Nah to Lasagna

Hi ESB,

I am just beginning the process of wedding planning and I am stuck on finding a venue (duh, right?) Anyway, I am torn between picking a venue that has an all-inclusive package type deal or a venue that will require me to piece-meal shit together. So far, the one all-inclusive I have looked at seems a little janky and like we might have to be like "uh we don't want your weird lasagna tho" and then they'll be like "well fine but it's like $2000 extra then, guys." 

Any thoughts on pros and cons of the two different situations? I want the whole thing to be as simple as possible, really, but I also don't want it to be gross.

Thank you,
Nah To Lasagna

*****

Pick Any Two:

[  ] As simple as possible

[  ] As cheap as possible

[  ] Good



Rachel Rutt By Bec Lorrimer For Yen (November 2011) via Le Fashion — Anyone know who did the collage?

MIL is CRAZY!!

Dear ESB, 

My wedding is not until the end of January and my future MIL is driving me BAT SHIT CRAZY. I need your sage, blunt advice. 

First some background, the wedding is being thrown in my hometown. But my fiance and his family are from a city a few hours away. Also, my fiance's parents do not make millions of dollars and are very frugal people. So naturally, I had assumed that my fiance and I would pay for the rehearsal dinner. But my FMIL insisted that she pay for the dinner. When I got quotes form various restaurants, I sent her the most affordable ones. She chose one that she said she could afford and made a deposit on reserving the room for the dinner. She also offered to pay for the hotel room of our officiant. 

Lately, my FMIL has been complaining to my fiance about all the money she has wasted on the rehearsal dinner! (Even though she has only paid the deposit.) She is also complaining about hotel prices for the officiant. We've offered to pay for everything several times and she insists that she can. 

How much longer do we have to listen to her complain? I am growing increasingly nervous that she can't actually afford anything she's agreed to and am worried that we'll be stuck with the bill at the end of the night. Should we just go ahead and plan to pay for everything even though she is saying she'll pay for it?

Best, 
BAT SHIT CRAZY BRIDE!

*****

a) Until the wedding. Possibly longer.... She may not let go of this until she's dead.

b) Yes

Photo by Robert Trachtenberg for Tatler (August 2011) via Fashion Gone Rogue

FMIL Should Put Up or Shut Up

Dear ESB,

I'll just come right out and say it: my future mother-in-law is a cunt. Every step of the wedding planning process has been a nightmare dealing with her. When we picked our original date, she threw a fit about it being too soon and insisted we push it back by an additional 10 months. It was no skin off my nose at the time, so I agreed. Mistake. Pretty soon I got the feeling that that was a test I failed on who was really in control, as every decision I have made from there on out regarding the wedding has been met with resistance from her.

I initially wanted to get married in my hometown city; she protested that it was too far for the elderly members of my fiancé's family to travel. So we picked a new city, one that allowed for an equal amount of travel between both  of our families. I tried to sit down and discuss finances with her; although we agreed to roughly split things 50/50 between our families, she insisted she would only talk in depth about it with my parents in person (they live in my hometown city, over 1,000 miles away) and even then, only after we had already picked a venue and had some price points to present. Fine. We road-tripped to the city we'd picked and found a lovely chapel and reception hall, as well as a great caterer for the intimate event we had planned (70 guests total).

The deposit for the church is $500. The deposit for the caterer is $2,000. I suggested we split the $2,500 between the six of us (my parents, his parents, and my fiancé and I), and my FMIL is now refusing to put in for the deposit. She feels it is 1. too much money and 2. goes against "the principle" of the bride's family taking care of everything regarding the wedding.

She also feels like they shouldn't have to put down money because my fiancé's guest list is smaller than mine so they'll have fewer of "their" people there, and because they already have to pay clothes, airfare, hotel blocks, transportation for the family that is traveling, etc. (My list has exactly five people more than his.)

Here's an excerpt from a text she sent me:

"You have way more people than us & it's not fair that we have to come up w/ that amount for only a handful of people on a deposit, makes no sense... So come up w/ the $500 to secure the place & find some other caterers. Nothing else is to be discussed until we converse in person."

My fiancé's father is pretty much following her lead. She says my parents and I should either pay both deposits ourselves or book just the venue and get a cheaper caterer later. This caterer is all-inclusive (plated food, cake stand, tables, chairs, linens, silverware, glassware, beer and wine, servers, bartenders, and set-up/breakdown) for $4000; it doesn't get much cheaper than that, short of doing it ourselves.

