Friday, August 27, 2010
Can a marriage be happy without sex?
Dear East Side Bride
This is kind of weird because I don't know you and reaching out to someone I've never met IRL for advice is just plain crazy talk. But I am kind of desperate and you seem like someone who could give it to me straight... I need someone to give it to me straight right now.
I'm married. We hit the 3 year mark last week. The problem is that I am constantly disappointed by my husband. When I fell in love with my husband back in 2001 (!) he was energetic, idealistic, and passionate about many things. He had confidence like no other. I fell in love hard. The sex was good. We did it in cars, in the dorm, once in the bathroom of a hostel (horny twenty-year-olds don't really care about germs).
Over time he became reserved, socially awkward, and seemed to absorb my likes, dislikes etc. He seemed to lose his personality. Slowly, the sex disappeared. We had sex maybe 10 times a year during our mid-twenties. I always initiated and he always rejected.
When we got married things seemed to be good for the first year when his libido seemed to spike, but now, 3 years later, we have sex only once or twice a year. Sometimes he doesn't even finish. He always has excuses and blames his not wanting it on me. I always do something wrong; I pissed him off last week or this week; I said something mean yesterday; we have a "bad" relationship therefore how can I expect to have sex under such conditions. I feel like am being punished and worse I feel like I am begging my husband to make love to me. I don't want to come off as obnoxious but I think I am attractive and I take of myself. I think other men would love to have sex with me. Just not my husband.
On top of that I feel like a married a boy. He doesn't help in the housework, errands, cooking etc. I do all of the work around here. And he is inconsiderate. For his thirtieth I took him to a Yankees game and set up a romantic BBQ on our roof garden. I even considered giving him a birthday BJ - but didn't even bother because he would say no. For my thirtieth birthday (2 weeks a go) I got a coat from the gap... which he bought that day. I turned 30! for christs sake.
I know his behavior is largely due to his depression (he has been seeing someone for over a year and we have been in counseling for a year too). But it's been two years of this, When is enough enough? He always promises to have sex with me and then doesn't. I said he had to man-up and start pitching in on the housework etc. and he said fine but he wasn't going to be forced in to sex and he just didn't want to do it at this time. Maybe in the future. I love him and I see him as my soul mate. I want to spend my life with him but I wonder how important is sex in a marriage? I feel shallow for considering leaving him over not having sex. Its just I feel like a failed as a: wife, woman, and partner. Can a marriage be happy without sex? Have you seen eat pray love? I am as desperate as Julia Roberts is in the opening seen where she is praying to God. But I need real answers, ESB. What do you think?
I hope to hear from you soon- or hear from your readers- with love,
- Desperately seeking something
Enough is enough RIGHT NOW.
Obviously, sex is important to you. There's nothing wrong with that. (Sex is important to me!) But you're not leaving your husband because he won't fuck you. You're leaving him because he's an asshole. He doesn't do housework, he doesn't give a shit about your birthday, he is punishing you for his own unhappiness.
You're 30 now. When you wake up tomorrow you'll be 37... You only get one life. You know what I'm saying?
Love love love
(Photo by Tom Beard for Vice Fashion via Vain and Vapid)