MIL is CRAZY!!

Dear ESB, 

My wedding is not until the end of January and my future MIL is driving me BAT SHIT CRAZY. I need your sage, blunt advice. 

First some background, the wedding is being thrown in my hometown. But my fiance and his family are from a city a few hours away. Also, my fiance's parents do not make millions of dollars and are very frugal people. So naturally, I had assumed that my fiance and I would pay for the rehearsal dinner. But my FMIL insisted that she pay for the dinner. When I got quotes form various restaurants, I sent her the most affordable ones. She chose one that she said she could afford and made a deposit on reserving the room for the dinner. She also offered to pay for the hotel room of our officiant. 

Lately, my FMIL has been complaining to my fiance about all the money she has wasted on the rehearsal dinner! (Even though she has only paid the deposit.) She is also complaining about hotel prices for the officiant. We've offered to pay for everything several times and she insists that she can. 

How much longer do we have to listen to her complain? I am growing increasingly nervous that she can't actually afford anything she's agreed to and am worried that we'll be stuck with the bill at the end of the night. Should we just go ahead and plan to pay for everything even though she is saying she'll pay for it?

Best, 
BAT SHIT CRAZY BRIDE!

*****

a) Until the wedding. Possibly longer.... She may not let go of this until she's dead.

b) Yes

Photo by Robert Trachtenberg for Tatler (August 2011) via Fashion Gone Rogue

my fmil wants to wear a miss america dress

Dear East Side Bride,

My partner's mother is very sweet and supportive, but she can be pretty oblivious. She picked out a dress for our wedding the day after we got engaged, and it is about 2+ levels more formal than what anyone else will be wearing (my mom, my attendant, etc.) Although we've talked a lot about having an intimate, not overly formal wedding (I am wearing a simple vintage dress), she picked out a borderline Miss America dress.

When she showed it to me online and asked what I thought, I showed her my mom and attendant's dresses, hoping she would come to the conclusion on her own that she picked something overly formal. No such luck. The dress came with this over-the-top pitch about how much she loved it, and, since it won't clash color-wise with my mother's dress, and she was so excited, I just said I thought it was fine.

In retrospect, I should have told her I thought it was a great dress for a more formal wedding. They live half-way across the country, so I'm not likely to see her again for a while (wedding is next spring). We have a good relationship, but very different personalities.

On the one hand, who cares, right, as long as she feels good? On the other hand, it would be nice if she didn't look totally ridiculous.

Any ideas?

*****

YOU ALREADY TOLD HER IT WAS FINE






Time to fixate on something else.

Tilda Swinton by Tim Walker for W

FMIL Should Put Up or Shut Up

Dear ESB,

I'll just come right out and say it: my future mother-in-law is a cunt. Every step of the wedding planning process has been a nightmare dealing with her. When we picked our original date, she threw a fit about it being too soon and insisted we push it back by an additional 10 months. It was no skin off my nose at the time, so I agreed. Mistake. Pretty soon I got the feeling that that was a test I failed on who was really in control, as every decision I have made from there on out regarding the wedding has been met with resistance from her.

I initially wanted to get married in my hometown city; she protested that it was too far for the elderly members of my fiancé's family to travel. So we picked a new city, one that allowed for an equal amount of travel between both  of our families. I tried to sit down and discuss finances with her; although we agreed to roughly split things 50/50 between our families, she insisted she would only talk in depth about it with my parents in person (they live in my hometown city, over 1,000 miles away) and even then, only after we had already picked a venue and had some price points to present. Fine. We road-tripped to the city we'd picked and found a lovely chapel and reception hall, as well as a great caterer for the intimate event we had planned (70 guests total).

The deposit for the church is $500. The deposit for the caterer is $2,000. I suggested we split the $2,500 between the six of us (my parents, his parents, and my fiancé and I), and my FMIL is now refusing to put in for the deposit. She feels it is 1. too much money and 2. goes against "the principle" of the bride's family taking care of everything regarding the wedding.

She also feels like they shouldn't have to put down money because my fiancé's guest list is smaller than mine so they'll have fewer of "their" people there, and because they already have to pay clothes, airfare, hotel blocks, transportation for the family that is traveling, etc. (My list has exactly five people more than his.)

Here's an excerpt from a text she sent me:

"You have way more people than us & it's not fair that we have to come up w/ that amount for only a handful of people on a deposit, makes no sense... So come up w/ the $500 to secure the place & find some other caterers. Nothing else is to be discussed until we converse in person."

