Help ASAP!

Thu, Jul 3, 2014 at 8:25 PM

Long story short.

My bridal shower was 2 weeks ago. My MOH spent 3 hours after it talking about her horrible marriage, and the 3 hours during about her "new miracle baby" (she had an iud and it "fell out") and how she "almost died" in labor. I haven't heard from her since the shower. I want to demote her.

I actually want her to not come because she brings her iPad everywhere. And this is her weapon of showing off her baby to my guests. Not so bad, except for I'm going through fertility treatments, so it hurts my soul.

I found out she's on oxy (again), so she's been lying to me about that.

If her husband is so horrible and abusive (I don't think he's as bad as she says) then I don't want him at the wedding.

I don't get a lot of "me" time and parties because I have social anxiety. So she was the center of my shower, but I don't want her the center of my wedding.

When she was pregnant I spent hundreds on her baby gifts and parties and went to all of her ER visits (I am on disability and a full time student and worker) so it was expensive for me. She didn't get me a gift (not a big deal, but she makes 4x what I do per month), so I found it odd.

Can someone help me quick? Wedding is mid-August.

*****

Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 12:40 PM

How bad is the drug abuse? Are you worried she'll have a meltdown in the middle of your wedding?

*****

Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 1:44 PM

I'm worried she will have an "allergy attack" or "not feel well" and the ambulance will need to be called. Or she will try and whip out her iPad to show baby pictures to everyone. Apparently at the bridal shower she didn't stop talking about her own wedding and pregnancy and baby at all. 

We're going through fertility issues so her baby talk at my shower really upset me. Every time I try to call her she's "napping."

I'm thinking of hiring someone just to babysit her. 

*****

It sounds like your friend is very unhappy. Maybe she's raving about this miracle baby because it's the only good thing going on in her life. Maybe she's trying to convince herself it's a good thing.

Either way, I bet she has no idea she's hurting your feelings.

Write her an email. Tell her everything you just told us. (Or: Send her a link to this post.) Gently request that she LEAVE THE FUCKING IPAD AT HOME.

And then, yes, hire a babysitter.


Image by Ernesto Artillo

I'm 90% sure I need to leave my husband

Hey ESB,

I've seen you facilitate some killer support and advice for real life shit in the past, so here I am writing to you. I'm 90% sure I need to leave my husband, and I could really use a cheer squad/push.

I won't bore you with the details, but we do have a young child. My husband is my best friend, and I want him in our lives forever, but we don't feel like a couple anymore. We've had some horrible times, and have been in counselling for months, and have made good progress. But, I'm exhausted, and I feel like half a person around him, and I just want to get out. It's hard to, because lots if what we have together is great. There's a lot of love, and I know how much harder my life would be as a single mum, how long I might have to put my ambitions on hold. In light if this, it feels like I'm being selfish or immature to want to leave.

But, last night I found myself confessing to an almost perfect stranger that I wanted to leave my husband, and I don't think I deserve to be unhappy enough to do that. It wasn't a drunken confession either, by the way. Neither of us had a single drop.

Can somebody just tell me that I'll make the right choice and find the right words, and that it will all work out ok in the end? Please?

- Desperate Housewife

*****

You deserve to feel like a whole person. And: Your kid needs a mom who feels like a whole person.

Tell your husband what you just told us.


Inversion Series by Anton Bundenko

Real Talk (semi-wedding related. but real.)

Firstly, I want you to know that no matter what you write or post about; weddings, style, life, snarky pointed mocking retorts, I (and a whole slew of other fantastic powerful ladies) will continue to read with gusto. [Editor's Note: YOU GUYS ARE GONNA MAKE ME CRY]

Secondly, I am having a major life crisis that neither therapy or friends can advise me with complete raw honestly, and although I haven't written a "Dear ESB" about it, I have read other letters with somewhat similar root situations and comments with valuable information which have helped me along my way. These letters from desperate women are possibly their last stop before making a major life-altering change, and there's something about the community you've built here which fosters that. I would like to think I would never let myself get to that place, however, at this juncture I am at my breaking point. 

I’m engaged to, in an ideal world my ideal mate, the guy who if you told me I'd be with forever when I was younger I would have shit myself.. but he's not who I thought I was getting. The person I thought he was when we met is not the person I am with now, and possibly I am not who he thought I was too. 

