oh shit it's a WEDDING ETIQUETTE GRENADE

Dear ESB,

I've just today had a wedding reception etiquette grenade thrown at me and I don't know what to do. I'm looking to you for your grand wisdom!

The situation: An old friend of mine and his girlfriend split up around the time that I was asking for addresses to send Save the Dates (about 9 months ago). I asked if he was certain he didn't want a plus one in case things changed between them and he said no, he definitely, definitely did not. They've been on and off for years so at that point I pretty much disregarded what he said and assumed they'd be back together. Months later I sent him his invite proper. When he didn't get back to me long after the RSVP date I got in touch to chase him and again asked if the situation had changed and if he needed a plus one. He said no, it was unlikely it would change as it had been 6 months. So I made the decision to pass his notional plus one to another guest...

You can see where this is going right? Fast forward to today and he sent an email to me and our wide circle of friends to announce that not only are he and his ex back together, but that they are also engaged. Whilst I'm happy for him, I'm also kicking myself for not keeping his space free. I feel like a small voice is singing 'told you so' inside my head. 

He hasn't said anything about my own wedding yet, but at some point we'll have to acknowledge that she hasn't been invited. And we're going to have to have a very awkward conversation. I wish I could make room (I'm used to organising dinners and receptions for work, so I'm used to jiggling around seating plans and dealing with invitee crises!) but we simply have no room left to add another person.

Really don't know how to address this with him because his fiancée is so lovely and I don't want her to feel slighted. Or even to be reminded that for a while she didn't figure in the plans for not particularly nice reasons. 

Thoughts on how I can manage this pretty awkward situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,
Not-so-good-with-confrontation Bride.

*****

All you can do is be upfront. (You're British, aren't you. So this will be a new experience.)

Call your friend and say “I’m so so happy for you guys. And I’m kicking myself for not saving you a plus one.”

That's it. End of dilemma. Grenade defused.


Edie Campbell by David Sims for Vogue Paris December 2013 via visual optimism 

I'd rather eat glass

Dear ESB

Clearly I adore you, since I have never tiptoed near marriage and yet read your blog like an obsessive preteen. You are my guru, and as such, I'm hoping you can guru me out of this. 

To sum up: I spent 8 years with a guy who, 3 years ago now, decided to go suddenly sociopathic. He stopped coming home at night, stopped taking my calls, and put a pin in things, finally, by sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend. We haven't spoken since I fled the city where we lived. 

It was ugly. And despite the time that has passed, I'm still trying to figure how it's possible to know someone and then not know them in such a violent way. I'm getting better, but I'm still single, and it doesn't feel nice to think about. 

Here's the rub: Since we were together for so long, I became very close with his family and especially his younger sister. As the ex ceased speaking to both me and her during his meltdown, she and I became even more enmeshed. I love her deeply, and in some ways I took over the role of older sibling. And now she's getting married. 

I knew this was coming, and had sort of prepared myself for the thought of looking super hot and taking some banging date and going to the wedding and celebrating her and the love she's found and letting it all wash over me, but when I got the Save the Date, I could feel my heart in my mouth and wanted to puke it out. Suddenly, the reality of being at a wedding with his whole family and seeing him - with the best friend's girlfriend, who is now HIS girlfriend - felt pretty much like a worse alternative to eating shards of glass. 

And so - what to do? I hate the idea of not being there. I hate that I could make the day dramatic. I hate myself for still letting him have this control. I hate that he is taking one more thing away from me. I hate the thought of disappointing her. But when I imagine myself in that space, I want to crawl under the earth. 

Guru? 

*****

It's okay not to go.



Iggy Azalea by Harper Smith for Paper Mag (October 2013) via Fashion Gone Rogue via kelly edmonson

When you can't forget the gifts you didn't get.

I was just reading this terrific piece on the Billfold, which led me over to this NY Times piece.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I mean, the people the Times interviewed are mostly old (and rich). But TWENTY YEARS LATER they're still dwelling on who didn't give them a wedding gift??

I just want to say -- right here and now -- to all the friends who didn't give us a gift:

It means so much to me that you made it to our wedding. Or didn't. Maybe you didn't even make it to the wedding. WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE. But we invited you because we love you and we still love you and, just so you know, it matters not ONE IOTA that you didn't buy us anything.

