This one didn't make the cut

Partly because it's 100% poly and partly because I AM SO SICK OF CUT-OUTS WHO DOES THAT LOOK GOOD ON

But let's all stare at the model's enormous head for a second. Creepy and yet mesmerizing, no?





K scuse me while I disappear for a few days and go shoot a movie

Self-Wedding In-A-Box !!!

I don't even know how to begin making fun of this.

But I want you to know that Jeffrey & Bonnie want you to know that the Self-Wedding In-A-Box makes the ultimate wedding party favor.

About 2 ½ years ago we had a backyard wedding BUT with a twist. We wrote special vows for our guests and made 120 sterling silver rings and after our ceremony was over, we married our guests to themselves. The day, the occasion was about celebration and love and we wanted our friends to feel what we were feeling. Guests keep telling us even now, "I haven't taken my ring off since your wedding." "It holds so much meaning for me!", "It reminds me every day that I'm special."

This is the kind of shit that gives California a bad name.

When you can't forget the gifts you didn't get.

I was just reading this terrific piece on the Billfold, which led me over to this NY Times piece.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I mean, the people the Times interviewed are mostly old (and rich). But TWENTY YEARS LATER they're still dwelling on who didn't give them a wedding gift??

I just want to say -- right here and now -- to all the friends who didn't give us a gift:

It means so much to me that you made it to our wedding. Or didn't. Maybe you didn't even make it to the wedding. WEDDINGS ARE EXPENSIVE. But we invited you because we love you and we still love you and, just so you know, it matters not ONE IOTA that you didn't buy us anything.

As Emily Gould puts it:

There are so many other costs associated with attending a wedding, especially if you’re in the wedding party or it’s a destination wedding… I know it’s a token and sentimental and that people are generally understanding, but somehow adding a salad spinner to the $450 hotel, $200 dress and $800 plane ticket tends to be the straw that breaks this camel’s back. But that’s both irrational and kind of dickish of me. I’m trying to be better.

IT'S NOT IRRATIONAL! IT'S TOTALLY RATIONAL!

How bout we just do away with the damn wedding gifts already?


Ina Jang for Jalouse April 2012 via Visual Optimism

here's an *actual* shoe shopping challenge

Hi ESB!

So I'm wearing this most perfect dress in the world- I wear it around my house all the time for fun and I cannot wait to get married in it. I am 5'10" and I'm getting married outside, on grass. 

WHAT SHOES do I wear? It's in October, so closed-toe is preferable. Thanks so much for helping me plan my wedding, one blog post at a time. 

Size + Budg: 9-10, and preferably below $200 but I'm willing to splurge for something real good.

*****

SHUT UP YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT DRESS

I'm throwing this one out to you guys, but…. Some sort of cheetah/leopard calf hair situation would be amazing. (Ahem)

p.s. wtf is going on with these animal toe shoes. pls discuss.

As if cupcakes weren't bad enough....

CAKE-CUPS??????????????



ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????



I might stop doing Dear ESB's and just focus on ridiculing the ridiculous press releases that keep hitting my inbox.

p.s. Hi! I'm home!

Speaking of Stone Fox Bride....

The new lookbook just hit.

I am all about Jemima Kirke + all about Pam Love, but DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO MAKE THEM KISS?

Is it that hard to find a couple of women who aren't already married to men??

These two fine young gentlemen in wedding dresses, however, almost make up for it.

(Photos by Cass Bird for Stone Fox Bride)

Is this a thing now?

this Burberry Prorsum taffeta dress juxtaposes a polished strapless neckline with a contrasting built-in bra.

I mean, I'm all for a built-in bra. But. Really?

via Tessa

HAVE I LOST MY EDGE YOU GUYS??

1. I have linked to BHLDN twice in the past 8 days. Unsnarkily.

2. I have sponsors and I actually like them and I sometimes worry that I mention them on the blog a) too much or b) not enough.

3. I just emailed Malin + Goetz, again, to beg free product for review. WTF? I mean, yeah, $48 for glycolic acid pads is def not in the budget right now, but HAVE I NO SHAME?

4. Omigod I hate myself. I'm going to target to shop for a new mattress cover and a bamboo flatware organizer and maybe a tiny digital kitchen scale because my big stupid plastic one with the matching plastic bowl does not fit in our new cupboards. kthxbye

Photo by Jed Root via Kylea Borges via Egle Šlipaitytė

Ban.do does Bjork

Do we love this?

Or is it too renewing-my-vows-in-Machu-Picchu......?


Such a fine line.

Via Oh Joy!

STOP THE MADNESS

Barefoot wedding shoes??

And you thought the wedding UGGS were ugly.

For the TOMS BRIDE

Since your sister is REFUSING to send you a photo of the dress with the Toms, a kind reader has mocked up a photo for you.

Vow renewal on top of Machu Picchu

So I got married almost a year ago, and to celebrate our first anniversary we're heading to Peru to hang out in the Amazon and amongst the Inca ruins.

