Bridal party woes

Hi ESB, 

My wonderful fiance and I are getting married in August and when we got engaged I decided I wanted to forgo having a traditional bridal party. But now my sister and sister-in-law are upset that they're not "involved" in our wedding, and while they keep saying that it's my day and I can do what I want, I feel like they're upset I'm not having a bridal party and they're not in it. 

So, I'm thinking of having all the siblings walk down the aisle before the ceremony (a la a traditional wedding), but instead of having them stand up there with us, I was just going to have them take their seats in the front row (I'm also thinking of giving them all readings as well). This seems to have calmed them down a bit, but now my mother is saying that I should probably involve my friends in the ceremony as well. My mother is very well-meaning and I respect her opinion, but this wedding is turning into me figuring out how I can keep everyone happy and it's starting to stress me out. 

Do you think I need to try and include my friends in the ceremony if I'm now including family? And if so, do you have any good ideas as to how I can do it?

Thank you! 

- My wedding is being hijacked 

*****

People will get upset NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. And then they'll get over it.

But if you don't stand up for what you want, you don't get to whine about how your wedding is being "hijacked."

Claudio Parentela via Fashion Salad

Should the bridal party be UNIFORM?

Dear ESB,

Though my boyfriend and I are not engaged yet--we do plan on getting married soon, though--I'm looking at some ceremony deets. BF has several old friends (six or seven) who would definitely be groomsmen. I, on the other hand, have fewer close friends, many of them men, I would want to include.

How unusual is it to have uneven bridal/groom's parties? I would have four close friends but--how awful does this sound--could easily stretch it to five or six if I include some fam. I'd be happy including them but don't think it'd be fair to them if it's just for uniformity. I'm certainly not going to ask BF to cut down on his side; I know how important these fellas are to him (and me).

Two, I have four close friends, two of which are men. The feminist in me wants to make sure the ladies are rep'd, but the, well, the feminist in me doesn't want them rep'd just for the sake of it. I obviously don't feel like I should have to make many compromises on this, but a strong part of me feels weird having such uneven, underrepresented groups.

Thoughts?

*****

It's not a BOARDROOM, it's a wedding.

He asks his best friends, you ask your best friends. Boom. Done.

But wait til you're engaged, mkay?

Photo by Michal Pudelka for Atomica Mag via Claire Cottrell

Should I limit my number of bridesmaids?

Hi ESB,

I recently stumbled across your blog and I love it! I appreciate your candor and general badassishness. That being said, I have two questions for you:

I am having a simple backyard wedding with my man who I've been with for 5 years. He isn't much of a man's man, so he doesn't have a lot of guy friends to be groomsmen and I'm one of those anal people who think that the number of guys on his side should match the number of girls on mine. So far, we haven't invited anyone to be in the wedding party officially, but I have at least 4 or 5 ladies who I love and want to be a part of our wedding while he only has two guys to include. I have three brothers that could be added to his side, but I'd prefer they weren't, even though I was in their weddings. They won't mind, in fact, I think they'd rather not have to get a suit/tux and stand up front. I don't want to just throw somebody we don't care about on his side to make them equal, but I really would like our numbers to match.

The girls on my side know and love him just as well as they do me, so I could send a lady over to him, would that be weird? Or should I just limit my number of bridesmaids? I don't want to give these girls other stupid roles like candle lighting or poem reading, that just seems like a pity-invite. Am I being completely ridiculous and just let the numbers be uneven? Is 4 or 5 too many bridesmaids for a small backyard wedding? What do you think?

My second question is simpler. I love all the girls on my bridesmaid list, but none more so than another. I don't have any sisters or anyone who stands out as MOH material. Do I have to have a maid of honor? Do you have any suggestions for how to choose a MOH without offending the other girls in the bridal party?

Thanks,
Bridal Party Confused

*****

1. Yes, you are being ridiculous. And 4 or 5 is not too many bridesmaids. ELEVEN is too many bridesmaids.

2. No, you don't have to have a maid of honor.

p.s. It's actually "baddassedness." Unless you meant to imply that my badass was "ish." Which I know you didn't.

Photo by SAGA SIG via Charles Hall

Should I let my sister ruin my wedding?

Dear esb,

okay, so. I have two best friends, as in, since we were little girls bffs. I've already been moh for one, and the other is engaged (but a looong engagment, so wont even start planning until after my wedding) and has already asked me. It's all great and fine, they are my two best friends, and I would have them in my wedding even if I wasn't in theirs. But here is the problem, I also have three little sisters. I am very close to the middle one, and I really, really, want her to be in my wedding party. The youngest is only 12, so she is a bit young, I'll just put a flower in her hair and have her show the grannys to their seats or something. But the older one... sheesh. We fight all the time, we are not very close, and I really hate to say this about my own sister, but she is really, incredibly selfish. Like, to the point that she will bitch and moan about dresses, flowers, hair, and the wedding would become ALL about her. Add to the fact that I don't want four bridesmaids (it just seems too many, and too weddingy, and like such an awkward number) and I just don't know what to do

I could just have my two bffs, and none of my sisters. But then I miss out on having the sister I do want. But I can just imagine the argument when not-nice sister finds out I'm having cool sister and not her. I broached the general subject of not-nice sister maybe not being a bm, and she threatened to not even come. I think she was joking, but still. She will flip if I tell her Im having cool sister but not her. But is that a reason to have her? I don't think so? The man will have his two brothers, and then as many of his good friends as required, so I can't even use that as a way out. 

Is it rude of me to not have all my sisters? I feel absolutely terrible, but I just KNOW my sister, and I KNOW she will make it more, not less stressful. What should I do?

thankyou..

