I wrote in months ago asking about engagement rings under $100, and then again about how much bhldn pissed me off (which it obviously still does.) :)
Turns out, Mr. Demented-Psychotic-Ex-Boyfriend-as-soon-as-I-could-make-it-happen wanted a cheap engagement ring as a way of latching onto me for a few months and sucking my soul dry. It worked.
Lucky for me, I woke up one day smacked in the face with the realization that, despite everything I believe about love and marriage, this huge series of verbal/psychological/emotional domestic violence was not it. I ran for it. HARD.
Turns out, I was right. Mr. Demented-Psychotic-Fucking-CRAZY-NOW-IMMEDIATELY-MY-EX decided to steal all my money (which, as a bfa grad March 2011, have been working and saving for MONTHS for a move to NY,) my CAR, explode into a terrifying rage which in turn convinced me very quickly to leave my city, ruin everything I owned (laptop, cell phone, books and journals,) oh, you know, as well as my sanity for oh so, so long.
and brrreeeeaaaathe.
Things are good now.
I will be stronger because I know how to.
I will be wiser because I owe it to myelf, after letting all this happen.
I will be happier, because I choose to.
And I don't know what I'm saying except hello, and here's one hell of an update, and i don't want this to happen to other people. :(
All my love,
Lady X
*****
Oh, lady.
Do you have any advice for the four-months-ago you??
<3 <3 <3
*****
Oh shoot, ESB, isn't that a hard one?
My advice to myself four months ago?
Four months ago I needed someone to be real with me. He had moved me in with him and had gigantic, terrifying rages when I tried to spend time with other people. And he told me he loooooved me. He held me and petted me and it was a sick kind of "I keep you here because I love you," kind of thing. And because I was alone, because I was secluded, because I had nobody to bounce my sanity off of, I bought it, hook, line, and ultimate sinker.
Well, honestly, the question becomes really simple then. Four months ago, I needed someone to slap me and take me out for a drink. I needed to get into the real world, and I needed to be honest about the relationship.
Here's what I would say to myself over drinks, four months ago:
Girl. This sucks. This really sucks. Look at what you've done to your plans. This is not okay. Where is your family? Have you asked your family for their opinions? You have two experts on health and relationships right in front of you, dingbat: your parents. They're older and wiser for a reason. And your brothers and sisters aren't so bad, either. (My 9-year-old bro, Chester, was incredibly astute about it all.)
And let's Get real. This guy doesn't have a job, doesn't look for one, never claims responsibility, never lends a helping hand, never lets you see your friends, never lets you run your errands, throws fits when you wear pretty things, and gets mad when you talk to your Mom in the evening. Who does he thinks he's kidding? What fucking kind of inane behavior is that?
Question those Indescrepencies. There are loads of excuses and falsehoods being spoon fed to you right now. First of all, stop eating 'em up, and then calmly, openly, unassumedly, question them. Then, GET REAL, again. If all is well and clear, then all will be well and clear. And if it's not, then now you know. Don't worry about not knowing, NOW you do, and NOW you are responsible for the truth.
And girl, my love, Be brave enough to do something good for yourself. Being patient and "weathering the storm" is only going to cause more frustration, more investment, more of the same. You've communicated your needs in every way, and they're not being met. Leave. Leave because you know you need to, know you want to. You are strong. You are beautiful. You have a whole history of good choices to support this one. You can trust those guts, trust those years of practice you have taking care of yourself, and trust that you can create a better life than this. Go for it, baby. <3
Love love love love love love love love love eighteen million times,
Lady X
Masha Novoselova by Txema Yeste for Vogue Spain via Soph Mueller + Image Amplified
