Tuesday, July 17, 2012

how do I tell people once we've eloped?


Hey ESB,

I have a relatively drama-free question for you, but I'm hoping you and your readers might have some insight into a logistical problem I'm having.

My partner and I have decided to get married, but we're skipping the hoopla of a wedding in favour of a city hall ceremony while on a trip (that's as far as we've gone with planning, which is the main reason we realized we could never pull off a wedding - we're terrible planners!). We're both happier to make it low-key, and luckily our friends and families know us well enough that we're not anticipating any drama in that regard (knock wood!).

Where we're stuck is figuring out how to tell everyone - obviously we'll call/Skype our parents and grandmothers, but extended family, friends, and coworkers will all need to be told. I'd love to get some cute elopement announcements printed up and mail them to everyone, but collecting addresses in advance will surely raise eyebrows, plus there's the issue of delays in the mail, people not receiving them at the same time, people moving, etc.

I'm almost tempted to just let everyone know online, but I dread being one of those awful "lifestyle news" stories about the kooky couple who announced their wedding on facebook. What should I do?

*****

Buy a wedding ring. Put it on your left hand.

When people ask, "Did you get married??" you say YES.

Image: Madewell Catalog via Marte Marie via Modern Hepburn

39 comments:

  1. That's unhelpful. What about family and friends who live overseas/far away? Not letting them know would be weird and a bit rude.

    Maybe just call people rather than send cards?

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  2. I love announcement cards. I agree that collecting addresses gives away the game, but they will probably think you're collecting for a wedding invitation, which would lessen the surprise when it turns out you've actually eloped. Print them well in advance, and mail them from your vacation city hall destination the day-of the ceremony. If you're unplugged from email, FB, etc for a couple of days, that gives folks enough time to receive the card.

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    Replies
    1. but if you do that, it's like you're asking for gifts.

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    2. No, including registry information on the announcements would be asking for a gift. Letting people know that you got married does not equal asking for presents.

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    3. I'm with Anon 6:17-- I love the idea of announcement cards! Other commenters below have suggested phone calls and emails (with pictures) as alternatives, so that's an option. I think announcement cards are such a lovely idea, though.
      And Martha's right, sending an announcement =/= asking for gifts. Miss Manners would agree: Sending an announcement = people knowing you're married. Whether they send gifts (or somehow feel obligated to do so after receiving said announcement) is their own issue.

      Delete
    4. 1) get all the addresses from one person if possible so as not to give it away. My mom had 90% of any family addresses I would need.

      2) The mail system is surprisingly quick and efficient. We just mailed out our invites and people got them within 1 day.

      3) Does it matter if your friends & fam get theirs one or two days apart? I'm sure they won't mind once they get their own.

      Delete
    5. I'm with Anon 6:17 too! I love the idea of announcement cards and sending them from the place you eloped on the day is a very nice touch. I do not think it equates for asking for gifts.

      As Anon 1:52 said above, gather all the addresses possible from one person. It's also remarkably easy to find a lot of addresses in the white pages. We utilized this for some of our Save the Dates. There were a few we checked because something didn't look right, but in the end none of them were "Returned to Sender".

      We live abroad and designed an e-announcement to let people know we were engaged. We used a picture of us taken shortly before he popped the question. That worked well and was well received, but it felt like a more casual way to go.

      Delete
  3. In terms of family, once you've told parents/grandparents/siblings, you can pretty much trust them to let your entire extended family know in short order.

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  4. I think family & closest of friends should get a phone call, but for the rest... is PaperlessPost.com too gauche? It's less 'obvious' to collect someone's email. I know it's not the same thing as an actual card, but they have some lovely designs. I used PP for our Save the Dates (which is a completely different proposition, I understand), but it made things really simple and you can keep track of who opened their email, who's email bounced, and so on.

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    Replies
    1. I meant 'whose' not 'who's'... apologies.

      Delete
  5. We did this in NY in the middle of a heatwave on June 21st and it was the best. We told our parents and siblings before we left and sent everyone else an email with a photo attached and that worked for us, no co-ordination required and no worrying that someone would receive a card and announce it on facebook before anyone else knew!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I like the email and attached photo idea (you could overlay some type on the picture, so it looks a bit announcementy).

      That said, I only think paper announcements are hard because of the address thing - if you don't want to give it away. Announcements were pretty common back in the day when weddings were tiny family affairs, often just church + luncheon at home.

      I would not worry about an announcement implying that gifts are expected. Close relations will send gifts because the WANT to (not feel they need to) and others won't send gifts.

      Delete
  6. I say ask for the addresses - If they ask if you are getting married, just say it's a surprise??


    I think people would be really disappointed if you didn't announce it at all (please no facebook) and it would seem like maybe you aren't all that excited or it isn't a big deal to you despite not wanting to plan a party. I have a sneaking suspicion that you ARE really excited but just want to avoid a lot of crappy wedding stuff.

    Get awesome announcements - send them out! It will be fun to get all the calls and emails of congrats!

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  7. I hate announcement cards. I think you communicate with people the way you normally would with any important news. Call the people you'd usually call, email/write/whatever the rest. No one that you wouldn't personally announce this to in an individual conversation doesn't really matter anyway. They can find out on facebook.

