Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Is it possible to revoke a wedding invitation?


Dear ESB,

I just found your blog and have been reading it for hours. You are amazing. I wish I'd looked for wedding advice before the wedding was already half planned but hindsight is 20/20.

So I realized pretty quickly while reading that I have broken one of your golden rules. We invited some people to our wedding that we really don't want to be there. Most of them politely declined, some did not RSVP at all, but one couple with a newborn baby (who will be about 1 year old by the wedding date) excitedly accepted our invite. Back story is that we know this couple through a group of mutual friends that we used to hang out with more in the past before they all started having babies. To be honest we have never really liked them much but they were always involved in parties/events/other weddings of our mutual friends so when we were drafting our guest list we included them, not really thinking it through. We've never even really hung out with them on a one-on-one basis. I think we just got overzealous with our invitations. We also figured that since they would have a fairly new baby (their first) that they wouldn't want to attend because the wedding is out of town, they don't own a car, and live a pretty budget lifestyle so we didn't imagine them springing for a hotel room and bus tickets or a rental car and all that.

So until today we hadn't really thought much more about it other than to comment every once in awhile that we wish we hadn't invited them because they are tedious to talk to and we are worried they won't get along well with our real friends. This morning one of our mutual friends told us she was surprised to discover recently that she had been de-friended on facebook by the female half of this couple. We laughed at the weirdness of this. Since the baby they have been pretty aloof and not really interested in hanging out with any baby-free friends of theirs. Nothing weird had happened, she just one day noticed this woman had stopped showing up in her feed. There had been no falling out, she just randomly dropped her. I jokingly said, wouldn't it be weird if she de-friended my fiance and I too, even though she is planning on coming to our wedding. We all agreed there is no way she would do that. I just had a look on facebook when I got home and discovered both my fiance and I have been de-friended too. WTF?

I know facebook friendship is a terrible indicator of actual friendship. I'm not a particularly avid facebook user at all which is why I never noticed she defriended me at the time. Honestly I kind of hate everything about facebook. BUT, I'm actually super weirded out that she would de-friend us in a virtual sense but still plan on coming to our wedding. Part of me sees this as an opportunity to somehow un-invite them, or at least check in with them to see if they are still planning on coming since they seem to not be interested in maintaining a virtual friendship with us anymore. But I can't decide which I'd rather avoid more, a confrontation with them now, or having them actually attend and take up 3 seats at our wedding (er... wait... does a 1 year old get a whole seat?) What do you think? If I did talk to them about it do you have any advice on what I should say?

Should I just shut up and concentrate on more important things like what shoes and accessories I am going to wear with this dress? I'm thinking these or these. I'm quite tall so not into wearing heels higher than 2". Plus the wedding is outdoors so flats or wedges would work best. I kind of want the shoes to be a statement so am unsure if the LF ones are enough. I can't really spend more than $350. Would love to know what you think about all of this. Also please (duh) avoid using my name if you post this lest my non-friends discover I am gossiping about them on the internet like a total asshole.

Love your blog and will continue reading your entire back catalog now...


*****

I know I rant about how you should never invite anyone you don't want to hang out with. And I mean it. 

BUT. The truth is, you will be so deliriously happy running around in that RAD DRESS (which, you should totally get the LF wedges, nobody will see them anyway) that you won't even notice these two duds and their dud baby.

It's not worth the bad karma to uninvite them.

40 comments:

  1. Can you say that the baby isn't invited? I feel like this is an easy way for them to not want to go because GOD FORBID they be anywhere without their baby for 8 hours.

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    1. hmmm don't think it's a sure-fire out. I have a {pretty new} baby and I would totally ditch him with his grandparents for a wedding. But then, maybe I'm a shit mum.

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  2. Are you fucking kidding me?

    esb, you were way too kind with this one.

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    1. my thoughts exactly !

      those shoes are fabulous, by the way.

      (incidentally, WHY DO PEOPLE BRING TODDLERS TO WEDDINGS ? WHY ?!?!)

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  3. Yes, you can absolutely un-invite someone to your wedding, but the fallout won't be clean and might make the whole thing more stressful than keeping them on the guest list. Also, keep in mind you can un-un-invite someone, meaning if the un-inviting turns ugly, there's no going back. If you had invited a bunch of people like this, I'd say you need to do some clean-up, but like ESB said, you probably won't even notice these two.

    I'd probably just throw something in there (like no baby) to make it a little less appealing for them to come, then let them know you'd realllllllly miss them but you totally get it and your feelings won't be hurt if they can't make it.

