BEST WEDDING PRESENT EVAR

For your cool weirdy friends who couldn't be bothered to register.........

Enameled metal cups + plates featuring images from Maurizio Cattelan + Pierpaolo Ferrari/TOILETPAPER magazine ($20-22 each at MoMA).




I kinda want to buy us a set just for camping.

NOTE TO SELF: GO CAMPING

the universe owes me shoes

Dear Slightly Buzzed Fairy Godmother,

I'm getting hitched. And it blew up in my face. I wanted 75 people -- we're pushing 200. I wanted a backyard BBQ -- we're having a formal sit down dinner. I wanted to get married in the evening to beat the summer heat -- we'll be saying our vows at 3pm. I wanted a lot of things that aren't panning out -- such is life. It's easy to blame everyone else, but the truth is, while if I could go back and do it again -- I would have fought a lot hard for what I wanted. ​I didn't though, and this is how it is... and I'm going to suck it up. Everyone else being happy will make me happy. 

However, shoes. I feel like the universe owes me a fucking awesome pair of shoes for the amount of shit I've put up for the last year. I'm low maintenance. I have my standard items and stick by them. And I live in Vans -- which I plan on changing into when dancing starts. But I want a pair of killer floral heels for my most put together day.

I'm in love with these [pictured above]. In my mind, they're as perfect as a floral print gets. But I ordered them and just seriously too high- 6 inches. I can walk in them but I'm worried I'll break my ankle before the day is over. Could you help me find something similar? Preferable a floral print with a chunky heel. 

Thanks so much!  

*****

Those look like hooker shoes, sorta. Teenybopper hooker shoes.

I much prefer these Marais wedges.........................................

Is the liberty print too cutesy?


(You could always go with fancy Vans instead.)

Bangable hair

Hey ESB,

I am in the process of ending a relationship. It was great, until I realized he's a total player and the connection I thought we had was really just my imagination. The sex was amazing, but I have learned the hard way that physical chemistry can be deceptive. Just because his hands knew just how to touch me, his arms just how to squeeze me hello, and his huge dick how to give me multiple orgasms doesn't mean it was done with care. It just means he knows the right moves. And he's using them on a handful of other girls on the nights I'm not with him.

I have long hair (below boob length), which I know is a turn on for most guys, and especially for this dude. He made me feel so potent and sexy, and I think I kept it long for that reason. I've been wanting to cut my hair since before I met him. It seems like now is the time to go for the messy, dirty, I don't give a fuck bob I've been craving. But I hate to admit... part of me worries about not being bangable with short hair.

I know I need to "own it" and that confidence is sexy, but come on, confidence is fickle. I also know hair grows back, but that always takes forever. What if I cut my hair short and look like Lena Dunham on a bad day (but without her sense of humor)? What if I look like a soccer mom? Why do I feel tied to some male expectation of sexy?

I am so ready for a change. Help convince me to say fuck it and just do it. And if you have any other tips, I welcome them with open arms.

*****

Start off slow. You don't have to get a shaved-up-the-back-of-your-neck bob. You can get a messy, sexy, Alexa Chung bob. A Karlie Kloss for Iro bob (see above). A fuck-it, bed-head-y whoever-this-is bob. (Be sure to bring photos to your stylist.)

But do it! Cut it! Cut your hair!

Cut it just to prove to yourself that you are damn sexy with WHATEVER HAIR YOU PLEASE

1. Cut your hair.

2. Buy a killer pair of jeans.

3. Go read The New Yorker at a hotel bar and allow some lonely gentleman to buy you a martini.

4. Go home alone, feeling smug.

4a. Or not! Get on tinder and find yourself some strange!

Great, now I want a bob. (Alexis, are you reading? Should we give me #3?)

Photo: Claudia Knoepfel and Stefan Indlekofer

Lanvin but cheaper ?

Hi ESB,

I am in love with this Lanvin gown but need to find something cheaper ($2,000) or less. My favorite part is the back - but I also like how the front is not-fussy.

The closest alternative that I have found is this Zien gown...but it is custom made in Poland...and I don't think I can justify hopping on a plane.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

*****

not a clue.

ladies?

(i clearly need some sort of bot that feeds your emails straight onto the blog)

(since i'm too busy doing god-knows-what)

ISO: Studio 54 style for an Indiana wedding

Hi ESB and readers,

I need help.

I'm going to a wedding this fall in my Indiana hometown. I have been living out of the country for years, and am really excited to see old friends in person. I just don't know what to wear.

