) so I'll add something new:

    Did your fiance check with the family on the date before you guys picked it? I assumed that was the appropriate thing to do, and it would have saved the awkward issue.

    Finally, your fiance should communicate your decision with the SIL, not you.

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  31. maybe text back "respectfully, no" and then let us all know the outcome. please.

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  32. I don't understand why everyone thinks the sister in law is so unreasonable. I dislike the tone of her text, but I can see where she's coming from. If I'd been planning a wedding for two years, and then my little brother stepped in to say he'd be getting married two months before my big day, I'd feel like my toes were getting stepped on a bit. I also agree with Mary Ann, the two weddings are close enough together that some people may be forced to choose between the two as traveling to weddings gets expensive. Just consider her feelings and the amount of work she's put into over the past TWO YEARS, and the fact that you have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life. If she's saying something about it now, I imagine she will certainly hold a grudge if you don't listen to her.

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  33. Getting married in the fall will still mean to cross-country family weddings in three-ish months. It will just mean that the childish SIL gets hers first. If SIL moved *her* wedding to the fall, then everybody would have some breathing room.

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  34. I'm of the mind of "your family, your strategy." What does your fiance think? How important is being close with his/her sister to your fiance? How often do you see or speak with the sister now? Whenever one of our family members is acting a fool my wife and I discuss it, but the person whose family member is being toolish is primarily responsible to figuring it out and taking action.

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  35. It blows my mind that people ask others to reschedule their wedding. I guess because I see the main focus of a wedding as your marriage, not the party. Literally, she's asking you to delay the onset of your MARRIAGE. Maybe even delaying the start of your family? I don't know your life plans. Insane. So you move it to fall and have to wait another 6 months to become husband and wife? Or you wait until next spring and then its a year plus until you're married?

    I'd move it forward 2 months, thus giving a 6 month gap. Explain that you aren't just party planning - you're putting your life together in motion. For a bitchy kick, say "I only plan on getting married once and don't want to wait two years to be his wife."

    The woman who asks another woman to rescheudle her marriage is a woman that cannot be reasoned with. She'll think you're unreasonable no matter what you do. Just wait until you can't announce your pregnancy/home purchase/new job until she's already announced hers, lest you steal her thunder.

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  36. I agree with ESB here, especially if she picked her July date first. I mean, "my time to shine" was a stupid thing to say but maybe she was trying to be funny.

    Shit, we cleared our date with all close family first to make sure there were no conflicts. My sister and I are on opposite coasts and two weddings in three months sounds like a travel nightmare. Esp since we were in each other's wedding parties. I don't blame her!

    Now, if she picked after you then she can go fuck herself.

    Also, I would make your future spouse deal with this.

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  37. Ok people... it's called a wedding DAY, not a wedding SIX MONTHS.... If my brother or any other family member or friend were to get married, I'd hope it wouldn't be the weekend before or after my wedding, but other than that just for logistical reasons... get over it. Even if it was the weekend before or after, I'd still happily go & lend my fullest support.

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  38. I dunno, pick your battles. While the text may have been lame, maybe she was too uncomfortable to start the conversation live and wanted to test the waters. This lady will be in your life for a good long time, so unless you are knee deep in plans that will be derailed by moving the date, let this one slide.

    At the very least, take comfort in the fact that you can take secret spy notes at her wedding and improve upon your own.

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