Please help me dress my boobs (BRIDESMAIDS EDITION)

Hello! 

I am in a wedding in a few months for a VERY stylish couple. They have graciously allowed us to pick our own dresses (yes!) but the parameters are little... tiny (oh no!). Pinks, blush, rose, FULL LENGTH. AHHH! I'm 5'2! And busty! I can't wear any of the awesome cut out back things that are happening right now, a bra is a MUST. I don't want to be in an ACTUAL bridesmaid dress while everyone else is at this swanky downtown New York wedding all tricked out! I've seen your readers save the day, I've contributed suggestions myself, now I need your help! 

Thank you in advance, I know I will be clicking through links in no time! plz plz!

*****

Here's what Celia, aka Our Lady of the Boobs, had to say....

Dear 5'2 & Busty,

First of all, your problem here has nothing to do with the fact that you are either short or busty. After spending one too many hours (yes, HOURS) on the world wide web trying to find a dress for you, I have come to the conclusion that pink, full length gowns are designed for three types of ladies. 

1. Bridesmaids, a look you're not going for

2. Mothers of the bride, a look I'm assuming you're not going for

3. High school girls desperate to get laid on prom night, a look I'm hoping you're not going for 

So my question is this, would a patterned dress be an option? Not that ESB is looking to be the new poster blog for Halston Heritage, but I found this. The cut is PERFECT for all that boobage, and as a major plus, it can be worn with a conventional bra. This Halston dress is also calling out for some big ol' love pillows. 

If you're up for wearing a convertible bra or a great and supportive bustier, the one-shoulder look is ultra flattering for just about any well endowed bridesmaid. 

Your 5'2 and busty soul sister,

Celia

Photo at top: Monika Jablonczky by Mate Moro for WADmagazine

______________________________

p.s. Celia also has guest post up on the etsy blog today. (SPOILER ALERT: There are no boobs involved.) AND: She has invited us to shop her rad little vintage store at a discount. Use coupon code ESB15OFF for 15% off until Sunday, 8/11.

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 4: Wedding Dresses)

Here's Celia with the cherry on top of our BOOB-O-riffic series:

So, you're getting married AND you have big tits... let's find you something awesome to wear. You guys, I have not been on a hunt for a wedding gown in about three years, but BY GOLLY it looks like the bridal industry knows what's up. It's a shame that you only seem to find big-busted brides in halter and strapless silhouettes, because there are hundreds, if not thousands, of dresses that are right for you. I had my dress custom made, which I highly recommend as an option, but I had so much fun doing the research for this post that I might just go try on some gowns sometime in the near future for shits and giggles. I really don't care how cuckoo bananas that is either.

Basically, all the same rules apply as dressing for non-wedding life. You want the right neckline, you want the right fabric, and you want the right cut that will help create balance. I know all those newer dresses coming out with all those fun embellishments on the bust line are oh-so-adorable, but you have no business wearing a big taffeta bow across your tits, OK? Other than that, like I said, the wedding gown world is your oyster, so let's explore it.

(left, right)

If wrap dresses look great on you for everyday life, then you better believe they'll work just as splendidly on your wedding day. I think really toned down silhouettes are so good for big boobs. Your knockers are such a great accessory, so you really don't need to be adding too much to them, you know? That being said, please do not let me catch you wearing a necklace that's long enough to fall between your cleavage. Como se dice, "looks really fucking stupid"?

I'm thinking backyard/potluck wedding for the dress on the left, and City hall wedding with your sister as the witness for the DVF dress. Am I right, or am I right?

(left and right)

Big boobs are awesome in all those romantic silhouettes. You'll look straight off the cover of some sex-a-fied romance novel, but in a good way. I know busty girls seem to be over empire dresses, but they DO work for you if that's a trend you're willing to take on. I wore an empire dress when I got married, but more than anything, I chose that style because I really wanted to EAT at my wedding. 

I saw at least five dresses on the Saja site that would be beautifully worn by a busty lady.

(left, right)

So, looking like a bride is simply not your thing, but you still want to look like THE bride. You lucky ladies have so much to choose from. If you're not planning on buying a wedding dress or even a wedding-y dress, just make sure you still choose something that will knock your socks off when you try it on. Personally, I don't believe in the concept of "The Dress," but if you're going to wear it for the most important day of your life, you better be in love with yourself in it. 