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    Replies
    1. This seems like the best way to go to me. I do think you need to say something - I had an engagement ring on for a year before some of my family realized I didn't just like diamond rings.

      Delete
  8. Sort of similar...I decided not to announce my pregnancy ever. I figure people will ask when it's beyond obvious. And it will be entertaining to watch people squirm a bit, while thinking " is she fat or is she pregnant". And I know my mother is going to scream the news from the rooftops once I remove the gag order.

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    Replies
    1. I'm doing this too. Announced to close friends, family and my work team at 13 weeks. I'll let my expanding gut do the talking.

      17 weeks and popped. Awesome comments and looks.

      Delete
  9. you send announcements it sounds like you are asking for gifts.

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  10. Announcements are announcements, not asking for gifts. Gifts or not gifts is completely up to the person receiving the announcement.

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  11. If you like announcements, send them! If you think they are stupid, don't!

    You said you're not a planner but, be sure to check on residency requirements/waiting period for the marriage license if you are traveling out of your own county.

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  12. Mail postcards from the place you got married... pre-type up labels with mailing address and another larger label with the "HEY WE GOT MARRIED HERE! xoxo Insert Names" or some other wordings more to your liking. That way you're not sitting around some place having to write the same info over and over again for hours.

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    Replies
    1. This is my preferred answer, too. I'll probably do it myself someday.

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    2. yeah, but without the labels. hand-write em.

      Delete
  13. You can do email announcements using www.PaperlessPost.com. We used them for our wedding invitations. They're gorgeous and cheap. I swear I don't work for their company, although they really should pay me for all the raving I've done about them!

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  14. I really like the idea of an announcement card---it feels a lot more thoughtful than an email (kind of like sending a snail-mail thank you note or birthday card). I love the idea of anon 9:54 about the postcards with the location. Something fun for your family/friends to put on their fridge and ask you about the next time they see you.

    For local people and those that you don't have addresses for (co-workers, etc.) I think ESB is right---they will notice your ring!

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  15. Send snail mail announcements because picking out stationary is fun and you might never have another excuse to do so. It won't be weird to say to people, "Hey I want to send you something, what's your address?"

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  16. Hey, it's the question-asker here - thanks so much for the suggestions! I had been leaning towards announcements (I love paper, and the mail) but worried that it would be too obvious; you guys are right though, I'm probably just being paranoid and should collect the damn addresses! I can always through people off by sending them something before we go...

    I *am* going to use ESB's suggested approach for local/casual acquaintances, though. It could be fun to see how long it takes some people to notice...

    Also, I think you inadvertently found me a dress - I love that madewell shift!

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    Replies
    1. You could always say you'd been meaning to compile a christmas card list for a while and thought you'd take advantage of your summer holiday time to get that off your mind.

      Delete
  17. Oh yay. This is such perfect timing, I could have submitted it myself. We've discussed Announcements too, but worried they'd come off as soliciting gifts, which is certainly not the case. I'm totally a fan of the handwritten postcard idea too. Thanks for letting us steal your advice.

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  18. When we eloped, my husband and I told our parents first, then got addresses from them. Anyone who was a friend we told we were planning a party/wanted to send them a birthday card, etc. I spent a few weeks before we got married writing a personal note to each person/family, then gathered the addresses slowly, and sent out the cards and notes. In the note I explained why we decided to elope, asked them to keep it under wraps for a while so we could make sure to get word to everyone, and told them how important they are to us, and also made sure they knew we would love to go to dinner or meet up for drinks sometime to catch up. Some people sent presents, most people sent cards or called. Then after all the important people were notified we changed our Facebook status. Ha.

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  19. I think it could be easy enough to collect addresses if you say you want to send postcards to people while you're away. A little "p.s. we got married" would be a lovely, and not in-your-face way to announce it to the people you care about. plus it gives you a lovely response to "what did you do on your trip?" for local friends and coworkers.

    Have fun - I'm incredibly jealous as I was keen to elope. Our day was wonderful in the end, but I do get a little jealous of all you elopers!

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  20. A "What I Did on Summer Vacation" postcard/note would be super cute.

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  22. Oh my god, you're seriously worried about being a freaking news item? How self-centred are you?

    Tell the people you talk to all the time. Who gives a shit if your coworkers know? You do realize other people have their own lives, right?

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    Replies
    1. No. People need to stop thinking the world revolves around them.

      Delete
    2. i thought it pretty obvious that the 'news item' comment was tongue in cheek.

      and really? "who gives a shit if your coworkers know"? wow... i actually like and am friends with most of my coworkers. I feel a little sad for you if you don't give a shit whether your coworkers know/don't know about big news in your life.
      I don't think the original letter writer thinks the world revolves around her at all, I just think you're being a bit hostile.

      Delete
  23. We eloped! We decided to have a party to celebrate a month afterwards. So, once we got home we quickly designed an invite to the party with a photo from our tiny ceremony and sent it out. Trying to remember how we got addresses... We told our parents in person over dinner. I think once they knew, they gave us their list of addresses. I had most my friend's addresses from hosting showers and parties in the past. It was a simple & silly announcement to a low key pinata smashing wedding dance party. It was perfect! This was before Facebook.

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