Friday, April 1, 2011

Do our wedding bands have to MATCH?


Hi hi ESB,

I have a question that's not veil or drama related.

I love my engagement ring. It's a white gold solitaire with a marquee cut diamond, and I love it. Now that we're getting closer to the wedding, the subject of wedding bands has caused some unease. My FH wants a plain yellow gold band, and isn't budging from that. I don't want my taste to make him wear a ring for the rest of his life that he doesn't at least like.

Do we have to match? Will people still know we're married to each other if we don't?* Is there a nice way to coordinate without my engagement ring and wedding band clashing? Or does it not matter at all and we should just tell our photographer to skip the three-rings-on-a-clever-background picture?

Thanks thanks!

______________________________

*there's an episode of House where he figured out an older couple weren't married to each other because their wedding rings didn't match.

*****

I'm a big fan of matching wedding bands. I think it's cool to see his-and-hers* rings on a pair of people that, you know, go together.

But do you HAVE TO match?
No.

Will people still know you're married to each other?  
I DON'T KNOW. Maybe you should wear name tags so it's perfectly clear to everyone at all times. "HELLO, I'm X's Wife."

If you coordinate the style of band, for example, if he gets a man-sized round band in yellow gold and you get a ladylike round band in white, I think they'll go together well enough.

(Classic Milla Round Band by Bario-Neal)
______________________________

*Or hers-and-hers. Or his-and-his. Obviously.

41 comments:

  1. Huh? I've never noticed if a couple's rings matched and don't think that it's an indicated of whether or not a couple "goes" together. I mean plenty of married men don't wear a ring but their wives do - does that mean the wife is married but the husband isn't?

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  2. They sooooo do NOT have to match.

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  3. nah. they don't have to match. if you prefer them to match, go for it. but my husband + i have completely non-matching wedding bands. he loves his, i love mine. there is no confusion about us being married to each other because they don't match.

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  4. Nope, definitely don't have to match. Or at least, I hope not - ours don't!

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  5. I have never seen the point of the three rings on a clever background anyways. It's your wedding, not a jewelry advertisement.

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  6. I have a silver engagement ring and a yellow gold wedding band, my husband has a rose gold wedding band. they all go together in style and all of them have at least one ting diamond in them that came from my Nan's engagement ring. She died when I was 16 and left it to me so I figured it was a nice way to honour her. Anyway they don't MATCH but they do go together. I don't think any of my friends have MATCHING wedding bands either to be honest. In fact two of the guys have rings that match but no one ever thinks they are married to each other...Despite the amount of bromance that goes on between them!

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  7. My fiance and I met with jeweler, Sarah Perlis in NY and we had a similar conversation. Sarah had said that these days lots of people get different colored wedding bands. There are no rules anymore. Do what makes you happy.

    -Colleen

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  8. Do we have to match?
    NO.

    Will people still know we're married to each other if we don't?
    YES (if you tell them. Does this mean the question asker thinks everyone who wears a plain gold band is married to one another?)

    Or does it not matter at all and we should just tell our photographer to skip the three-rings-on-a-clever-background picture?
    It doesn't matter and who cares about the ring shot. You will see them every day on your hands, you won't buy the photo, promise.

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  9. ps, the ring shot that photographers take is not a jewelry ad or to show that they can take product photos, it is to show what rings you will wear that will show how your wedding is UNIQUE to YOU.

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  10. Most couples I know who've gotten married in the last five years do not have matching bands. It's totally fine if you don't.

    You could also get the rings engraved with the same date/words, etc. That way your rings will still "go" together even if they don't match.

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  11. This comment is not related whatsoever but I just wanted to take the time to THANK ESB for not deleting dissenting opinions from her blog posts.

    I recently had a bad experience with another wedding blog that deleted my comment because it did not agree with the post and it made me all the more thankful for blogs like this.

    So thanks ESB, keep fighting the good fight!

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  12. no matching. nope. never. don't worry about it! don't you have enough to worry about getting married?

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  13. Another ring question for you, ESB & Co! My engagement ring is a lovely, lovely antique white gold ring that's been in my fiance's family for more than 100 years. But the setting for the diamond is quite large and rectangular. There's no way to wear a wedding band alongside the ring without altering the engagement ring, which frankly I'm not going to do (hi, new family! don't mind me, just altering the family heirloom!). I'm planning on wearing my engagement ring on my right hand after we get married, and just a plain band on my left.

    My parents have plain yellow gold bands, and I'm a sucker for that traditional look. Does it matter if I wear yellow cold on one hand and white gold on the other? Is that an idiotic question? (I won't be offended if it is.)

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  14. @Meghan - good one. She got this idea from an episode of House? Is this for real?! It can't be. Um, yeah, they don't have to match. Obv.

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  15. Agree, they don't have to match at all. You should both wear something you love. If you really wanted to make it a little more matching, you could always incorporate some yellow gold with white gold into your band or visa vera. I;ve seen many gold bands with white gold rim but get what he wants, even if its completely opposite than yours.

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  16. Do not plan your jewelry around a photo. Especially one where they aren't even attached to your body.

    My wedding band matches my engagement ring. My husband's matches the fantasy that he was a lumberjack in a past life.

    I actually like that they are different because we are two very different people.

    Romance comes in all shapes and sizes.

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  17. Re: white gold on one hand, yellow gold on another - I wear my yellow gold wedding band on my left and my late Mum's platinum engagement band on my right. *I've* never thought this was weird.