A great alternative to strapless and halter silhouettes are one-shoulder dresses. They compliment bigger boobs fabulously, and although *I've* never had luck with one of those convertible-type bras (I'm not saying they don't exist for big boobs), you can wear a one-shoulder dress with a strapless bra or bustier. Call me crazy, but I think adding even one strap to a dress when wearing a strapless bra helps add a fair amount of support. 

The dress on the right looks like it was MADE for humongous Big'uns. It's ultra sexy AND you can wear a regular bra with it? That's a major winner in my book. 

(left and right)

Alright, so you're getting married AND you have a hot body. Poor you. It's pretty safe to say that having a killer rack doesn't always equal a killer body. But if it does for you, then you've got to flaunt that shit, home chicken. I know I tried to sway you from strapless dresses, but let's say, for example, your figure is pin-up worthy (think Scarlett Johansson or Salma Hayek) and you want to show it off. Well then, you should! The Elizabeth Dye dress above will accentuate all your amazing curves, but will also keep you from looking like the Skank Bride of the Year. 

Thank you for having me, ESB and all her rad readers. This series has been tons of fun for me and I've gained so much knowledge in the process. Now lets keep our tits strapped in, and our wardrobes looking bangin'.

xo -Celia

Photo at top: Scarlett Johansson by Peter Lindbergh for Vogue China, April 2011 via Glamcheck

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 3: Dresses)

Once again, here's Celia, Queen of the Knockers:

Fuck yeah, dresses! Those boobs of yours look FABULOUS in lots of different dress styles, so let's put them in one, shall we? 

First, let's focus on some day dresses. If you feel lost in this department, no worries, 'cause I'm here to help. You don't need a shit ton of dresses, just two or three GOOD and versatile ones will make a prefect start to a a great boob-friendly dress collection. The beauty of a day dress is that you can pair it with your favorite sandals for casual activities, but also dress it up a bit for that bridal shower brunch you're obligated to go to. The three styles I'd suggest for you buxom beauties would be...

(wrap, shift, shirt)

1. A Wrap Dress. Did you know that every time a busty girl complains about having to wear yet ANOTHER wrap dress, a fairy dies? Here's the thing, home slice, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I know there are way too many uber boring wrap dresses out there, and it's so discouraging to search through hundreds of them, but I promise you, there are AMAZING ones, too, that are anything but boring. You just have to do your homework. I think it's safe to say that most designers come up with some form of wrap dress every season. If there's a designer you love, scout out their wrap dresses and buy one. The wrap dress is a no-brainer, so do yourself a favor and stop fighting it. 

2. The Perfect Shift. Shift dresses actually work well for both gazongas and itty-bitties, but if you want to see exactly the kind of magic they can create for your ample bust line, just take a look here. Enough said. 

P.S. A little concerned about how the rest of you will look in a shift? Here are your options: start hitting the gym, or take *my* lazy-ass approach and buy yourself some good undergarments. If you think Christina Hendricks isn't wearing a girdle in that photo, you are majorly confused, my friend.

3. A Non-Boxy Shirt Dress. The wrong shirt dress can be disastrous for those DDs of yours, but the right shirt dress can be unbelievably flattering. The one above does not have a button closure, which already makes it a winner for your monster tits. The cinched waist will flatter your figure, and the flouncy skirt will create that balance I spoke of in my last post. Also, I want to take the time to talk about dresses with sleeves. I know that they aren't exactly the most popular (quite frankly, I have no idea why), but sleeves compliment big boobs in the best way. Give them a try; I have a feeling you won't be disappointed. 

Alright, ladies, let's move onto "da club" (if that's your thing), and all other nighttime activities. Before we start discussing dress styles, we need to have a little talk, mkay? Everyone seems to think you've been *blessed* with these massive tits of yours, but most of the time you find them to be quite an annoyance that are impossible to dress for, am I right? So, defeated, you give into those tits of yours and try your very best to squeeze your melons into a dress that was made for the tiniest titties available. The result is bad, REAL BAD. Big boobed girls look at you and know you're the girl who doesn't know how to dress for her body, and everyone else looks at you and thinks, "SLUT." The truth is, we're not blessed, but rather *cursed* with some sort of naturally skanky physique. For some reason, people can't look at a hefty pair of knockers without sex coming to mind, and you've fallen victim. What's a big-titted girl to do? Do we wear turtlenecks our whole lives and walk around looking like nuns? Of course not, silly buddons! There's absolutely nothing wrong with showing a little tit from time to time, BUT there is a very fine line. For example...

