Please help me not murder a bridesmaid!

Dear ESB, 

Your blog is my first stop in the morning every day, and I love it to bits. I never thought I'd be writing to you, but 1.5 months before my wedding, here I am! (Yay?) I am severely in need of some candor, even if it means getting bitchslapped across the face with the truth of my idiocy. So, without further ado, here's the sitch. I'm sorry it's so long!

So, my best friend (we'll call her Jane) is a bridesmaid in my wedding. I didn't name her the MoH because I was worried she wouldn't be great at helping with stuff (boy was I right), so I just didn't choose one.

Our friendship has always been really easy and fun, we were roommates for a few years, and have done a good job staying in touch and visiting and everything. There are three things that she's done (or rather not done) that make me really sad and kind of angry, and one thing that makes me livid. Also, please keep in mind I have very specifically never asked her to do anything, so I don't think I'm really expecting too much, but maybe I am?

Thing 1: Jane offered to help out with the flowers for the wedding because she studied plants in college, works in the field, knows pretty much everything about plants ever, and said she had a lot of fun doing the flowers for her aunt's wedding.

I thought "great." We had a really fun afternoon in October looking at pictures, and her making a list of things I liked (most of which I didn't know the names of). I decided on a few flowers, turns out I have really weird taste in flowers, so they're not really ones you can pick up at the florist. My mom offered to plant said flowers, as long as the flowers can survive and bloom and such in my mom's shady yard in MN.

I ask Jane about that, and she says she'll find out. For her this should be a relatively simple task, for me it would require hours of googling as I have a black thumb and know nothing about plants, except how to kill them. Months go by, nothing. I ask occasionally, she says "Oh yeah, I'll do that." She doesn't. I start to remind her regularly. Finally it gets to be planting season in MN, and she still hasn't done it. She only does it when I say "I need this info by tomorrow, if not, fine, I can do it myself, but I need to know if I need to do that." Finally she gives me the info, and the only reason it's not too late is that MN decided to stay a frozen tundra longer than usual.

Thing 2: I told my bridesmaids in January that they could pick out their own dresses as long as it was in a certain spectrum of blue (not super strict about that though), that they not wear something slutty (not really a problem, but better safe than sorry), and that they send me pictures of their dresses so I can give it my seal of approval. Jane says right away that she has two dresses that might work, I say great, send me pictures.

She waits until May to even show me her dresses, and both of them are terrible and neither are at all appropriate for a wedding, especially not as a bridesmaid. This is exactly like what she's wearing [1] , only it's from Gap, not Old Navy. Never mind that she doesn't even look very good in it, but WTF. I decide to let that one go because I DID say "pick your own," and she's always worried about money and I didn't want to hurt her feelings or tell her she needs to spend money on a dress. But I am very hurt that she literally pulled a crappy dress from her t-shirt drawer to wear at my wedding, when she knows that my other ladies are getting dresses from Modcloth, Nordstrom and Little Borrowed Dress.

Thing 3: She offered to help my other BM, Kate, plan my bachelorette party. I made it clear that it was absolutely not required to have a party, but should they choose to throw one, I wanted to do zero planning because I'm planning a destination wedding and a reception for local friends and family. Of course she does nothing to help Kate, who is helpful beyond belief, despite the fact that she's in med school, and literally started year three yesterday.

She makes a few suggestions, but her suggestions seem to be more focused on making it easier/cheaper for her to attend, than for me to have a nice time. (Her suggestions: "Let's all have a sleepover on the floor of my apartment" -- she lives in Boston, three of us are in CT, two in NY. Also she lives with 4 other people and their house is disgusting; and "I'll make brunch instead of going out" -- she's a terrible cook and has never cooked for a group before (that I know of).)

Because of this I have ended up helping Kate plan large chunks of my bachelorette, which Kate feels bad about (but I said that I would feel super bad if she planned it on her own while in med school).