My fiancé's father is pretty much following her lead. She says my parents and I should either pay both deposits ourselves or book just the venue and get a cheaper caterer later. This caterer is all-inclusive (plated food, cake stand, tables, chairs, linens, silverware, glassware, beer and wine, servers, bartenders, and set-up/breakdown) for $4000; it doesn't get much cheaper than that, short of doing it ourselves.

My fiancé has tried reasoning with her but she won't budge. He said he's fine with he and I splitting the deposits with my parents, but I kind of want to just chuck the whole thing at this point and elope. My mother has also offered to gift us $3,000 for the entire endeavor to do whatever we want. Should we go for the elopement? How do we break that to his parents?

Sincerely,
My FMIL Is A Cunt

*****

You don't want her f*cking money. If you can't afford the wedding without it, then yes, you should elope.

Do the thing FIRST. Then breaking the news is easy: "We eloped!"

(Resist the urge to add: "Who's in control now, bitch?")

Marta Kowalska by Paolo Colaiocco for Kneon (Summer 2013) via COUPDEFOUDRE

Dear ESB...

I am in a bit of a planning quandary.

Here goes: My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years, and we finally got engaged on March 1st (yay!). We would like to get married September/October 2014, so of course planning should start fairly soon. My future mother in law has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for almost 3 1/2 years. We have gone through the various ups and downs, "She's going to die in 3 months," "She's almost in full remission," "we need a stronger chemo," "she's doing great," "The tumors are spreading," etc. etc.

Currently, she is on the last available option (a pill she takes 4x/day) for her condition, which means it's a waiting game. She is feeling and looking a lot better than she has in the past, and we are trying to take advantage of her not being sick from chemo all the time.

She has inquired about wedding plans and would like to start helping, but to be honest, I am reticent to plan anything because her health could plummet very soon. I also would hate to bug my FH with stupid questions about flowers or the guest list when he is about to lose his mother. I just can't imagine planning such a big event and the both of us having to deal with the loss of a mother at the same time. I thought about maybe waiting until she goes, but that feels strange, and it makes me feel like an asshole for even typing it.

Is it better to spend time and plan as much I can with her, then just figure out how to maneuver the bizarre stages of grieving/wedding to-do list when that time comes? What if she passes away right before the wedding? Am I being selfish?

I'm driving myself crazy constantly living in the future world of "what ifs," but I want to be respectful of my future husband and his mother.

What should I do?

*****

I say go ahead and start planning the wedding.

Your FMIL could die tomorrow or she could live for five more years. You can't put your life on hold, and she wouldn't *want you* to put your life on hold. In fact, what she really wants is to help you plan this thing.

Just be willing to be flexible. (And don't beat yourself up for having the occasional assholic thought.)

xoXX


Ten variations about planking after Freud by Aníbal Vallejo via The Jealous Curator

Snarky Comment Required

Here's the gist:

-Destination wedding in lovely family spot (partially because we didn't want a huge wedding in our mutual hometown).

-Our dream is family + 20ish friends who will actually enjoy the spot and can afford to travel, which would be about 60 people in total.

-F-MIL keeps making passive aggressive comments about how we could just elope to save her money (jokingly, of course...only she's not joking, based on sheer repetition).

-FILs have the money, easily, but just hate spending it on travel/their kids (insert complicated back story- aka we know better than to ask for any help with actual ceremony/dinner, so their costs = their travel & stay).

-However, she is fine spending our money inviting 90 people to our wedding to which she herself does not want to travel (another issue, which I believe I can solve or overlook, given that her friends likely won't travel; she just wants them to be given the option).

Please help me keep a smile on my face and endure the "why-don't-you-elope-and-save-me-some-money" mutterings under her breath. Or help me see the situation differently?

signed,
exhausted Future Daughter-in-law trying to keep the peace

*****

Tell her, "We really are trying to keep things small, so no sweat if you can't make it!"

Photo by Meinke Klein for the Maarten van der Horst Fall 2012 Collection via Fashion Gone Rogue

Trying to be a diplomatic bride

Dear ESB, 

I'm unsure as to what my role is in "encouraging" and "supporting" my FH. We've been together for a long time (7 years) and are pretty relaxed and trusting with each other. When we finally decided to get married, I was under the assumption that we would continue communicating to our family the way we had always been. He talks to his family and makes decisions around his family, and I talk to my family and make decisions about my family. Specifically about who is invited and being realistic about maybe some rocky relationships. We decided to split it- his family will have 40 slots and my family will have 40 slots. Very diplomatic in my view. 

Now, this doesn't mean that I'm not friendly with his family- I am, but I never knew that weddings bring out the worst in people- often times... your family. My future MIL has been hounding me about who we are inviting from his side. I keep telling her that is something that FH will ultimately decide and she should discuss the matter with him. I thought I handled the matter pretty well, and my FH knows that this will be a touchy subject so I think he's prepped. 