As Emily Gould puts it:

There are so many other costs associated with attending a wedding, especially if you’re in the wedding party or it’s a destination wedding… I know it’s a token and sentimental and that people are generally understanding, but somehow adding a salad spinner to the $450 hotel, $200 dress and $800 plane ticket tends to be the straw that breaks this camel’s back. But that’s both irrational and kind of dickish of me. I’m trying to be better.

IT'S NOT IRRATIONAL! IT'S TOTALLY RATIONAL!

How bout we just do away with the damn wedding gifts already?


Ina Jang for Jalouse April 2012 via Visual Optimism

my fmil wants to wear a miss america dress

Dear East Side Bride,

My partner's mother is very sweet and supportive, but she can be pretty oblivious. She picked out a dress for our wedding the day after we got engaged, and it is about 2+ levels more formal than what anyone else will be wearing (my mom, my attendant, etc.) Although we've talked a lot about having an intimate, not overly formal wedding (I am wearing a simple vintage dress), she picked out a borderline Miss America dress.

When she showed it to me online and asked what I thought, I showed her my mom and attendant's dresses, hoping she would come to the conclusion on her own that she picked something overly formal. No such luck. The dress came with this over-the-top pitch about how much she loved it, and, since it won't clash color-wise with my mother's dress, and she was so excited, I just said I thought it was fine.

In retrospect, I should have told her I thought it was a great dress for a more formal wedding. They live half-way across the country, so I'm not likely to see her again for a while (wedding is next spring). We have a good relationship, but very different personalities.

On the one hand, who cares, right, as long as she feels good? On the other hand, it would be nice if she didn't look totally ridiculous.

Any ideas?

*****

YOU ALREADY TOLD HER IT WAS FINE






Time to fixate on something else.

Tilda Swinton by Tim Walker for W

Rehearsal Dinner SOS

dear esb,

I've been reading your blog for months and I'm psyched to request some advice. I'm getting married in LA this summer and we haven't figured out the "rehearsal dinner" situation yet. questions:

1. what is your (and the evil bride club's) opinion on who should be invited to a rehearsal dinner? I have heard that the rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party and anyone who travelled for the wedding. Because I just moved to LA recently, most of my guests are traveling for this thing. I feel a desire to feed anyone who had to get on a plane to attend. If we were to invite anyone who travelled and only excluded in-town people, we'd be excluding a rather small percentage of the invitees. However, it would be almost like paying for a second reception to invite all the guests to a welcome dinner. 

2. any thoughts on where to do a casual dinner for 75-100ish people (the final number depends on what we decide about question #1)? I looked at this article and it was very helpful, but i'd love to put the question out there again in case the keyword "casual" sparks other ideas. we would have been happy to throw a backyard BBQ, if we or anyone we knew had a yard. 

thanks for everything you do... has been greatly helpful to a nuptially challenged/irreverent/nontraditional bride-2B. xo

*****

INVITE EVERYONE

Have a picnic on the beach. That's what we did.

Image courtesy of Toast
_____________________________

p.s. You've got until the end of the day to win yourself $500 worth of Loeffler Randall. We have not been inundated with entries (ESB readers are too cool for this shit? either that or I'm too cool to properly promote a contest) so you've got a pretty good shot....

Dear ESB: How do I make this stop??

Met the couple a week ago. They are both great, really. 

But. I sit down and the woman sits next to me at every chance. Then, at a new place I think I pick a tactically advantageous seat to avoid encounters, but she sits next to me again. She hooks her leg around mine, I try to get free, but can't without making it extremely obvious to her fiancé across the table, so I hold still and sweat. 

She continues to invite me to events (her place tonight with the others and distant excursions) and I just try to ignore the whole thing to keep the peace. 

How do I make this stop while not blowing up all the friendships involved?

*****

This woman is clearly trying to get caught.

All you can do is STAY THE FUCK AWAY.


Fragments de Mémoires by Alfredo Figueroa, Alexandrine Gingras Slater, Benjamin Lafaille and Samuel Rivoir via Fucking Young!

Is it possible to revoke a wedding invitation?

Dear ESB,

I just found your blog and have been reading it for hours. You are amazing. I wish I'd looked for wedding advice before the wedding was already half planned but hindsight is 20/20.