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  18. @Anonymous (both!) I wear my platinum and white gold engagement and wedding rings on my left hand, and my class ring on my right hand is yellow gold.

    It wasn't intentional, but wearing two metals has grown on me. I feel like it gives me the freedom to wear whichever metal I feel like-- gold necklace, silver earrings, whatever.

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  19. I'm with Meghan, this has to be an April Fools joke... ESB is condoning matching :)

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  20. I'm wondering if this is a joke too.

    But to answer, in case its real, yall should get the rings that you like. If they happen to match, thats great. But they don't have to. And I guarantee you most people won't even think about whether your rings match or not.

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  21. my parents don't have matching wedding bands--my dad's is yellow gold and my mom's is platinum, and i never thought twice about it until that house episode. they've never experienced any difficulties or confusion with people they've met, and i don't think you will either. i don't think people will be scrutinizing your wedding rings in order to figure out who you're married to. usually introductions cover that.
    if you're self-conscious about it, i think the idea of getting rings in the same style but different materials is a good one.

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  22. i find that kissing my husband in public tends to clear up whether or not we're married re: our non-matching wedding bands.

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  23. @lauren I thought kissing in public was actually a warning sign: No Way Could Those Two Be MARRIED.

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  24. in related news, would some married couple be banksy's kissing cops for halloween this year? much obliged.

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  25. My husband's wedding ring doesn't match mine either (though they're both made from the same metal). If matching matters to you, maybe you and the husband could have the same inscription made on the insides of the bands?

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  26. This kind of question is crazy. Even if everyone in the whole wide world wore matching wedding rings you could still go and be different. Where's the rock and roll gone?

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  27. Also, does it matter if people know that you are married to each other? It's really none of their business. Keep them guessing.

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  28. They don't need to match. I hate when things are too matchy.

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  29. Of course not!

    My ring is my grandmother's and his is new. Also my engagement ring doesn't even match.

    I am committing the sin of a gold engagement ring and a platinum wedding wedding. I think it looks good.

    Also @anon - my wedding ring is not shaped around my engagement ring (bleurgh). They don't fit together but as the engagement ring is slightly larger and the wedding ring tends to just slip under the jewel mounting bit. It like it.

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  30. i think questions like "will people still know we're marrried to each other?" are only things you think about before actually being married.....

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  31. Aw, I like matching bands! I met a dude and thought his silver ring was hella ugly (don't freak out, it's just a personal taste thing - I'm in the yellow-gold/plain band camp too), but when I saw his wife's (admittedly pretty) silver engagement ring and wedding band, I was like, "Oh, these two are a match."

    Do you have to match? No! Of course not! But something that ties the rings together, like a matching inscription or a similar style, could help you feel more comfortable about not going the matchy-match route while still preserving the difference.

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  32. Honestly, I've been going through the same thing- I really want our bands to match! Of course, I've already gone and purchased his, and he has yet to start on mine, so really he needs to get mine to match his, but still, it's important to me to have similar bands.

    When I brought this up to our jeweler, she said "I see so many guys in here that absolutely refuse to wear a wedding band at all, so the fact he is going to wear one without any fuss is a big deal."

    Matching bands= nice, but not 100% necessary.

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  33. @Anonymous. I have the same issue & went with a different band for my left hand & wear the engagement ring on my right. (I hated the curved band that "went" with my engagement ring, so this was my solution.) It will not look bad if you wear different rings on each hand. I recommend going to a jeweler you like & trying stuff on, holding your hands out together, etc. In reality, though, you just need to be happy with it because frankly only one person has noticed & asked why I don't have 2 rings on my left hand.

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  34. wow! lots of feedback!

    I think that my fiance and I want to get matching bands, because there is something cute about it, BUT no rule says they have to be. Except maybe Hugh Laurie.

    also I am so glad to hear so many people coming out against those three ring photos. Every time I see one (and admittedly I look at a lot a lot of wedding porn) I think, "that's a great way to lose your rings on your wedding day, idiots."

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  35. My husband has a dark wood ring with mother of pearl inlay I bought him on etsy. My band is white gold and diamonds.

    Since people can't tell from staring at our left hands, we let people know we're married by wearing matching outfits in public with sandwich board signs in the style of the uber-classy "I'm with stupid" tshirts but they say "She's my wife--->" and "<---He's my husband".

    Keeps things clear at the grocery store and stops the swarming hordes of shoppers from trying to play grab ass with each of us. Because that's been an issue before.

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  36. @ chesapeake Obviously. My parents did that too. I'm really excited for, when I get married, inheriting the family sandwich boards.

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  37. re: different metals on different hands, I wear a yellow gold ring from my grandmother on my right hand, a silver ring from DP our first (second? first was betrothal necklace) betrothal/promise to get married ring, and sometimes his grandmother's platinum engagement ring(no officially announced engagement, some people we talk about it to, family we don't yet as we won't be getting married for years and it saves stress, mostly I wear it around the house.) It doesn't look at all weird. Even if they were all on the same hand it wouldn't look weird. (ok, well, three rings on one hand is overkill, but colorwise not weird)

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  38. My aunt and uncle both have wedding bands that are made of platinum and gold (I think, maybe gold and white gold? Not sure...) - on her's the inside is gold and the outside is platinum, and on his the inside is platinum and the outside is gold. So, even though they look different at first glance, they are actually complements of each other, which I think is even lovelier than having matching bands. Maybe that's an idea?

    But bottom line - you do whatchu want!

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  40. if they don't match, you are just wearing rings... wedding rings def have to match...

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