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  4. You invited them, and it's terribly rude to disinvite them (especially without a real reason). It's just two people that you will briefly say "hello" to, and then go party with your husband and real friends. Also, they're probably excited to get out of the house, and it's kind of mean to take that away from them. As far as facebook goes, perhaps they just defriended everyone except their parents or something (babies make people do weird things) - I wouldn't take that personally. Or even give a shit, really; it's facebook.

    AND, your dress is gorgeous. Wear the wedges.

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  5. There's something passive agressive about un-friending someone on facebook...I mean, if you don't want to see someone's updates you can block them from your feed and they never know about it.

    It miiiiight be worth it to ask her? "Hey, I noticed you un-friended me on facebook and I was wondering if you were still planning on coming to the wedding?"

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    1. Yeah, I'm with this, or just letting it go. It sounds like you're going to have a lot of people, so you won't really see them beyond saying "hi thanks for coming," so while it's a little annoying I don't think it'll make a difference. But- my first instinct would be to ask them. Because it is weird to de-friend someone whose wedding you're going to, and I feel like it's reasonable to check in and see if they're still going.

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    2. Yeah this was what I was thinking too. I mean, it's a bit weird to delete someone from Facebook and then come to their wedding but then maybe they deleted you before the invite arrived and it would be weird to ask for your friendship again? Facebook makes life so complicated!!
      But as ESB said, you seriously won't even notice them on the day because it's such a whirlwind and you'll be focusing on the people you really care about.
      P.S that dress is awesome!

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  6. So we're talking invitations are out and they officially responded, right? Yeah, no. Telling them they can't come because you've been un-friended on facebook is bullshit.

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  7. Are you prepared to embrace being a complete asshole? Uninviting them for these dumb reasons is a total asshole move. This question is so dumb I WON'T EVEN LOOK AT THE SHOES.

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  8. Agree with ESB. But maybe uninviting the kid would solve the whole problem...

    Also was just looking at the Candela website thinking what a rad wedding dress the "Dominique" would make. Nice choice!

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  9. You should RE-friend her on Facebook. :)

    If kids are allowed, you can't uninvite just THEIR kid. You won't notice them.

    I like the flats better than the wedges on their own merit - they are more interesting. I look better walking in heels, though, so assuming this is universal, I'd get the wedges.

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    1. I think it's universal that asses look better with a little heal. The wedges are the way to go.

      ESBs advice about not inviting people you don't at your wedding applies to actually not inviting them in the first place. An un-invitation is always rude and sounds like there is really no point in this case.

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  10. Also, please wear your dress as a sheer cover-up on your honeymoon like in the picture on the link. It's amazing.

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  11. I'm sorry but those wedges are a little meh for the price. I'd stay tone-on-tone which is sooo chic with something like these (which are cheaper, whee):

    apricot low wedge strappy things

    ALSO, the bitch in me is sort of glorying in the idea of the Unwanteds coming to the wedding, not being friends with anyone, Facebook-Officially not being friends with YOU, and spending the entire time ignored in the corner / getting elbowed out of dance circles. Mwahaha.

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    1. Oh shit. Just read this after I posted below... These apricot wedges are great! THANK YOU!!!

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  12. I don't understand when people fret over Facebook un-friending but say that they don't like it/don't care about it at the same time.

    She probably un-friended you cause she's weirded out on baby hormones. Let her come to the wedding to confirm if her brain turned to mush or not.

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    1. that cracked me up too...

      she is so tedious. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE UNFRIENDED ME.

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    2. Maybe she unfriended these chics because she realized that single people aren't interested in seeing 817 photos of a newborn every day. In which case, she is actually nicer than the OP.

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  13. "I know facebook friendship is a terrible indicator of actual friendship. I'm not a particularly avid facebook user at all which is why I never noticed she defriended me at the time. Honestly I kind of hate everything about facebook. BUT" ... All credibility lost right there.

    They'll probs clock out early from the reception b/c of the baby anyway, so don't give this anymore attention than it deserves (which is none at all to begin with!!). They'll probs roll out with a huge ass Graco stroller, people will wonder why the fuck why they don't bring something small, roll their eyes in response and ignore them the rest of the night.

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  14. I'm the one that wrote this and I am so glad I did. YOU ARE ALL RIGHT! That is why I wrote in. I needed some rational perspective. I won't be uninviting them. It would be a dick move. We can't tell them no babies, because there will be like 6 other babies there. And you are right, the un-friending totally doesn't mean anything. Actually, I CAN believe she unfriended me. It wasn't a lack of belief I was struggling with (I honestly don't care), more that we thought we could use this as an opening to be able to nix them but in reality there is no such thing as that and we won't be worrying about it. I will try to not be an asshole. I will get the wedges though but I'm thinking about the black and nude toned ones with the tiny bit of cheetah print now. Thanks for talking some sense into me!