Thing 4: I was planning on driving to MN early, for the wedding, and asked Jane over a year ago if she would like to come with me since I went on a moving related road trip with her before and it was pretty fun.* The only caveat was that she needed to learn how to drive stick shift since that's what my car is. I also thought it would be nice to ask her since she's always concerned about money, and this way all she'd have to pay for is her share of lodging for the wedding. (We gave her and some other friends money to help with travel, and I believe the money we gave her fully covers her flight back.) She agreed. Fast forward to about two months ago -- she still has never learned stickshift. Keep in mind her boyfriend, who she lives with, has a stickshift car. I start getting nervous and start reminding her.

*Fun, but also I paid for half the trip and my plane ticket home and she never paid me back, which at the time I was willing to shrug off, but now...

Also, since Feb. she has gone through several jobs, and keeps saying she's not sure she'll be able to get time off, despite the fact that she knew when she agreed to drive with me she'd probably have a new job. I start reminding her weekly about learning stick and getting time off. Finally last week she says she has gotten the time off, which is great, but she still hasn't learned stick. My fiancé and mom say to give her a deadline and if she doesn't meet it, make other plans.

I call her yesterday, to say she has a week (we're literally leaving a week from today), and she starts making excuses about how busy she is. What she's busy with, I have no idea, she's definitely much less busy than any of my other bridesmaids. The conversation gets kind of awkward, because I have to bring up that I'm stressed out, and basically think she's going to flake out, which I didn't want to have to do. She says she will "get on it." Last night she calls back to let me know that she has a new job, which is great, but that she won't be able to take time off to drive with me, but still plans on coming.

At this point I fully expect her to flake out and just not come to the wedding, which would make me happier. All of these things are bad, but the reason the last one is so bad, is because her flaking out looks like it's going to cost me either my honeymoon, or at least $1000.

The problem, is that my FH and I need a car to drive back to CT, because we were going to take a road trip mini-honeymoon. Here are the options as I see them:

1. I drive out alone. It gives me a little more time, but it also means I have to close my business (sole owner) for longer. Also the thought of driving cross country alone makes me nervous for all the obvious reasons.

2. Fly out, Rent a car. This looks like it will cost us a minimum of $900, because we will be returning the car in a different state.

3. Fly out, buy a used car. My FH and I are looking to move, so at some point I WILL need a car, but we're also trying to buy land right now, so we kind of need that money for the land.

4. My FH drives out in our car. He is more pro this option, but if he wants to do it without taking more time off (he's already past his limit) he will have to drive for 24 hours straight without stopping if he wants to arrive more than 24 hours before the wedding. Also it burns a plane ticket. 

5. Forget the road trip, everyone flys. Since there are no plane tickets to Mexico or anything involved, I will be able to get most of the money back, but there goes the honeymoon.

What should I do? How do I even discuss this with Jane, who appears to be completely oblivious to all of this? I want to say something because if I continue to hold it in, it will just eat away with me, but I don't want to deal with a ton of drama either. I just really need a different perspective.

Sincerely,

Miss Scarlet, in the Library, with the Tastefully Arranged Centerpieces

*****

You knew she wouldn't be good at helping with stuff, AND NOW YOU ARE MAD AT HER FOR NOT HELPING WITH STUFF.

Also: Girlfriend is clearly broke. Like, reeeeeeeeeally broke. She's gone through several jobs since February, she has no doubt been sitting on her couch wallowing (wearing crappy Gap clothes she's had since high school), and how is her relationship with that boyfriend (who very likely doesn't want to let her drive his car)? Have you even asked?? Maybe you should open your discussion with an apology for being self-centered.

#3. Suck it up and rent a car. Canceling your honeymoon because you are furious with your bridesmaid is what we in the business call cutting off your nose to spite your face.


PISS (off) by Ellen Jong via Emmas Designblogg

Seeking Sage Advice on Bridezillas and Feeling Like A Shitty Friend

Dear East Side Bride,

I'm in a bit of a conundrum as we speak. Currently, I am set to be one of two MOH's at my friend's wedding.

A little background -- we have been friends for 14 years -- close at times and distant at others -- she is one of my oldest friends. About a year and a half ago, she started dating her now fiance and truth be told, just because of the different things we were going through at the time, we weren't particularly close. Fast forward a few months later, they're engaged, I still don't see her too much and really don't know him very well and can count the number of times I've seen him on one hand throughout their whole whirlwind relationship.