We had a quick moving-in and a quick engagement, but we've now been engaged for about a year, and due to extenuating circumstances I haven't started planning the wedding. Friends all around are getting married and dating and in love with their partners, and I am just meh for myriad reasons. Everything is just.. almost right in theory, but just not quite right. The idea of us together is better than what we actually are.

I have been in several significant relationships, he has been in few. I am a bit younger, he is approaching 40 and very ... well very much an "old habits die hard, you won't teach me any new tricks, I'm a peter-pan kind of stubborn person" man-child. 

We are both in creative professions and work odd hours which leaves little time and regularity for dates, regular plans, etc. We both maintained that we had never been in love before being together. We were friends for years before becoming romantically involved. We were both heavy drinkers when we met years ago, he has since cleaned up completely (no alcohol/smoking/drugs) and I still imbibe occasionally, but his sobriety has been a crutch which allows him to willingly avoid social and community engagement with myself and friends (not going out on New Year’s, leaving weddings early, avoiding dinner parties). 

We currently live in Chicago, where he has no friends or community, and I have old history. He has made no effort to meet people, find his own community, etc. citing that we are only here temporarily so why should he bother. 

When we started having some problems we went to therapy together (both he and I have been seeing therapists separately prior), but after a few months, our therapist doubled his rates, and although I thought we were making progress, we kind of haven't put in the effort to find a new one. 

And here's the big thing that I an't get over: A few months ago a stone fell out of my engagement ring. It's a family ring, fairly old, so not totally unexpected. As it's kind of an awkward every day ring anyway, we had talked about getting me something smaller for every day wear..  He took it in for repairs, and I forgot about it. 

One night a few days later (three days before our anniversary of our first date), I was planning to meet some newly-married friends for dinner at the restaurant where I work (my partner had never been to this restaurant in the 12+ months I had been working there despite my asking).. I asked if he would join us. He said no. He then walked into the other room, came out with a box in his hand, and said "if you're going out, you might as well wear this." All casual like.... 

It was a gorgeous ring, similar in style to mine but smaller, more appropriate for every day. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked "where did you find this!?" he said "I had my eye on it for weeks and finally got it at the place I took the other ring for repairs!" 

We tried it on but it was too small (which I thought was strange because he knows my ring size and if he had been planning on it for weeks then why not get it resized, right?) so I asked if I could wear it around my neck tonight so I could have it on, and then we would take it to get sized tomorrow.. 

His response was... well basically he was astounded that I was still planning to meet the friends, thinking instead that I would just stay home with him. I was astounded that he wouldn't want to go celebrate with friends who were just married. The argument escalated, and it came out that he had just found the ring by accident the day before (which is why he hadn't sized it properly yet) and that he was planning on giving it to me for our anniversary days later, I was baffled why he would give it to me in such a casual way, feeling almost like he just didn't feel like I was giving him enough attention by wanting to go out that night so he gave me the ring early to keep me home. Selfishly. 

I never went out with the friends that night. 

I wore the ring until mine was repaired and then I took it off, put it back in the box, and explained to him that every time I looked at it I just thought about the bizarre and strange way he gave it to me, and that it would be really great if he could find a more loving way to give it to me so that the energy attached to it was more.. LOVING. 

I don't need anything special.. It could have been wrapped up in a Christmas present. It could just be a quiet moment in our home. It could be on a walk or in bed for all I care, just not "... you might as well wear this.." I know we were already engaged but it just seems so lazy. 

For all the other problems we have I think stem from laziness. Or at least a lack of effort on his part to build a life with me that is engaging, inspiring, and full. I don't need to be perfect like one of those couples who have engagement portraits done or blog about the bread they just made, but I live a passionate life and I feel like I've lost some of that passion since we have been together. My friends have noticed it, my family has. The ring is symptomatic of a larger problem, and it just happened to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

I believe on some level that I love this man, I love the potential he has within him that I truly believe he is unwilling to tap into because of his depression, anxiety, sobriety, or laziness. We all have problems and I suffer from some of the same ills. I am not martyring myself, nor am I blaming him for everything. I'm just wondering how much of this is me being crazypants and how much of this is something I am unwilling to be OK with for the rest of my life. I don't feel like I am the best version of myself when I am around him. 

Maybe that's my answer. 

Anyway, I don't know if you will even publish this and/or if you even are still going in this direction on the blog or whatever blah blah blah.. I just.. I don't know. I think I just wanted to write this all down to see if it made more sense in black and white. 

