heartache.

I'm not entirely certain what i'm asking, except perhaps, for some insight from those who've felt what I feel daily: heartache.  

Dear readers, I'm planning my wedding to a dear old friend and my beloved dad won't be there with me. He died last May and I have no idea how to be in the world without him. His presence by my side at my wedding was a given. My clearest vision of my wedding when I was growing up was that he would escort me into this new place, this new beginning. I was going to stand on his feet and dance to "Brown Eyed Girl" with him just like we did when I was small. But he's gone and it was unexpected. 

How do I do it? How do I, the most pure embodiment of him, walk myself down the aisle knowing that he'll never be able to give his blessing? How to I embrace this new beginning without my beginning there to guide me?

I'm at a loss. I need the sage wisdom of those who have lived what I'm living everyday.

Your words are gold to me. 

*****

I brought in an expert. Whitney emailed me last April, struggling with how to acknowledge her dad at her wedding, and I semi-flubbed my response. But the esb readers, especially those who had gone through what she was going through, had v. helpful things to say.

One year later, here's Whitney's advice for you:


There is nothing that I can say that will ease your pain. It is a gut-wrenching absence. But these are some things that helped me make it through the day without losing my shit.

Catharsis.

Planning a wedding was great for keeping me busy and distracting me from my grief. This also meant I was bottling up a lot of emotion that typically exploded anytime I heard a song that reminded me of my dad. I had a pretty big break-down the day before my wedding. It was wedding-stress related, not specifically about my dad, but considering how disproportionate it was, had everything to do with his absence. In retrospect, I think it helped me keep it together the next day. Maybe a couple of days before your wedding you could watch a favorite movie of his? Write him a letter? Let it all out.

Skip Father/Daughter stuff.

This is probably kind of obvious. I walked down the aisle with my husband. We did a first dance together, but no other traditional wedding dances. I felt that even if we skipped straight to something like the “Anniversary Dance” it would only highlight the absence of the father/bride and mother/groom dances.

Find some way to honor him.

ESB readers offered heaps of great suggestions on various ways to do this. It helped to have a designated moment where I felt it was appropriate to lose it. I actually didn’t lose it nearly as badly as I thought I would.

Be present.

Focus on your amazing friends, family, and you know, the whole getting-married-business. (This is helpful advice for any bride, really. It all happens so fast, it’s overwhelming.) It was so magical to have friends and family from all over the world be in one space, supporting us in our new life together, that I really couldn’t help but be completely full of joy. Of course there were occasional pangs of “I really wish he was here!” but it is possible to just breathe, and be grateful for everyone who is there.

It is ok to lose it.

This may be some of the best advice I received. I think just having permission made it possible to not lose it. People cry at weddings! I cried happy tears, I cried sad tears. I had the most amazing day of my life.

It’s been a year and a half since my dad died and it’s still so painful. There are so many triggers. Roy Orbison. Western films. Hatch green chiles. And I’m a hot mess at the father/daughter dance of every wedding I’ve been to since. But I made it through my wedding day, and you will too. 

Like you said, you are the pure embodiment of him. He is part of you. He is still guiding you in this new beginning, through all that he taught you.

Love and hugs,
Whitney


(So much love to you both)




Photos by Tinca Veerman via The Jealous Curator

Can I Uninvite My Dad?

Dear ESB,

First, I would like to say thank you for bringing humor and snark to the wedding planning process. I probably shouldn't admit that I read around 7 wedding blogs a day but yours is always the first. I'm hoping that you will have some advice for me. 

My dad left when I was young, stopped paying child support and overall just kind of sucked at the whole being a dad thing. I was angry with him for most of my teens and early twenties but I decided that the anger was really only hurting me and that I needed to accept him for who he is if I'm going to have him as part of my life. Since doing that our relationship is okay, not great. Long before I was ever engaged I decided that I would have my mom (who is awesome) walk me down the aisle for my wedding but I always dreaded having to tell my dad. However, when the time came I pulled up my big girl pants and we went to lunch and I told him how I felt. It was a good talk and he was supportive of my decision and even offered to give me a small(ish) amount of money to help with the wedding. He also asked for a father daughter dance and I agreed. 