This girl is no low-maintenance bride. When she originally asked me to be a bridesmaid, I knew they would be getting married in Mexico, and no other ceremony had been planned. What started out as a simple destination wedding has turned into a full-blown circus involving TWO full blown weddings --one smack in the middle of Labour Day weekend (of which none of us bridesmaids had been consulted as to whether we will be in town/ available for, but we are all expected to help set-up), a secondary "symbolic" wedding in Mexico a few months later, not to mention multiple out of town day trips in order to find her two wedding dresses, our bridesmaids dresses AND taking a day off of work to do alterations two hours from where we live (We live in a very cosmopolitan city and this girl isn't getting any special deals/special connections to justify doing them so far away).

I've been in a handful of weddings and have plenty of girlfriends who've gotten married, but this is by far the most high maintenance bride I've ever dealt with. Which usually, I would say is fine -- if you like what you like and know what you want and are adamant about it and honest from the get-go, then by all means, go for it. Problem is, she tries to mask her bossiness by asking our opinions AFTER she's already made up her mind about something, and if your opinion goes contrary to what she wants, she claims she's "Pulling out the bride card." Truth be told, she pulled out the bride card the second that engagement ring went on her finger.

I'm not particularly close with the other MOH and bridesmaid, so I have no idea if they're thinking the same thing. Part of me feels like a shitty friend for thinking all these things, especially since the other two are seemingly going on with everything with no muss or fuss, like, Maybe I'M the crazy one. My friend is getting married, I'm supposed to be happy for her -- instead I find myself dreading every wedding-related conversation.

Fast forward to the present day. I am currently going through a difficult time where I've broken up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years, and I'm not feeling particularly supported by her as a friend. When I informed her of my situation with my boyfriend, she exclaimed "Hallelujah! Did you tell your family, are they going to throw you a party?" (A little background on MY relationship -- he's a lovely man, we love each other very much. However, he's been in a place for some time where he has a lot on his plate where it doesn't allow for much to be put into our own relationship and we've only admitted such to ourselves recently.)

The last time I spoke to her about my relationship I mistakenly told them about a particularly reckless period in Lovely Man's life (when he was much younger and years before we met). She and her girlfriend ganged up on me and kept asking "Are you sure he's not cheating on you? How do you know he's not like that anymore?!? Are you SURE about that? How do you KNOW?" I'd like to point out that this is no more than 30 minutes after my own bridezilla friend admitted she has such vivid dreams of her fiance cheating on her, she is convinced they're real and will call him upon waking up,  accusing him of infidelity. And what did I do as she told me this? I politely smiled, lent a sympathetic ear and exclaimed "that's AWFUL!" without flaming out any accusatory questions or statements.

At this point in time, I can't help but dwell upon the fact that I've signed on to invest a lot of time and money into making her happy, yet she can't seem to grasp the basics of Friendship 101 with me. While not all of her demands are completely outlandish, I feel like this has been the straw that broke the camel's back because here I am jumping through hoops for this girl like a goddamn circus monkey, and she keeps trivializing what has been the most important relationship of my life.

So what do I do? Do I bite the bullet, put up with her outlandish demands for another few months, or do I attempt to bow out gracefully, knowing full on that this will definitely affect and potentially end our friendship?

Signed,
Feeling-Like-The-Maid-Of-Dishonor

*****

I know you're writing to ask my permission to bow the fuck out, and here it is....








BOW THE FUCK OUT

Life's too short.


Michal Pudelka for Anonym Magazine

Help! Future Sister-in-Law Wants Us to Postpone

Hey ESB,

My fiance's older sister has asked us to postpone our April wedding in Virginia. After a two year engagement, she decided to get married in July in California. 

When we told our families that we had finally found a venue and a date, she responded via text: "i am respectfuly [sic] am asking you to move ur wedding. its [sic] my time to shine. i only plan on getting married once."