But then came the bridal party question. Who will be in the bridal party? 

We have been together for so long, and have so many friends that have seen us through different points in our lives that we have approached the bridal party in the same way that we approached the guest list - equal number, and autonomy- I will pick my group and he will pick his. Now I'm sorry if I go back and forth in timeline, but it helps to explain this situation. FH was in the military and deployed several times to several hot zones- hence he's pretty close to his military friends. He also has a brother that he's friendly with, and they're.... "close," but if FH has an emotional problem, he's not going to call him. And he has a best friend that he's very close to, who I have grown close to over the years too. He is that close that we wouldn't consider a wedding without him. 

FH has made a decision for a bridal party of 3, but has not picked the best man. Future MIL has been demanding that I influence FH's decision to making his brother his best man. I am honestly trying to be impartial, but I can't deny that I would feel more like the best man should be his best friend. He knows us as a couple, has grown with us... and frankly he's a better speaker (best man speech), more responsible (I know he won't lose the rings) and would be able to support FH better (for whatever FH would need support for). 

However, I know that it's traditional that if you have a brother you make it your brother, and the brother did make my FH best man at his wedding. I have been telling future MIL that it's not my call, and that it's something FH will have to decide and that I will support whatever decision makes him happy but she's pretty insistent that I speak to him.

I feel like a broken record, but I'm wondering if I should be more firm and tell her to back off. I have told FH about this, and he has spoken to her. He's actually been pretty clear with her that it's not my call and that he will make the decision and he's still thinking about it. But it's like it's going in one ear and out the other. 

I'm really trying to be inclusive with her, and keep her updated and involved (she has no daughters and she really wants to be involved in our lives) but if she's going to be this pushy over everything... I'd rather just give her the invitation, say "show up" and keep her as far away from the plans as possible. If FH wants to update her, then he can, but communication with me will be done. 

Or am I completely in the wrong? Should I be encouraging him to pick his brother? Something about that seems.... wrong, but I recognize that I could be biased. 

What do you think? 

Thanks, 
Trying to be a diplomatic bride

*****

a) you're right, this is not your decision to make, b) your FMIL needs to step the fuck off, and c) YOUR FH NEEDS TO FUCKING PICK SOMEONE ALREADY. or: pick no one. there's no reason he has to have a best man.


Teresa Oman by Jason Lee Parry for Human Being Journal via Fashion Gone Rogue

(The 2nd Annual) Dear ESB: Why do the holidays suck when you're married??

Dear ESB, 

How soon is too soon to make plans for the holidays, and what's the secret to making both families happy? This will my husband and my first holiday season as a married couple, and I'm concerned about setting some sort of precedent for how we spend future holidays with our families. I suppose we have it easy because our families are both driving distance from us-- his are 1.5 hours away, mine are 4.5. But they're in opposite directions, meaning a 6 hour drive if we want to go from his parent's house to my parent's house; sometimes much longer in Texas' good ol' stand-still holiday traffic.

Throughout our past 6 years of dating I've always done Thanksgiving with his family (because it's his grandparents' tradition to host, and we want to spend as much time as possible with them while we can), and we've parted ways to do Christmas day with our respective families. But last year we did Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine, and then went back to his parents for the day after Christmas. We thought this would be okay, that we could switch it up next year to be fair, but it resulted with his mother crying about how she and FIL had to spend Christmas Day alone. I felt awful, but also offended. Because this was the ONE year in 6 that I'd pulled their son away for a holiday. And since they live closer to us, we see them ALL THE TIME. They drop in on weekends unannounced. They are constantly planning the next get family get-together. And, like I said, we always spend Thanksgiving with them. Which is all fine! I'm happy to spend time with them. But meanwhile, I RARELY see my family in comparison, partly because the drive is more considerable, and partly because my family just tends to get together less. We keep busy with our respective lives during the year, and then really value and make the most of those few days when we're all together; it's great. But my in-laws don't seem to realize that I have my own family.

After last year's tears and guilt, my husband and I thought, OK, next year we need to communicate with them better, and further in advance, to make sure they understand our holiday plans. But I guess we didn't think about it enough because while visiting his parents this past weekend, and while I was left alone with MIL, she asked me about our holiday plans. I was totally unprepared! And she didn't even ask the questions I expected: instead of just asking if we'd spend Christmas Day with them, she asked if we could leave the country and make a tropical beach vacation of it (which almost felt like bribery), and if it would bother my parents if we couldn't spend the actual day with them (wtf!), AND how many vacation days do I get from work per year, and how many had I used already? (clearly calculating how many days she could kidnap me!). I think my exact response to these questions was "Uhhhhh" and now I'm not sure how to proceed.