My fiancé has tried reasoning with her but she won't budge. He said he's fine with he and I splitting the deposits with my parents, but I kind of want to just chuck the whole thing at this point and elope. My mother has also offered to gift us $3,000 for the entire endeavor to do whatever we want. Should we go for the elopement? How do we break that to his parents?

Sincerely,
My FMIL Is A Cunt

*****

You don't want her f*cking money. If you can't afford the wedding without it, then yes, you should elope.

Do the thing FIRST. Then breaking the news is easy: "We eloped!"

(Resist the urge to add: "Who's in control now, bitch?")

Marta Kowalska by Paolo Colaiocco for Kneon (Summer 2013) via COUPDEFOUDRE

Can I Uninvite My Dad?

Dear ESB,

First, I would like to say thank you for bringing humor and snark to the wedding planning process. I probably shouldn't admit that I read around 7 wedding blogs a day but yours is always the first. I'm hoping that you will have some advice for me. 

My dad left when I was young, stopped paying child support and overall just kind of sucked at the whole being a dad thing. I was angry with him for most of my teens and early twenties but I decided that the anger was really only hurting me and that I needed to accept him for who he is if I'm going to have him as part of my life. Since doing that our relationship is okay, not great. Long before I was ever engaged I decided that I would have my mom (who is awesome) walk me down the aisle for my wedding but I always dreaded having to tell my dad. However, when the time came I pulled up my big girl pants and we went to lunch and I told him how I felt. It was a good talk and he was supportive of my decision and even offered to give me a small(ish) amount of money to help with the wedding. He also asked for a father daughter dance and I agreed. 

Fast forward 8 months later, my wedding is only 2 months away and he has given me a quarter of the money that he promised and has overall been avoiding me and flaking out on any plans. I confronted him about it and he apologized but said that my grandmother (his mom) and my stepmom are "pissed" about the wedding and that is why he hasn't given me the money and has been avoiding me. We had lunch shortly after and he explained that my stepmom basically doesn't think that I deserve any money from him (I guess that's why he never paid child support). At this lunch he told me that we would have dinner with my stepmom to work things out that that he would definitely give me the money. 

Now it's two weeks later and nothing has happened and he's basically avoiding me again. It really isn't (and never was) about the money but now I sort of feel like I keep giving him chances because we really could use the extra money for the wedding. My sister and my mom want me to cut all ties with him and uninvite them to the wedding and my fiance is starting to be on the same page. I'm torn, can I just uninvite my dad to my wedding?

Sincerely,
Daddy Issues?

P.S. The amount of money is basically enough to cover the cost of attendance for the 6 members of his family. 

*****

Do you want to sever all ties?

Do you want your dad out of your life FOREVER?

He's clearly not the one holding the checkbook, and also he is a complete wuss, and that sucks.

But if you rescind their invitation to the wedding you will just be validating what your stepmother has told him all along: you don't deserve the money.


TAVI by Petra Collins via Pamela Love

SEEKING: this Dolce for 2K or less

Dear ESB,

Terrified by the thought of wearing a white poofy/strapless/sweat heart/trumpet/cupcake gown, I have been looking and looking for a unique gown that still reads wedding. I've seen great alt bridal at Stone Fox, Bona Drag, etc. but I'm 5'8'', size 6 with a lot of T (34DD) and A so a drop-waist, plunging neck, backless, slip something isn't going to cut it. 

I stalked this Dolce number online and knew it would be love. I tried it on and it was PERFECT. The floral print practically became my vision for my September farm wedding in Maine. The ruching was really flattering. It was the perfect amount of sexy and everything was contained.

Coming back to Earth -- this dress is 5,000. My budget is 2,000 or less. I can't spend the champagne money on this dress. I'm back on the hunt, but not sure I'll find anything as unique. I'm also in a bit of time crunch (wedding is end of Sept 2013). 

Thoughts??

thnx a mill!

*****

WHO FEELS LIKE SHOPPING??


I'm busy obsessing about tables. We marked it out on the floor, and it seems my perfect perfect perfect table is too deep for the space. (Not too long, but too DEEP.) Sadface. I'm thinking we might have to go the custom route...

A tale of two dresses....

Dear ESB,

I have a tale of two dresses for you, followed by an opportunity for other ESB readers.