Now what?
--already frustrated and haven't even sent save the dates 

*****

I know you want me to say FUCK HER, but the truth is this woman may well be in your life for the next 40+ years. If you don't push back your wedding, she will never let you forget it. Ever.

Be the bigger person. Get married in the fall.

Clémence Poésy by Corran Brownlee for the lab magazine

Longest email correspondence in the history of ever about Toms and why you have to wear them in my wedding

from:    K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

to:      eastsidebride@gmail.com

date:    Thu, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:45 PM

subject: Fwd: Shoes dress

If you post these, please leave the names out.

Thanks - Oh, and there's a Part 2 to this.

After she insults my choice in this email, she sent another where she contacts Toms customer service to inquire about returning the shoes, before I even see anything.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 5:39 AM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

Hi K…. I think the dress is awesome I need to have mine altered I obviously had it measured and fitted for me but I mean you know it is the standard size so I have to have it fitted down to fit perfectly so that it looks awesome or even awesomeror if that even is a word but it is great. I'm however worried I don't think that the shoes do it justice at all in fact even detract from how nice it is...

I took the shoes in with me when I picked up my dress and all the ladies at the bridal shop both young and old said that if you really wanted to wear those shoes with that dress you should really be above the knee at the very least because this shoes are so overpowering. On the bright side they are the right color navy which is very hard to do. But for a dress so beautiful they showed me a zillion options not because they were trying to sell them just because its better to have a very low Garden heel that is very thick and easy to walk on that looks very much like a sandal or even no heel at all and just go with the sandal that's elegant or whatever and just use those at the end of the night, they suggested.

Hope this makes sense I used dragon dictation during my commute!

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 10:12 AM, Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

Hey Vixx -

I'm happy that you like the dress! I have to ask, does it fall below the knee? Because I thought that it was supposed to be knee length. The look I was going for with the bridesmaids is similar to the attached pictures, most of which have knee length dresses with the Toms shoes. Could you send me a picture of you in the dress with the shoes so that I can get a better idea of the look. It might help me understand where the concerns and to decide if changing all of the shoes is the better option. Understand that the shoes may not be able to be returned and the money we spent on them as a gift and for achieving the look is something I was hoping wouldn't be an issue.

Please send a picture so that I can get a better idea of what's going on (it is hard to plan these things with everyone so far away). Also, I've attached some pictures to help you see the unconventional/quirky cute that reflects who I am. Hopefully it gives you a comparison for dress length? I was hoping for at the knee to just above the knee but I really don't know what the dress looks like in chiffon so that might change things. 

Also, as I said before, you're welcome to dress up the canvas shoes however you would like in order to make it your own... (there's a picture for that as well)

Love ya!

Kxxxxx

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 12:59 PM

Subject: Re: Shoes dress

To: K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It hits right at where the picture shows it hits: http://www.bestbridalprices.com/jasmine-b2-maternity-bridesmaid-dresses-style-b3085-p-81774.html?cPath=1131&designers=80

So, if you wanted it above knee, it'll definitely have to be hemmed...be a good 4 inches at least....chiffon will cost more to hem & there is an underskirt that is like a ruffled/poofy underlayer to give it a tiny big of volume (undetectable, it's just so that the chiffon doesn't do a cling-wrap thing to you, but if you hem it up too far that stuff might actually fling out and around like an 80s madonna like a virgin style...

I understand about not wanting to sacrifice the shoes, they aren't cheap, they were a gift to everyone, I LOVE tom's mission & what the company does and I am definitely going to wear them A LOT! at the same time...i can't force a fake "ya, um, they look okay" just to make them fit the bill for your wedding.  you want everything in your wedding to look be and feel spectacular and years from now when you look at pictures of all of us you might wonder who picked out the bridesmaid's boat shoes for the middle of the summer with that kind of dress... not trying to be mean, just trying to be ridiculously honest - something I just do...because that's no only what you might think years from now when you look at photos, that's what all the guests are actually going to be thinking and we're all gonna say "kxxx made us wear these" lol!