So, my very drawn out question is for you and your readers. I'm curious if most people split holidays down the middle, switching important days/ families each year to be completely fair. And if people are successfully coming up with a routine that is understood and accepted by both families. And if we really need to visit BOTH families for a single holiday, because good lord do I fear spending future holidays in the car….

PS, not only do I dread the very idea of telling my parent's we're ditching them for the tropics, but our in laws don't approve of drinking or really a lot of things and I feel like a long beach holiday with them might be too much for me!!

PPS, the tropical location that MIL wants to go to happens to be the same location that my husband recently visited for our honeymoon (which we paid for almost entirely on our own)! I have no idea if she intends to pay for this proposed Christmas trip or not, but regardless, why should they expect us to do it all over again with them!?

*****

Have you discussed this with your husband? Does HE want to go on the trip? It's perfectly acceptable for you to set ground rules, such as:

1. I'm willing to go away with your parents for 7 days max.

2. Never again will we visit both families for a single holiday.

And then he gets to enforce the rules with his mom. (Let her cry it out if she has to.) 

But, yeah. One of the biggest bummers about being married is that you don't just get to do what you want for the holidays. Whether or not your in-laws approve of drinking.

Photo by Paolo Roversi for Vogue Italia, March 2005 via Ananas à Miami
______________________________

I answered a similar question over here. The comments are quite good.

with strings attached

[I just deleted this Dear ESB at the request of the writer-inner, but I like the photo too much to take the whole thing down.]

Photo by The Selby

please convince me to have my wedding

Hi ESB.

FH and I are having a very small, intimate wedding. We rented a big house in the woods, invited immediate family and a few dear friends to spend 5 days with us, housing / food (we'll cook) provided. Less than 20 people. At some point we'll do a small ceremony outside with FH's dad officiating and then have a hopefully affordable catered dinner on the deck and party all night. It's exactly what we wanted.

Except, my immediate family... are kind of assholes. Very, very tiny things regularly set them off. Last week, after discovering FH and I had taken down an online video of us giving wedding details, and my mother was outraged when she went to show it to someone and it wasn't there. This prompted her to say "she didn't even want to come," she "doesn't want me as her daughter," and "all I care about is her paying the bill." My sister seconded this with a lecture about how selfish I am to, and this is a quote, "rob (my family) of the dream wedding (they've) always had for me." She expressed that I have "stolen" from her the opportunity to be in the bridal party with "the dress" and place of honor in front of 300 people. She says it's not fair. (And no, she's not 12.  She's 22.) She's MOH, by the way.

Obviously, this really, really hurts. But to be honest this isn't outrageous coming from either of them. My mother has a terrible temper, she flies off the handle, and she says whatever she wants. By next week she will have gotten over/completely forgotten it. My sister is The Drama Queen. Several months ago she said she wouldn't come because we didn't give her a +1. (And no, she is not in a relationship.)

Please believe me that I am a strong, communicative person (despite my family, and thanks to years in therapy) and if I didn't know that trying to calmly express to them that this is a day about love, and intimacy with a few close people (based on expenses, not the desire to exclude extended family, etc) would only backfire into more vitriol from them... I would try. But this isn't how they operate. This is a cycle I am familiar with. Small issue, explosion and nastiness spewed all over me, and then they get over it and it just "never happened." Trying to defend myself (at all, evenly calmly and apologetically) only results in a longer, more drawn-out blow-out. All I can do is apologize (hollowly) and wait it out.

But. They make me so sad, and they hurt me so much. At this point, I don't want to have this wedding.

I want to go to the courthouse, do the deed, and move to the moon to avoid the anger eloping would cause. I don't feel able to finalize the catering bill that my mother is paying for, and/or all the other expenses we couldn't afford without help from my parents. She offers to pay (we never, never asked her to) but then says shit like "I'm only good for sucking her dry." It's a nasty, manipulative game. If I told her we would pay ourselves, she would be offended by that as well. It would be "shutting her out."

But FH is a supportive and strong darling and won't budge on the fact that we're having this beautiful wedding and it will be joyful and celebratory and my crazy family is not going to take that away from us. And he's right, I know. He is amazingly supportive and sweet. He is the family I got to choose for myself. But he has a darling mother and family, and probably can't accurately imagine what I feel like. I am just an adult child who wants my mother and sister to be sweet and happy for me.

I guess I was just hoping for some encouragement. I need you and your readers' spunk and support to help me put this in perspective. I need to get back to a place where I am excited to be having this beautiful, tiny wedding in the trees with my dearest friends, and yes, my immediate family. Because I do want them there. They are, after all, my family. But right now... I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. With FH. And no telephone.