Alright, there's A TON wrong with the picture on the right, but we're only here to talk about the boobs. Notice that Ms. Dennings is concealing just a tiny bit more in the picture on the left, yet it manages to make a HUGE difference. The picture on the left looks sexy, but at the same time, refined, polished, and sophisticated. The picture on the right looks straight up crazytown. A FINE LINE.

I'm not here to tell you how to dress, ladies, but I am here to shamelessly tell you that when yo' titties are all up in everyone's face, you end up looking kinda ridiculous. If that happens to be your thing, however, and you just LOVE pinning pictures of the Kardashians, then by all means, live the dream. BUT, the next time someone who's met you on more than one occasion can't seem to remember your face because they were too busy waiting for one of your nipples to pop out, don't go crying wolf. People stare at big tits; Men stare at big tits, women stare at big tits, women with big tits stare at big tits. I don't know what it is, but evolutionarily, we can't seem to help it. If you have a problem with people staring at your big, fat mammaries all the damn time, then all you've got to do is give them a little less to stare at. It's quite simple, actually. 

Time to party in the right dress...

(lbd, show stopper, wild card)

1. The Classic LBD. Every girl, not matter what size bra she wears, NEEDS the perfect LBD that she can wear to just about any occasion. When I buy LBDs, I prefer to go classic. I'd highly recommend vintage, but if that's not your thing, vintage-inspired is usually on the right track. The thing about the perfect, classic LBD is that you'll never get sick of it, and when the last thing you want to do (or can do) is shop for a new dress, your LBD will always save the day. No need to be boring, get yourself a LBD with some fun features. Draping around the neckline will always flatter a full bust. And as always, make sure to try on dresses that add definition to your waist. Black, of course, is slimming, but big boobs tend to have a sneaky little way of making you look 20 lb. heavier if you're not careful.

2. A Dress That Will Make Heads Turn. Remember, just because I told you to cover up a bit, doesn't mean you can't leave the house looking like a total sex pot. You can, and you should! Typically, I like to achieve this by covering a bit on top, and showing a bit more on the bottom. My general rule that I use *most* of the time is, long sleeves/short hem and long hem/short or no sleeves. The plunging V neck in the dress above will show plenty, and the batwing sleeves are ultra flattering for your boob-tastic bod. And, hello? SPARKLES!

3. The Unexpected Dress. Often times, I find that well endowed women tend to think that they just don't have that many options when it comes to having fun with their clothes. Yes, I agree that WAY TOO MANY designers make clothes for all those 34Bs out there, but that doesn't mean you can't find something totally awesome for yourself. After TONS of research, I came across that Alice & Olivia Ombre dress. It's different, it's great for so many different occasions, AND you can wear a regular bra with it. Was it worth all my time and effort? You bet it was!

I hope you're all gaining a better understanding of what will work best for you. Seeing as this is a wedding blog, we'll be discussing the cherry on top next... WEDDING DRESSES. 

Cel, you rule. As a just-barely-maybe-member-of-the-big-tit-club, may I just say? DAMN I AM LEARNING A LOT THIS WEEK.

If you've just fallen onto the "Please help me dress my boobs" series, be sure to catch Part 1: Bras (which will change your life, doesn't matter how big/small your knockers are) + Part 2: Regular Clothes.

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 2: Regular Clothes)

Here's Celia, our Patron Saint of Boobies:

"Do you boob goddesses wear regular clothes?"
-esb to me

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at this question because it does seem like big-boobed girls are always in some type of dress. And I have to admit, I spent about ten years of my life being totally guilty of this; I found the right cut of dress that worked for me, and wore it TO DEATH. It was easier that way, a total no-brainer that I could pair with flats or sandals when I was out and about, or a pair of pumps when I was going to someone's bridal shower. But the thing is, there were occasions in my life that didn't call for a dress, and I'd always end up ever so slightly overdressed. Then there's the other thing... it can get pretty fucking cold in a dress.