It doesn't, BTW. 

so yeah. sorrryyyyyyy

*****

The ring part, whatever. You can’t throw it back at him and demand that he give it to you LOVINGLY. That’ll never work.

The guy part? Drop him right this very sec.


Collage / GIF by Ernesto Artillo

Nah to Lasagna

Hi ESB,

I am just beginning the process of wedding planning and I am stuck on finding a venue (duh, right?) Anyway, I am torn between picking a venue that has an all-inclusive package type deal or a venue that will require me to piece-meal shit together. So far, the one all-inclusive I have looked at seems a little janky and like we might have to be like "uh we don't want your weird lasagna tho" and then they'll be like "well fine but it's like $2000 extra then, guys." 

Any thoughts on pros and cons of the two different situations? I want the whole thing to be as simple as possible, really, but I also don't want it to be gross.

Thank you,
Nah To Lasagna

*****

Pick Any Two:

[  ] As simple as possible

[  ] As cheap as possible

[  ] Good



Rachel Rutt By Bec Lorrimer For Yen (November 2011) via Le Fashion — Anyone know who did the collage?

It's just a wedding.

So, first off, THANK YOU for all of your straight forward advice with this blog- it definitely got me through some wedding drama leading up to the big day, which brings me to some advice I'd like to share (if not reiterate) to your readers.

My fabulous husband and I got married just over a month ago and while the wedding was pretty damn near perfect (we both said I DO, isn't that all that matters anyway?), there was plenty of craziness leading up to the wedding that mostly stemmed from our wedding parties. I particularly failed to heed the warnings put forth by miss ESB herself in previous blogs, and by doing so I had to do something that NO BRIDE ever wants to do: I had to fire a bridesmaid.

How did this all happen? Well, the "friend" in question had been a college roommate back in the day, and while we were pretty close as roommates initially, we definitely went through some rough roads together that eventually pulled us apart as friends. I should have taken this as a sign early on that some people just aren't meant to be friends, but years later we gave our friendship a second chance when a mutual friend (my best friend and MOH) sort of reunited us. As a group of friends, we traveled together, shared birthdays together, hell I was even in her wedding (which was actually an afterthought when she finally realized that it didn't matter if she had odd-numbers in her bridal party), but all in all I always did everything I could to support her as she got ready for her wedding, which was TWO YEARS of "what do you think about this dress?" and "You'll never guess how much flowers cost".  

So now it was my turn to get married and go through the whole wedding planning thing. Like an IDIOT, instead of taking my sweet ass time in choosing my bridal party (I actually didn't even want bridesmaids, but this particular friend told me one drunken night that if I didn't ask her to be bridesmaid, she'd never speak to me again......I shouldn't have taken that as a threat.), the moment I was engaged I immediately chose my bridal party without even thinking if they would make good bridesmaids, and of course, this friend was one of the chosen ones (the others were excellent choices, though, so that was good!).  

Almost a year before the wedding, the drama begins. I start receiving phone calls from this friend telling me that I NEED to pick a bridesmaid dress, or I NEED to choose a color ASAP because she is too busy and doesn't have time to browse dresses on the internet (at the time I was letting them choose their dresses). Then when she does find the time to find a bridesmaid dress, it's completely inappropriate (very short or low cut or backless....this was going to be a backyard garden wedding and all I asked was for something that wouldn't give my Mother in Law a heart attack). Finally I decided to end the frustration and just chose a dress for my bridesmaids that of course everyone was fine with except this friend. Her response to my choice (after the dresses were purchased) was to send an image of a dress that all the girls could rent instead. Not the end of the world, but just insulting enough. Things were said from "friend" about the bridesmaid dresses and how ugly they were, that she didn't want to look "cute", she wanted to look "fierce" (for the record, the dresses worked perfectly for the wedding and nobody looked "cutesy")- basically forgetting the cardinal rule that when you are a bridesmaid, you're just supposed to go with the flow. It was becoming more and more apparent that she was treating my wedding like her wedding "part deux"- something that I think a lot of newlywed brides do to their friends who are next in line to get married; you had your wedding, now let me have mine.