So I realized pretty quickly while reading that I have broken one of your golden rules. We invited some people to our wedding that we really don't want to be there. Most of them politely declined, some did not RSVP at all, but one couple with a newborn baby (who will be about 1 year old by the wedding date) excitedly accepted our invite. Back story is that we know this couple through a group of mutual friends that we used to hang out with more in the past before they all started having babies. To be honest we have never really liked them much but they were always involved in parties/events/other weddings of our mutual friends so when we were drafting our guest list we included them, not really thinking it through. We've never even really hung out with them on a one-on-one basis. I think we just got overzealous with our invitations. We also figured that since they would have a fairly new baby (their first) that they wouldn't want to attend because the wedding is out of town, they don't own a car, and live a pretty budget lifestyle so we didn't imagine them springing for a hotel room and bus tickets or a rental car and all that.

So until today we hadn't really thought much more about it other than to comment every once in awhile that we wish we hadn't invited them because they are tedious to talk to and we are worried they won't get along well with our real friends. This morning one of our mutual friends told us she was surprised to discover recently that she had been de-friended on facebook by the female half of this couple. We laughed at the weirdness of this. Since the baby they have been pretty aloof and not really interested in hanging out with any baby-free friends of theirs. Nothing weird had happened, she just one day noticed this woman had stopped showing up in her feed. There had been no falling out, she just randomly dropped her. I jokingly said, wouldn't it be weird if she de-friended my fiance and I too, even though she is planning on coming to our wedding. We all agreed there is no way she would do that. I just had a look on facebook when I got home and discovered both my fiance and I have been de-friended too. WTF?

I know facebook friendship is a terrible indicator of actual friendship. I'm not a particularly avid facebook user at all which is why I never noticed she defriended me at the time. Honestly I kind of hate everything about facebook. BUT, I'm actually super weirded out that she would de-friend us in a virtual sense but still plan on coming to our wedding. Part of me sees this as an opportunity to somehow un-invite them, or at least check in with them to see if they are still planning on coming since they seem to not be interested in maintaining a virtual friendship with us anymore. But I can't decide which I'd rather avoid more, a confrontation with them now, or having them actually attend and take up 3 seats at our wedding (er... wait... does a 1 year old get a whole seat?) What do you think? If I did talk to them about it do you have any advice on what I should say?

Should I just shut up and concentrate on more important things like what shoes and accessories I am going to wear with this dress? I'm thinking these or these. I'm quite tall so not into wearing heels higher than 2". Plus the wedding is outdoors so flats or wedges would work best. I kind of want the shoes to be a statement so am unsure if the LF ones are enough. I can't really spend more than $350. Would love to know what you think about all of this. Also please (duh) avoid using my name if you post this lest my non-friends discover I am gossiping about them on the internet like a total asshole.

Love your blog and will continue reading your entire back catalog now...

*****

I know I rant about how you should never invite anyone you don't want to hang out with. And I mean it. 

BUT. The truth is, you will be so deliriously happy running around in that RAD DRESS (which, you should totally get the LF wedges, nobody will see them anyway) that you won't even notice these two duds and their dud baby.

It's not worth the bad karma to uninvite them.

Riddle me this

ESB, 

My fiancee and I are getting married in a private ceremony with only our immediate families in attendance and then later on hosting a brunch reception for friends and additional family. We're paying for the wedding ourselves and as such, parental involvement stays at a minimum. While this was an intended consequence of our choice, I still want to be respectful of mine and FH's parents and not shut them out from the planning process and day entirely. I sent my parents our guest list last week asking them if there were any strong objections or additions they'd like to make to the list, while keeping in mind our limited space.  

My mom called to say they approve of the list, all is well...except she wants to know if they can throw another party the day after our wedding for "those who want to celebrate but were not invited." I did not turn her down immediately because she was so extremely careful to remind me that it's totally up to FH and I, they don't want to be in-law-zillas, etc. Basically, she wants to have a "casual-yet-tasteful picnic" in the suburbs where she gets to invite her friends and the extended family I left out.  

It's crazy though, right? I mean I think those people will be offended and very aware of the fact that they got a consolation picnic. Especially if my mom's invitation has anything to do with "celebrating the wedding of..." I imagine they will feel obligated to get a gift and yet they do not get to come the real party. 

(not to mention I've no interest in spending the day after my wedding anywhere other than our fancy hotel suite)

I want to be thoughtful and considerate of my mom but methinks this is asking for trouble and confusion on the parts of the b-list guests. 

It's a bad idea, right? 

*****

Right.




Sidebar: I feel like my job here 90% of the time is just to encourage you guys to follow your instincts. Which I'm cool with. Though the times when I get to say NO YOU'RE CRAY are a lot more fun.........