Fast forward 8 months later, my wedding is only 2 months away and he has given me a quarter of the money that he promised and has overall been avoiding me and flaking out on any plans. I confronted him about it and he apologized but said that my grandmother (his mom) and my stepmom are "pissed" about the wedding and that is why he hasn't given me the money and has been avoiding me. We had lunch shortly after and he explained that my stepmom basically doesn't think that I deserve any money from him (I guess that's why he never paid child support). At this lunch he told me that we would have dinner with my stepmom to work things out that that he would definitely give me the money. 

Now it's two weeks later and nothing has happened and he's basically avoiding me again. It really isn't (and never was) about the money but now I sort of feel like I keep giving him chances because we really could use the extra money for the wedding. My sister and my mom want me to cut all ties with him and uninvite them to the wedding and my fiance is starting to be on the same page. I'm torn, can I just uninvite my dad to my wedding?

Sincerely,
Daddy Issues?

P.S. The amount of money is basically enough to cover the cost of attendance for the 6 members of his family. 

*****

Do you want to sever all ties?

Do you want your dad out of your life FOREVER?

He's clearly not the one holding the checkbook, and also he is a complete wuss, and that sucks.

But if you rescind their invitation to the wedding you will just be validating what your stepmother has told him all along: you don't deserve the money.


TAVI by Petra Collins via Pamela Love

Dear ESB: How do I acknowledge my father?

I've always said that I would not have a wedding. "I'd rather travel and elope abroad!" Now, I'm so glad that we decided to have a wedding because all of our favorite people, from all over the world, will be in the same city, having all sorts of fun together. 

My dad and I have always had a great relationship, so despite the fact that I was never crazy about the whole wedding thing, when I attend weddings or see them on TV, I've always pictured my dad walking me down the aisle. I've thought about what song we'd dance to for the father/daughter dance. He was just always...there. 

My dad committed suicide 7 months ago. It was a shock. I had no idea he was depressed. Preparing for a wedding that he won't be a part of has been difficult. It's been nice keeping busy, but now we're planning the ceremony and reception and I know I need to acknowledge him in some way. I've read that a lot of people have a moment of silence during the ceremony, but that seems like a huge downer. We're not religious so a prayer isn't going to happen. When is an appropriate moment? 

I'd also like to include/honor my step-father in some way. He's really amazing and has been very supportive. I feel like if my dad hadn't died so recently, I could handle a father/daughter dance or something like that with him. However, at this point, I think any of the traditional father roles would highlight my dad's absence and make me lose my shit. 

I don't want to completely lose my shit. 

Any advice on how to handle this would be very much appreciated. 

*****

Lady, I am so so sorry you are going through this.

My mother's father committed suicide when she was 19, and though it wasn't a complete shock, I know how gut-wrenching it was for her to deal with.

Write a toast for your dad and give it at the reception.

This will make you bawl, but that's okay. Give yourself permission to bawl. Then maybe you won't have to worry about losing your shit for the rest of the night.

(And don't sweat your stepdad. He knows you care about him. Maybe get him a little present if you feel like it.)

So much love,
ME



Collage by Matt Wisniewski using photography by Derrick Leung via Ez Pudewa

I want both parents to walk me down the aisle

Hey ESB,

So, ever since I knew it was allowed, I've pictured both of my parents walking me down the aisle. My mom is on board with the idea, and my dad mostly is too, except for the fact that he thinks it would upset my stepmom (something I was anticipating, but hoping wouldn't be true. She's weirdly jealous of my mom, who's been divorced from my dad for 22 years and rarely speaks to him).

My pops, being awesome, told me that it doesn't matter what my stepmom thinks and if I want to process down the aisle with both of my "real" parents (stepmom, while a nice lady whom I like, was very hands-off for my childhood and adolescence) then I should do what I want. It's my wedding and I don't get any do-overs.