You guys are so talented. Could you please help me find something? I love the Studio 54 style and am also a fan of Saint Laurent Paris. Typically I like leather and sequins, but I don't want to be too flashy.

I'm also 5'2'', blonde, thin and flat. There is no price range.

Thank you so much!!!

*****

No boobs + NO BUDGET??

You're punking me, aren't you.



Image courtesy of Matches Fashion (Saint Laurent gold lamé jobber still avail at net-a-porter)

WE ARE THE BEST!

GO SEE THIS MOVIE, YOU GUYS!

Set in Stockholm in 1982 and shot in Swedish, We Are the Best! is director Lukas Moodysson's adaptation of his wife's graphic novel about three aspiring punk rock girls. (Allow me to clarify: these girls are aspiring to be in a punk band. They are already punk as fuck.)

I have to admit, I was relieved when I read the NY Times review this morning and learned that Moodysson has been making movies for 15+ years. We Are the Best! feels like a first film, in that it's rough and exuberant and utterly connected to the material, but the acting is so good--his leads were aged 11, 13 and 14 when they shot the film--that I started kicking myself in my seat, thinking "How did he get those performances??"

We Are the Best! opens this Friday in Montreal, New York, Toronto, Vancouver and West Los Angeles, then rolls out to more cities throughout June + July.

Absolutely appropriate for tween audiences, if you don't mind a fuck or two. (Which, if you mind that, what are you doing here?) Be the cool aunt and bring your ten-year-old niece. It'll blow her mind.

Seeking: the perfect black maxi

Hey girl hey,

So I need your powerful army of internet diggers to find the perfect black maxi. One that you can wear to A N Y T H I N G. The sandy hot beach that you'll never get to because you live in SF and it's so expensive so how can you go on vacation, with a cardigan so you can wear it to work, to a fancy dinner, and maybe occasionally it's a nightgown. You know what I mean? I'm talking about a wardrobe workhorse, here. Preferably something that your gigantic boobs can handle. No spaghetti straps, sil vous plait.

Soooooooooooo? Am I asking too much?

Love ever,
hbomb

*****

You're making ME want this perfect black maxi, and I haven't worn a maxi since, like, 1998?

I have a couple of rules to add: Must be hand-washable and made of breathable fabric (i.e. NO FUCKING POLYESTER)



SHOP AWAY MY SHOPPING ELVES

we're counting on you.












Image: Apiece Apart FW 2013

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p.s. unrelated: this is the best thing on the internet

check out the bride in Helmut Lang

All you DOUBTERS may feel free to admit you were wrong.

(Photos by Winnie Au for Refinery 29)

Seeking: "Vegan" Bridesmaids dress

Hi ESB,

I never saw myself as a person who would read a wedding blog, but I keep coming back for the snark and pretty pictures! Now I'm hoping you/your readers might be able to help me dress myself for a wedding I'm going to be in at the end of July.

The bride is my college roommate, and the wedding is going to be a super crunchy/sustainable/all-vegan-menu affair. The bridesmaids have been asked to wear knee-length green dresses (generally in this color family). I would prefer not to wear one of the lighter shades. I think we have some flexibility with the color, but that's the general idea.

I'm 5'4", small-chested, athletic build, maybe a pear shape but I've never really thought of myself relative to fruit shapes, and looking to spend less than $200 (unless something amazing that I will want to reuse comes along). I've been trying to poke around online since I am in grad school exams period, but I would love some guidance about specific dresses or stores I should check out. Any help from you or your readers would be so appreciated!

Thank you thank you!

*****

a) There is a color called "Vegan"????!?!

b) THERE IS A COLOR CALLED VEGAN

c) Did she just pick that fucking color because it's called vegan?

Let's be real, it's hard enough to find a green dress. I wouldn't sweat the shade of green.

Although.... This silk jobber from Madewell, which they call "Hemingway" and I would call "Forest" is pretty fucking close to the Sherwin-Williams "Derbyshire."

I am a shopping genius.

(Are you allowed to wear fabric that's not vegan?)

pre-heartache

Hi ESB and readers,

I was wondering where to get some advice about this when I re-read "Heartache" from April 21. I don't want to turn your blog into a giant hole of darkness but I can't think of anyone better than you guys to turn to. 

Out of the blue, my mom has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. She has not been ill in any way so my entire family is reeling. I'm getting married in September and I just don't know how to deal with the wedding itself or all the planning. It feels like I will just be bawling my eyes out the whole time and everyone else will too. 