Where have all the CRAZIES GONE? And the cunts? I haven't had a candidate for MMOHIAC in ages.



Related: I've really been missing the anonymous comments, but I enabled them for like five seconds last night and the spam IMMEDIATELY started flowing in. So, yeah. No.

Photo: Shalom Harlow by Steven Meisel for Vogue (March 1994) via tamera via Vanessa Correa

AAAAARgh the Catholic guilt is killing me!!!!!

Dear ESB,

I'm a long time reader and lurker, and right now I need someone with lady balls to get some sense in my head...

My super boyfriend proposed to me last year in February and being the lazy asses that we are, we just enjoyed being engaged for almost a year without planning anything in particular.

Fast forward to July last year when I moved to switzerland for a new job and we started to think about planning everything so we could get married and he could come and meet me (he'd need a visa to stay here for more than 3 months, and I have one, so if we're married he gets one visa just like mine).

Ok, fast forward to Christmas, and still no concrete planing (did i mention we're lazyasses?). We decided that we'd want to get married either in June or August, depending on the dates the priest we  want to marry us have available. We talk to the guy and he tells us that he'll get back to us on the dates. So we waited for the super cool priest (yes, they are rare but they do exist) to get back to us, and when he finally did in the beginning of January we were so happy that he had one of the dates available in June (yay date set, check!).

That evening, after I skyped my mom to tell her the great news (the priest dude is the same one who officiated her wedding to dad) and after she was totally thrilled her sister (and my godmother) calls me... And here's where all the drama begins...

We were talking about normal things when she asked me what were the developments in the wedding department, and I told her "hey, great news! We spoke to the super cool priest dude and we have a date!" And she tells me "oh yes?" and I told her "yes, 29th of June, isn't that great?" And she just answered "oh, that's just fantastic. So you schedule those things without asking anybody else?" and hung up almost immediately.

I was completely struck by this, as I didn't even think that I was supposed to 'ask permission' to set my own wedding date, and suddenly started to feel like one of those bridezillas you see on tv.

So this was just a little over a month ago and we haven't talked since (apart from an email I sent her on the day that followed our skype conversation to which she hasn't responded).

And the drama ensued… All my family (except from my awesome parents) think that it is me who should call her and 'apologize' and ask her to be my wedding godmother (a catholic equivalent of a MOH, since we don't have the MOH/Best Man tradition).

The thing is, I don't really want her to be my wedding godmother just because she's supposed to be 'by tradition.' She *never* *ever* *ever* sounded minimally happy when we spoke wedding stuff (not even when I told her I was engaged). She asked me over and over again if I'm sure of what I'm doing because men are terrible hard work and boring as hell. She gave shit to my mom because we went (me and mom) check out wedding dresses and didn't give her a call or sent pictures (I found my dress for about $500 in the 1st store we entered but the clerk wouldn't let us take a picture). She kept saying that we're rushing into this (I'm 26, he's 29, we've been together for 4 and a half years, and this is not a rash decision).

All considering, I do not want this woman to be my witness at the wedding, because frankly she seems to be bothered by it.

As I said earlier, all my family think I should be the one to bury the hatchet and give her a call, because they think I owe her a lot. I lived with her for a few years during college and she was of great help when it came to find my first job. All of which I am very grateful for, and all of which I have thanked her during the course of our relationship. I just don't think that a wedding is a place to 'settle debts.'

Shit, what should I do, oh wise one? Everyone is f*cking pressuring me to do something I'm really not comfortable right now (and don't know if I'll ever be), and they're all Catholic guilting me! This is supposed to be a happy time, and has been, in a way but not totally because of this crap.

Sorry for the overly long e-mail, but I've been stewing in my own juices (does that sound dirty?) for a month and really need a perspective from somebody from the outside.

Best,
AAAAARgh.........!!!!!

Ps- the rest of the planning is going really well, we already have a venue, photographers, wedding bands and the priest, yay!

Ps2 - I forgot to say that my mom is actually hurting with all this situation, because my aunt is her only sister, and i'm her only daughter. I guess in her head, the day of my wedding would include her sister as my 'godmother'. Still she's hurting but not pressuring, which is kind of sweet.

Ps3 - Again, sorry, this aunt of mine is an overbearing member of our family. If everything is not made to accommodate her desires she'll throw a tantrum (of silent treatment, but still a tantrum). I mean, she doesn't eat mammals or duck, and if we're all have dinner in grandma's house and there's roast beef for everybody and turkey for her or whatever, she'll give us all shit because we're eating 'smart animals.' That kind of thing.