To be perfectly honest, this is the post I was the most excited to write about because it is the most challenging for me. I know how to dress casually for my body type, but quite often, it seems like it is way more effort than just, well, putting on a dress. In an effort to cut the dress habit (and to stay warm), I've spent almost a year now in my new uniform: Skinny jeans, whichever clean/not too wrinkled t-shirt I can find, moccasins, and my trusty military jacket. It's really not that bad, I guess, but let's just all be happy that I have a husband, or else I'm not so sure I'd ever get laid again. It's not that girls with big boobs can't pull off a look as simple as a t-shirt and jeans. If anything, I believe that t-shirts were kind of made for big, glorious tits. BUT, if you don't want to end up looking like a sack of potatoes, you have to make sure you polish the look up a bit. Dressing for a big bust is all about creating balance, finding a fantastic tailor, and making him/her your new best friend. 

The chances of you finding clothes that look killer on you right off the rack are slim to none, so it's about time you give up that pipe dream. Let's say, for example, your boobs fit beautifully into a size 14 dress, but the rest of you however, looks like it's drowning in fabric. What to do? You swallow your pride and buy the size 14, and you have your tailor make it fit your size 10 body. If you're hung up on dress sizes, you need to get over yourself NOW. The goal is to look bangin', right? So, who gives two shits what the size tag on your dress says? You will be SO happy if you get into the habit of doing this, and you will finally, FINALLY get rid of your dreaded mono-boob. 

So, let's get dressed! I've compiled three "regular" looks for you. The first one is the most casual; think "jeans and t-shirt." The second, which is a bit more dressed up, works well for meeting up with friends for drinks or going on a date with your husband/boyfriend/almost-fiancé/wife/girlfriend/partner/what have you. And the last, because I feel this is an area where big-boobed girls REALLY suffer, is a great look for work-related situations. 

Look 1: You want to be comfortable, but you don't want to look like poop soup.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Here I am, another blogger telling you to wear stripes. The thing is, though, stripes actually have a very slimming affect which translates well to toning down those floppity milkers of yours. It's not that I'm advising you to hide what your mama gave you (if you notice from the bra post, I didn't suggest one single minimizer), but like I mentioned earlier in this post, you need to create balance. You need to devise some sort of diversion so that you don't walk around looking like you're seconds away from toppling over. The easiest way to do this is with...

1. The right neckline. Of course, there are exceptions to most rules, but generally speaking, you will be much better off wearing a v-neck or a scoop neck. Higher necklines have a tendency to overwhelm a fuller bust, giving it that dreaded "matronly" look. Be very careful though; you're dressing for every-day "regular" activities here, not "da club." 

2. The right pattern. You do know that wearing big, massive polkadots is a major no-no when you have big, massive bosoms, RIGHT? And you are aware that big patterns, in general, aren't usually the best idea? GOOD. Now that we have all that out of the way, let's make pattern the next big thing in your life. Pattern on top can really help to camouflage all that extra weight you're carrying around, and pattern on the bottom will create that diversion I was talking about. If you're planning on doing pattern all over, keep it subtle, stupid.

3. The right, or any, color. Color is a great tool for creating balance. When you're dressing for big boobs, you want to give the impression of great proportion... something that most busty girls don't have the pleasure of having. Yes, we know you have an attractive pair of tits, but what about your ass? Is it awesome too? Show it off in a rad pair of colored jeans. Or, maybe you have a gorgeous set of legs; bring a little attention to them with a bright-colored mini. In other words, give people more to look at than just your TITS. This is a hard one for some of you ladies, I know, but I have faith in you. 

Look 2: You're meeting up with friends for dinner at that new restaurant no one will shut up about, followed by Negronis until you're almost seeing double, and you want to look sharp, but not overdressed.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Ok, so you made it through your day of farmers market shopping and a mani/pedi in your striped shirt and colored jeans, but now it's time to turn it up a notch. I have to admit that going to dinner in jeans is a trend that I'm still trying to get used to seeing as I had a mother who made me wear nylons every time I stepped foot on an  airplane. However, more than just a trend, it looks to now be just a way of life. That's tots cool, but let's dress those jeans up a bit, shall we?