*****

I'm an only child, so the whole sister thing is completely foreign to me… But FUCK HER.

Stick a flower in her hair and give her a non-bridesmaidal job to do, just like the twelve-year-old.

Wedding planning is stressful enough when you're surrounded by your favorite people.

(Image via TOBACCO&LEATHER)

Dear ESB: I wish I had a Wedding Time Machine.

If I had a WTM, I would go back in time, and decidedly NOT ask my future sister-in-law to be my matron of honor, and I would NOT ask my future niece to be my flower girl. Then, we'd only have deal with bullshit from one member of the bridal party, my future brother-in-law, whom I know my fiance would still ask to be in the wedding, even if he had a WTM, because asshole or not, my future brother-in-law is still my fiance's only brother in the world, and even though he's being a jerk, his presence matters to my fiance.

If I had this magical WTM, I'd have had the wedding a year ago in Chicago, when we still lived there, instead of choosing to have it at my parents house in Ohio, because maybe then my parents wouldn't feel obligated to pay for the accommodations of my fiance's irresponsible parents, and equally irresponsible brother and sister-in-law.

Alternatively, I'd have used it to just go back a month ago, when his brother and sister-in-law sat us down and said they weren't sure they could even come to the wedding now, which is less than two months away, let alone be in it--and instead of offering to pay for their dress and tux, I'd have said, "That's ok; I understand." And then I wouldn't have to worry about it at all.

I'd definitely go back to three weeks ago, when I received a random email; a flight itinerary forwarded to me, no explanation, saying the best man and groom's parents weren't arriving until midnight the night before the wedding. And instead of being upset that the best man was missing the wedding rehearsal, and being pissed off at his parents for choosing THIS charming way of letting us know that my parents would need to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and getting them to switch it so they could all come in on time, I'd have realized the universe was doing me a favor, and let it all go.

Or maybe I'd just go back to April, when we moved to this wretched place. Instead of deciding we should get married in September, I'd opt to wait another year and start my planning early, so I could realize that deep down, I actually did want green and black as my colors, and not what we've chosen, that I didn't want my future sister-in-law and her daughter in the wedding, that my parents would take on a big burden, and his would let us down monumentally. Oh, and that I like peonies better than calla lillies, which are in season in the spring and not fall.

I would definitely go back and reconsider asking my parents to host the wedding at all, taking into consideration the fact that I have known them for 31 years now, and therefore should have known that nothing is ever easy with them; and then they wouldn't be spending all of this money to landscape and improve the property and house that I thought was just beautiful as it already was.

Actually, maybe we should have just eloped, and let my folks have a party for us back at home for our local friends and family like they originally suggested, and then we could have had a party here, in this wretched place, but at least gotten to use my grandmother's silver rimmed punch bowl, and my great grandmother's green cake stand.

F*ing hindsight. F*ing lack of a WTM.

Thanks. And let me know if you see a time machine on etsy.

*****

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lady.

The good news is, very soon you will be MARRIED. And that's the only thing that really matters.

(Photo by Jason Bright via Fecal Face via TOBACCO&LEATHER)

Sacking the Bridal Party

 Dear ESB

We cancelled our destination wedding after nearly having a mental breakdown trying to organise the silly thing. Fair enough since we had just bought our own business at the time and were trying to learn to work together and run a business, never mind organizing a wedding as well. So even though the 'saves the dates' had been sent and I felt like a knob, I told the 85 people that RSVP'd that their little holiday to Thailand was postponed - indefinitely.

That was 4 years ago. At the time, my partner and I asked 3 people each to be our attendants (and we have been attendants at their weddings). Now, I'm still friends with all of the people, just not to the same degree and I only want one of them next to me on my big day. Fickle I know. But over the years our needs have toned down and that's the reality of my feelings.

So how do I tell our bridal party that they have been given the flick from our new and improved wedding?

from the new and improved fuss free bride.
x

*****

Dear FFB,

Hey, at least you're not replacing the sacked members of your bridal party with new-and-improved versions. That would be fickle.

Just tell em the truth. Or...part of the truth. You're four years older, you're throwing a different wedding, and you've simply decided to simplify.

xoxo,
ESB

(Image via YIMMY'S YAYO)

Dear ESB: Our siblings SUCK

My fiancee and I have terrible siblings. We don't want them in our wedding parties. Tradition says we have to. As husband-elect, I feel it's my duty to maintain the peace between our merging families. My fiancee and I don't want my sister (who is 2.5 years older than me and has been living with her boyfriend longer than I have been dating my fiancee so she's already pissed her little brother is getting married first) as a bridesmaid; she's controlling, mean, belittling, and downright unpleasant. My brother-in-law-to-be is married with two kids and one on the way and could give as much of a shit about being in the wedding as he does about my fiancee and I. Is there a way we can keep the peace and honor them or appease them in some way but keep them out of our wedding parties? I know it's our day, etc, but a full-on snub would result in years of grudges and hurt feelings. What can we do?

*****

First of all, fuck tradition.

Does your older sister really want to pal around with your fiancée and feign interest in centerpieces and (god forbid) help plan the bachelorette party? Of course not. Her feelings will be hurt for two hours tops before she realizes how lucky she is not to have to wear the damn dress.

And you already said your brother-in-law won't give a shit.

So who actually does give a shit here? The moms?

I would say give each of your siblings some other role in the ceremony. Ask em to read a poem/light a candle/play the flute. Whatever. But if they really suck that much...

(diamond dog shot by a desert fete on her sweet old minolta)