umm, did I miss the memo

Hey ESB

Soo, let me preface with the - I love your blog and never thought I'd be writing to you, but here am I.

My man and I have been together for 2.5 years and have begun (he has begun, not me) the discussions of marriage etc. In between trying to keep me from leaving the room, while he makes these noises, I have managed to establish the following :

 - he wants to get married sooner, rather than later
 - he'd like a couple of kids
 - he is not religious, but wants me to convert to his religion
 - I am not religious, but I don't want to convert for many varied reasons, I don't want kids, I am open to marriage

I have sinking feeling I know the answer to my issue. I possibly just want to hear from someone completely and utterly independent, because its going to suck big time doing this to someone I love, but if our ideas of the future are so different there doesn't seem to be a point in prolonging the agony.

Also, I'm Australian, white as a ghost, with very liberal parents and he is a Pakistani Muslim, with the world's most traditional family background. Although he is the black sheep of the fam, he is the oldest and I have watched him, since his father's death last year, slowly returning to traditional ways and values. We did have a super big argument a couple of months ago about the future, which ending with him saying "but my fucking family expect us to get married, you have to convert and do this."

Any thoughts, or should I keep hitting myself in the head while I try and keep studying for my law degree and working full time.

*****

Rip off the band-aid. (And soon.)

You and I both know this ain't gonna work.


Sojourner Morrell by Arnaud Pyvka for Marie Claire Italia March 2013 via Visual Optimism

he doesn't want babies after all.

dearest esb,

I just wanted first of all to say thank you, and even though you are an evil club of mean, hipster brides, I have thought of you as my friends, inspiration and source of much merriment in the last three or so years of my engagement... 

and here we get to the tricky part. My FH and I are parting ways. We are still very much in love and respect each other deeply, however, FH, or maybe I should say NFH (no-longer future husband), has decided he does not want babies after all. Which is something I can not compromise on in the least... This does in a way, make the whole decision a little easier... I mean it is not as if you can strike a balance and have half a baby.... but it does not make it any less complicated having to picture a life with out the soul mate I thought I would spend the rest of my life with... 

I try super tremendously hard to maintain a positive spin on this ... I am planning like a mo-fo... trips to Paris; a change of town; lots of galleries, wine bars and society after moving to a tiny Australian town with the man. But it is hard; hard to laugh when my awesome older brother tells me he's getting engaged to his amazing girl... difficult to keep smiling when the students at my school keep asking me when the wedding is and where their invites are (super sweet really)... tremendously complicated when I think of the plans and decisions we had made... (we had named our first born son in hypothetical land and talked about all of this before anyone thinks this was rushed into or glossed over.. the decision was recent and out of the blue..) 

and I could probably list one hundred or so more instances that make me falter in my daily flight, but it is not hard to visit ESB and giggle. In fact it is a daily check for me during some down time at work. I love the outrageous responses and questions. I like the catharsis and acerbic wit, the vicarious joy of yay or naying. It is one of the few survivors of what is at best a time of vast change and growth... and it does give me pause to keep looking ahead, yeah that dress is funky and flash, and there may be a day when I'm looking again, and to be honest to myself I hope so. 

So thank you for the smiles and glimpses of new

*****

Lady, I'm so proud of you. Both of you.

There would be fewer divorces if everyone did this kind of soul-searching before they tied the knot.

xoxoxxxxx.

Tiny Vipers by David Belisle via Claire Cottrell via jen causey
______________________________

Incidentally, did you guys see the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy on Thurs? I shouted at my TV: "THANK YOU, SHONDA!" when they depicted (onscreen, on network TV!) a strong, successful, married woman choose to put her feet up in the stirrups and have an abortion rather than carry to term a child she didn't want.

Her decision was of course complicated by the fact that her husband did want kids (something they didn't discuss before they got married).

Anyhoo.

Should we allow children on the Party Train?

ESB,

So I’m getting married a week from tomorrow to the love of my life. Totally excited! Everything has gone pretty smoothly considering I’m DIYing most of my wedding in small town Iowa (yes, you have readers in Iowa).

We rented a street car/trolley/piece of local history to get us from the ceremony to the reception/to kill time in until all our guests get situated, and we had planned on stopping by our favorite bar for a drink, but that isn’t really going to work out so now we’ll just be hanging out on the trolley with our wedding party and a few beers. Classy, right?

My fiancé called me at work today to tell me that he really wants to bring his nephew (who is 13) on the trolley with us. I said I think this is weird and I don’t really want children riding around with our drinking/smoking friends, but he thinks it will be fun/nephew will have a good time/doesn’t understand why I don’t think this is a good idea. I know it’s only for an hour between things, but I just can’t get over how weird I think this is.

