Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dear ESB (BROUGHT TO YOU BY TWITTER!): Do I have to invite the nanny?


@tweetiebride dear esb: my fh's boss wants to bring her nanny to our wedding!

@eastsidebride did you tell her she could bring her kids?

@tweetiebride yes of course but doesn't it seem a tad crazy?

@eastsidebride totally crazy. lady wants her kids to hang out with the nanny she should leave them at home.

@tweetiebride her kids are in the party. Does that make it right?

@eastsidebride no.

@eastsidebride but you might want to let her bring the damn nanny just to keep the peace.

@eastsidebride maybe she wants to have a *good time* at your wedding

(Image via FFFFOUND! with thanks to The Flashdance)

18 comments:

  1. plus side...the nanny can also keep those whippersnappers in line.

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  2. I say make her watch alllll the kids. She's a professional, after all. (that is totally crazy though)

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  3. Crazy! Lady can't watch her kids on her own for six hours? Two of which they will be watched by EVERYONE THERE? The rest of which they will be doted upon by EVERYONE THERE? She shouldn't have asked but I think you can't say no.

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  4. On the one hand it's obviously bad form to be inviting extra guests to a closed event; but looked at in another light she's paying for extra staff to help, and it's a very pragmatic way to ensure everyone has a good time. Which is sort of meant to be the name of the game, no?

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  5. is she expecting you to pay for the nanny's meal? if she wants to bring her nanny to watch her kids she should also pay for the nanny's meal. IMHO.

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  6. I personally think she should watch her own kids and enjoy the time spent with them. Children are a blessing and should not be constantly pawned off on someone else. If behavior issues are the problem maybe they should not be at the wedding and stay home with the nanny. Just my thoughts.

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  7. @Claire, I think the bride said the kids are part of the wedding party, so they can't be left at home.

    I'm not sure if a nanny is entirely necessary, since (in my experience) there is communal watching of children at weddings. But some people don't know how to get along without them, so it might be worth giving in to keep the peace, as esb said.

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  8. bearing in mind that i'm at the far end of the enjoying-your-bundles-of-joy-at-formal-events spectrum, "communal watching of children at weddings" translates to "we assume every other guest is interested in and/or charmed by dealing with loose children galloping around for hours and hours." of course, some children are much better-behaved than that, but many are not, particularly when their parents are more interested in canapes and an open bar than in them - and either way, making childcare a group task without the prior consent of 99% of the group is total crap. i think kids are lovely, and i can think of few things i enjoy less than dealing with them at weddings. we attend weddings to celebrate a particular couple, not to amuse random children.

    this bride is including kids in her ceremony (kids whose parents are apparently uninterested in responsibility for them); for the sake of the people eating the other dinners she's buying, she should buy one more.

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  9. it is totally crazy. BUT whether or not the nanny is needed- (i have never been to a wedding where kids are a problem, i don't see kids at weddings interacting with guests as childcare quite like lauren does, but maybe i am aquatinted with particularly well behaved and adaptable children?) just let them bring her so you don't have to deal with the convo of saying no.

    if the cost of the meal is really truly an issue ask them to pay for it?

    if that is another conversation you are not willing to have, is it too early to tell a white lie (ie there is not an extra seat in the house, can't make any more changes?)

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  10. nanny. silly NOT to invite her really.

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  11. We had a similar situation with the mother of our best man's wife. Since this was the best man i.e. very very good friend we said sure bring the mother in law for the kid. I was a little annoyed but frankly he was such a huuge help all weekend and (not to be crass) got us such an awesome present that I'm super glad we didn't give him a hard time about it. Also glad his lovely wife had a break. We had a whole weekendful of events so that also was a factor.

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  12. I was a nanny for a family who many considered TOTALLY nuts. If she wants to bring the nanny, it probably means she has a hard time controlling them. I went to a few weddings with the family I nannied for and it always worked to the bride's advantage. I usually ended up watching everyone's kids/keeping them all happy and entertained. You're not going to change the way she is raising her children by not allowing her to bring the nanny, and they might be totally out of control without her.

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  13. I'm all over the nanny, especially if this chick is paying for her hours. Somehow the fact that the children are in the wedding party makes the request slightly less ballsy than it would be if they were coming as guests. In retrospect I wish we'd thought to have a babysitter at our reception to mind the kids (who were in our wedding party) so that my brothers and sisters-in-law could have a break. If I were to do it over again, I would have had a separate table for the kids with an adult supervising - they would have had more fun being together. It will cost you an extra plate for the nanny, but this will be slightly offset by the fact that caterers generally charge less for children's meals.

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  14. just to give you guys the nanny's perspective on this whole issue... i used to nanny for a family that would drag me around to all kinds of events/ parties to which i was not invited. my sole purpose at those parties was to tend to the needs of their three very rowdy, loud and energetic boys. it was often very humbling. i never wanted to go, and i did not consider myself to be an invited guest. i didn't expect to socialize, be entertained, or drink. i was always appreciative when the host graciously offered me a meal, but i knew it wasn't required. i sat at the children's table. in other words, i "knew my place" and did my best to make sure that my charges weren't disrupting or distracting from the main event.

    in my experience with families that rely heavily on their nanny, he or she is often the primary disciplinarian, and the parents don't have as much control or authority over the children. it may very well make the whole wedding run a lot smoother to have her there. (depending on the personalities of the kids, obviously it's different in every case)

    however,she should not be expected to care for any of the other children at the wedding or viewed as a general "babysitter" any more than another parent would be expected to watch or entertain children who aren't her own.

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  15. Ballsy? Yes. But she probably knows what her kids need (i.e. a dedicated care taker that will prevent them from dragging their fingers through the wedding cake or kicking people in the shins). If the kids weren't in the wedding party, I would say she should leave them at home, but that isn't an option. So the nanny sounds like a smart choice.

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  16. that photo is hot. i had to say it.

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  17. hi, i'm tweetiebride, kind of.
    the nanny in question is russian, and doesn't speak english so being a general caretaker is not really even an option. i don't really have an opportunity to be friendly or welcoming to her since the lady has to have her five year old charge translate anything that needs to be communicated to non-russian speakers.
    truth be told i wasn't super stoked about the kids being in the party but my fh liked the idea and i went along with it. after all, it is his day too (i'm told).
    she asked him if she could bring her and he was on the spot and had to agree so really i never had a choice in the matter without being a superbitch and it biting me(/us) in the ass later. i just had to share it with the internet, albeit anonymously and in a rather limited forum.

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