*****

First off, it IS good practice to run your date by the VIPs before you lock it (mom, dad, best man + maid of honor, wedding godmother?? anyone you have to have there on the day). Whether or not your godmother counts as a 'VIP' is clearly up for 'debate.'

I can't tell you what to do.

Basically, you have to decide which is worse: 1) sucking it up and asking the a*hole to be your witness, or 2) dealing with the Catholic guilt for the rest of your life.

Photo: Ben Toms for AnOther Magazine
______________________________

I already have a catholic guilt tag!! I love me sometimes.

sorry, but you're not invited to the *ceremony*

Dear ESB,

I'm the MOV for a friend's wedding and I have a question with respect to the ceremony. The bride wants to have her ceremony on a balcony at the hall where the reception is being held (ceremony at 5pm, reception at 6pm). The balcony is small and won't hold all the guests so she wants to only invite close friends and family to the ceremony and plans to do this by word of mouth.  

I think that people will be confused and maybe even offended if they don't get invited to the ceremony. I told her if she wants to have a smaller, more intimate ceremony to do it on another day prior to the reception.

Is it okay to have a smaller ceremony the same day as the reception and just not invite all the guests?

*****

yeah, no. that's rude.

you can have a big wedding or you can have a small wedding, but you can't have BOTH. not at the same fucking location.

p.s. wtf does MOV stand for? maid of valor? matron of videography??


kati nescher in miu miu, shot by patrick demarchelier for vogue uk (february 2013)

what do you do with your wedding rings when you split up?

my husband and I were married september 2011, and the last day of our honeymoon was the first day of our difficulties, which i won't bore you with.

short end of the story is he turned out to be an alcoholic.

so.

currently my rings are sitting on my desk at work (a safe place don't worry!)

do i give them back? keep them forever? throw them in the sea?

also, i was a bad bride who never sent out all the thank you cards, mostly because things were getting worse from the minute we got back from honeymoon (this had a plus side since i didn't feel comfortable doing all the joint bank account stuff we'd planned... and now all my own money is safe etc..) anyway. i haven't sent out thank yous, and i feel embarrassed by this.

should i just chuck the rings and let the thank you cards go??

yours,
apparently ungrateful, soon to be divorced wifey :(

*****

The sea should be reserved for items you want to memorialize. Your grandmother's ashes. Goose's dogtags.

Sell the rings or melt them down or whatever and go out for a kick ass meal.

As for the thank you cards.... I wish I could tell you to just let em go, but those suckers will nag at you forever. Try to muster the strength to write notes to your friends and fam. "Thank you for the terrific chef's knife, which I am now using to cook for myself!" type of thing.

You can do it.

(Whiskey might help.)

Image courtesy of inflated/deflated

Is it horribly tacky.....

I never thought of myself as one of those brides who would get myself into a situation that I would need your advice. Turns out, this sh*t is hard!

I am from a small town in East Texas, moved to the big city of Austin, met a man, and left small town life behind. Now that we're planning a smallish wedding here in Austin, my complicated family life that I thought I left behind is coming back to bite me. You see my mother and step father were married most of my life, my mother passed away when I was 20. I have since distanced myself from my step family, mostly because of my asshole step dad.

It has always been my dream to have a small wedding with just very close friends and family. In order to do this, we are only including family that we see on a regular basis and that have been instrumental in our lives. Hence the step family just did not make the cut.

Now, my mother's wonderful group of girlfriends are coming together to give me and FH a shower/engagement party type celebration in my hometown. I am so grateful to these women for still thinking of me enough to to this. However, being form a small town the hostesses are friendly with my step family and will surely be discussing the upcoming party with them. It's not that I don't want them to come to the shower, only that I have heard that you should never invite people to a shower that you do not invite to the wedding. I have thought of calling them up and letting them know that our wedding is going to be very small, but we would still love the opportunity to celebrate with them by having them at the shower.

I am complete ogre when it comes to social etiquette. I am rarely offended by anything, therefore have a tendency to offend others unknowingly. Is it horribly tacky to invite people to a shower/wedding related party who are not going to be invited to the wedding?

Social Piranha

*****

Yes.


Photo by Diana Scheunemann via Franziska HOLZER

How do we tell 130 people they've been uninvited?