Do you think it’s weird? Should I put my foot down, or just suck it up?

Thanks for your advice!
Mason City

*****

I'm sure a 13-year-old can handle a little smoking and drinking. AREN'T THEY ALL DOING THAT ALREADY? (Or are things different in Iowa?)

But if you want to get all bawdy/silly/teary with your friends before you walk down the aisle, and you know the presence of your nephew-to-be will make you self-conscious, don't let him on the trolley.

Photo by SAGA SIG

I don't want a baby at my wedding!

Hi East Side Bride!

I did a search through your archive and found this article, but it doesn't quite help me out.

My partner and I didn't write anything about having a child free wedding, we just made sure people knew about it. Neither my partner or I have any nephews or nieces and few of our friends have children so it seemed we were going to be home free!

Unfortunately it seems that my Uncle and his partner are bringing their baby with them (baby is nearly 1 year old) from New Zealand (we're getting married in Australia) and as excited as I am to meet my newest cousin, I am not at all happy with him coming to the wedding. My parents think I will cause unnecessary family drama by offering to arrange a babysitter for them considering they've come so far to attend my wedding. I asked a friend with a similar aged child how she'd feel and she thought it would be okay, but apparently family like drama.

Are my parents correct, am I being childish by desperately not wanting a baby at my wedding? I am definitely not much of a child person, and every wedding I've been to that has children at it has been interrupted by one of them screaming during the ceremony - something I'd be really pissed off about. I've been very chilled about most things with this wedding - it's just a big party that I happen to be getting married at right? Well, I don't invite children to my parties so why should I have to have one at my wedding?

What do you think?

*****

ONE BABY will not ruin your wedding. You're gonna be so blissed out you won't even notice the thing.

Clémence Poesy by Ellen Von Unwerth via Sarah Dobson via bienenkiste

I'm not f*ing catholic!

Dear ESB-

So my question deals with our wedding but also the future in general.  I am not one of those girls who has always dreamed about my wedding and has everything down to a T, but I did know I wanted to get married outside and I didn’t want to have a religious ceremony.  Enter my fiancé who happens to come from a large catholic family.  When we got engaged it was just assumed by everyone in his family that we would have a catholic wedding, even though they know I am not catholic.  Even family members who eloped were then pressured to have a catholic wedding afterwards.  Shortly after getting engaged, I agreed to have a catholic wedding  (I was still in the dreaminess of being engaged and feeling generous), which I have come to regret.  A catholic wedding is not that important to my husband but is very important to his family, a nonreligious ceremony is very important to me. I feel resentful because my fiancé has pressed for what is more important to his family than important to me.

Fast forward, I am now thinking about the future since part of getting married in a catholic church is agreeing to raise your kids catholic.  I know his parents are going to ask we baptize our kids and raise them catholic and then send them to catholic school, I feel like fiancé will side with what is important to them and not to me and I will come off like a frigid bitch.  Even though kids are far off into the future this concerns me since I have always wanted to educate my kids about different religions and let them make a choice that best suits them.  What really gets under my skin is recently we were lectured about how we should really go to catholic church more often and I wanted to say “I’m not f*ing catholic!”

My fiancé says I should concentrate on the present and not the future.  I say it would be stupid to get married without looking at our future.  I am just afraid I will always have to take a back seat to him and his family.  I almost get the sense they feel entitled to have things go their way or their way is the only way.  I guess I am not really sure what I am asking but has anyone else experienced and had things worked out, any recommendations?  Should we work this out before we get married, should I have something in the prenup?  Should I just suck it up and give in. I have no clue.

-Nonreligious bride

Ps. I should mention we have talked about this many times with no resolution. Me basically stating what I want and him stating "I guess we will wait and see"

*****

You have got to work this out before you get married.

If your FH is not willing to stand up for you now, good fucking luck getting him to stand up for you five years from now.

(Photo by Wendy Bevan for Marie Claire Italia via TaHe via Fashion Gone Rogue)

Can I put my niece in the wedding but not my nephew?

Dear ESB,

I am torn about having children in our wedding party. My fiance and I love kids and want some in our wedding, but what we don't want is a whiny child irritating us right before we walk down the aisle. 

My nephew is 4 and rather shy, also kind of whiny. I love him whole-heartedly, but worry that he wouldn't want to walk down the aisle for a crowd of 250. On the other hand, my niece (from my other sister) is not shy and will totally wow the audience. Then there are four others who we feel we can't exclude. And so now, to forgo any baby-drama, we are considering x'ing out all the nieces and nephews who may or may not enjoy this wedding day duty.