But. But. But. I don't want to cause strife between my dad and my stepmom. If she asks him to tell me "no," that he wants to do it himself, and we do the double-parent walk anyway, there will be a lot of resentment and mistrust (granted, these are negative themes that have built up during their marriage in various ways, and this would just be another big straw to the pile).

Do I do it the way I've always wanted because, like, it's my wedding and stuff? I love my dad so much, and I don't want to make his wife mad at him :(

<3, Torn

*****

This one's your dad's call. If he says he wants to do it, LET HIM FUCKING DO IT.

Why do women tie themselves in knots over things that ought to be simple??

W Magazine FIVE MINUTES WITH: Richard Nicoll and Linder Sterling via Indigo Clarke via Catbird

Daddy Issues

Dear ESB,

Thank for making me laugh, first of all. And also, thanks for what you've already taught me in the land of modern wedding etiquette.

Now to something that I've been struggling with for some time. It's a familiar problem - the father of the bride. I hope you can help.

I have already decided he won't walk me down the aisle. He had little to nothing to do with bringing me up. He caused a lot of pain. To have him give me away, to my mind, is not on. (For the record, I think I am going to aisle-it alone - it feels most appropriate and also, at least dad won't feel as though I put someone in his place.)

We also don't plan to invite him to speak at the wedding. We think the formality of speeches is important and significant but also don't want them to drag on while every person who thinks they've earned a say has it. Speaking will be mother of the bride, mother of the groom (father has passed), best man, maid of honour and us. 

There are two spanners in the works.

One, how does one broach this subject? I figure I do need to tell him. He continues to surprise me with how oblivious he is to the consequences of his past, hurtful decision so I'm thinking he's expecting to be called up on these honours.

Two, I am guessing he might go a bit mental at this news. I am nervous about this but also looking for advice as to whether I should be willing to budge. I won't budge on the aisle situation. I'd rather not budge on the speech sitch either BUT, I have recently learnt dad will contribute financially to the wedding. I am pleasantly surprised and grateful. I don't think it warrants a change in my mind but am I wrong? Has he purchased the right to speak?

Thanking you in advance for your thoughts....

*****

It shouldn't be too hard to say "Dad, just so you know, I'm planning to walk down the aisle by myself." I mean, right? Fuck him if he's offended.

But if you're allowing the guy to throw some money at your wedding, I DO think he has the right to make a speech. (Frankly, any one of your guests has the right to step up and say something if they want to.)

try to convince us to do The Walk. just TRY.

Hi there Ms. ESB,

I'm looking for an argument in support of The Aisle. 

My FH and I are in the early stages of planning an October 2012 wedding, and the first thing we agreed on was to trash everything we *know* about weddings, and just plan an event that we want to host, with and for the people we want to have there with us. By the end of it, we'll be married, but it may or may not end up resembling what folks expect from a wedding. Including not having an Aisle to Walk Down. This means my father won't be walking me down anything. I'm fine with the idea, and I'm not worried about my father (he will be involved in other ways, and it will be wonderful, we just haven't figured it all out yet). 

At this point, we're dreaming as wildly as possible - not quite hippy dippy marriage circle, but some kind of participation based, everyone's involved and it's a total celebration type of thing. There may be a grand entrance involved (air lift? enter on horseback?? smoke bomb POOF magician style?!?), but probably not a stately walk down a center aisle, if you get me. 

I'm just wondering, what is it about walking down the aisle that is so quintessentially American Wedding? There's a reason it persists as standard practice, and I respect that it has serious emotional significance for many people. Are you (or your readers) willing to play devil's advocate and try to convince us to do The Walk? Why should we? Or, really, just what is it that's so special about Walking Down the Aisle - what makes that moment an important part of the day? 

Thanks!

*****

You've already decided to ditch the walk down the aisle but you're "just wondering" why the tradition persists?

If this is your sorry attempt to con me into writing some stupid research paper you put off while you've been DREAMING YOUR WILD DREAMS, you're out of luck.

Photo: Susie Bubble by Frederike Helwig for Ten Magazine via n &n
______________________________

You better believe I made that tag.

