Marriage is no walk in the park (the follow up)

Dear ESB,

you may or may not remember me from my looooooooong e-mails full of problems. :)

Like this one and the more dramatic...

Now I will keep it short and just say: thank you! 

When my marriage ended (because it did end) and I was too ashamed to talk about it to anyone in real life, you and your readers gave me the push I needed to take action. Or not to take action. I let go... Because you can not be married to a person that doesn't want to be married. All my thoughts about marriage were about "making things work even when it's really really hard" and "being there no matter what." So I felt like a complete failure in marriage. But slowly but surely I don't anymore. Because marriage does not mean hanging on to my husband when he was so unhappy and desperate to get out. So... I let him go before things got out of hand. 

Now I can think of our wedding day as one of the most beautiful days of my life. We tried, but it didn't work out. And that's really sad and really hard. But also real life.

Thank you again for your spot on advice. 

X

*****

xoxoXXXXX


Image from "Skeletons in the Closet" by Klaus Pichler via kidchamp. If you're into taxidermy (and who is not into taxidermy??) you can see more over here.

what do you do with your wedding rings when you split up?

my husband and I were married september 2011, and the last day of our honeymoon was the first day of our difficulties, which i won't bore you with.

short end of the story is he turned out to be an alcoholic.

so.

currently my rings are sitting on my desk at work (a safe place don't worry!)

do i give them back? keep them forever? throw them in the sea?

also, i was a bad bride who never sent out all the thank you cards, mostly because things were getting worse from the minute we got back from honeymoon (this had a plus side since i didn't feel comfortable doing all the joint bank account stuff we'd planned... and now all my own money is safe etc..) anyway. i haven't sent out thank yous, and i feel embarrassed by this.

should i just chuck the rings and let the thank you cards go??

yours,
apparently ungrateful, soon to be divorced wifey :(

*****

The sea should be reserved for items you want to memorialize. Your grandmother's ashes. Goose's dogtags.

Sell the rings or melt them down or whatever and go out for a kick ass meal.

As for the thank you cards.... I wish I could tell you to just let em go, but those suckers will nag at you forever. Try to muster the strength to write notes to your friends and fam. "Thank you for the terrific chef's knife, which I am now using to cook for myself!" type of thing.

You can do it.

(Whiskey might help.)

Image courtesy of inflated/deflated

Should we give plus-ones to our friends who just split?

Hi ESB-

Some good friends of ours recently broke up after years as a couple. We still want to invite both of them to our wedding. They are trying to remain friends, since the break-up had nothing to do with infidelity or anything at all scandalous. Keep in mind we are having a small wedding (50 guests max) so it's not like they will be able to avoid each other if they both come.

Is it a good idea to invite them? And should we give them plus-ones? I feel like it could be even more awkward if, say, one of them brings a date and the other doesn't, or if one brings a superhot date, and the other brings a friend. You know what I mean?

Thanks for any help.

*****

Obviously you should invite them. (HELLO?)

And if everybody else gets a plus-one, they should get plus-ones too. Don't treat the poor wretches any differently from anyone else.

Isabel Marant 2007 via... whoopsy, guess I blew this one.

Elope or Deal with the Crazy?

Hey ESB-

I'm in the middle of a dilemma. My BF and I are in the early, early stages of planning (we've both said yes and are looking at rings). We've been dating for almost four years now and are madly in love with each other. Although we're a bit young, we've already been through some tough patches and have come out on the other side even closer than before.

My dad abruptly left my mom this week. Took all the money, lawyer-ed up, and left. The (seemingly) strong family of mine is suddenly in pieces and we have yet to see how everything plays out. My emotions on the subject are...complicated. Logically, I tell myself that it is their relationship, their problems, and my role is to be as supportive as possible while trying to remain neutral (not pick sides between the two of them). The emotional part of me is all over the place; part of me wants to bury my head in a pillow and the other part wants to scream and shout and lock them in a room till they figure it out. Obviously, I recognize that the logical choice is the best.

This situation has shaken me a bit, as it would anyone I think. It's kind of scary to see two people who were in love for twenty-odd years break up. I have faith in my relationship with my BF and I know that he is still the one I want to marry. In fact, the only thing I can think about doing is start the planning from scratch and run away in a few months and elope. Just the two of us somewhere beautiful with a witness each (our best friends), a photographer, an officiant, and a bottle of champagne. I'm afraid this is an idea that has sprung up only from my desire to escape from the reality that is my family. On the other hand, I've always been a practical person and this isn't the first time I've thought of eloping.

Do I exclude both of our families to have the simple wedding for just the BF and myself? I couldn't imagine trying to get my parents to even be in the same room as each other until well after the divorce is official. But I also don't want to exclude his family just because I am ambivalent about celebrating our union with anyone but us. And perhaps this is just all a reaction to my parents' marriage failing? I was hoping you might have an opinion on eloping and how to deal with the potentially upset family members, not just because they weren't invited, but also because we might be celebrating our union too soon after the dissolution of another.

Anonymous

*****

Hey Anon,

I'm sorry. That sucks big time. I was a baby when my parents split, which I sometimes think was a lucky break because I was too young to know what was going on.

First, I'd say take a little time to breathe. Don't rush off and get married without inviting anyone if there's any part of you that will regret it. I didn't think I wanted a "real wedding." For months I kept telling H that we should just drive to Vegas, not because I was avoiding family but because I was avoiding wedding planning.* But I'm so glad we had a wedding. There's something incredible about having your family and friends gather not only to celebrate with you but also to serve as collective witnesses to the marriage. (It sounds new age-y, but it's true.) I don't know how bad it is with your parents, but I'm guessing neither of them would want to miss your wedding, even if it meant they had to be in the same room together.

ON THE OTHER HAND, maybe it's reallyreally bad. Maybe you want to get the fuck out of dodge, have a simple wedding like you said, and just be married already. I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as it's a decision you and your BF are making together. So what if people get upset? They'll get over it. It's your wedding.  It's your life. I mean, right?

Plus (and I hate to bring this up) if you were counting on your parents to pay for, or even contribute to, the wedding, things might get pretty complicated. There's nothing worse than the back-and-forth about money between two divorced (or soon-to-be-divorced) people who are not speaking to each other. And guess who has to be the go-between?

Godspeed and pls keep us posted.

love,

ESB


(Magdalena Frackowiak in Viktor & Rolf, styled by Katie Shillingford and shot by Josh Olins for Dazed & Confused, via Refinery29)

*HA.