*****

HAVE YOUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for fuck's sake, stop apologizing to these people.

You can't make them be happy for you. No matter what you do. Haven't you been over this with your therapist??

Kate Moss by Juergen Teller for Vogue (December 1994) via Maia McDonald via Sasha Darling

Drama with the MIL (Part 563)

When the mother in law calls the rehearsal dinner "technically her party" and constantly reminds you that she is paying for it to make you feel bad and she doesn't want to let you invite your brothers but wants to invite her brother & niece who haven't seen the fiance since he was 5 and she is the only stressful part of an otherwise easy planning process but she eventually agrees to do what you want to do...do you let it go? Or call her out on the offensive, passive aggressive shit and get ready for a brawl?

*****

YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

The point of further antagonizing this woman would be...what??

Another one by Rasmus Skousen for Cover Magazine via because im addicted via tfs

My Bridesmaid Is a TATTLETALE

Hi ESB –

I have 5 bridesmaids… one is the groom's sister. She’s two years younger than me and my FH, she’s 27, and has been off unemployment for 5 months, after having collected for two years. She seems to have no intention of getting a job, but loves posting on facebook about how she is in two weddings and doesn’t have a dollar to her name. She does actually assist an older lady in her home on a semi-regular basis, and I know she is getting at least $80 a week. She lives at home and does not pay rent, so her expenses are relatively low. My other 4 amazing bridesmaids have generously accommodated the situation by agreeing to split everything for the shower and bachelorette four ways. My future-sister-in-law (FSIL) has been told all she needs to worry about are her shoes, and anything she eats or drinks the night of the bachelorette. I should mention at this time, that I bought her bridesmaid dress. 

My MOH has set up a facebook event page to keep everyone aware of the events and cost, etc. She’s reached out to my FSIL via email, text, facebook, and phone call to try to get her involved and find out her plans for who she will room with at the bachelorette, but to no avail. They finally connected, after I had to step in and ask FSIL to get in touch, and my MOH was as nice as she could be, but found my FSIL’s manner hard to handle. FSIL seemed to think that my MOH would be making all the arrangements for FSIL even though she decided to stay with her 21 year old cousins, (who I did not invite to the bach), instead of staying with the bridal party, where she would not have had to pay for the room. This caused my MOH to call me afraid she upset my FSIL, and my FSIL b*tched to everyone and her mother about how awful my MOH is.

Here’s the kicker… two months later, my MOH calls me to tell me that my Future-mother-in-law (FMIL) just called my MOH to “straighten out” the situation. I am livid!! I think the last time my mom called someone on my behalf, I was probably in elementary school. During their conversation, my MOH was made out to feel like she is completely and purposely leaving my FSIL out of the loop. My MOH tried to explain everything she and the other girls have done to accommodate FSIL, but FMIL wasn’t hearing it and made excuse after excuse for her daughter about broken phones and no internet access (all bs because I know the true timeline of those issues). In the end FMIL offered to pay for her daughter’s share of things, which is awesome, but now FMIL wants to be copied on all the emails to the bridesmaids so she can be in the loop. 

My MOH is complying because she doesn’t want any awkwardness at the shower/bach or wedding. She’s really not psyched about bringing FMIL into all the bridal party planning and neither am I. This really seems like FMIL is continuing to enable FSIL’s behavior and allow her to not accept responsibility or be a part of anything. I really want to confront my FSIL and say “Why the *!?@* are you having your MOM call my MOH?!”, but know I shouldn’t even be involved… my MOH really didn’t want to tell me, but I’d been hearing things through the grapevine and was able to weasel it out of her. 

Should I have my FH attempt to get a handle on the women in his life? Should I do anything at all? We’ve got 4.5 months to go before the wedding, and I just can’t imagine how out of control this could all get. I really feel awful that my MOH has to deal with this and am wondering if you’ve got any advice for any of this ridiculous elementary madness.

Thank you!

*****

Sit your FSIL down and ask her if she actually wants to be a bridesmaid.

It sounds to me like she doesn't.

And if she's going to act like a five-year-old, she shouldn't be allowed to play with the big girls.