I fell in love with this orange ombre beauty [pictured above] via the wonderful (and extremely unhelpful) world of tumblr.  ... somehow I managed to track down the dress, and the artist who created it. I emailed her in hopes of being able to borrow it for my big day (we are on a budget and I was drastically trying to save some dough)... Months passed and I never heard back, so for fear of not having anything to wear, I went looking for something else... Enter Mara Hoffman: all seeing bridal gown...

This dress is stunning, it's to die for, and I'm tall and have small boobs so it actually worked on my body, problem solved, dress checked off the list. (1,200.00$ later).

A few weeks after I purchased the Mara beauty, I get an email from the lovely Martha Webb, expressing how much she'd love to loan me the gown, free of charge, for my big day... She sent it a few weeks later (from LONDON) and now I have the dress of my dreams, and I actually feel like this wedding is real.

This wedding is definitely real, as are all of the insane costs that are building up. So I would like to pass on the Mara Hoffman gown to another tall small boobed bride. It's a size 4 and has never been worn other than when I've tried it on a few times. Not sure if you've had anyone looking for this dress but I'm definitely ready to sell it, the sooner the better.

I will for sure be sending you lots of photos from the big day, which is 20 fucking days away.... (breeeeeath, keep breathing).

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

*****

It seems you weren't the first one to obsess over that ombre dress.... But I have a feeling you'll rock it harder than this no-boobed model.

WE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE PHOTOS.



**Update: the Mara Hoffman is gone. Long gone.**

Black shoes shouldn't be hard, right?

Hi ESB,

I'm a grad student and a bridesmaid at an upcoming wedding (Iowa in March), and blah blah blah, I need low-to-flat black shoes that are under $30 and I could preferably wear again to work. The best I can find is target, payless, or Forever 21 (this or this?).

The wedding has an old Hollywood glamour sort of feel, and the dress is simple, black, and plain. I'm not generally a stylish person (did I mention I was an engineering grad student?), so I was hoping that you or your stylish readers could help me?! I generally struggle with which t-shirt has the least holes, but aspire to more eventually.

Thanks!!!

*****

First off, please please PLEASE invest in a pair of shoes that costs more than $30. Shoes made of real leather, not "faux suede" or "faux patent leather" (What does that even mean? They're not patented??) or "thermoplastic rubber." With my apologies to the vegans. I mean, if you're vegan I guess those rubber ones wouldn't be the worst.

A good pair of shoes, say an $80 pair of shoes, or even a $120 pair, will last you four times as long as the $30 ones. Longer even, if you take good care of them and reheel them when they start to wear down. And they will be comfortable, and your feet won't get all sweaty and gross, and you won't get blisters while you're dancing at that wedding or tromping around at work.

Again, my apologies to the vegans. I don't know how you do it.

Anyhoo, dear reader, I'd go with something uber-simple like these Seychelles.

(Which you could even rock with a holey t-shirt. Who's got two thumbs and loves a t-shirt full of holes? This blogger.)

$59 down from $108 on Gilt for two more days

I need a Big Girl Dress

Dear ESB,

The first in my group of college girlfriends is getting married this summer, making this the first non-family wedding I'll ever attend. As such, I need a Big Girl Dress.

Although I love your luxe taste, I simply cannot afford 99% of the things you post (but that doesn't stop me from perusing your blog on an almost daily basis). I've been completely supporting myself since I was 18 so I know the value of a dollar and can't justify splurging a few hundred bucks on one frock, no matter how kick-ass the frock may be. This is where I need the help of you and your resourceful readers. 

I want a sophisticated but still somewhat edgy dress that is $100 or less. At the moment, I'm inclined towards this dress [pictured above] (I know how much you love Nasty Gal) or this dress (but Nordstrom is out of my size). I'm out of loop when it comes to awesome online stores so I'm hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

I love patterns as well as interesting necklines and hemlines (especially deep backs). I have a disproportionately long torso and short legs so super fitted skirts make my ass look saggy. The wedding is in Baltimore and I'm no longer used to high temperatures so my pits would appreciate something breathable. 

Signed,
Ready For The Big (Girl) Leagues

*****

Grey flannel does not say summer wedding to me. The Nasty Gal doesn't suck, but it reads very "young." I.E. If you're over 22 and out of college (which it sounds like you are) I wouldn't do it.

