This is "Anon 2:54" from the How do I know post. I figured what the hell, if nothing else I am at least typing this out, re-reading for proof and seeing how I feel once finished....
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have a beautiful child together. He is a wonderful dad and would do anything to make our daughter smile. We live in a nice apartment have decent things, always have food on the table...I shouldn't complain. However. (And please don't judge too harshly as I am going through some serious "beat my self up" moments.) From the minute we moved in together after we found out we were preggers, everything in our financial world became halved. Which, fine its cool, whatever. But our halves are so far from being equal that I barely had any money to get gas let alone anything else. After I had our daughter, I was out of work (obviously) and he KEPT TABS. Seriously. As in when the tax return money came in, he got it to make up for me not paying bills. Ugh that sounds so bad. But in my head, whatever it seemed fair.
Fast forward several years. I haven't finished college. Our daughter is about ready for preschool. Wedding is in 8 months. Things need to get paid for. I…don't have a lot to spend. My parents god bless them are paying for our wedding. I WANT my degree and we want to send the princess to a delightful private school. So, I ask him, can we split her school. "Sure." Haven't seen a dime. And this is how it always is. If I need something, it's on me. Anyone else, he had no problem handing it out. For 4 years, our daily grind has consisted of him working days, and me having daughter while he's at work, then going to work until 2:30 am. I get no f*cking sleep. My parents have gotten to the point where they are offering to let me move back in with them, help with daycare and let me work part time instead of full time so I can go back and finish school.
While my folks are offering this, they are also behind me if I choose to stay. (In the parental department, I am so blessed.) I have dealt with all of this for years and it has become a normal thing to me. THIS is where I am losing my shit. 3 weeks after he proposed, he suggested we cancel the wedding because he felt like we were roommates. 3 motherf*cking weeks. Apparently he said he felt this way for a while. Why did he propose you ask? Because that's what he thought I wanted. No joke. Que deflation. I spent the past four months reading "couples" books, getting advice from loved ones....whatever I needed to do to make him happy. He has since "changed his mind" and wants to continue with the marriage. Then, my friend called me and asked me "WHY are you doing this!?!" It clicked. I am wearing myself out for nothing. He has not gone out of his way once to make me feel better. I am still deflated. I love him, and he is not an asshole. But. I don't know if I can keep this up for the rest of my life. So, after all that...Do I need a vacation and I'm just overreacting? Or is this really bad and I'm just blind to it?
In need of a double Jack & Diet,
(Image via Amateur Couture. Does anyone know who took the photo?)