Friday, July 30, 2010

Dear ESB: I wish I had a Wedding Time Machine.

If I had a WTM, I would go back in time, and decidedly NOT ask my future sister-in-law to be my matron of honor, and I would NOT ask my future niece to be my flower girl. Then, we'd only have deal with bullshit from one member of the bridal party, my future brother-in-law, whom I know my fiance would still ask to be in the wedding, even if he had a WTM, because asshole or not, my future brother-in-law is still my fiance's only brother in the world, and even though he's being a jerk, his presence matters to my fiance.

If I had this magical WTM, I'd have had the wedding a year ago in Chicago, when we still lived there, instead of choosing to have it at my parents house in Ohio, because maybe then my parents wouldn't feel obligated to pay for the accommodations of my fiance's irresponsible parents, and equally irresponsible brother and sister-in-law.

Alternatively, I'd have used it to just go back a month ago, when his brother and sister-in-law sat us down and said they weren't sure they could even come to the wedding now, which is less than two months away, let alone be in it--and instead of offering to pay for their dress and tux, I'd have said, "That's ok; I understand." And then I wouldn't have to worry about it at all.

I'd definitely go back to three weeks ago, when I received a random email; a flight itinerary forwarded to me, no explanation, saying the best man and groom's parents weren't arriving until midnight the night before the wedding. And instead of being upset that the best man was missing the wedding rehearsal, and being pissed off at his parents for choosing THIS charming way of letting us know that my parents would need to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and getting them to switch it so they could all come in on time, I'd have realized the universe was doing me a favor, and let it all go.

Or maybe I'd just go back to April, when we moved to this wretched place. Instead of deciding we should get married in September, I'd opt to wait another year and start my planning early, so I could realize that deep down, I actually did want green and black as my colors, and not what we've chosen, that I didn't want my future sister-in-law and her daughter in the wedding, that my parents would take on a big burden, and his would let us down monumentally. Oh, and that I like peonies better than calla lillies, which are in season in the spring and not fall.

I would definitely go back and reconsider asking my parents to host the wedding at all, taking into consideration the fact that I have known them for 31 years now, and therefore should have known that nothing is ever easy with them; and then they wouldn't be spending all of this money to landscape and improve the property and house that I thought was just beautiful as it already was.

Actually, maybe we should have just eloped, and let my folks have a party for us back at home for our local friends and family like they originally suggested, and then we could have had a party here, in this wretched place, but at least gotten to use my grandmother's silver rimmed punch bowl, and my great grandmother's green cake stand.

F*ing hindsight. F*ing lack of a WTM.

Thanks. And let me know if you see a time machine on etsy.


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lady.

The good news is, very soon you will be MARRIED. And that's the only thing that really matters.

(Photo by Jason Bright via Fecal Face via TOBACCO&LEATHER)


  1. Glad it's not just me who is happily married but sometimes wishes for a WTM ... great post.

  2. sounds like there is still time to do things your way

  3. I think this is a really great set up for a secret wedding. Go marry your hunny bunny on your own, in your own way and don't tell a damn soul.

    Once the wedding weekend comes along, roll with the punches and smile to yourself knowing that it's NOT your day (it's theirs) and that you're already married, suckers.

    Do it.

  4. WHAT ANONYMOUS SAID! totally reminds me of "the office" wedding. :)

  5. *Hugs* Don't let those a**holes get you down.

    All the things I didn't love about my wedding (like my dad's only brother not showing up after making a huge deal about coming) don't matter now. I have a gorgeous picture of me and my hubby on our wedding day and we look *so damn happy*. I'm just replacing all the less-than-perfect moments in my memory with that one. By our first anniversary, only the good parts will still be real for me.

    Good luck!

  6. i totally agree with anonymous too!! do it do it!

  7. Dude. All of these brides who talk about their wedding being perfect did not have a "perfect" wedding. Shit goes wrong, people misbehave. You will still have a great time, just remember what it's all about. It's not too late to make it yours and STOP making concessions for everyone else.

    Tell everyone in your wedding party that you have decided not to have a wedding party at all, it'll be more personal with just the two of you up there anyway.

    Use cafe au lait dahlias and garden roses as a stand-in for peonies, make your rehearsal dinner a big, casual party for less $ and find the wildest corner of the yard and have your ceremony there.

  8. I have never been to a wedding that didn't have its share of drama or mishaps, but ya know what? 99% of the guests didn't even realize anything had happened, and the bride and groom never had to deal with any of it, because they had designated a really good friend (or relative) to be their "fireman". In other words, the second someone comes whining to you, you can tell them, "I'm the bride, I am not dealing with this. Please talk to so-and-so if you need something," and then direct them to your helpy-helper. Chances are the whiner will realize that they're being selfish or petty or anoyying and will just drop the issue altogether.

    You are not alone in this...weddings= TONS of decisions, and not every single decision you make is going to pan out how you hope. You can't control other people, but you CAN control how YOU react to them/the situation. It's frustrating as hell, but try to remember the important things here: you're marrying the love of your life, and wow, your parents are totally picking up the dropped balls and sounds like they really have your back and want to make your big day as special as possible for you guys, which is more than a lot of people can say! :)

  9. Wow, everyone, thank you so much. i appreciate all of your thoughts and insight!

  10. AMEN x 2.
    and ditto glaciercountyhoney. to the max.