Okay, so my question is: Can I have one, but not the other? Will my sister be totally hurt if I exclude her kid? Do I just get over it and let him be in the wedding? Do I have all of them - six total?! Help!

*****

Uh, YEAH your sister will be hurt. You've gotta use all the kids or none of them.

Keep in mind, they can still hang out and be cute and shit without butting in on the ceremony. (See: The above photo Chau sent me from her Houston wedding.)

How can we entertain the kids?

Dear ESB,

We're getting married in June in Brooklyn - about 50 peeps, lovely restaurant with a small garden to ourselves. We're wondering about the kids: there'll be 6 (our nieces and nephews, 2 girls/4 boys) aged 5-12 and we're worried about how to keep them entertained for the 9-odd hours. Mine haven't met his before (I'm from the other side of the world). We don't want them getting bored, bugging their parents, who won't be able to enjoy themselves or decide to go home. We're concerned because we've seen this happen over and over again at other gatherings. The kids are very savvy and have every sort of Wii/iPod/insert gadget which I don't want them playing with at the wedding. They're not brats, we adore them, but would you have any ideas on how we can keep them busy and having fun? There'll be dancing and a photobooth which should help.

Appreciate your wise words and those of your readers!

Cheers from Sydney

PS Not a fan of bridal parties so none of them are flowergirls or that sort of thing.

*****

Mkay. You want the kids to have a good time, but you're planning to take away their toys??*

I say set up a Wii ROOM, and hire a really fun babysitter who will keep them out of their parents' hair.

(Image via YIMMY'S YAYO)
______________________________

*No boy in the history of weddings has ever gone out on the dance floor.

Help! How can we scare away the kids?

Hey Lady,

I need your help if you have the time. My future husband and I are not interested in having kids at the wedding, but there are over 30 kids from 0-18 in or combined families. The thing that makes this tricky is that my entire family lives on the other side of the country and every aunt or uncle has at least one under 4 year old that can't be left at home. I know that we can't afford the nanny fees for 32 kids, but, I would hate to ask my entire family to fly to our wedding and then figure out something to do with their kids.

Is there some alternative solution that I can offer to our invitees in order to encourage grown-up guests but discourage the under 18 crowd?

--Kids are expensive

****

Let me get this straight.

You don't want kids at your wedding, but you "would hate to ask" your aunts and uncles not to bring their kids?

Why don't you tell them you're doing an S&M themed reception? Then maybe they'll choose to leave the kids at home.

(Photo by Julie Blackmon via Bliss)

Will my friends with kids come to my wedding?

Dear ESB,

My partner and I are planning a wedding for next summer at a lovely state park about an hour and a half outside our city. We'll be renting an isolated barn-type building in the park for the ceremony/reception and there's camping allowed on the grassy lawn outside the barn as well. In addition the park has rustic cabins AND there's a retreat center with nicer accommodations for parents, grandparents, and others who need their own bathroom and other comforts.

This sounds like the best of all possible worlds (we get our rustic, camp wedding and the family will be comfortable as well), but I'm getting freaked out that my friends with kids won't come. I have a number of friends who have young kids, are pregnant now or trying. Do you think they'd drive 1.5 hrs to come to a wedding in a state park where they might have to stay in a cabin or camp? Some of these people are very close friends and it's important to me that they're there and feel comfortable/taken care of.

Thoughts? Any other tips for making a wedding attractive/doable for families with young kids?

*****

Since I'm no expert on kids (THANK GOD), I passed this one off to Kristina, of Lovely Morning and 100 Layer Cake and mom-of-Dashiell fame.

Here's what she had to say:

Your wedding already sounds perfectly attractive/doable for families with and expecting kids! My totally unprofessional opinion is that you're way over-thinking this. It's super nice that you want to make your friends with babies feel welcome and taken care of, but don't stress that they won't come. It's not like you're asking them to fly to Italy so you can be married in an ancient Tuscan farmhouse four hours from the nearest airport. You're asking them to drive 90 minutes up the freeway. We haven't attended a wedding that close to our house in at least 3 years. And we're the friends with the baby. Next year we're flying to Costa Rica and Florida for good friends' weddings because regardless of the effort it takes to schlep our little dude and all his stuff with us, we wouldn't miss their weddings for anything. (Plus how cute is 1st birthday in Costa Rica!?!)

Your BFFs will be there no matter what. People with newborns aren't going to be fired up about bedding down in a tent for the weekend, but like you said, there's a nice option for those who are feeling less adventurous.

Check this little piece of stress off your mental list, lady. You're good!

