Tuesday, August 14, 2012

butch bridesmaid vs. meaniepants bride

Apr 1

Hi ESB,

I have been engaged for what seems like an eternity (not the issue) and one friend who was always going to be a BM. 

She is wearing this. I bought it at least 2 years ago (3? Who knows), and thankfully I still like it, as does my BM. 


My daughter (flower girl) will be wearing this. For the record, I bought it a year ago, realized it wasn’t going to fit and miraculously found the next size up at 50% off. Woo!

When we decided to set the date for later this year, I realized one of my great friends had become a best friend and in terms of BM’s she would totally rock it. Completely reliable and extremely creative - just what a girl needs. So naturally I asked her if she would be part of my wedding. She said yes. Yay!

I have asked her what she would like to wear, and she has told me it’s up to me. This totally bites. 

She has worn a dress twice in her life. She is 5’6”, about a sz 12 apple figure, and gay. I had thought she would look great in some slacks, shirt, suspenders (?), but she said she didn’t want to look like a screaming lesbian, although I imagine she would look great. She said she thinks bridesmaids should wear dresses. I am totally cool with it, but I am completely stuck for idea. Let’s be honest. On a day to day basis, she’s a tad butch. Winter’s uniform is jeans, a hoodie and Nike Airs, and in summer it’s board shorts, a t-shirt and Havaianas.

Her requirement is that it has sleeves of some sort (there’s a tattoo on her shoulder she absolutely hates and is in the process of removing), my requirement is it goes with the dresses of my other favorite ladies.

Help!

*****

Jul 1

what did you find??

*****

Jul 2

Didn’t. 

Thought we’d do away with BM’s altogether. (I think I got a tad lazy and put it into the Too Hard basket)

*****

Aug 13

Soo.

I said I had found this dress for her.



I was happy with it. She said she liked it. Then she didn’t. No bra. Huge issue. Apparently strapless bras don’t cut it for her puppies.

Then, she suggested I should replace her with my sister (who incidentally is now also a bridesmaid, so it’s turning out to be one big bridesmaid party). And I said why would I do that, however if she wasn’t feeling it, that’s cool with me. Then we got over the issue and I suggested this dress, which she liked most out of the 3 I suggested at that time, but wouldn’t give me her measurements, I had to measure her the next day when a tape measure would be brought in. Then the dress sold out over night (It was on sale, 70% off) before I could get her measurements. 

Then I suggested a bucket load of dresses, some thrown in there ‘cause she said I was choosing dresses her nana would like, then she called me meaner than her nana (we share a name and birthday) I said this would be mean. Haha.

All joking aside, what the fuck does she wear? My florist is a friend of hers and she agrees my BM looks uncomfortable in a dress. I’m leaning back towards pants and a top, so she will just need to get over the screaming lesbian look, which she wears so well on a day to day basis?

I don’t mean to sound snarky, or perhaps I do just a little, but we are now 2 months out from “my day” (fuck I hate that saying) and I want finality with her outfit. My preferred way of shopping is on the internet and if it doesn’t work, send it back. But now I am running short of time, and I am not sure how much of an option that is.

Do your readers have any suggestions?

For the records,
[This is the dress I have for my sister]



The required colour is grey.

*****

TELL HER TO PICK OUT HER OWN DAMN OUTFIT




And fuck the "required color." At this point, the lady just needs to be clothed.

48 comments:

  1. Agree with ESB. I will never, ever understand problems like this.

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  2. Replies
    1. Ah crap, you wanted an outfit. It's matronly anyway, sorries :S

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    2. Had never even considered BM in that way. And I shall never use that term again. I think I have possibly rattled off every grey dress that shop has to offer. Thanks though.

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  3. Okay, so she's up for the challenge of rocking a dress, despite it being outside her comfort zone? Awesome! But that likely means she doesn't know what looks good on her, so give her a list of shops you like - boutiques where you trust the sales people, department stores with a personal shopping service - a paint chip if matching is important to you, a buddy, like another bridesmaid, and a DEADLINE. Then trust her, and reassure her that no matter what she picks, it'll be fab.

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    1. Grey is the only request. I think I also forgot to add I'm paying for it (happily) but alsodont want to spend vast amounts, which gives credit to my favourite shopping method, online! Your input is great though. I think we will hod that as a last resort.