Dear ESB,

I searched your site with "elopement" tags to see if I could find an answer without bugging you, but all the weddings you tagged with "elopement" are actual elopements.

Background: My mister and I got engaged after 6.5 years of dating and started planning a "laid back" wedding. We were going to get married in the backyard of a family member's home, eat pizza & donuts, drink beer and set up video games to play. This sounds WAY more laid back and cheap than it actual is. The yard was not taken care of in years, we would need generators/portapotties/tables/chairs/$$$$. And we are paying for the wedding ourselves. And we don't have much money. 

After 6 months of planning this and slowly telling family/friends (about 150 people) about it we decided it wasn't going to work. We couldn't swallow spending that much money on ONE DAY and I can't deal with stress at all. So we said fuck it and thought about the absolute basics of what we really wanted: to be married, have our nearest and dearest around us, have fun and have an awesome honeymoon. So we decided on San Francisco City Hall, immediate family & besties (18 people) and a few nights in San Francisco bar hopping and sightseeing. OH! The best part of it all: with the money we'll be saving on the wedding we are going to spend traveling abroad for a few months and then ending up in Hawaii for about a year to pursue even more dreams. AWESOME.

My question: How do we tell the 130 people that won't be invited? My favorite solution so far (and the classiest) is to send out emails & update our Facebook statuses with a paragraph of why we "ran off" with a little bit of "sorry" and "thanks for understanding." 

Any other solutions?

*****

Basically, what you're telling people is, "We decided we'd rather have the money than have you at our wedding."

You can spin it, of course. Tell em you were overwhelmed by the wedding planning, you decided to have a small, intimate ceremony, &c. But please call each of your un-invited guests personally.

THERE IS NOTHING CLASSY ABOUT FACEBOOK.

Ewan McGregor by Alexi Lubomirski via c ktnon

_______________________________

p.s. I answered a similar question over here. You might want to have a look-see at the comments….

Happy Tuesday

I thought you might enjoy this Amy Adams for Band of Outsiders shoot. 

I'm a sucker for polaroids. Always.

Also: There's a new Dear ESB over on 100 Layer Cake! (It's been a while. Let's hope they don't eat me alive...)

let's play "does this look too much like a wedding dress?"

Hey lady!

I'm going to an evening wedding in Manhattan in a couple of months and I've kind of fallen in love with this dress. My only concern is it kind of looks like a wedding dress.  

What do you think? Would it be tacky?

*****

Dear Guest: if there's a chance the photographer's going to have to label you 'not the bride' in photos, your dress is too long & too white. is something a wedding photog friend of mine tweeted recently.

so, yeah. no. you can't wear that.

the good news is, you just found a gorg wedding dress (under $300!) for a reader or two.

How To Ditch A Friend In Three Easy Steps

Dear ESB,

There's this woman I've known for several years, who I've never been very close with but socialized with when we were living in the same city and now sort of keep in touch with via email. She was always much more proactive about our friendship from the very start, she wanting to hang out and me just going along with it. She's sweet, caring, funny, and smart; there's nothing really unpleasant about her. But I've always found her to be too sweet/bubbly/polite for my style, not that interesting, and a bit socially awkward. I'm probably those last 2 things myself, but the thing is, I've just never been that into her. In the grand scheme of friendships, hers is just not a high priority, especially in recent years. 

I moved thousands of miles away a couple years ago, I've been extremely busy, I have family all over who I'm close with, I have local friends who I want to become closer with, and just other friends in general who are more my kind of people, if y'all know what I mean. And yet she continues to send check-in types emails and voice mails (I never answer when it's her), and I always take a while to respond, even admitting recently how I'm bad with the phone (truth: I rarely call anyone besides family, and email/chat has been fine for everyone else). I suggested that we communicate online, which she cheerfully agreed to. Yet she still called again the following weekend (straight to vm again). I feel bad for ignoring her, but I'm also annoyed that she's not taking some pretty obvious hints.

Another thing that's bugged me for a while is how, over a year before my wedding (we had a long engagement), she asked when the wedding date was so that she and her bf could plan travel accordingly, mistakenly thinking it was that year, not the following. We hadn't made the guest list yet (she did hint that she knew this), but I naively told her the date anyway. When we finally did make the list, we realized our venue was too small for everyone we wanted to invite (lesson learned: hash out your guest list before doing anything else for wedding planning!), and I started to regret having given her the date and the expectation that she'd be invited. I know this is a run-of-the-mill guestlist woe, but what made it more frustrating is that she RSVP'd no because she had another event the weekend before our wedding. Huh? She knew the date over a year ago, and her conflict wasn't even the same weekend. It was weird. They did send a gift and congrats, and we sent a thank you. But the incident just made me feel even more that our friendship -- to me at least -- was more of an obligation than something truly heartfelt.