But, going back to the shoes.... we can definitely dress them up- to match the dress, the wedding, each other, etc...i have LIMITLESS ideas when it comes to this stuff... i'm a craft magician...and I don't mean, let's giltter glue them....i can make shoes that princess kate would mistake for a royal hat for her head! kentucky derby shoes? ever hear of them? well, i might just invent them... it would be amazing to put a white/cream color rosette on each shoe (not too big) and then have a feather or two in an arrangement wrapping out from and around to frame the shoe, maybe with a few other exquisite details, subtle, but exquisite.  In a way, it wuold be a metaphor for rags to riches and they'd also be going from (in a sense) something old to something new and of course, they are already blue... if you have while ones, we could decorate the same style-ish (or a mirror/suggestive) with a blue flower/feathers - essence of peacock?  that'd be awesome under your long dress...the devil is in the details...

I think the biggest problem with the shoe style itself is not that they are canvas flats, it's that they are like a FULL coverage boat shoe canvas flat.  I went to the website and saw the ballet flats style ones...you maybe could pass better with those - is it possible to do an exchange?  If it's too much of a hassle, then forget about it.  I also think it may have been better to not try to match the dress with a shoe like that and instead either go for something seriously neutral so that it's not overpowering (so you have to back that dress up), OR, go with something quirky and totally different altogether that simply says, yes! I DID pick out these fun, nontraditional shoes and they are SO different I want to showcase them, see how you can't help but look back and forth at my dress because you don't know *which* one is cooler????  Instead, the full coverage navy canvas shoe with the just below the knee dress kind of promotes a blind spot and not only do they not do the dress justice, they kind of overpower it.  

I hate to tell you all this stuff because you have so much to plan & so much stuff going on & I'm hoping everything is going easily otherwise!! I just think when you put these altogether, you might regret it later on if not right away.  I'll try to get xxx to get a picture of me in the dress with the shoes, but he keeps laughing at me and so do the kids (they call them granny shoes) and it's embarrassing and I KNOW you put everything on facebook (which i don't even have btw!!).   

In shrubbery: 

1.) the dress is SPECTACULAR as is- I definitely dont think we should hem it on account of those shoes - or ANY shoes!! the length is perfect! it's perfect! i was skeptical, but not i'm completely thrilled with it!!!

2.) the shoes are the frog to the princess dress.  i love the shoes on their own and will wear them all the time for other reasons if we dont nd up using them for this wedding.  if it's possible to exchange them without too much hassle, we should look into that versus having to hem the dress.  the chiffon and the underliner of the dress may prove more of a hassle to hem then exchanging tom's shoes.  nevertheless, if you still want to use those shoes, you MUST BELIEVE and TRUST FULLY, that I can come up with a MASTERPIECE for all of our shoes that might very likely make it into an art museum.  If you're willing to go that route, I'd be willing to help out with all the girls' shoes so that the design is consistent.  I know you haven't seen the sewing/craft/home decor/costume work that i've done for my paying clients, but I can assure you that you will be blown away!!!

*****

from:     K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

to:       eastsidebride@gmail.com

date:     Thu, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:49 PM

subject:  Shoes and Dress Part 2

Here is the Part 2: where she sends the conversation between her and the Toms representative.

Again, no names when posting please! Thanks!

But yeah, I need to vent - I'm angry that 1) she's being stubborn and won't send a photo and 2) she flat out insults my choice in an attempt to bully me into what she wants.

By the way, this is my sister.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 1:51 PM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   wrote:

Hi Kxxxxx- I just went on the Tom's website & chatted live w/ a customer service rep regarding returns/exchanges JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW IT'S A POSSIBLILITY THAT I AM WILLING TO COORDINATE FOR YOU - please don't feel pressured- I'm just trying to help & letting you know I'm willing to coordingate this if this is what the girls want to do... just in case all the girls want to do this.. Please don't feel pressured - I'm only trying to help so I'm pasting the chat conversation below so you can see exactly what the option for exchange/return is as a viable route:

[Sparing you an excruciatingly boring chat with the TOMS Customer Happiness Team.]

