Wednesday, July 11, 2012
please convince me to have my wedding
FH and I are having a very small, intimate wedding. We rented a big house in the woods, invited immediate family and a few dear friends to spend 5 days with us, housing / food (we'll cook) provided. Less than 20 people. At some point we'll do a small ceremony outside with FH's dad officiating and then have a hopefully affordable catered dinner on the deck and party all night. It's exactly what we wanted.
Except, my immediate family... are kind of assholes. Very, very tiny things regularly set them off. Last week, after discovering FH and I had taken down an online video of us giving wedding details, and my mother was outraged when she went to show it to someone and it wasn't there. This prompted her to say "she didn't even want to come," she "doesn't want me as her daughter," and "all I care about is her paying the bill." My sister seconded this with a lecture about how selfish I am to, and this is a quote, "rob (my family) of the dream wedding (they've) always had for me." She expressed that I have "stolen" from her the opportunity to be in the bridal party with "the dress" and place of honor in front of 300 people. She says it's not fair. (And no, she's not 12. She's 22.) She's MOH, by the way.
Obviously, this really, really hurts. But to be honest this isn't outrageous coming from either of them. My mother has a terrible temper, she flies off the handle, and she says whatever she wants. By next week she will have gotten over/completely forgotten it. My sister is The Drama Queen. Several months ago she said she wouldn't come because we didn't give her a +1. (And no, she is not in a relationship.)
Please believe me that I am a strong, communicative person (despite my family, and thanks to years in therapy) and if I didn't know that trying to calmly express to them that this is a day about love, and intimacy with a few close people (based on expenses, not the desire to exclude extended family, etc) would only backfire into more vitriol from them... I would try. But this isn't how they operate. This is a cycle I am familiar with. Small issue, explosion and nastiness spewed all over me, and then they get over it and it just "never happened." Trying to defend myself (at all, evenly calmly and apologetically) only results in a longer, more drawn-out blow-out. All I can do is apologize (hollowly) and wait it out.
But. They make me so sad, and they hurt me so much. At this point, I don't want to have this wedding.
I want to go to the courthouse, do the deed, and move to the moon to avoid the anger eloping would cause. I don't feel able to finalize the catering bill that my mother is paying for, and/or all the other expenses we couldn't afford without help from my parents. She offers to pay (we never, never asked her to) but then says shit like "I'm only good for sucking her dry." It's a nasty, manipulative game. If I told her we would pay ourselves, she would be offended by that as well. It would be "shutting her out."
But FH is a supportive and strong darling and won't budge on the fact that we're having this beautiful wedding and it will be joyful and celebratory and my crazy family is not going to take that away from us. And he's right, I know. He is amazingly supportive and sweet. He is the family I got to choose for myself. But he has a darling mother and family, and probably can't accurately imagine what I feel like. I am just an adult child who wants my mother and sister to be sweet and happy for me.
I guess I was just hoping for some encouragement. I need you and your readers' spunk and support to help me put this in perspective. I need to get back to a place where I am excited to be having this beautiful, tiny wedding in the trees with my dearest friends, and yes, my immediate family. Because I do want them there. They are, after all, my family. But right now... I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. With FH. And no telephone.
HAVE YOUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And for fuck's sake, stop apologizing to these people.
You can't make them be happy for you. No matter what you do. Haven't you been over this with your therapist??
Kate Moss by Juergen Teller for Vogue (December 1994) via Maia McDonald via Sasha Darling