What if some people don't "just know"?

Hi, ESB. 

I'm writing with a quandary that's been rolling around in my head for a while. I'm in a great relationship. He is supportive, funny, kind, handsome and all of that. We have a relationship well founded in trust and support- no questions there. We've been together for five years and have shared a home for most of that time.

Of course conversations eventually turn into questions about marriage. It isn't a huge "must do" for either of us. I would at some point like to have a celebration of love and families coming together but nothing even close to the whole cupcake-bride-with-a-big-expensive-string-of-events.

A week ago we had a really good but hard and honest conversation. We both admitted that we see so much compatibility but lament a sometimes meh sex life and aren't entirely sure if we are each other’s "the one.” We both expressed our frustration about not knowing and anxiety about whether we are the kind of people that ever might "just know.” A lot of people say they had that feeling before getting married. And I'm sure for some people it is true, but isn't there also a leap of faith a bit? If we were to break up would we just be throwing the baby out with the bath water? I've never been one to believe that marriage is the final destination or an easy time. Inevitably there are things you compromise on. I have a partnership that is mutually dependent and supportive. I love him, I'm attracted to him and I love sharing my life with him.... but what gives about knowing about "the one"? 

I'd love it if people shared how they know/don't know/knew/thought they knew/never knew they found a partner for life.

Thank you!

*****

Fuck "the one."

Is sex important to you? Is a meh sex life a dealbreaker? For either of you??

Because if it ain't working now, marriage won't fix it.



p.s. I posted a similar dilemma here. And Dan Savage has a lot to say on this subject -- listen to his podcast, I beg of you!!!

Image: Ernesto Artillo

How do I know if he's the one?

Dear ESB,

I feel nuts writing to you, but I am desperately in need of some real perspective, and I think you are awesome.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. We are not engaged, but we treat each other like life partners, we talk kids, we talk wedding - all in that way like it's so obvious that we're doing those things. We are both broke and don't want to be engaged forever trying to save for a wedding, so we are saving up now and trying to pay off debt. But like I said, we are not *actually* engaged.

Okay, here is my problem. How do you know if someone is *the one*? All of my engaged/married friends say things like "you just know when you know." But, really? Will I "just know"? I have over-thought (i.e. obsessed over) every single major decision I have ever made in my life - from what schools to go to, what to study, what dresses to wear to parties, how to phrase emails (I guess that's not a "major" decision) - you get the idea. I have obsessed over our relationship, but I do not know if he is "the one." Maybe you can help, because I'm not getting any younger here.

BF is sweet and fun. When we go grocery shopping, he always carries all of the groceries, unless it is humanly impossible to do so. He understands me and he is really supportive. I can't imagine living with anyone else. But how do I know if that stuff is real, or if it is just the product of having lived together for so long? Because also when he is angry he slams doors really loudly or hits the wall, which I really, really hate. And he does really annoying impressions - like, the worst. And he always forgets to call me if he is going to get home from work later than usual, or if he decides to have a quick beer with his buddies. The last time we went to visit my parents, he read the paper all through lunch instead of engaging them in conversation. And if suddenly there was a nuclear war, and all of my best girlfriends disappeared, and it was just me and him, I wouldn't be completely happy. He just doesn't fill every need. And our brains do not match up 100%. For example, I always want to talk about why characters in movies do the things they do, and BF just wants to watch the movies and not analyze them. Also, his mom is bat-sh*t crazy, and I am pretty sure I will never feel close to her - aren't you supposed to feel so warm and fuzzy about your FMIL? Aren't you supposed to want to plan the wedding with her? Her taste is the polar opposite of mine. Finally, no one in BF's family has a college degree, and neither does he (but he works in a creative field, so it doesn't really matter), but my family is super degree-oriented. Is that crap important? Does it matter if his parents and mine don't become friends? Aren't we supposed to come from the same town, and have gone to the same schools, and our parents supposed to be in bridge club together? That is how all my friends' relationships are and they all seem really happy. I just don't know.

I'm sure I sound super annoying, but can you give me a hit of obvious? Am I in one of those relationships where people from the outside go "what are they thinking?" I just really don't want to be wasting our time. If this clearly isn't going to work, I want to cut and run so that I can start looking for that effing "you just know when you know" guy.

- Crazytown

P.S. I also have just started Law School after years and years in the working world, so that is not helping.

*****

No single item on your laundry list sounds like a deal-breaker.

But the fact that you've MADE a laundry list makes me think you don't really want to marry this guy.

(Photo by Terry Tsilois for Muse 2010 via Vain and Vapid)