The real straw that broke the camel's back was my bachelorette party. I initially sent an email to all of my bridesmaids letting them know what the overall cost would be to be in the wedding and that in NO WAY were they obligated to attend ALL of the events, but would love if they could attend either the bachelorette or the bridal shower- and all of them agreed that that estimated cost seemed fair and that they were more than happy to be a part of the wedding. Well when the bachelorette party time came, my MOH planned a beer tasting tour in friend's home town. It was an absolute blast and so many of my closest friends came- including one bridesmaid who lives out of state and has a 2 year old (didn't bring her of course!), one friend who was 4 months pregnant, and one friend who is living with a brain tumor. Everyone seemed to be having a GREAT time and participated in all the fun, except for "friend" who kept to herself the whole time, kept texting her husband all night, wore a purple shirt and neon green bra when everyone was told to wear black (as planned by MOH), and left the party early. But the WORST was when my MOH came into my hotel room the next morning and gave me a napkin with some writing on it that my "friend" left in her hotel room that said she couldn't stay the night as planned but hoped I had a great party. (fyi- she left early to attend a yoga class)

This is where I was pretty damn close to writing you and asking for advice, but I knew the answer would be to confront my friend, so that's what I did. I gave her a call a day or so later so that I could cool off and make sure I wasn't being irrational, and I calmly told her that I felt she seemed preoccupied with other things in her life and that maybe being a bridesmaid was too much for her, but that of course I'd still love for her to attend the wedding. She was taken aback, but she agreed to resign, and since the dress was already paid for I promised her that I would pay her back. Not one day went by before I received a text from her asking when I would be sending her the money for the dress.

Two months before the wedding and I receive a card in the mail from said "friend." Who, on account that I no longer wanted her to be a bridesmaid and because I pointed out her inappropriate behavior, decided that we should no longer be friends at all and that she and her husband would no longer attend our wedding. It wasn't at all an angry letter by any means- it was more of a "I get to have the last word" letter....which, honestly, was fine.  I didn't need the drama.

In a very horrible, catastrophic turn of events, my brother happened to die from an overdose the day before my wedding. Let me tell you, any drama or planning that doesn't go right on your wedding day, it just doesn't matter. I had the most wonderful, amazing, supportive man at my side, and with the help of friends and family (friends and family that truly wanted to be there and celebrate the love and joy of that day), we had the BEST. WEDDING. EVER. I think back to that moment when I was debating about confronting my "friend" and releasing her from my wedding party, and I KNOW that I made the right decision. I can't imagine what sort of shenanigans would have erupted had she been there when I got the news about my brother- if she couldn't support me when times were good, how was she going to help me when the shit hit the fan? All I can say is that, honestly, anything can happen to throw a monkey-wrench in your big day, and the purpose of your bridesmaids is to keep you calm, hydrated, fed, and to make sure you have everything you need to make it down the aisle. If there is someone in your bridal party that you truly believe will be more of a burden than a blessing the day of your wedding, be a big girl and remove them from your wedding party. You don't need to be a bitch, but you do need to be a bride.

This is an exceedingly long ass story, but if you do happen to add this to your blog and your readers can sit long enough to read this, these are the few very important lessons to remember:

#1- Don't be hasty.  Choose your bridal party carefully.  And don't choose out of obligation, choose people who will love and support you NO MATTER WHAT.

#2- If you do have to cut out a bridesmaid, just be honest.  Be straight-forward.  If you're having doubts about them being in your wedding, chances are they are too.

#3- It's just a wedding. It's the marriage that counts. And I hope nobody fucking dies the day before your wedding 'cause that is WAY more dramatic than not having your flowers delivered on time.

Sincerely,

The Bridesmaid Whisperer.

*****

I don't think I would have said "confront her." I would have said: LET HER OFF THE HOOK, which you did, and well done, lady.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. So so sorry. And so glad you managed to have the BEST. WEDDING. EVER. in spite of it all.

With this, we commence a mini putting-it-all-in-perspective series.... (Similar to the #weddinghorrorstory series, but more heartrending.)

Erin Case via HonestlyWTF via ...etc

Guy Catling via The Jealous Curator

Engagement Party Disaster

Dear ESB:

My fiance and I had an engagement party this past weekend, hosted by my future in-laws. It was a lovely affair, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Until the end...oh the end...

For some background: my fiance's younger brother has been dating his high school sweetheart, who we will call Dee, for seven years. My fiance and I have been dating just over two. When we got engaged, Little Brother and Dee promptly broke up. I always suspected this was because she was angry that I received a ring before her. They eventually got back together, and are now engaged themselves, and planning a wedding for six months after ours. We are in our early thirties; Little Brother and Dee in their early twenties.