Andrej Pejic by Mert & Marcus for Vogue Paris via Kylea Borges via Kasia Bocian + The Fashionisto

Rocking the mother-in-law's pearls

Dear ESB,

Here's my dilemma: my future mother in law has asked me to wear a pearl necklace to my wedding that has sentimental value to her. Here is a link to the David's Bridal dress I'll be wearing. On my curvy figure the dress comes across as a little more sexy than it does on the model in the picture. The pearls are small, single strand and fall just below the collar bone. I think the necklace and dress look perfectly fine together and I want to wear it since it seems to mean a lot to her. But the look is very simple and classic and doesn't really feel like my style. I've been thinking about layering a few necklaces together, but I'm worried that it might offend her if I wear more than one necklace. Also I'm wearing my hair down and I wonder if a bunch of necklaces, plus lots of hair, plus a sparkly dress is going to be too much? I actually don't usually wear much jewelry.

I've known her five years now and we are fairly close. I could talk to her about it but I feel like she's the type of person who would say it was ok when she was actually upset about it (or completely misunderstand my intent), so I'd like to have a better idea of what I want to do before I bring it up. If I do decide to wear more than one necklace when is the right time to tell her? I might feel kind of funny just showing up to the wedding like that without mentioning it first.

*****

According to the Allure I picked up at the salon the other day, "A single strand of pearls is dated; a bold necklace of imperfectly knotted ones is strong and stunning."

But you knew that already.

Just tell your FMIL that you've decided to go a little nuts with the necklaces. This is your big day to be sparkly! Surely she won't begrudge you that.

p.s. Will someone please get married in this Vera Wang bustier?

Dear ESB: Should I scrap my lovely summer wedding for the sake of my sanity?

Dear ESB,

My fiance and I were engaged this spring after having been together for 4 years. I love him dearly, but his parents (as much as I really do love them, too) can be a bit controlling and critical of our choices, and have "elite" standards. Our wedding has proven to be no different. To clarify everything I am about to write: my fiance's family is very well off and mine isn't. We're students (studying on the other side of the country from where the wedding will take place) and can't afford much, and seeing as the FINs didn't like any of our initial budget-friendly wedding options, we started falling down the path towards the FINs paying for a fifty-thousand dollar wedding. We had always dreamed about having the wedding at the FINs waterfront home, which has a built in bar and amazing downstairs area perfect for dancing, but they didn't think they wanted to host 70 people there. So we reluctantly moved ahead with finding somewhere else. It started small at first: we began planning to have our wedding ceremony outdoors at a neighbour's property, and then move it to another venue for the reception. The neighbour's place is remote and has limited parking, so we would have to pay to get all of the guests transported to and from the site ($$). And this wouldn't be just any old outdoor ceremony: there would be a tent (a fancy one) with caterers and cocktails and flowers and rental chairs etc. etc. etc. ($$$).

When our reception venue fell through (kind of a blessing (-$$$$)) we asked the neighbour if he wouldn't mind hosting the entire wedding on his property, seeing as it wouldn't be too much more going on than the ceremony anyway, and he agreed. His property is really really beautiful and we loved the idea of having everyone in one place and not having to over-complicate the logistics of the day. I personally loved it because then I only needed to worry about decorating one venue instead of two or three. I should mention that in our city there is a very limited amount of wedding venues, none of which really challenge the conventional wedding reception style. I spent weeks and weeks looking for a more interesting place where we could have a great dinner and also be able to dance, only coming up with the previously mentioned venue that eventually fell through. So anyway, we were excited about keeping everything at the neighbour's. But then the FINs didn't seem so keen. They worried about it getting cold at night, the minimal lighting on the property, bugs etc. - all of which are very legitimate concerns, but I felt that we could work around them (complimentary bug spray, anyone?). His mom additionally argued that holding everything there would get expensive, which is frustrating because she just uses this argument when she doesn't like something. As an example, she was more than excited about renting out another venue that would have cost $10,000 more (the likes of which my fiance and I refused on principle).

So now the agreement is that the neighbour's place is a fall-back if we can't find an appropriate reception venue in time, which I know we won't because I have already done all the leg work. But I just want things settled. Every conversation we have with his parents is about the wedding, and his mom is relentless in searching for "the best" place instead of agreeing to go with the place that makes us the most happy. I don't want to talk about wedding venues and logistics anymore - I want to study for my finals!

Suffice it to say, our plans to have a low-stress, beautiful but inexpensive wedding have been hijacked by the FINs incredibly high standards (which I have certainly participated in as well as a blinded-by-the-bling bride). Everything is snowballing, and when we start to look at the numbers, we just know that this thing is going to be stupid-expensive. Not to mention the fact that I am worried the whole event is going to be incredibly stressful with all of my FMINs nit-picking and over-spending. I really value my close relationship with her, and I am incredibly worried that this wedding might irreversibly strain things between us. Throw in her side of the family, all of which will most definitely expect a free ride across the country to come to our wedding in the first place, and this thing is starting to look like a soulless monster to me.