Also, polyester = eew. Not only is it not breathable, but cheap polyester can look REALLY CHEAP.

How bout this silk Wren dress?

Listed at $99 or best offer on eBay.

There are also some floral versions floating around. This one is listed at $49 or best offer, and the seller accepts returns. I fucking love an eBay seller who accepts returns. 

Seeking: Valentino heels (for a gazillionth less)

Hi ESB, 

So my FH and I are getting married at the end of October. Basically all I want is these shoes for a gazillionth of their actual price. We are getting married on a fruit farm with a little French style courtyard, cobbled stones and all. So, I love the idea of the midi heel on these Valentinos, plus I want to keep these babies on while dancing all night. And no, I don't have a dress yet - but I know it won't be white and it will most probably be an off the rail vintage lace thing.   

Here is the catch - I live in South Africa and since the rest of the world thinks that people in Africa don't do online shopping I can't get anything delivered here. But my salvation is that I will be spending about 3 months in Paris from April. So will the good people that read this here blog please scour the net for me? 

Thank you so kindly, 
Shoe-a-holic.

*****

Let me get this straight....... You're about to go to MOTHERFUCKING PARIS, but you want us to shop shoes for you on the internet??

Why Should I Bother With A Wedding Video?? An Incredibly Earnest Case For The Videographer (Sponsored by Love + Brain)

As you may have noticed, I never post wedding videos on the ol blog. I mean, who the eff wants to watch someone else's wedding video??

But Courtney of Love + Brain makes a compelling argument for why you should bother with a wedding video for YOU. (In fact, she actually makes me want to edit the footage from our wedding that I still haven't seen...)

Here she is....

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a video worth? As you struggle to cough up the funds for a “must have” wedding photographer, it’s hard to imagine shelling out even more cash for a wedding videographer.

Hi, my name is Courtney Arcese, and I'm 1/2 of Love + Brain Films, an indie wedding videography team based in Brooklyn, New York. I’ve been there. And I get it. As a former bride-to-be, I understand how stressful it can be to wrestle with a wedding budget. The following are, I hope, a few good reasons to consider saying, “hell yes!” to videography on your big day.

Style

Indie and intimate? Glamorous and cinematic? Whatever you and your groom’s wedding style is, there is a videographer or videography team perfect for your special day. There may be a lot more wedding photographers than there are videographers out there, but the diversity within videography is impressive. Check out an awesome wedding blog, 100 Layer Cake (full disclosure: I’m a vendor on their site!), which is an incredible resource to see film styles from Super 8 to HD movie productions.

Technology

Photographers capture singular moments, but videographers are able to capture the memories within the movement. Using wireless mics and videocameras with interchangeable lenses, we can document your wedding day and create beautiful films that are on par (or..... almost on par) with blockbuster movies. Videography allows you to watch and re-watch yourself and your partner recite your vows, hear and re-hear the words from your maid-of-honor’s speech, and scrutinize your first dance (moves that you practiced for six months after you bought ballroom dance lessons on Groupon).

The Future (and for your unborn children, of course)

Have you seen your grandparent’s wedding video? Your parent’s wedding video? I’m going to guess no, since wedding videography wasn’t widely available when our parents + grandparents were our age. But how amazing would it be now, to have video of them tying the knot? Consider it a digital heirloom. Do your kids and grandkids a favor; let’s hope they thank you when you’re old.

...But Why Is It So Much #$%*-ing Money?

A videographer’s equipment ain’t cheap. Top of the line DSLR cameras (what most videographers use for weddings) cost $3,000+ ... and they probably have two (or three) just for back-up on your big day. Lenses, the good ones, are anywhere from $800-$2,000 each! Videographers, depending how long they’ve been in the biz, have a handful of different lenses that allow them to capture moments and provide different effects for the final video. Videographers also have a wide range of accessories that help create fluid moving footage. Monopods, tripods and steadicams are all tools that we use to make our work look professional (not like your teenage cousin used her flip cam to record the entire day). Those accessories, along with editing software like Final Cut Pro, all add up to be a huge investment that videographers take on, because we want to provide a professional service to couples.

Alternatively, the wedding video sector is still continuing to evolve and grow, and there are always options like hiring a newbie, or negotiating a deal with a videographer that allows them to capture a unique wedding or gives them option to travel (hello! destination weddings, anyone?!). I can’t speak for all videographers here, but I almost always have a little room to negotiate for the right couple or situation. Things like off-season weddings or non-Saturday weddings are also all great ways to find a deal!