You don't even have to say a word, because I know what you're thinking... "Busty gals CAN'T wear tunic-y-type blouses; this Celia girl doesn't know shit about shit." I'm here to tell you that you are WRONG, my friends. Sure you can't wear just any tunic, but if you take into consideration cut, fabric, and color, you most certainly CAN wear a tunic, dumb-dumb. The one above is the perfect example. It is dark, but not black (bet you're pretty sick of all those black tops, aren't you?). The neckline is a low V, but not scandalous (we'll save that discussion for the next post). The flow-y chiffon-y-ness will beautifully drape over your tits like silky chocolate syrup over ice cream (for the love of God, wear a cami under this one... no one wants to see THAT much of you). And last, all those great details like the gathered shoulder, tiny pleats and delicate tie will all help to compliment your chest.
 
Now you want to help add some structure to your outfit. All the looseness of the blouse and the wideness of the jeans might look like fabric overload, so you want to tone it down a bit and add some definition. If you have a slimmer waist, you can consider tucking your brand new tunic in, but another way to give that "hourglass" look is to add a well-tailored blazer (the busty girl's bff). I strongly urge you to invest in a good blazer, or maybe even two. This is advice that even I need to take. I used to think that blazers were all wrong for me and my body type, but that's only because I was trying on the wrong blazers. I think I got all caught up in that menswear-inspired trend, and was trying to make those oversized blazers that look so hot on Kate Moss look hot on me too. No bueno, guys.
 
The thing is, I have the farthest thing from a menswear-inspired body; I'm walking around with pretty sizable boobs, so I [and you] need a LADY blazer that will celebrate them in all their glory and not try and make me look like the girl who thinks she can pull off looking like Kate Moss. A LADY blazer, for one, is noticeably cinched at the waist. A LADY blazer is also, typically shorter, falling somewhere between the waist and mid-hip. This length will help to accentuate the curve of your hips, which will in turn balance out the robustness of your titties. Another thing to note is that a LADY blazer will most likely have slimmer cut sleeves, and this is a MUST. You don't want to add matronly upper arms to those boobs, do you? The right blazer, I've learned, is like the right haircut. For those of you who have ever had a killer, flawless haircut, you KNOW what a life changer it can be. 
 
Look 3: You're meeting with a client and want to look like you can kick ass and take names... and like you make $50k more a year than you actually do.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Let me first and foremost make it extremely clear that unless you work at Hooters, or have a starring role on Melrose Place (the 90s version), those boobs of yours need to be under wraps for all work/career-related events. Let me put it to you this way... let's say I'm in the market for a new accountant. I will most likely go with the one who dazzles me with her smarts than the one who distracts me with her tits. Look, I'm not trying to say that having big boobs means you're not as smart as your B-cup competition, I'm just telling you to be professional. 

It's outfit time, and would you look at that! I actually had the nerve to suggest a blazer for TWO of the looks in this post; That's how much I believe in the power of a good blazer. For work-related purposes, I personally feel that simple is always best. That's just my opinion, so if it floats your boat to wear a floral blouse, then you go right ahead and do that. The gold buttons on the blouse above create a vertical line, which will help keep those tatas in check.  

Before we go any further, I need to get something off my chest: STOP wearing button-up blouses that don't fit you. If a blouse is puckering AT ALL, and if a blouse is opening AT ALL at your bust, it does not fit you. Go up a size, or two, and have the extra slack tailored. I know that when you have boobs of any size, it can be hard to keep those buttons securely locked, but a couple easy fixes are to wear a camisole underneath, or to have an invisible snap placed where your bust is the fullest. Do these things; They're quite simple, so you should have no excuse.

For balance, a circle skirt is flattering for all body types, and will totally offset your bodacious rack. A fuller skirt also adds a nice girly touch, which I'm a fan of, but it can easily be swapped out with a pencil skirt, or some killer slacks. Oh, and lady? You're working, so please avoid looking like a slob and try tucking your blouse in. 

There you have it, my DD and beyond sisters. Follow these very simple rules, learn how to incorporate them into your own style, and in no time you'll be looking a lot more hot tamale, and a lot less skank-a-licious. See you for my next post, DRESSES.

And in case you missed it (no idea how you could have missed it) be sure to catch up on Part 1 of Celia's epic series: BRAS.