(Photo of Nye and... is that Ella or Amelia? by Peonies and Polaroids)

Problem Child

Dear ESB,

My fiance and I have enjoyed a long engagement. In the earliest of wedding planning stages, we asked my fiance's sister if her son Eli* could be our ring-bearer. Eli is my fiance's only nephew. He is three years old. He's adorable. We love him to pieces. Over the past year, however, Eli has become a problem child. So much so, he has been kicked out of his preschool, and his exasperated parents are seeking behavioral therapy for him. He's ornery, unruly and unpredictable. My fiance and I are exchanging vows in a beautiful, impeccably preserved plantation home listed on the National Register. (Antiques! Winding staircase! Gardens! So many danger zones for Eli!) We are a month-and-a-half away from our wedding day, and my fiance's sister has emailed me about What Eli Should Wear. How do we tell her that we are not only having second thoughts about him being our ring-bearer, but we are now considering NO KIDS AT ALL at our ceremony?

Thank you,
Worried Bride

*name changed to protect the not-so-innocent little boy

*****

WB, can I tell you something? Ring bearers kind of skeeve me out.

I’m willing to tolerate the occasional flower girl, but the whole idea of clipping a bow tie onto a little boy and sending him down the aisle clutching a beribboned pillow when he would really rather be whacking something (or someone) with a stick….

Anyhoo.

Tell your future sister-in-law the truth. You love "Eli" to death, but no way are you letting him anywhere near your impeccable antique-y plantation-home wedding.

XOXO,
ESB

(Photo by Christina Richards. Please note: This kid might actually be construed as adorable. Nothing to do with the bow tie, in my opinion.)

guest post: Chelsea on flower girls

I am so happy to be on East Side Bride today sharing my favorite picks for flower girl dresses! I adore flower girls and prefer dozens of them at a wedding any day over too many bridesmaids. I think the prettiest flower girl dresses are not from a bridesmaid or wedding dress company but from children's designers, vintage shops or made by hand.



These effortless silk dresses from Ses Petites Mains are simple, lovely and can be worn over and over again.




Eliza Gran is one of my favorite clothing designers so I am thrilled that she’s begun to design dresses for flower girls. Above are a few dresses from seasons past but you can email her to get more info.




Flora & Henri is a gorgeous children's clothing company out of Seattle and these two beautiful dresses happen to be on sale right now.




I spotted this vintage dress on Etsy and I think it would be super sweet for a flower girl!




I love these vintage patterns (also found on Etsy) and think they'd be adorable sewn up on a Liberty cotton, or a linen, or silk.



I hope this is helpful to some brides out there. Enjoy the process!!
Here are a few more shops to check out:
Misha Lulu
Peek Aren’t You Curious
Neige Clothing
Emma & Avery


If you'd like to see more of my favorite weddings + kids style, please visit Frolic! Thanks for letting me visit today!
-Chelsea

non-j.crew alternatives for flower girls?

Nikki emailed me to ask for help with flower girl style. Here's her dilemma:

We are not having a traditional bridal party but decided that it would be fun to have my only niece participate as our flower girl. My wedding dress is a short number from Elizabeth Dye and so I want something equally sassy, sweet and fun for the flower girl (but not clone-like or anything). David's bridal makes me want to puke and I have tried a little etsy searching which only resulted in lots of tutus. I am hoping you have a non-j.crew alternative for me as I really do not even know where to begin.

As I've said before, I'm no expert on kids, so I brought in the big guns in on this one. A guest post from Chelsea of {frolic!} is up next. Chelsea always has a super sweet, easygoing vision of clothes for little girls (maybe because her three-year-old niece is so cool?)

Photo by Chelsea Fuss. Misha Lulu dress modeled by Millie.

PEZ for the kids and turquoise for the bride

Heidi emailed me this morning as I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself:*

Hi Again! Wanted to say thanks again for the awesome ideas for the kids at the wedding. Things went swimmingly. We did however run out of time... (and... um... money) and ended up getting the kids pez dispensers instead. (FYI... KIDS LOVE pez dispensers & when then lose and or get tired of them.. you know you only spent a couple of bucks anyways). Just thought i'd pass a couple pics along. FYI, i know you've been featuring some rings lately, so i thought i'd send a ring shot... i am a non-diamond fan.. but i have this retardedly huge love for turquoise. My mr. found this most lovely turquoise and diamond ring at erie basin and that was my engagement ring. He did such a fab job. My band was my grandmothers... My new MIL made my dress and the flower girls dresses... and they were TO DIE FOR...

It was a blast. We were lucky. We had the most GORGEOUS weather... and now it's over & i have the kindest and most sarcastic man i could have hoped for.... yeah for crazy artist husbands!

