Monday, April 1, 2013

What do I wear to an Indian wedding?


Dear ESB,

What do I wear to an Indian wedding? (I'm white if you haven't figured it out.)

I'm accompanying my man to this wedding in May. The couple is interracial (Chinese and Indian) and there will actually be three events across two days. Also, do I need to have a second outfit for the second day? Oh by the way, did I tell you that my man is Indian-American, is close friends with the groom, and is actually in the wedding?! When I appealed to him for help, he assured me that whatever I wore would be fine.

Because it is an interracial wedding, I'm sure there will be people from several different backgrounds attending. I'm comfortable wearing almost anything but I have no idea what's appropriate and I'd hesitate to wear something that felt like a costume. Mostly I would like to fit in with the general color, mood, and modesty level.

*****

When I put out the APB on twitter, Anna immediately volunteered to write this one. (My readers rule. What else can I say??)

So let me start out by saying I'm not Indian, but I had a sorta-Indian wedding and have been to several of them as a guest. The first one I ever went to was back in the fall of 2009, when I traveled to San Francisco for my now-husband's cousin's wedding (the first time I'd met his extended family). My then-boyfriend's sister had excitedly told me I should wear a sari, and that her parents would bring a few of hers from their house in Los Angeles, but it made me incredibly nervous—I'd never worn one—so I packed a dress just in case. This sounds ridiculous in retrospect, but the dress I packed was actually my prom dress. It was really pretty and not prommy, though, and it would have been a really good option (elegant, colorful, long enough). But I'm so glad I didn't go with it.

My now-sister-in-law helped me pick out a bright lime green sari and, with the help of a jillion safety pins and some very tightly-tied drawstrings, got me into it. And let me tell you, I honestly had never felt more beautiful. I don't care what kind of schlub you are; if you put on a sari, you look gorgeous. I was a little self conscious that my tum was sort of hanging out, and I was worried about, like, being able to pee without having to take the whole thing off, but it worked out so well. And I think it helped make a good impression on his family—that I was willing to put myself out there and try something new, and that I was obviously really happy and excited to be giving this part of their culture a shot, etc. Also, peeing was way less hard than I expected. Good stuff.

So I'd say, if one of your guy's Indian lady-friends (or a sister or cousin or someone) has a sari you can borrow—and, importantly, if you know that someone will be around on the day of to help you get yourself into it—then go for it. You'll look awesome, not at all out of place, and I am certain you won't feel like you're wearing a costume. The other thing you could do would be to buy (or rent: Borrow it Bindaas has really pretty stuff and is like Rent the Runway for Indian garb) a lehenga or salwar kameez—they're just as pretty but require way less skill in terms of assembly/draping. And pile on the bangles.



But if you're just too anxious about all that, you shouldn't feel weird at all wearing your normal stuff to the wedding, especially since it's almost certain there will be guests from lots of different backgrounds there. Out of respect for older family members, I'd suggest avoiding anything too short or low-cut (if you really want to play it safe, don't do strapless or super-skimpy straps, either). Bright colors are always good. And I would bet that most people will have a different outfit for the second day; remember that the focus is very much on the couple and not on the guests' outfits, but if you want to feel uber-prepared, you might want to have a costume change ready, too.

Most of all, don't worry too much about it. Have fun and dance your butt off.

p.s. Unrelated but is this not the best DIY ever??


Anna bought plastic animals online and spray-painted them gold. SUCK IT, BHLDN

(Photos by Oh, Darling! See more over here)

30 comments:

  1. My only regret about a good friend's Indian wedding is that I turned down the opportunity to wear a sari.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sari is a great idea as long as there would be someone to help you in draping it on the day. That is the most important thing! There is nothing worse than wearing a sari in a sloppy manner! If you want to go the Indian route, a simpler way is to get a suit-salwar. They are perfect & super easy to wear. Look for 'Anarkali' style..They look so regal! Also, I agree with Anna you could just go with your normal western stuff. Go with a bright color, add some nice( read big) jewelry and keep it modest with the length & cuts! & a flower in the hair would not hurt.. Hope you have a good time at the wedding.:)
    P.S. - I am Indian, so I know the stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i have not been to an indian wedding, but you know how (rachel and) i feel about spray painting.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like this collection, especially that cobalt number, which I originally spotted over here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. for an Indian wedding? i dunno, i think you'd come off like a dumb white girl in a baggy dress.

      Delete
    2. The orange one over leggings is a much better bet by Indian modesty standards.

      Delete
  5. YES. oh my god, the golden animals are incredible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might make some just to have around the house.

      Delete
    2. Yep. They make pretty fun fridge magnets, especially if you cut them in half and have a head and legs magnet and a butt and tail magnet.

      Delete
    3. Ahh, I am the least DIY-ey person ever, but they turned out so flipping cute. They were also a HIT at the wedding -- not one of them got left behind. I want to try the fridge magnet thing!

      Delete
  6. I like any post where we tell BHLDN to suck it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I bought a salwar kameez to wear to a good friend's wedding last year. I took an Indian friend along to the store to help me (there are different levels of formality and I was a bit overwhelmed by all the choices), but I imagine if you were to go that route the shop staff would be happy to help you (and you can get it tailored exactly to your shape). If you look at a site like Utsav (utsavfashion.com) you can get a sense of what Indian wedding guest fashion is like and go from there.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I also wore a bright yellow salwar kameez borrowed from a friend to a (different friend's) Indian wedding, and it worked out great. It wasn't nearly as dressy as the saris the Indian ladies (and some of the non-Indian guests) were wearing, but it was comfortable and fit in with the general festive colors. I'm going to another Indian wedding this June, though, and might consider investing in a sari, because... pretty!