How do I tell my dad he's not giving me away?

dear esb,

i'll cut to the chase: i need to figure out how to let my dad know he isn't walking me down the aisle.

the long and short of it is that for most of my life, my father and i have had a terrible relationship. he treated my mother horribly their entire marriage and since i was "just like my mother" (who, by the way, is probably the sweetest, cutest of momma's you can imagine), to say we never got along would be a gross understatement. they finally separated while i was in college and divorced a few years later. for a few years,  we barely spoke. then about two years ago or so, we started to have breakfast together every now and then to catch up . . . things certainly are still weird, he cancelled his phone and cell without giving me his number, he drops off the face of the planet for months at a time and then pops up again looking to reconnect. it's odd and sometimes still hurtful, but i've sort of realized that after 28 years of parenting (or not parenting, in this case) he's not really a "dad" and he probably needs our relationship more than i need him at this point. 

things started to get even more weird when my guy proposed. since i (still) don't have a way to call him, i couldn't include him in the slew of "i'm getting married" calls and resulted to facebooking him that i had big news to share . . . he called a few days later to say he already knew. ok, whatevs. he has only met my fiance once, at my grandmother's funeral which was months before we were even engaged and since he barely knows me, i guess i could expect that. we met a week or so later and he surprisingly offered to help us pay for some of our wedding (not before warning me that because my fiance is a musician, i should "watch out." he doesn't even KNOW him, for goodness sake). he later sent me a few messages to ask when i needed money . . . i responded and haven't heard back from him in two months (yes, i just sent him a "hello, are you alive and ok???" message; no response.) my mother (bless her heart) took me aside the other day to say that he had called her (HUH???) to ask how we, "we" as in my two siblings and me, were doing. why didn't he just call us??

all the while, i've never once said anything to him about walking me down the aisle. he knows the date and (if he opens his mail) has an invitation with the location like the rest of our guests. i've always wanted my younger brother to do the honors of giving me away to my husband. our wedding is a very small gathering of close friends and family, they all know our family dynamic and even if i was okay with my dad walking me down the aisle, everyone would know it was one big farce. my brother really good friends with my fiance and has pretty much been my protector since we were teenagers. he's taken care of my through knee surgeries, given me fashion advice and been one of my best buddies my entire life. he even went as far to say that if i suddenly changed my mind and wanted our dad to walk me down the aisle, he wouldn't be offended. that will never happen, but i appreciate the sentiment.

OKAY- so this weekend, my mother lays on me that she suspects dear old daddy is expecting to walk me down the aisle. the wedding is in two months, i still haven't heard from him after my "are you alive?" plea and i don't really feel like dissing him via facebook message. i also don't want to stoop to his level and hurt his feelings, but i desperately want to avoid a temper tantrum scene with shouting and yelling all sorts of other lifetime network worthy drama the day of my wedding when he realizes he has no part in the ceremony. i'm set on taking the high road in this situation . . . without compromising what my fiance and i want. which leads me to wonder, what IS the high road?????

sincerely,
nowhere near a daddy's girl

p.s. i cannot flip off and tell him f-you. well, i could, but i would end up more miserable than him in the end. so that's not an option.

*****

I'd tell you to tell him in person, but since he's been communicating everything through your mother -- WHY BOTHER? Ask her to do you the sorry favor of breaking him the news.

Photo: Kelley Ash by Annie Edmonds for Fashion Gone Rogue

______________________________
Mansies, you guys. I need to make a tag for dad-walking-or-not-walking-me-down-the-aisle issues.

I Don't Want Him to Walk Me Down the Aisle

Dear ESB,

I'm getting married in November. My father and stepmother didn't speak to me for six years prior to my engagement because my stepmother interpreted a look on my face as "frozen" during a conversation we had about facials. My stepmother (who has been married to my father since I was two years old) is paranoid, narcissistic, and cruel. My father is loyal to her, however, so if she decides to shut someone out of her life, my father will shut them out too. Despite numerous attempts to reach out to them, they haven't met my fiance, who I've been in a relationship with for 4 years, and they haven't met our son, who was born over a year ago.