Salma Hayek photo at top courtesy of Vogue

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 1: Bras)

Here's Celia...................!

So you've got yourself a pair of Big'Uns, and are in desperate need of wardrobe advice. From what ESB tells me, there are quite a number of you with this problem. Well, fret not, my busty counterparts, because I have some Big'Uns too and am here to help.

Before we get into all the fun (the actual dressing yourself part of this series), we need to get your boobs looking their absolute best; we need to talk about bras. I'm sure you've already heard this a buh-zillion times, but if you have not done something about it by now, then you need to get your ass (or your tits) in gear. I kid you not, ladies, the right bra will change your life in ways you would have never imagined. A good bra will save your looks, your self-esteem, your back, and probably even your sex life. 

Let me give you a little background on my bra situation. About 5 years ago, I decided to go to some real professionals and get properly fitted. I knew I wasn't wearing the right bra size, and every size I tried on always seemed wrong. So, I made an appointment, nervously waited in quite possibly the most awkward waiting room I've ever come across, and flipped through gossip magazines until my number was called.

Maria, my bra-fitter, came into a fitting room with me and asked why I was there. Considering I was in a bra store, I found this question to be very odd. I told her that I had a feeling I was wearing the wrong bra size, and although I had been measured as a 34DD pretty much everywhere I went, my bras just never felt right. She told me to take my shirt off. I'm not even sure it was off for more than two seconds before she confidently said, "You are definitely wearing the wrong size." She asked me to lift my arms and she measured me, but instead of pulling the tape measure around me the conventional way (underneath my bust), she measured me [snuggly] on top of my bust. I was certain she had no fucking idea what she was doing. "You're a 32DDD," she said, "but past a D cup, companies have different sizing charts... you're going to have to learn what the right size feels and looks like to know if you're buying the right bras."

I was dumbfounded; for some reason, being a bustier girl, I was always under the impression that, due to the largeness of my boobs, it would only make sense to wear a larger band size as well. Like for some reason having big boobs naturally made me a bigger person. Looking back, I can't help but laugh at my naiveté. I tried on a shit ton of bras, and I kid you not, for the first time in my life I wanted to buy 20 bras. Every other time I had gone bra shopping, I had to force myself to buy the one that was "good enough." 

On to proper fit. How's a girl supposed to know if she's wearing the right bra? Here are some tips:

1. Your boobs should not ever, at any time, be spilling out of ANY area of your bra. If you happen to have bigger boobs, you're probably ALL TOO familiar with that unsightly "boob fat" that collects under your arms. Am I right? If that boob fat isn't being contained by your bra, you are wearing the wrong bra. If your boobs are popping out of the top of your bra and creating that oh-so-flattering quad-boob look, you are wearing the wrong bra. If you have any form of mono-boob going on, again, you are wearing the wrong bra.

2. The center band will tell you SO much. Bottom line, that tiny piece of fabric in the center of your bra that connects the cups should ALWAYS lay flush against your chest, and NEVER sticking or poking out in any way. NO EXCEPTIONS. 

3. Where are your nipples? They should be pointing straight ahead like laser beams. If they are pointing anywhere south, gurrrl, you need to contain yo' shit. 

4. The band and wings should feel TIGHT. This might actually be the most valuable piece of information about proper bra fit. All those years of wearing the wrong size, I never felt like I was getting the support I needed. I would tighten and tighten my straps (more on this subject in #5), but all that ever seemed to do was give me sore shoulders. Maria explained that the band and the wings are the part of your bra that are supposed to provide support. When they fit properly and snuggly, they allow your mid back to hold up the weight of your boobs. If they don't fit properly, you're relying on your upper back and shoulders to hold up those knockers, and that explains why you're always in so much fucking pain! When you're wearing your bra, go up to a mirror and turn to your side. The band and wings of your bra should lay visibly below your bust line, and they should stay there throughout the day. If they ride up to fit parallel to your bust line, or even worse, above your bust line, they are too loose; go down a band size.

5. Loosen up those straps! Ok, so now that your bra band is fitting comfortably where it should be, give your back and shoulders a break and take some slack off of your straps. After years of assuming that bra straps are designed for support, I was taught that more than anything, they're really just there to help hold your bra in place. Is that the craziest thing you've ever heard or what? They shouldn't be so loose that they're falling off your shoulders, but if they're creating those painful-looking divots that busty ladies are so famous for, then you need to cut that shit out, mkay?