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:04 PM, K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

The other two girls love their shoes. and I love mine and Dxxxxx loves them on me with my dress. I know you don't like them, but if you're not even giving my style a chance and I hate to say it, but it's my wedding and my vision and I'm getting insulted by these emails.

Give me a chance to think about things because it was one of the things I really wanted for my wedding - a decision I made months ago (actually I was originally going to wear my Chuck Taylors but opted for the ivory Toms). They are not your style, I understand - but they are MY style. Please stop trying to force me into this decision because it's not your taste.

And please send a picture so that I can see and decide for myself. Thanks.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:02 PM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  wrote:

of course they look good with the wedding dress, tons of brides wear with long dresses with comfortable shoes because with a long dress you don't see the shoes anyway. lol.  

i'm glad the other girls like their shoes with their dresses when they tried them on.  it's funny mine took soo long to arrive at the bridal shop though- they seem to have gotten their dresses pretty quickly as I thought i was the first to order the dress - remember when we thought the navy color was different & you had to let the others know? oh well. 

in any case, you asked me for my opinion about the shoes, about the dress, and about the shoes AND the dress and i took the time to give you an honest answer. 

i'm sorry you feel insulted by my honest response and additionally by my suggestions for possible back-up plans in case the other girls had any of the same feelings as i thought an honest explanation, followed an offer to help in contingency options if needed was far better than simply stating "the shoes on their own are great, but put it with the dress and you get that 'just got out of the locker room at penn state; navy towel wrapped around & blue cozy slippers' look; you just need a navy turbie twist for the hair!".   i certainly was not just going lie and say something like; "oh ya, i just love them, they're wicked cute...they're gonna be so comfortable...and they look so good".  Sorry, but that would be a blatant lie and I just can't say that.  I expect that when i ask someone for an honest opinion in my life that i think i can trust they could give me an honest answer - that's why I ask for their opinion in the first place.

OF COURSE it's your wedding Kxxx and it is and has been your vision. please don't get/stay defensive and emotional or misinterpret my feedback:  i'm not trying to force you to do anything- you merely asked my opinion, and i gave you my truthful answer along with further explanation, in earnest.  if you don't like my opinion, simply don't ask me for my opinion. 

it's your wedding, you should have what you want, your style, your vision, the other girls should also have what they want and love.  i'm totally happy for you and with all that and as long as you are happy that's all that matters.. if you really already know everything you want for your wedding and planned these shoes as your "vision" long ago, then why even ask??   it seems your decision has been made and you don't need a picture from me that would help you decide anyway.  in any case, since the other girls already love their shoes with their dress and are also convinced they are great, i'm sure they'll have much more fun sending pictures back & forth with you as I have very limited time and I dont even have a facebook account... you can all decide among yourselves - i'll do whatever you want - it's your wedding.  but, please don't ask me for my opinions anymore: just keep me in the loop. thanks!

On Jul 10, 2012, at 7:59 PM, Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

V  -

It's not that I was insulted because of the options you gave - It seemed parts of your email contained failed contempt where you called them "granny" and "boat" shoes. I was also insulted when you told me you couldn't send a picture because xxx and the boys were laughing at you, making fun of you due to the combination of shoes/dress that I chose. I know they are not your style, and you can give me your opinion - but there is a better way to do so than through insults.

I definitely did not appreciate that you contacted Toms about their return/exchange policy before I could even make a decision. I have to look at the wedding from a whole perspective and one pair of shoes that might not be your favorite may fit into the theme. The girls love the shoes; however, they do not have their dresses yet to try them on so I (and they) are curious as to how they look. It would help me decide whether or not to change the shoe color/fabric etc. if I could see what it looks like.

I can tell by your emails that you do not like the combination, but I don't know whether or I not I like it without seeing it. You could have been more tactful in how you approached telling me your opinion, you were very hurtful and it upset me quite a bit.

I am asking that you send a picture so that I can make a decision and so that we are not making last minute changes. I've been planning this wedding with people long distance for months. You have no idea how difficult it is to coordinate long distance with no one locally to help. Since you are the only person who has seen the combination, getting back feedback that basically says "you did a shitty job and you suck at planning your own wedding and your taste level is sub-par" is extremely hurtful and in no way helps me continue to plan this wedding or make a final decision on this matter.