How can a wedding be fun when it's the worst time of my entire life? How do I do this? How can I think about my future when she might not be in it?

A.


p.s. Please follow this up with a super divisive fashion post, I need the positive energy.

******

Oh, lady. I am so so sorry.

Postpone the wedding.* You shouldn't have to worry about it right now, and you may not want to worry about it for a good long while. Please give yourself all the time you need.

<3





Lida Fox by Stian Foss for Jalouse May 2014 via visual optimism
______________________________

*I almost opened with "This may be THE WORST POSSIBLE ADVICE, but...." I really should have opened with that. Wtf do I know about cancer?! (See comments from far wiser readers below)

someone got married in that temperley dress!

too bad the groom's ensemble is blinding.
but the hair/lipstick situation is pretty satisfactory.

-- says an anonymous reader

I say, WHY NOT LET THE GROOM STEAL A LITTLE THUNDER? That suit fits him peeeurfectly.

In other news.... I am alive. Just got back from Atlanta + NYC. Ate too many potato products, drank too much coffee and toooooo many cocktails, tried on a pair of Birkenstocks and concluded that they are not for me.

Also: I may finally be a skinny jeans convert. More on that later.

(Photos by Jessica Peterson via The House That Lars Built)


p.s. There's a fresh MMOHIAC for you over here.

heartache.

I'm not entirely certain what i'm asking, except perhaps, for some insight from those who've felt what I feel daily: heartache.  

Dear readers, I'm planning my wedding to a dear old friend and my beloved dad won't be there with me. He died last May and I have no idea how to be in the world without him. His presence by my side at my wedding was a given. My clearest vision of my wedding when I was growing up was that he would escort me into this new place, this new beginning. I was going to stand on his feet and dance to "Brown Eyed Girl" with him just like we did when I was small. But he's gone and it was unexpected. 

How do I do it? How do I, the most pure embodiment of him, walk myself down the aisle knowing that he'll never be able to give his blessing? How to I embrace this new beginning without my beginning there to guide me?

I'm at a loss. I need the sage wisdom of those who have lived what I'm living everyday.

Your words are gold to me. 

*****

I brought in an expert. Whitney emailed me last April, struggling with how to acknowledge her dad at her wedding, and I semi-flubbed my response. But the esb readers, especially those who had gone through what she was going through, had v. helpful things to say.

One year later, here's Whitney's advice for you:


There is nothing that I can say that will ease your pain. It is a gut-wrenching absence. But these are some things that helped me make it through the day without losing my shit.

Catharsis.

Planning a wedding was great for keeping me busy and distracting me from my grief. This also meant I was bottling up a lot of emotion that typically exploded anytime I heard a song that reminded me of my dad. I had a pretty big break-down the day before my wedding. It was wedding-stress related, not specifically about my dad, but considering how disproportionate it was, had everything to do with his absence. In retrospect, I think it helped me keep it together the next day. Maybe a couple of days before your wedding you could watch a favorite movie of his? Write him a letter? Let it all out.

Skip Father/Daughter stuff.

This is probably kind of obvious. I walked down the aisle with my husband. We did a first dance together, but no other traditional wedding dances. I felt that even if we skipped straight to something like the “Anniversary Dance” it would only highlight the absence of the father/bride and mother/groom dances.

Find some way to honor him.

ESB readers offered heaps of great suggestions on various ways to do this. It helped to have a designated moment where I felt it was appropriate to lose it. I actually didn’t lose it nearly as badly as I thought I would.

Be present.

Focus on your amazing friends, family, and you know, the whole getting-married-business. (This is helpful advice for any bride, really. It all happens so fast, it’s overwhelming.) It was so magical to have friends and family from all over the world be in one space, supporting us in our new life together, that I really couldn’t help but be completely full of joy. Of course there were occasional pangs of “I really wish he was here!” but it is possible to just breathe, and be grateful for everyone who is there.

It is ok to lose it.

This may be some of the best advice I received. I think just having permission made it possible to not lose it. People cry at weddings! I cried happy tears, I cried sad tears. I had the most amazing day of my life.

It’s been a year and a half since my dad died and it’s still so painful. There are so many triggers. Roy Orbison. Western films. Hatch green chiles. And I’m a hot mess at the father/daughter dance of every wedding I’ve been to since. But I made it through my wedding day, and you will too. 