I sent them both a wedding invitation. My father told me that my stepmother won't come to my wedding because she "doesn't expect any relationship changes." I did apologize to her (for the perceived slight), and even asked my father for advice regarding how to make things right with her so that everyone could feel comfortable at the wedding. She wasn't interested in my attempts to reconcile though and has decided to just not come to the wedding.

In a recent email, my father said that he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I want my son to walk with me during my ceremony, and not my father, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Should I set aside my feelings, and allow him the honor of walking me down the aisle? Or risk hurting him by walking instead with my son? I know traditionally the father walks with the bride, but our wedding will be anything but traditional.

This has been the most stressful part of my wedding planning so far, and I need some perspective. Thank you!

Signed,
If You Walk Away, I'll Walk Away

*****

Your dad forfeited the right to walk you down the aisle when he didn't speak to you for six years. And he hasn't even met your son? FUCK THAT.

Tell him you've got another plan.

Photo by Melissa Cowan

who's going to walk me down the aisle...?

Hey ESB,
 
I'm a new reader and I have to say, I adore your blog. All of the comments and responses are so heartfelt and REAL. Which is what prompted me to write to you about my own wedding blahs.

My family is very complicated. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents when I was two years old. I met my biological father when I was fifteen. Since then, he and I have formed a very good relationship. He's actually selling his house to me, which has been in the family for 7 generations, and he's giving me a killer deal. He's very calm and level headed about things and I'm proud of the bond we have formed.
 
However, my mother and my aunt HATE him. They don't realize that people can change and that he's not the person they knew 25 years ago. They bad talk him constantly in front of me, even though they have not spoken with him in ages. It's very awkward for me and I usually just wind up looking down at my nails, hoping to get sucked into a black hole. It doesn't help that he recently married a woman that went to high school with my mom. Somehow, this affects my mother.

To make it even better, I never really lived with my mom. I lived with my grandparents until my grandfather died and then I tried to live with her, but she sent me to live with our horse trainer in Ohio during the summers and during the school year, I stayed most nights at my friends house or would do what I called the Ping-pong, which was wake up at her house, go to school, my aunt pick me up that night, I spend the night there, wake up at my aunt's, go to school, my mom would pick me up from school....you get the picture...until finally, my aunt and uncle asked if I would just want to live with them.

So, to me, I have 4 mom's- my biological mom, my grandmother who adopted me, my aunt who raised me from 15-18, and my step-mom. And I have 3 dad's-my biological dad, my grandfather (who passed away when I was eleven or twelve) and my uncle.

I'm dreading the awkwardness of my wedding. My fiance's family is complicated too, but they all suck it up and get along and are adults about things.

And I'm mainly worried about who's going to walk me down the aisle. Do I ask my uncle who has been there for me since I was a baby? Or do I ask my dad who has been there for me for going on eleven years and has done everything he can to be a good dad since I've met him? Do I ask them both and deal with the awkward vibe passing between them? Do I apologize to both of them and walk myself down the aisle?
 
This whole situation is really bumming me out. Please help!!

Thank you,
Alicia*

*****

Lady, I say you've got two options:

1. Walk down the aisle your very own self** (or on the arm of your intended). Simple. Badass. Done.

2. Ask who you want to ask. And ask the other guy to give a speech. That way they will both feel important and dad-ish.

Under no circumstances do you owe anyone an apology. 

In fact, if your mom gives you any more shit about your dad I suggest that you remind her she was the one who had a fucking baby with him in the first place.

Love,
ESB 

(Photo by Lukas Wierzbowski via Design For Mankind) 

*I made up a name again. This is some heavy shit. Plus it's fun to make up names. 

** I went this route because frankly neither my father nor I wanted to perpetrate the notion that I was his property to be "given away." But I will spare you the synopsis of my undergraduate English thesis.

***UPDATE: Christina doesn't think she's an Alicia. And she has a blog. And she said she doesn't mind if I link to it.***