If I had a picture, I might completely agree with you - I am counting on my bridesmaids to help me out with this; but I cannot not blindly have decisions made long-distance. It's been stressful enough getting all the information out. If you are unwilling to send a picture than I am at a loss and might have to go with the original shoe especially if the other girls don't receive their dresses until much later. At which point, I won't be able to change anything. So it's not just keeping you in the loop - I need your help and snide opinions aside, it would be helpful if I could see what it looks like.

If you could please send a picture, I would appreciate it. It would be keeping me "in the loop". Thanks!

Kxxxx

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 8:14 PM

Subject: Re: Tom's Shoes Online chat re: returns/exchanges - option for ya! :)

To: Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kxxxxx, my opinion on what the shoes look like with the dress have no bearing on how you are planning your wedding overall.  I think you are overreacting quite hastily and rudely to my feedback and taking it way too personally and in turn taking it way out of context and beginning to implicate every other aspect of your wedding planning. Im not lying when the boys said "boat" and "granny" to describe the shoes and I won't apologize for their comments either nor my honest opinion about the shoes with the dress as they nor I were not trying to make insults either, merely observations of what the shoes looked like to them because we are ALL entitled to our own opinions.  I get it Kxxxxx- it's your style, not mine, not th bridal shops, not the boys, nor xxxs, nobodys, its yours- u are unique- that's perfectly fine!!! Again though, If you don't want to hear my opinion then don't ask for it and if you ask me for my opinion and you don't agree with it don't FLIP out against me and every aspect of your wedding planning and style and who knows what's next...

Im not sorry for my own opinions, that would be dishonest, but I am sorry that all of my communication you feel you need to perceive as insult and it is really unhealthy.  I'm quite shocked that you are upset that I contacted Tom's:it was only a preliminary inquiry to find out how difficult any kind of an exchange *might* be *if* we needed to go down that route after you expressed it would be a hassle for u at this point my only intent was to try to take some load off your shoulders: I did not give them your name nor any other details that would have related Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx's order to the purchases made at Tom's therefore it still stands as a simple general inquiry to their general process.  I still see no harm in that- again, u need to understand that I made no decision for you, only provided you with additional information to HELP you make YOUR OWN choice.  If you want to choose to be upset about that, then you are overreacting and turning this entire situation into something it certainly isn't just because you're mad that I don't like the shoes. So what. Get over it- I'm the one that has to wear them not you.

*****

APPAREL FOR YOUR WEDDING DOES NOT COUNT AS A BRIDESMAIDS GIFT. 

Also: Toms suck.

Do you even read this blog??

FOTB Bars BM's Date From Wedding Venue

Dear ESB,

So I've read pages and pages of your blog looking for the answer to my situation and been hoping that the issue might pop up at some point, but yeahh, it hasn't, so here goes!

As a bridesmaid at a wedding in May I had been told way back last summer that if I happened to be dating anyone by the time the wedding rolled around that it would have to have been for 6 months or longer or dude wouldn't be invited. Of course last summer that was no problem. I also understood: budget, venue capacities etc. Fine.

Fast forward to three months before the wedding (and well past the statute of limitations on my dating life plus wedding invite) and I'm giddily and happily dating a wonderful man. Of course he can't come to the wedding and the reception, I'm still all good with that, but at the second shower for the bride I learn that all other bridesmaids have a) parents invited (mine aren't) b) significant others of some sort also invited. Now I'm getting a little perplexed as to why I'd not be allowed an extra invite, so when everyone has left the shower and it's just the MOH (friend of over 10 years) and myself cleaning up I decide to feel out the situation and see if the bride (also a friend of over 10 years) would be cool with bf coming for just the dancing/drinking/party part of the night, after all the old people have left. She thinks there probably wouldn't be an issue with it, but that I should really ask the bride.