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  4. Pants won't make her look like a screaming lesbian if she's not actually screaming, right? She'll just look like a butch lady. Which is what she is.

    But if she insists on a dress, this might work-- the shirtdress style sort of gestures at butchness without "going there" if she doesn't want to do that.

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    Replies
    1. No. I love shirtdresses but the taffeta? and the giant bow? and the weird collar? No.

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    2. The Elizabeth of OzAugust 15, 2012 at 5:29 PM

      I agree that a shirt dress is a great idea - but the problem is the overly bridesmaidy cut and fabric (for someone who doesn't wear dresses, these are all like ueber girly dresses on steroids). Maybe this would be better? Cotton is not dressy enough for some, but I think it is perfect for the simplicity of the style - and not at all like being in drag.

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    3. The Elizabeth of OzAugust 15, 2012 at 5:35 PM

      For fuck's sake

      this

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    4. I would buy that for me. She has an apple figure though, and wouldn't be too impressed.

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  5. I agree that she should just pick out her own outfit, if she's so picky. But does it have to be so bridesmaids-y? what about something like this?

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    Replies
    1. DAMN. That dress is hot. Might have to order one for myself.

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    2. I love that. Etsy is a place I haven't explored fully. Great thinking.

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  6. OMG. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding with a very similar situation. Me and another maid picked out 2 different gray dresses. The 3rd bridesmaid is our bestie--a not-too-butch but not-too-feminine. She asked the bride if she could wear pants and this is how it went down (mostly over email):

    BRIDE says MAID can wear pants, and asks me to help with some advice. I suggest she wear any pants she likes, along with a dressy tank top. Something made of silk or with a little embellishment or a cowl neck or a waist tie...something that looks a little girly.

    MAID instead orders a tuxedo shirt that isn't available and mentions wearing a vest (dear lord).

    BRIDE writes her back and is basically like, "you can wear whatever you want but I feel like you're going to look really conservative and covered up next to the other two girs" and suggests more tanks.

    MAID is 100% completely stumped by this. Not by the concept I don't think but by actually choosing a top (we must have sent her links to about 30). She apparently can't find anything, which is pretty ridic, given that her wife dresses like this all the time.

    MAID finally says "I'll just wear a dress." BRIDE is all "whatever, you want."

    MAID sends us photos of two dresses. Dress A looks great but is way too long on her and needed to be hemmed. Dress B looked terrible on her. She chooses Dress B because she's too lazy or uncomfortable to go get it hemmed.

    MAID wears terrible dress and looks awful in it (despite being really really good-looking). After ceremony she changes into pants and an oxford and a tie. And looks a billion times better than in the dress.

    Sooooooo...everyone was wrong and lost! :)

    I still stand by the original concept. It'd help your maid be more comfortable but look dressier/less butch. She could wear cropped pants or long tailored shorts.

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    Replies
    1. That is possibly the funniest thing I have read in a while. Thank god there are others in the situation.

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  7. Separates will probably make her feel less self-conscious. How about a skirt pair with top with sequins?

    ttp://www.yoox.com/item.asp?cod10=35179710&tp=11227&tskay=3FD17CD7

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  8. Replies
    1. you were hoping for a "which band goes with my vintage engagement ring" post?

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  9. Why doesn't your gay friend want to look gay at this wedding?

    Also: the outfits you describe her wearing are all super casual. What does she go for when she gets dressed up?

    FWIW shirt dresses are my #1 go-to when I want a dress that makes me feel less like I'm in drag. H&M usually has decent plain cotton ones.

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    1. She doesn't get dressed up. That's half the problem. The last time I saw her dressed up was at a fancy dress as a gynecologist. Some other type of fancy dress before that.

      Her work uniform is black trousers, black top, black vest. So she doesn't do black outside work.

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  10. I think the assumption that the bridesmaid will feel more comfortable in pants is misplaced. In fact, she has said that she wants to wear a dress. Perhaps she feels comfortable in pants in her every day life, but being someone's bridesmaid is not every day life. She has to stand up in front of a bunch of friends/family, most of whom she probably does not know. She has said she does not want to wear pants because she doesn't want to look like a "screaming lesbian." Maybe she does not want to stand out from the other bridesmaids and she would feel uncomfortable standing in front of people she does not know worrying that everyone is wondering why she is wearing pants and then concluding oh, she must be a lesbian. This would make me feel uncomfortable.