Now I can guess in advance you're against renewal ceremonies, but hey I love this man insanely, and want to tell this guy I love him all over again. I've arranged a little renewal ceremony up on top of the mountain where Machu Picchu is with a shaman.

What the hell do I wear to this?

*****

Yeah. Like I said over here, a vow renewal implies -- to me -- that someone has broken a vow.

But that's not my biggest problem with your plan.

Here's the bigger problem: Unless you have an actual connection to Peruvian/Andean culture, "arranging a little ceremony" to coincide with your vacation strikes me as an asshole move. 

I mean, a pair of atheists or Jews or fucking METHODISTS would never be permitted to get married (or renew their vows) in a Catholic church, right? So why is it cool to just waltz into Peru and hire a shaman?

Should you insist on going forward with this, tribal hats may be purchased on etsy.

um.

these pics are gorg. nice light. yada yada.

BUT WHERE'S THE FUCKING BREAKFAST?

i'm just saying. if it's a "breakfast with" series...?

Bri Emery by Bonnie Tsang

bridezilla wants to make me pay for makeup

My dear ESB,

I am slightly disgruntled because I don't quite want to be a part of this bridal party, but there really was no way for me to say no. For various reasons that I won't delve into.

To add on top of the irritation (and slight guilt), the bride wants to "require" us to do our hair and makeup but is not offering to pay for it.

What are your thoughts on this sitch?? I've only been part of weddings where the bride has either paid for it or just let us do our own styling, and these were very close friends of mine. I really don't want to be expected to throw down an extra few hundred dollars for hair and makeup for a wedding that I'm already not keen on being a part of.

I swear I'm trying hard not to be a total bitch...

*****

My thoughts on this sitch are: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

If the bride is that concerned about you being camera ready, SHE GETS TO PAY FOR THE STYLING.

Period. End of story.

Photo by Richard Burbridge for I-D via Fashion Gone Rogue

Hey Anon, I've got something for you

It's A GRAIN OF SALT. Several, in fact.



I think you might need them.

Do you take everything you read that literally?

Dear ESB, why is the internet so STUPID.

Thought you might enjoy this Google “smart ad” that has been popping up after reading your blog! The shoes totally class up the dress, right?

*****

Omigah.

I recently googled "Neptune Society" (don't ask. and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LOOK IT UP) and now I get their uber creepy ads all over the place.

Seeking: A FABULOUS FAKE

Dear ESB,

I'm looking for a fabulous fake diamond. My fiance proposed with an awesomely artistic wooden promise ring as a place holder because he knows how specific I can be. So I've been searching for the perfect ring and found it but I know the actual diamond will cut into our savings.

We are paying for the wedding, ourselves, putting a downpayment on a home and getting a new car in the very immediate future. I figure we can cut costs by getting a quality 2.5 - 3 carat fake and upgrade it later. So I'm looking for a fabulous fake for now that is undetectable to the naked eye and I want the OO's and Ah's to ensue.

I know that I can spot a Cubic Zirconia rainbow sparkle a mile away but not much more after that. Any advice?

Thanks in advance!

*****

Wear your AWESOME PROMISE RING until you can afford a $10,000 diamond.

Or: Spend the damn money if the OO's and Ah's are that important to you. Which, barf.

Emerald Cut Ring (pictured in bronze with sterling jewel) by Digby & Iona. The only sort of fake you'll ever catch me endorsing.

HAIR!

Dear ESB,

I have long, thick, heavy hair. And by long, I mean like I have to ensure it doesn't fall in the loo when I take a wee.

I usually wear it down, or piled high in a messy rat's nest bun on the top of my head, held together by three, yes, three elastics.

Problem is, I want to look somewhat less like a hobo, and more like a sexy biatch for my wedding.

I went for a hair trial (ugh) on the weekend, and got them to do something like this. Looked great... for about an hour, then it lost all its volume with the weight of my hair, and turned into a saggy mess that looked worse than my usual tangles. Even with the 6 million pins the hair dresser used.

Any suggestions on a badass sexy hairstyle that will hold up my heavy hair? I also have a killer low backed dress, and didn't really wanna cover it up by having my hair down. Or should I just suck it up, and chop a foot or so off my locks?

xox,
Cousin It

*****

CHOP IT ALREADY. Jesus.

Image by Riitta Ikonen

The new BHLDN?

(click to enlarge)

Stone Fox Bride. Could be genius. Could be a faux-indie-wedding nightmare.

Note: Not all stone foxes need the hook-up on yoga studios, acupuncturists and ASTROLOGISTS. (I just threw up in my mouth a little.)

Anyhoo. Can I get a volunteer to go check out the store -- and snap pics, obv -- the instant they open?

Thank you, Stephanie, for the heads-up. Whatever would I do without you??

UM. Really?

Tank dress (if we can call it that) made in Los Angeles by Raquel Allegra.  

After I defended you, LA.