Then...the epiphany. I started to think back to all of the fantastic family New Years parties my FMIN throws at her home with great food, dancing, champagne and a "disco tree" (it's her very cute tradition to throw about 10 tons of tinsel on the Christmas tree for New Years). I wanted to capture THAT for our wedding, and so I started wondering why we couldn't just incorporate our wedding into the New Years festivities. It wouldn't be a stretch: we'd keep the guest list to immediate family, a few other family members who are very close and already live in town and a few close friends. Anyone who is invited to the New Years party would have been invited to our wedding anyway, and our families already know each other (in fact, our moms get along famously). Plus it will save about THIRTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. This idea makes me very very happy - like, I haven't felt as happy as this since I initially got engaged. And my fiance is really warming to the idea....but he needs to tell his folks about it. I can't be involved in this because they seem to think that all of my ideas need to be second-guessed no matter what (yeah...another problem), and the only way they are going to truly be on board is if they understand how much this means to their son.

It really sucks that they get to wield so much control, but money is power in this case.

I suppose what I am asking from you, ESB: do you think I am insane for wanting to scrap my lovely summer wedding for the sake of my sanity? Probably one of the biggest 'pros' is that I would be eliminating about 7 months of additional stress and drama. There are only a few small details from the summer wedding that I care about but wouldn't be able to pull off for the New Years wedding, and we would have to wait for our honeymoon in the summer. I also wouldn't be able to order the dress I wanted in time, but maybe this is my opportunity to rock an awesome white cocktail dress and killer heels instead? Any advice/suggestions/therapists you can offer would be appreciated.

Many thanks,
The Game Changer

******

What does "FIN" stand for?

*****

...Future In-Laws. I came to a rather quick conclusion that this plan of mine wasn't going to alleviate many problems, just create new ones. Who the hell tries to plan a wedding on New Years in less than two months?! It did, however, allow me to appreciate the wedding I was originally planning and look forward to it more this summer.... and the GORGEOUS dress I was planning to purchase. But please, if you can find the time, I would still love advice on navigating the in-laws/financial scenario.

*****

ummm, and yeah....just realizing my incredibly stupid typo, too. FIL, not FIN... its mid terms and I am stressed in all directions! Sorry about that!

*****

I still think you should do it. It is totally possible to plan a wedding in two months.

The question is, how do you get your FMIL on board? And: Are you willing to let her be in charge? (Let's face it, the woman is in charge already. The only way you can take charge is to pay for the wedding yourself.)

Start off by telling her how much you love her annual party, and how you'd always dreamed of getting married at her house. And then show her this post about the surprise wedding that Marisa and John planned in SEVEN DAYS.

I think a surprise wedding with an ginormous disco tree would be too terrific for words.

Plus you'd get to celebrate your anniversary on New Year's Eve every year. What's better than that?

(Image from Design Crush via Erin Dudley)

Dear ESB: My MIL Sucks

I'm hoping your readers can offer some advice because I'm scurred to death that my MIL and I will have a falling out someday, maybe sooner than I think. Here's the deal. My fiance and I planned on a wedding of 70-80 guests. Mostly because it's what we can afford and we didn't want to get into all the drama/politics of inviting 4th removed cousins we haven't seen in fifteen years. I have a dozen family members attending and my fiance has less than 10 attending. (Not a huge difference, right? Right.) We agreed on grandparents, parents, siblings, handful of cousins and our bestest of friends. My mom and grandmother were not so happy about this because they wanted to invite close family friends and important extended family members. I had some very difficult convo's with them and in turn, my mom and grandma had difficult conversations with the folks that thought they were invited, but weren't. But after being upset and listening to each other, we all got over it. They understood I couldn't afford the extra guests, and neither could they. Ultimately, they respected our choice to keep it small.

Step in MIL. Who, mind you, has been telling us all along to "ignore what everyone says and remember it's our wedding." And who also completely dissed our first venue choice by telling us in the most passive aggressive way that it sucked. (We later canceled that venue and didn't even get back our full deposit. She was 50% of the reason why we scrapped those plans.) MIL has been given the run down of the wedding many-a-time: a limited number of guests, casual affair, blah blah blah. So now she decides it's not fair for me to have 12 family members and her to have only 7. So what does she want to do? She wants to invite her friends. But, she's offering to pay for them. So shit, there goes our out. We tell her no and after she hears this she starts crying and drops the biggest guilt trip on my fiance. Not only is she passive aggressive, she's manipulative. Feeling guilty and horrible, we say fine. Ef it. Do what you want... bleh.