*****

Mkay. PEZ???!!

Heidi, I'm not gonna lie. I was pissed at you for about five seconds. I honestly think it would be better to buy nothing for the kids than plastic crap. (I feel the same way about favors, obv.)

But then the photos loaded and your adorable face beamed up at me. How could I be pissed at you? Plus your vintage ring is gorg. I love the way you brought the turquoise into your wedding colors. And hellooo, nice shoes on the mister!

* The wind is riling up allergies I didn't know I had. I don't wanna go into it.

Treasures, Wings (gift ideas for ring bearers and flower girls)

Heidi asked me:

Hey, Just curious if you have any ideas for gifts for the kids in a wedding. We have 2 ring bearers and 2 flower girls that are nieces and nephews and we want to get them something small that doesn't suck.. We talked about finding cool wooden toys that they could keep... but we're just a couple of weeks from the wedding and I don't know when or where we could find them. Any thoughts on a cool alternative?

Since I certainly can't claim to be an expert on kids (I don't hate them, I just don't hang out with them very often) I decided to call in the Kid Whisperer herself: Amanda of First Milk. Below are her lovely suggestions.


In my mind, the best gifts for littles are simple, charming. So. A smattering of small things that do not suck for loving-up flower girls, ring bearers and other tiny guests.

1. Costumes. I buy a lot of these for small friends, and find they lend themselves to whimsy without creating chaos. I've had great success with capes for running fastly in (I like these from Little Adventures) and wings (feathered or fairy) for spinning about as the evening grows dark. And any costume shop should have a good selection of the sorts of hats, crowns, noses and masks that make littles grin.

2. Soothing pretties. For favors homemade and sweet, I direct you to Peonies and Polaroids' gifts for her own tiny wedding guests: A squidgy bunny for the tiniest little, and a sweet, homemade bag with wax crayons and coloring pages for another. If you're not a DIYer, you might find a jellycat friend, like this junglie spotty giraffe, or a pleasant puppet. Such lovely presents would make me behave splendidly.

3. Treasures in a tin box. Littles love small treasures, and I would wager that a quick trip to your local toy store would turn up all sorts of classic, party-appropriate friends: finger puppets, mustaches, pinwheels and pig noses, bubbles and brave knights. For what is better than a box of treasures for no one but you?

(Image by pfotos)

Topanga Wedding

Hey there,

In the months leading up to the wedding I regularly visited your blog for trusted bursts of inspiration. It was a pleasure to escape the hellish wedding magazine culture and find a place dedicated to like-minded brides. So, I suppose this is my little way of giving back...

The ceremony took place at the Topanga Community House (site of the annual Topanga Days music festival). We were lucky enough to share the ceremony with some goats hired to clean brush around the grounds this summer. They were a great audience - their BAAAing throughout the ceremony kept everyone from getting emotional (yay!).


I turned some craft birds from Michael's into a bride and groom to top the cake & had a groom's cake made in the image of Darth Vader for Mark, my Star Wars-loving hubby. We nixed the idea of a traditional wedding party and instead had our sisters accompany us at the alter adorned in matching Milly dresses (in different colors). Most of the pictures were taken by Mollie Jane Photography. The flowers were provided by my friend Rebecca at Lily Pad Floral Design, and help was provided by another dear friend who is starting up her own event planning company, Jen Peterson Events.


There were wildflowers, vintage doilies, mason jars, mismatched plates & silverware, bluegrass music, a country band (Old Californio featuring Dave Gleason), a kids table (which I highly recommend! ..kept them busy all night!!), a candy buffet, my vintage dress and headpiece from Paris 1900, and a delectable buffet from Joan's on Third - all of which came together to create a truly memorable evening! Everyone really seemed to enjoy themselves and we heard over and over that the wedding was just so "you guys," which made us feel like the mission was accomplished!



Thanks again,
Sara

Hell. Yes.

Wee Groom Style

It often skeeves me out when they dress kids up for weddings. (Please don't put little boys in tuxedos. Ever.)

But these two are rockin it. They actually like what they're wearing. Either that or the photographer, Leo Patrone, is a genius.

Via The Bride's Cafe

DIY Andy Warhol

This inspires me to do something similar for the kids' table. (I see wedding everywhere, people.)

I have an artist friend who has already done amazing black and white drawings of the scenery at my ceremony/reception location. We can xerox the images (if she'll permit me), staple into a little coloring book, and put 'em out with boxes of crayons!

Warhol's Do It Yourself (Landscape), 1962 and Do It Yourself (Flowers), 1962 courtesy of MoMA's first online exhibit.