Cut to the next day and awful email from MOH saying I'm being rude, presumptuous, disrespectful towards bride and her family's wishes that not all dates be invited and how dare I have the audacity to suggest bf should come for the party. She, after all, was a MOH for another bride when she had just started dating her guy then and would NEVER have dreamed of asking if he could come even though the bride did eventually extend an invite for him to come.

The subject was dropped. I never mentioned it again to the MOH and never asked the bride if bf could come since I suspected that the MOH's response was actually from the bride. Instead I waited until the day of the wedding while we were dropping our stuff off at the hotel to mention to the bride that bf was going to be picking me up from the reception that night and he'd probably have a dance with me before he helped me bring my stuff to the car. OH NO, this was not acceptable. Didn't I know that admittance to the wedding/reception venue was paid on a per person basis by her parents!? She'd have to check with mommy to see if it was okay for him to be there... not eating dinner (thereby not costing them anything), having a dance with me and helping me bring my stuff to the car. The bride knew for several months that I was a) not staying at the hotel and b) that my guy would be picking me up to drive me home.

An hour before the ceremony mommy dearest pulls me aside and informs me that my guy was not allowed to be there, and I was not the only guest who could not have their significant other at the party and that's just the way it was going to be and I had better pull myself together for the ceremony. I politely informed her that unlike the other guests who could not have their significant others at the party mine was my safe and sober ride home for the evening since I lived around the corner and wasn't staying at the hotel where the shuttle was taking everyone else, so he would be arriving at the venue at some point anyways to pick me up. Her response: "Well, I'm sure the venue will have locked the front doors by then anyways." Right lady. And all the smokers are NOT gonna come back in to your daughter's wedding?

10 pm rolls around, there are 30 out of 140 guests left at the party and I'm feeling even more annoyed about my guy not being allowed in. Then around midnight one of the groomsmen comes in from smoking and says that there's a guy in the parking lot asking for me because why? Oh yes, bride's father is stationed at the door and won't let him step foot in the building.

Since the wedding I've seen the bride once, next morning brunch at the hotel. I've also received two group emails from the bride: one informing all acquaintances of their newly purchased home, the second to all the bridesmaids saying how great it is that she's seen most of them since the wedding and how nothing has changed since she's gotten married and how excited she is to go on her honeymoon the next day. I respond excitedly to both emails, congratulate her, say I'm looking forward to seeing some pictures from her trip etc.

The clincher for me: I work in the wedding industry. It's a lot of fun. Very soon I'm working at the EXACT same venue my friend was married at. An email from the couple for this wedding informed me that not only were they considering me a guest and giving me a spot at a table and inviting me to stay and party with them, but they were also extending the invite for my guy to be part of the day right from the ceremony, through to the reception: dinner, drinks and dancing. They've never met my guy and I would never dream of asking a client if my bf could also come along.

I thanked this couple profusely and told them how very awesome they are. It's not something I would've expected or even anticipated since they're paying me to be there, and THAT'S where the problem lies for me: my good friend (and her family) of over a decade causes a stink about my guy even stepping into the venue at a party I had to pay for the privilege to be part of where he wasn't going to consume a single thing they would've paid for, and here's a couple I've known for only a few months who are paying me to be part of their day wanting to include my guy.

I had already felt like I needed to have a serious talk with my friend when she got back from her honeymoon, but now part of me is saying "Just F&#* it and leave it alone," while the other part feels like I REALLY want to tell her to F&@* off. What do I do!? Move on from the friendship since I'm not feeling the love? Call her up and have it out? Part of me feels like it's not worth it, but the other part doesn't want to toss out the friendship.

*****

Don't toss the friendship. I have a feeling this woman just TEMPORARILY LOST HER BRIDEZILLA MIND. With a lot of help from her parents.

Why not tell her the story about your rad clients and confide that the whole sitch with her wedding/your boyfriend really hurt your feelings? (Or you could simply show her this post.)

NOTE TO BRIDES/BRIDEZILLAS/GROOMS/PARENTS: Don't forget you want your guests + the bridal party to have fucking fun at the wedding. It's not *all* about you.

Photo: Benjamin Dukhan by Thomas Lohr for Under The Influence via Fucking Young!