My fiance is pissed because he looks like an a-hole for his parents being a-holes who are literally buying out seats to our wedding, when he's already seen the tough stuff I had to go through with my family and that same issue. And I'm super pissed because 1.) my family can't afford to invite their friends and that's not fair to have MIL and FIL waving their money around at our wedding in the form their equally sucky friends 2.) we wanted to keep it relatively small and she's not allowed to take over our guest list 3.) Just because I have more family there doesn't mean they all get along or want to see each other, but they're willing to be put in awkward positions for one day for me, while the in-laws are not. (Oh, and a side note... my entire family has offered to help set up the day of. Have my FIL's? Nope.)

I'm terrified of having her as a MIL and I'm worried about the way she will interfere with our married life and eventually our parental decisions. I don't want to hate my MIL, but I'm starting to really not like her and that bothers me. We've agreed he needs to talk to her, not me, but I can't help but be hurt and angry. What else, if anything, should we do?

Sincerely,
One Seriously Fed Up Bride

*****

Dear FUB,

Giving in to the guilt trip was a big mistake. If your MIL knows she can get her way by crying, she'll never stop crying.

And why would you let her bring her sucky friends to your intimate wedding, whether or not she's paying their way?

Love,
ESB

(Image courtesy of superbomba)

My MIL invited a priest to the wedding

Dear East Side Bride,

I'm not religious (my family is Hindu, I went to Episcopalian school, but I don't believe in organized religion) but my fiancé is Catholic. He's very open-minded and doesn't believe in the dogma/hypocrisy/etc. that bothers me about organized religion. His mother, on the other hand, was very upset when we announced our plan to have a secular, non-church wedding (it's going to be officiated by a friend and we're writing the ceremony ourselves). To appease her, I've agreed to go with their family to their hometown church after the honeymoon and have our wedding "blessed" by their family priest. This is something I would never do, except that he wants to make his mom happy, but it turns out that it's not enough. His parents invited the priest on their side of the guest list, and it turns out he'll be traveling here to attend our wedding. This happened months ago, and I figured it wasn't my right to complain because they have a close relationship with this priest. But yesterday she asked my fiancé whether it would be okay if the priest offered a blessing before the meal. My immediate instinct was "no way!" I also know that my parents (who are hosting the wedding) would not be happy about this. I've suggested that my fiancé tell his Mom to invite the priest to the rehearsal dinner the night before (which his parents are hosting) and the priest could offer a blessing there, but as far as I'm concerned there's no place for something like that at my wedding. I also explained that since my parents are hosting I think it's fair that their feelings be respected. He thinks neither of these will come across as a good/gracious/convincing reason to his mother, so I'm asking for your help for ways to think of a nice way to explain that we do not want the priest to bless the meal. Just because she invited him as a guest does not mean that all of a sudden he gets to participate. 

Thanks in advance for any help you can offer!

-Secular Bride

*****

Dear SB,

You have been more than gracious. Offering to let the priest to bless the rehearsal dinner is a perfect (and generous) solution.

Tell your fiancé to stop being a such pussy and stand up to his mother already.

xoxo,
ESB

(Image from D Mode February 2010 via TOBACCO&LEATHER)

Who should I invite to our wedding?

Dear ESB: 

I am getting pressure from all sides on who I should invite to our wedding. My mom is pushing to have all the family (aunts, uncles and cousins) from her side which means I would have to do the same for my dad's side and that totals quite a few guests, I am sort of OK with this because I grew up seeing most of these people more often then just holidays. I am getting pressure from his mom on who we are inviting from his side even though he has not seen them in the last 20 out of his 29 years. Would it be strange to have my extended family at our reception, and no one from his? OR is it ok to invite just some of my aunts, uncles and cousins? Is it ok to invite a person and not let them bring a guest?

I have been fretting over this for months, when all I want is a chill intimate evening with our guests.

*****

I'm sorry you've been put in this position. Thanks, Moms.

Here's what I think: It would be strange to invite your entire extended family and not his. (Plus it would really piss his mom off.)

So don't. That's not what you want anyway. Instead of letting the moms rule and settling for a guest list that you are "sort of OK with," sit down with your guy and make a list of the people you really want to hang out with. Those are the people you should invite.

Re: plus ones. If someone is in a serious relationship, it's only fair to invite the significant other. Otherwise, you can wait until someone asks you to allow her a guest. But why make the singletons feel like assholes? You want everyone to have a good time.

(Photo via Life in Lomo)

F* it. I'm a terrible housekeeper.

I make the bed in the morning. And I get perverse pleasure in doing laundry now that I have my very own machine. (And my own dryer in her little shed!)

But dishes? Meh.

Even now, as my mother-in-law approaches the bungalow, I sit on my ass. Blogging.

(Photo by Jennifer Konig found here)