Back to the party. As the night wound down and drinks begin flowing freely, a friend of mine asked Little Brother and Dee about their engagement. When my friend learned that they had dated seven years prior to becoming engaged, she asked if they had ever gone through any breakups or setbacks. Dee responded, with a giggle, "Well, there was that one time." Having always heard there was more than one break-up, I said, "One time?" I knew right away I shouldn't have said it, but it had already flown out of my mouth.

The response was apocalyptic. Dee stormed about for about thirty minutes, telling everyone that I was a bitch, my fiance (her future brother in law) was an asshole, that we were disgusting, rude, horrible people and she hated us both. I tried to apologize, as I did not intend to hurt her with my flippant, thoughtless remark, and she waved her finger in my face, calling me a rude bitch and saying that she hated both me and my fiance.

Her parents finally picked her up and the party ended soon after.

I am traumatized and humiliated by this event, and certainly do not want someone who hates us and thinks we are disgusting to be present at our wedding, but I do not foresee a way we cannot invite her without causing huge family drama. 

How should I proceed with this? Wait for an apology that I am certain will never come? Just forget her name on the invite? Take the high road and let it go?

Thanks!
A Disgusting, Rude Bitch

*****

The Bad News: You have to invite her. You know you have to invite her.

The Good News: Girlfriend was blackout drunk. She'll never remember what happened.




Collage via Jamala Johns. Anyone know who made it??

how do I subtly say BUY ME A RING?

Hi ESB,

I've been reading your blog for the past few weeks as conversations with my boyfriend have started to turn toward marriage. We've been dating for 11 months, live together, are about to embark on renovating my house together. We talk big picture all the time, like about marriage, kids, house money, etc. 

My reason for concern is that we have not talked about the small picture stuff -- like the proposal and engagement ring! I get that guys want the proposal to be a secret and I am concerned that he thinks he should just pick out a ring himself, since he has not mentioned engagement rings once in conversations about other items we're saving for (a juicer, a kayak, etc), not asked me to recommend jewelry I like, nothing. I know how to subtly drop hints about the wedding but don't know how to subtly say BUY ME A RING.

Should I be worried that we haven't chatted about the timing of engagement? And more to the point, how do I get the ring I want? Particularly, I don't want a solitaire diamond. 

PS I don't want to sound like a materialistic bitch -- I want a small, cheap wedding, etc. I just figure if I'm going to wear a ring for the rest of my life, I want to get the right one, you know?

Help!

*****

There is no subtle way to say BUY ME A RING.

You can, however, tell your boyfriend "Just so you know… If and when we do get engaged… I don't want a diamond solitaire!" 

And then show him what that is, because men are stupid. And then maaaaaaybe, if he's not stupid, he'll say "Well, what kind of ring would you want?"

Mirage by Beth Hoeckel

I found his secret sex toy stash

Dear ESB,


My fiance and I have been together about five years, engaged for five months. We just bought a house together about a month ago and plan to get married next year. Earlier in our relationship, it became apparent that his sex drive is much stronger than mine. I do enjoy sex and have had the best sex of my life with this man, I just don't initiate as much as he'd like. I always get into it once we get going, but it's rarely ever my idea.

We've talked about this a few times, though it's hard for me to discuss without getting emotional because I end up feeling like a failure as a woman and a sexual being. I think it stems from some old insecurities of mine. He really can't stand it when I get very emotional, so sometimes he avoids topics he knows will set me off. At one point I thought we weren't compatible enough in terms of sex drive and he'd never propose and we'd eventually break up. But he did, and he also stopped commenting on my lack of initiation.

So recently we've settled into a routine of doing it first thing most mornings, aka not my body's favorite time to be intimate to begin with. I roll with it as enthusiastically as possible. He always seems to enjoy it and is very complimentary, especially when I give him a blow job (often).

Anyway, I was packing for a trip recently and found his secret sex toy/lube stash under a couch. Specifically, it was a butt plug. I'm not that weirded out, because I know even straight men like stimulation there, but I'm hurt that he was keeping a secret in our house, and I'm back at the feeling of failure because I'm obviously not fulfilling all his needs and he doesn't feel like he can share this with me. I have been really busy lately with work and other stuff, but we do it about four or five times a week. I know he masturbates and watches porn sometimes when he's alone, which doesn't bother me, but for some reason this strikes me as a more serious need. Am I overreacting? I am not sure how long he's had this, but it would have been harder to hide it in our apartment, which was smaller.

Should I confront him about it? Ignore it and keep with the status quo, which meets my own needs? Put my finger there next time we're doing it and see how it goes? (I think I would be open to more experimentation along these lines...) All other aspects of our relationship are awesome.

xoxo

*****

I'd open with "Hey, I found your butt plug!" 