Given these odd interactions lately, I don't know what to do... if anything. Continue with my half-ass attempts at communication while she comes on a lot stronger? Confront her... and ask for what exactly? ("Let's be sort-of friends"? "Don't contact me again because you're not that interesting and you're not my kind of people"? I'd rather tell rape jokes if I'm gonna be that much of a dick.) Just completely ignore her? None of these feel right, and I know they're all somehow hurtful. But I also don't want to put in more effort for someone who is just not that important to me, to be totally frank. I honestly would not mind never talking to her again, but I feel bad that she sent us a wedding gift and continues to check up on me and hasn't done anything to warrant a "break up," so to say.

I just wanted to get some perspective from you sensible people. How do you deal with overeager friends? Is it ok to break off friendships for no good reason besides the fact that you were never into them as a friend to begin with? If so, how? Am I a horrible person for even having these thoughts?

- Possibly cunty not-really-friend

*****

Okay first of all, it sounds like maybe she's not that into you either. You should be THANKFUL that she gracefully bowed out of attending your wedding, since YOU DIDN'T WANT HER THERE ANYWAY.

Gah.



If you really want to ditch this woman: 1. Stop returning her calls. 2. Stop emailing her. 3. Stop feeling bad about it.

As I've said before, life's too short.

Photo by Jenny Woods via Mariya Songpunya via Kylie Aoki + Elegant Idiosyncrasy

Crashing with presents

Dear ESB,

I'm a crasher's +1 next weekend and I need a gift.

My best friend has been traveling the world for the past few months and is currently in Australia. He has decided to come back early and surprise his sister at her wedding. I'm his +1. Now, obviously as an attendant to this wedding, I will be consuming their alcohol and eating their food (aka $ spent on me), so what's something I could get as a repayment? My friend is at a 12 hour time difference and relatively cut off from communication (apparently there's not much wifi in the outback).

Since I don't know their registry, what's something that says, "Hey, thank you for the crab-stuffed chicken and the booze. Sorry you didn't technically invite me."? The bride and groom are pretty cool, like music, and are pregnant.

Thanks,
Uninvited +1

*****

You mean besides a salt bowl? (My favorite lucky wedding present of all time.)

I hate to give you the BORING answer, but wait until after the wedding. You don't need to bring a gift with you, and you can sleuth out where they're registered while you're there.*

HAPPY WRAPPING by Emma Hässel & Lina Salén

______________________________

*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee look at me! i'm still answering etiquette questions!

blah blah blah wedding, blah blah blah money

Dear ESB,

From the beginning, my fiance and I really wanted a small, low-key backyard wedding. We live in an urban apartment with no yard, so that was out. My parents are divorced and both remarried, and both offered up their backyards, but I know that weird divorce issues would arise for all parties involved if I chose one or the other of their homes. So those were out too. BUT... my fiance's parents have a beautiful winter home in Arizona with a desert-y backyard, patio and pool. It's perfect for an early spring wedding, and they generously offered the space to us. We talked to my parents about it (my parents are paying for the wedding), and they thought it was a lovely idea so we excitedly accepted their offer. Everyone's excited.  

My question is this. I am feeling concerned about how much my future in-laws will be contributing to this wedding, by virtue of it being at their home. Even though my parents will pay for the whole wedding and we will be there to do all the manual labor of setup/cleanup/etc, I know my in-laws will still spend lots of time and energy getting the house ready, and I'm sure they'll be spending money on things that they won't even tell us about. It's a huge contribution that they're making. So, should they also be responsible for hosting a rehearsal dinner? I know they are planning to, but should my parents offer to contribute to that, since my in-laws will be contributing so much to the wedding?  

And, if it WOULD be good etiquette for my parents to offer to contribute to the rehearsal dinner, how do I suggest that to them? It seems kind of rude for me to go around making suggestions for what my parents should do with their money, which they are so generously spending on us. (I guess I should say here that both my fiance and I are in our early 30s, and we already feel weird about my parents paying for our wedding, but that's what they wanted!) Is it rude for me to ask my parents to also offer to cough up for the rehearsal dinner? Should I just let them do what they think is appropriate and keep my mouth shut?  