    ReplyDelete
  9. All of this is making me really want to go to an Indian wedding... (No help at all. Just saying.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. oops, i tried to fix a typo in my prior comment and ended up deleting it. here goes again. So i (non-indian) just got married to my indian-american man, in india, and i can say with total certainty that there is no one standard for indian (or sort of indian) weddings.

    i agree with what anna has said. i would just add - the best way to find out the vibe of the particular wedding you're going to is to ask the people getting married. I know it feels annoying but they are in the best position to tell you what will be appropriate for their event. for instance, it was important to me that all my friends coming to my wedding wore sari's for the wedding ceremony, so i took them sari shopping in queens (it helps being near a south asian community hub) before we went to india so that they would have something to wear. they all ended up buying saris and salwar kameez in india too, but they found occasions to wear them all since our wedding was spread over 3 days of events.

    also, there is an amazing online consignment shop that you could check out: http://www.didiswardrobe.com ... the photos aren't high quality but these are really lovely pieces from all over india - a lot more interesting/intricate/affordable than what I've seen in indian shops in the US.

    ReplyDelete
  12. oh and peeing in sari's is easy if you grab the petticoat (very bottom layer) and tuck it under your chin. all the other layers will just get scooped up like in a basket.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. emmaclaire, i have yet to have occasion to pee in a sari, but when i do i will salute you. wedding tip of the month.

      Delete
  13. I (non-Indian) would also recommend wearing a sari. I wore a sari and a lehenga to an Indian wedding (which was a 3 day event) and the couple and their relatives were so appreciative of the effort.

    My friend, who wore a 'normal' dress, noted that she felt out of place (as all the guests but 2 people wore saris) and felt like she couldn't really get into the Bollywood dancing (which is super fun!).

    I also recommend getting someone to drape it for you though, otherwise it will feel like it's falling apart every time you exhale/walk/eat. Oh, and pile on the earrings and bangles!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Go for a sari, like lots of people have already said. You'll feel gorgeous. However, try to make sure you get your sari's blouse tailored perfectly well in advance. A beautiful sari with an ill fitting blouse is just wrong. (Like in Rachel getting married, ugh. Terrible terrible blouses.)

    I'd say go for a sari for one of the days and a salwar kameez for the other. With colourful bangles.

    (Indian from India here, hullo!)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Definitely bright colours but if the bride's family is Chinese maybe stay away from red. Also, I would now like a reason to purchase a sari.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why stay away from red? I thought red was traditionally symbolic of happiness in China. A recent chinese wedding that I filmed had all red flowers and decor.

      Delete
    2. If they're incorporating both cultural traditions then I think the bride is supposed to wear red. I was once told it's like wearing white to a Western wedding.

      Delete
  16. I'm the OP. Thanks, Anna, for your tips and thanks everyone else for your input. I'm now feeling confident (and excited!) about shopping for a sari. I was looking at the Ustav Fashion website and they have something called a "faux sari." Would that be more manageable for a Western or is it just tacky?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! I can't find what you're talking about on their site but I'm guessing this means it's pre-pleated (and the pleats are sewn together) so you don't have to do any of the wrapping/draping yourself. If that's the case I think it could be a good option, although slightly risky if you're buying it online since it really should be tailored to your body. If you're near any kind of South Asian neighborhood and can go shopping there, plenty of places will actually do this for you if you ask when you're buying your sari, and they'll be able to customize it to your measurements.

      That said, I've never tried it and I think the lehenga or salwar route might be less risky. ALSO I tweeted this link out and heard from another Rent-the-Runway-like place that has really pretty stuff -- luxemi.com. Worth a browse!

      Delete
  17. As the non-indian bride of my upcoming multi-cultural wedding, I would recommend asking the couple if you still have any doubt. I'm only wearing a sari for the hindu ceremony and planning on wearing western clothing for the christian ceremony and then rocking my gown for the rest of the reception. My guests will probably be wearing western clothing. Some guests and family members on the grooms side will be wearing indian clothing. Since there are multiple cultures at play, clothing will be a bit more fluid.
    Since I'm having a second reception a few months later, I've been considering renting from Borrow it Bindaas or visiting Jackson Heights (in queens) for a lehenga choli if we don't get something from extended family in Kolkata.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi All, thank for suggesting Borrow it Bindaas! We at Borrow it Bindaas will personally help select and choose which colors to wear and not to wear and what styles will suit you! If you've ever wanted to wear a sari, this is your chance without overspending+we'll custom tailor to your size & send you draping instructions too! Please contact us at help@borrowitbindaas.com and we would be happy to help!

    ReplyDelete
  19. devi's closet (www.deviscloset.com) has beautiful sarees with an amazing crew of stylists. I have used their services 4 times now and had the pieces sent directly to the wedding destination: puerto Rico, Texas, San Fran and Chicago! I have another wedding in Mexico as well and they are willing to ship internationally. Email them and they are super helpful.

    Kate

    ReplyDelete
  20. Another option if you want to go the non Indian route is a western dress over leggings. It will give you an Anarkali suit look, and works better than tights in case you need to take your shoes off. If you care what the older Indian family think, the neck line needs to be really high in front, but not in back and I've been told short sleeves are considered more formal than none. The rules and fashion do vary by family, and sub culture, so ask if you can.

    ReplyDelete