No, really. I bet he wanted you to find it.

Play with the butt plug or don't play with the butt plug. The butt plug is not the problem. The problem is "the status quo," as you put it, which sorta meets your needs but also sorta has you doling out blow jobs every morning when you'd really rather be asleep.

You love this man so much you're willing to go above and beyond in the sack (4 or 5 times a week is a LOT for most couples, trust) and he loves you so much he's willing to squelch his desire for you to initiate, but resentment will build up eventually. On both sides.

What are these "old insecurities" of yours? Have you tried talking to a therapist?

Maybe this is something you can work through, or maybe (surprise!) you two are just not sexually compatible.

But please don't commit to Mr. Libido -- for life -- while you're "feeling like a failure as a woman." Please. A ring will not make everything all better.

Amours Boudin II by Fabian Souche

Dear ESB: How do I acknowledge my father?

I've always said that I would not have a wedding. "I'd rather travel and elope abroad!" Now, I'm so glad that we decided to have a wedding because all of our favorite people, from all over the world, will be in the same city, having all sorts of fun together. 

My dad and I have always had a great relationship, so despite the fact that I was never crazy about the whole wedding thing, when I attend weddings or see them on TV, I've always pictured my dad walking me down the aisle. I've thought about what song we'd dance to for the father/daughter dance. He was just always...there. 

My dad committed suicide 7 months ago. It was a shock. I had no idea he was depressed. Preparing for a wedding that he won't be a part of has been difficult. It's been nice keeping busy, but now we're planning the ceremony and reception and I know I need to acknowledge him in some way. I've read that a lot of people have a moment of silence during the ceremony, but that seems like a huge downer. We're not religious so a prayer isn't going to happen. When is an appropriate moment? 

I'd also like to include/honor my step-father in some way. He's really amazing and has been very supportive. I feel like if my dad hadn't died so recently, I could handle a father/daughter dance or something like that with him. However, at this point, I think any of the traditional father roles would highlight my dad's absence and make me lose my shit. 

I don't want to completely lose my shit. 

Any advice on how to handle this would be very much appreciated. 

*****

Lady, I am so so sorry you are going through this.

My mother's father committed suicide when she was 19, and though it wasn't a complete shock, I know how gut-wrenching it was for her to deal with.

Write a toast for your dad and give it at the reception.

This will make you bawl, but that's okay. Give yourself permission to bawl. Then maybe you won't have to worry about losing your shit for the rest of the night.

(And don't sweat your stepdad. He knows you care about him. Maybe get him a little present if you feel like it.)

So much love,
ME



Collage by Matt Wisniewski using photography by Derrick Leung via Ez Pudewa

Fabian Souche via The Jealous Curator

Big Family Blues

Dear ESB,

My shacking up (of 18 months) boyfriend (of 6 years) and I have been going around in circles about having a wedding for about a year. For ourselves, we don't care one way or the other about having a celebration. It is important to my parents because they are quite religious and important to his parents because his sister eloped and this is their one and only chance to have a big, fancy party. We have agreed these are compelling enough reasons to have a reception. We plan to go to the JOP in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

The problem becomes who to invite. We would prefer something small (50 or so folks) and (relatively) inexpensive. I have a large family (30 first cousins, not including their spouses, children, and step-children). We are quite close with some cousins from both sides and we have lived with a few of them, making a hard and fast no-extended-family-rule impractical. My parents have indicated that this would need to be an everyone or no one occasion.

Our circular conversation goes something like this:

I guess we should have a wedding with our families and a few close friends.
Yes, that's a great idea. I bet we could do it for under $5,000 if we are careful and have a small guest list.
Whoops! I have a million cousins, some of whom have helped us out in major ways and who we care about a lot.
We can't have a wedding because we can't invite so many people.
It would be really nice to mark our relationship somehow.
Repeat, ad nauseum.

Once this decision is made, the rest should fall into place. So... what's the answer?

*****

Are your parents paying for the wedding?

IF NO --> Why are you letting them tell you who to invite?

IF YES --> Why don't you scrape up the $$ to pay for it yourselves? Then you can keep it small and (OMIGOD) invite only the cousins you're close to.

Collage by Colette Saint Yves via curiouser & curiouser via Bailey B via Kristin Kane
______________________________

We get a lot of variations on this one, don't we?