Sincerely,
I Hate Money Stuff

*****

Dear IHMS,

YOU should offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

Love,
I Hate Money Too But There It Is

COMME des GARÇONS by Daniele Duella + Iango Henzi for i-D

Stuck in the middle

Dear ESB,

There are so many opinions flying around for this wedding and I don't know whose is right. Especially since it's over something I don't feel strongly either way for. My problem is this:

I was born and raised in Houston, TX, and that is where my family (there's no extended, just immediate) currently resides, with the exception of myself. This is also where the majority of my parents' requested guests and all of my childhood friends live. The Boy's family all (as in, about 75 people) lives in Northeast Texas around 6 hours away from Houston. The Boy and I live and go to school in Nacogdoches, which is very close to the middle of the two. 

My mother (who has also just taken over the wedding in general, due to her not having one because she and my father eloped) is VERY, and I mean very, adamant on having the wedding in Houston. It's tradition to have it where the bride is from, all of her friends wouldn't travel for my wedding, blah blah blah. Okay, I get it. 

My Boy, on the other hand, would really like to have the wedding closer to where his family is because his father can't travel in a car longer than two hours due to a neck injury years ago and both sets of grandparents are around that age where traveling is not the easiest thing in the world. Also, much of his family would not be able to afford or be willing, for that matter, to travel to Houston, so he's worried that if we get married in Houston, most of his family wouldn't come. I understand this as well. I think it's a little lame that his family wouldn't travel 6 hours for their own flesh and blood's wedding, but his extended family really is their own breed of people so I can get it.  

Then there's me, caught in the middle, lacking any strong convictions towards getting married in Houston or getting married in East Texas. I have, however, put my foot down on getting married in the town the Boy is from simply because there are no wedding venues and it's just not a very pretty area. I would be willing to get married in the Nacogdoches area, which would be equal traveling for both families. But if I told my mom I was even considering getting married anywhere other than Houston she would have a fit and probably pull funding for the wedding. 

I do like the idea of getting married in the city I'm from, and I've even found a few outdoor venues that I LOVE. But I also like the idea of getting married in Nac, the town we met and grew our relationship in, and it's a gorgeous area so it would be easy to find a nice outdoor venue. I don't know. My only requirement is that I get married outside. The city matters not to me. It just matters to other people. And I want to keep my mom happy because she's my mom and I do love her at the end of it all. But this is also mine and the Boy's wedding and it should be what we want. I just don't know what I want. 

Help?

-Stuck in the middle

P.S.  I'm also highly understanding when it comes to his dad not being able to travel. I'm very close with his dad and know that he's in a lot of pain and being in the car for even 30 minutes is sometimes excruciating for him.  

*****

Dear Stuck,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

You want a pretty wedding, and you want your mom to pay for it, and you say you're "highly understanding" about your boyfriend's dad's injury but seem perfectly willing to ask him to spend 3-6 hours in a car.

My first thought was: Get married at City Hall in the stupid shithole town you're not willing to have your wedding in (with the Boy's father and grandparents in attendance), and then let your mom throw the stupid wedding she wants in Houston.

My second thought is: You're too young to get married.

xoxo,

I'M BACK, BITCHES

Photo by ishi

If I invite The England Sister do I have to invite The Heroin Sister?

Dear East Side Bride,

I am in a pickle.

An old high school friend told my older brother that if she was invited to our wedding then she would POSSIBLY come. She lives in England. So when I was making my guest list, I was for sure she wouldn't come because it's so far. HOWEVER, their parents are invited to the wedding because they are family friends.

I would just add her and wager that she wouldn't come after all (we don't have a ton of space for extra guests) BUT the truth is that back in the day, her sister and I were closer. The sister became an on and off heroine addict. And we haven't really been in touch since very much. So, I don't feel super cozy adding in the England sister without adding the heroine sister. Because quite frankly, I don't want a heroine addict at my wedding. And what if they make a whole family vacation of it.

Can't I just pretend my brother didn't tell me this and that the parents are the family representatives?

What do you think?

*****

If only she were a "heroine" addict. How much more palatable that would be....

Listen, I don't get this thing where you guys invite people you don't rly WANT at your wedding because you're betting they won't make it.

Only invite the people you actually want to hang out with.

Stella Tennant & Marte Mei van Haaster by Mario Testino for Vogue UK September 2012