Like you said, you are the pure embodiment of him. He is part of you. He is still guiding you in this new beginning, through all that he taught you.

Love and hugs,
Whitney


(So much love to you both)




Photos by Tinca Veerman via The Jealous Curator

UH OH OPALS

Remember that time I said opals are fugg ??

Am now eating my words BIG TIME.

Go shop the new WWAKE collection over at Catbird.

Seeking: Wedding Sundress (must be pretty but not cute)

Hey ESB,

My future SIL is planning a Guatemalan fiesta wedding for the July 4 weekend, and we're having difficulty finding the "pretty sundress" she's dreaming of. She lives in Brooklyn, and is the performance artist/dancer that wants something to be barefoot and move around (and subsequently sweat appropriately) in.

Would love your ideas - needing sundressy but NOT cute OR adorable. Under $600

*****

Mkay................. This is a leeetle over budget, but ISABEL MARANT

Put a big white flower or two in her hair and you're done.



(More sizes over here. Also available in black)

Big rack, sheer tee

Hi there,

I know you are a destroyed-t shirt aficionado, and I know you have access to wise women with big racks. I just moved from San Francisco (no summer) to Oakland (full summer), and am buying my first t-shirt wardrobe. I lean towards sheer, destroyed and/or drapey. 

I am a 32DD, and all of my bras are dorky (purchased two Christmases ago when my mom took me shopping at a Soma outlet, tbh). Nothing looks cool showing under sheer or off-the-shoulder shirts. I wish I could wear a fancy bandeau or bralette thing like the kids wear, but I need an underwire, and I am not 17. Can you help?? Someone tell me where to look and what to buy. 

Thank you for your assistance!
xo

*****

I've been wearing the shit out of this sports bra I bought at Target. Good for verrrry sheer tees or also when you just can't be bothered to wear underwire.

For a slightly-less-sheer tee that needs a shaplier boob, go with a plain black t-shirt bra. Chantelle is pricy but worth it (thank you, Celia!).

I *do not* recommend a lace bra under a sheer tee. We'll leave that to the a + b cups.
______________________________

Raquel Allegra Crochet Tie Dye Stripe Tee (sigh) from Heist

8 million flower petals

You know someone is going to have to have this for her wedding.

Photos by Nick Meek via designboom via Lost At E Minor via Madewell

Bona Drag Does Weddings (Again!)

Bona Drag just launched the long-awaited (were you awaiting? I was awaiting) second installment of their ceremonial collection.

I smell a new it dress. I'm just not sure which one it is.

Pictured above: Mara Hoffman Coiled Snake Gown ($1400), Lindsey Thornburg Courtney Love Gown (made in NYC, $1400), With Hearts In My Eyes Lace Bias Cut Gown (handmade in Milwaukee! $450) + The Sway Byron Cropped Leather Jacket ($460)

Check out the whole collection, then shop here.

This one didn't make the cut

Partly because it's 100% poly and partly because I AM SO SICK OF CUT-OUTS WHO DOES THAT LOOK GOOD ON

But let's all stare at the model's enormous head for a second. Creepy and yet mesmerizing, no?





K scuse me while I disappear for a few days and go shoot a movie

And the winners are....

Vine Dress from The Reformation (100% viscose -- sooooo much more breathable than poly -- $218)

Helmut Lang Jaquard Mini Dress from The Outnet (deemed not formal enough and also it's 44% poly but still worth an honorable mention, $210)

Saloni Ella Gown from Barneys Warehouse (Silk jersey! $179)

See all of the many evening-wear-under-$200-for-a-Mexican-wedding suggestions over here
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ps you guys RULE

URGENT SHOPPING CHALLENGE: Can formal be fun?

Dear ESB,

I will be attending a wedding in Mexico the first week of April. The invitation says something that translates to "evening attire" and this side of the family is known for going a little over the top. I do not see this side of my family very often and I do not want to look like a clueless American. While I can dress myself for any other occasion this one is giving me nightmares. 

I have a small budget due to travel expenses ($200) and I am looking for something that will pass as evening wear while having something of an edge i.e.: not a lace gown like all my aunts will be wearing. 

If you have any advice for me at all please help. 

*****

AAAAAAAAAAH SUCH A GOOD ONE

I'm beyond excited for you guys to shop this. Maybe I'll throw up some of my favorite suggestions and we can take a vote??




Photo by Zachary Gray for Pennyweight (shop the Celine dress here)

______________________________

p.s. There's a Monday morning MMOHIAC for you over here.