Ok, now that you're feeling confident about fit, let's go bra shopping. Personally, there are three brands I like the best and highly recommend. This is just my opinion, and I'm sure there are other bras you ladies love, but since these are what I know, they're what I'm sticking to. They are Wacoal, Le Mystére (Oprah's favorite), and Chantelle Intimates; Actually, for the past two years, I've stuck exclusively to Chantelle's "Rive Gauche 3281" Underwire Bra (pictured on the right, below). 

I suggest, at minimum, you have two bras; One should be nude, and one should be black (I have never seen the point of a white bra, if someone would like to explain, please feel free). Another recommendation if you can afford it, is to add a seamless bra and a strapless bra to your collection. Seamless bras are great for t-shirts (big boobs look fabulous in t-shirts), and work well for many other garments too. Strapless silhouettes also compliment an ample bust, and at the very least, a strapless bra will ensure that you don't have to give up items with thinner or unconventionally placed straps. When buying a strapless bra, try and find one that is designed to fit a fuller bust, instead of a regular one that happens to come in bigger sizes. 

And before you even start with me, yes, I understand that they don't typically make fun and colorful and sexy bras in bigger sizes, but that's life... get over it. The smaller boobed girls may have the cooler bras, but we're the ones who, typically, get all the motorboat action. You win some, you lose some.

[Editor's Note: Motorboating is an actual thing??]

Now let's discuss lifespan and care. For your everyday-use bras, I think it's safe to say that after a year, they go in the trash. Please don't bother donating a worn out bra; it's pretty much the equivalent to donating clothes riddled with holes. I know that bras, especially bras designed for big boobs, tend to cost a pretty penny, and that sometimes, committing to all those dollars isn't exactly easy. But you have to see your bras as not only a necessity, but also an investment. I like to do my bra shopping once a year just to get it over with. That way, I don't have to bother thinking about spending a couple hundred dollars on bras for a whole twelve months. A bra that you don't use as often, such as a strapless, will obviously last much longer. 

All bras should ONLY be hand-washed and hung to dry. I know that you're pressed for time sometimes, and that throwing your bra in the wash is simply so much easier; believe me, I am guilty of this mortal sin as well. But if you really want your bras to perform their best and to last you, you need to put in the effort and take thew best care of them. You won't be sorry. Everyone is different, but I rarely, if ever, work up a sweat, so I wash mine roughly once a week.

Alright, guys, take this knowledge and go get yourself a proper bra or two. And if you happen to be larger than a C-cup, unless your tits are busting at the seams with silicone, don't EVER let me catch you running around without a bra. I swear to the baby Jesus, I will cut you.

Tune in tomorrow when Celia brings us everyday clothes for the BOOB-blessed.

That's right, I said it. Everyday clothes.

(Photo at top is Jane Russell, another seriously boobalicious lady.)
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p.s. Please email me your suggestions for #BOOBSWEEK (photos, shopping, motorboat stories....) I never would have made it through #pantsweek without you.

Please help me dress my boobs (the prequel)

Dear ESB,

I'm a devoted reader and sporadic commenter and while I'm an 8, mostly (my hips verge on 10), my boobs are a 14 or possibly 16. They belong to a whole different woman but happen to have ended up on my chest. 

I could write in for help with my particular situation (Brooklyn girl, suburban Chicago engagement party, hate to actually enter a store) but it's not about my request - I just really, really want you to finally write your "dresses for girls with ginormous racks" post. Please. So that I no longer try on dresses in my kitchen and burst into tears. Repeatedly.

Thank you.

*****

My Boobalicious Darling, I'll do you one better.

I'm bringing in a BOOB GODDESS, our own Celia, with not one but four guest posts. She's gonna school us on bras, everyday clothes, cocktail wear and wedding dresses for the BOOB-endowed.

Those of you with less-than-ginormo-chests might even learn a thing or two.

Up first...... Bras.


WELCOME TO #BOOBSWEEK, PEOPLE

Good Luck With Your Boobs card by Egg Press avail at Greer Chicago