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    1. I never comment, but I feel compelled to now because the black/nude/cheetah wedges are divine and perfect for your dress and you must get them.

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    2. Ya, I'm so torn. But I think the deciding factor will be which ever goes on sale first...

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  15. I also think that ESB was too nice on this one. All of this is lame. It was a mistake to invite people to your wedding who you have never hung out with on a "one-on-one" basis just so that you can seem awesome for including them but secretly thinking that because they live a "budget lifestyle" they will never actually come. But, the mistake has already been made so now you just need to deal with it. Whether they are "tedious to talk to" or not doesn't matter. It's your wedding, which it sounds like you've invited lots of people to, so you'll have to talk to them for maybe five minutes. Then, you're worried that they won't get along with your "real friends." They obviously weren't concerned with this when they RSVP'ed "yes" so it sounds like they are pretty confident that they can attend a wedding just fine. Also, I doubt you really care whether they will feel comfortable with your "real friends" and are more concerned that your "real friends" will think they are weird and "tedious" and that will somehow be reflected on you for inviting them.

    Ultimately, it's your wedding so you can do whatever you want. If you want to send the guy a facebook message (I imagine that would be the method of communication you would use) telling him that even though you've never been "real friends" the virtual unfriending committed by his wife has prompted you to uninvite them to your wedding, go for it.

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  16. I agree. You can't un-invite people. Yes, it is super lame that this woman unfriended you, but whatever, you've got more interesting positive things to focus on. Make this your mantra - just let the things that don't matter slide off your back. And...isn't it fabulous revenge in a way to be entirely oblivious (because you've got your life and happiness) that you haven't even noticed that she unfriended you? That's probably what she's thinking anyways...and probably feeling jealous since she's loaded down with mommy duties!

    Keep your sense of humor about it. Something to laugh about with other friends!

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  17. Are you sure she actually unfriended you and didn't just totally delete her facebook?

    If she actually unfriended you, I'd give her the opportunity to awkwardly explain herself and then proceed from there.

    I'm not all for just uninviting people over defriending on facebook, but I would understand not wanting to pay for someone who doesn't want to continue their friendship with you to be at your wedding.

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    1. This is what I was waiting for someone to say because I was too lazy to comment but I'm caving in order to add on...sometimes people get hackers and viruses and they have to do strange things with their facebook. Most people don't just arbitrarily defriend people when they are planning on attending their wedding. I suspect that she probably had a situation where something happened with her account. It is definitely time to get over the adolescent "I am the center of every situation and why did she do this to ME" mentality, especially if you're trying to get married. Oftentimes, things are not as personal as we believe.

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    2. Her account is still there but I guess that could be a new one. Who knows. Ya, maybe I was being self centred. Its probably not about me, or the other 3 mutual friends she isn't fb friends with anymore. Reality check received loud and clear. Anyway, it doesn't change the fact that I am nervous about these super vocal vegans coming to our wedding to rub shoulders with my cattle farming relatives. I left out a lot of details about the situation I guess...

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  18. They just had a newborn but baby will be a year by the time of the actual wedding? How early did you send out your invites??? That may be your first issue right there...

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    1. Maybe... I dunno. I've never done this before. I guess I used the term newborn loosely. I don't actually know how old a baby has to be before its no longer new.

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  19. YOUR DRESS IS SO KILLER!!! I agree with ESB. And who knows, maybe these people will become better friends down the road and your wedding will be a turning point...the jolt that was needed in order to propel your friendship to the next step?

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  20. Totally not on point, but I'd just like to say that there really aren't enough blogs that are prepared to use the phrase "dud baby". There should be more of them.

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  21. Ha! Vegan vs. Cattle Farmers...just think of it as a potentially "colorful" conversation. My husband and I have a lot of lawyer relatives, and I was mildly concerned about the meeting of all these lawyers - three conservative Texas lawyers and three super liberal San Fran lawyers (I mean how opposite is that?!?) getting together and doing what they do best - argue and "be right." Nah...don't think they even exchanged a word! Seriously, don't even worry about it! It's not your job at YOUR wedding to have to play mediator if they do get to talking and exchanging differing opinions. They are adults. And everyone is allowed to have their own stance.

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