    I have a friend who wants all of her bridesmaids to pick out their own dresses. Everyone was emailing her asking for help, advice, approval. Finally, she emailed them all and said I am stressed out over the rest of this wedding, please just dress yourselves. This was successful.

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    Replies
    1. Well put. Thank you.

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  11. Yes.

    Look, some sympathy and support is reasonable because it sounds like the wedding party gig is out of her comfort zone.

    That said, it isn't your full time job to find a dress for her. You've helped, now she needs to figure out something to wear (and possibly enlist another friend if she really can't do it alone).

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    Replies
    1. I want to be supportive, and I want her to be comfortable! I'm also paying for the dress.... so I am trying to be savvy, whilst being considerate. Much harder than it appears. I am also aware the dress will never see the light of day again!

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  12. What about a T Shirt dress

    Or possibly a leather tunic? Do you do leather?

    Or a simple wrap ?

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    Replies
    1. The simple wrap is working for me.

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  13. ESB, You know the answer to this!
    Just have her do a Lane Bryant Version of this - http://www.eastsidebride.com/2008/04/fck-convention-miss-rowe.html

    In the same colors as the rest of the bridesmaids. Its flattering and feminine.

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    Replies
    1. That's awesome.

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  14. Replies
    1. oooohh, yes!!

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    2. I was going to suggest this, which is even on sale, but I like that ^^ better.

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    3. I really like that.

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  15. These are hardly mind-blowing, but fit the criteria well if she insists on wearing a dress

    Lace Cocktail dress with sleeves? I don't love it, but it's gray, has sleeves and, most importantly, has great reviews.

    Basic (maybe unexciting) silk chiffon dress. Can wear with bra, good range of sizes, goes well with the first Bridesmaid dress.

    That said, I think its much cuter to wear these pants and a great blouse

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    Replies
    1. I recently shot a wedding where one of the bridesmaids wore the Lace Dress and she looked AMAZING. It's way better on than it is on the model.

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    2. That great blouse is fantastic.

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  16. Fitted pants. Some kind of interesting blouse. Amazingly tailored blazer. Perhaps a cigarette in hand. Like this. http://randomknowledge.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/lesmoking.jpg

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    Replies
    1. A cigarette?? REALLY?

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    2. Great imagery.

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  17. We had a best woman at our (UK) wedding. She wore a black jumpsuit with tuxedo lapels from Topshop and she looked like a f-ing hot ass.

    Our friend - same size, shape, wardrobe choices as the butch bridesmaid - wore black tuxedo trousers, a white tailored women's shirt with black buttons, a black bow tie with black netting (sounds rank but looked splendid), a masterful quiff and some attitude.

    Beyond my 87 year old grandfather in his original 50s double breasted velvet tux, they were the best dressed there.

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    1. That works for me.

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  18. I bought her this in Grey

    She hasn't seen it. Should look good on her, she has a similar body structure to the model.

    Thanks you all for your help.

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    Replies
    1. I like it (and hope she will too).
      I had almost the exact same situation. Told my 7 BMs to wear whatever they wanted in shades of green (I liked the look and I also had no funds to buy them outfits). After months of them trying to coordinate their dresses from opposite sides of the country (despite me telling them repeatedly to just wear something they like and not worry about the other girls), they all decided to wear the same dress! Not the look I was going for, but I said fine since the idea of not matching was stressing them.
      In the end, my butch-ish maid who didn't want to wear pants, gave me her dress after the wedding because she knew she would never wear it again. Made me sad, because my whole intention was for them to spend a little as possible on the day since it was a destination wedding.

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    2. Good choice :)

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  19. I have the SAME bridesmaid!! I was going to have them all rock lady-tuxes, but she wanted to wear a dress.... So I sent her like 1,000 pictures of dresses I thought were appropriate. She chose this:
    http://www.etsy.com/listing/83850858/wrap-dress-womens-dress-plum-with-34

    All the bridesmaids are loving them - each got a different sleeve and will probably tie the ties differently as well. In gray I think it would coordinate.....

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