Conclusion

Whether or not you’re on a budget, videography can be a big financial commitment (though not necessarily as big as you think). But hey, it’s your wedding day and it’s hopefully only going to happen once. You’ve spent a whole lotta time preparing for this one day, so rally the troops, cut a few non-important people off your guest list and invest in capturing your day through video. Your wedding day will fly by, but you can continue to enjoy and remember how amazing it was!

p.s. If you couldn't be bothered to read the above, you can watch this cheesy stop-motion movie I made as an alternative.



Gaaaaaaaaaah it's a letter to esb! I am so famous!!

Photo of Courtney and her husband Brian (the other half of Love + Brain) by For You Love Me

hung up on Valentino

Hello! 

I wrote previously regarding my long-term blah blah who cares. It all worked out and we are getting married in September! I am hung up on this dress (image attached that I shot hastily of a magazine ad).

I can see that it's Valentino and therefore about $10k out of my budget. Do you or your readers have any ideas of where I could find something similar? It is perfection.  

I will cross my fingers. I don't even know quite how to begin to search for something like this!

*****

Good news! I found the dress on sale. ($15,000 down from 22K!)

Dear ESB: Should I spend 5K on this dress?

I’m hoping that you will be able to help me out on this search. After trying on about 50 dresses and hating the way I look in almost all of them (big tush, hate poof, hate satin, no bows, no tulle) – I found this dress that I can’t stop thinking about. The photo is of me, because I can’t find this dress on the interwebs yet, and please excuse my bra peeking out.

I’d buy it tomorrow – but with tax/alterations/etc it’s around $4500. My incredible mother (who, along with my father, offered to pay for half of our wedding) wants to buy my dress for me as a present – and I just can’t ask her to spend almost $5K on this.

Again, there are no runway front-on photos, apparently it’s “too new” or something for Marchesa (me, jeans and t-shirt loving girl, in Marchesa, really?) but it is light, and flowy with a natural waist and very little embellishment, and the draping of the material, down the length of the dress makes me feel tall and that my huge butt is not quite as overwhelming – and also makes me feel really special and pretty and lovely. (It seems so simple, natural waist, sweetheart neck, romantic and light - but I'm just not seeing it out there!)

Do I just keep looking? Please help!

Thanks a million,
notgoodatshopping

*****

Marchesa Schmarchesa. You look great in that dress, but I damn sure wouldn't spend $4500 on it.

How bout this Liz Dye (for $1200)?

Silk shantung and English TULLE!!!

How do we tell 130 people they've been uninvited?

Dear ESB,

I searched your site with "elopement" tags to see if I could find an answer without bugging you, but all the weddings you tagged with "elopement" are actual elopements.

Background: My mister and I got engaged after 6.5 years of dating and started planning a "laid back" wedding. We were going to get married in the backyard of a family member's home, eat pizza & donuts, drink beer and set up video games to play. This sounds WAY more laid back and cheap than it actual is. The yard was not taken care of in years, we would need generators/portapotties/tables/chairs/$$$$. And we are paying for the wedding ourselves. And we don't have much money. 

After 6 months of planning this and slowly telling family/friends (about 150 people) about it we decided it wasn't going to work. We couldn't swallow spending that much money on ONE DAY and I can't deal with stress at all. So we said fuck it and thought about the absolute basics of what we really wanted: to be married, have our nearest and dearest around us, have fun and have an awesome honeymoon. So we decided on San Francisco City Hall, immediate family & besties (18 people) and a few nights in San Francisco bar hopping and sightseeing. OH! The best part of it all: with the money we'll be saving on the wedding we are going to spend traveling abroad for a few months and then ending up in Hawaii for about a year to pursue even more dreams. AWESOME.

My question: How do we tell the 130 people that won't be invited? My favorite solution so far (and the classiest) is to send out emails & update our Facebook statuses with a paragraph of why we "ran off" with a little bit of "sorry" and "thanks for understanding." 

Any other solutions?

*****

Basically, what you're telling people is, "We decided we'd rather have the money than have you at our wedding."

You can spin it, of course. Tell em you were overwhelmed by the wedding planning, you decided to have a small, intimate ceremony, &c. But please call each of your un-invited guests personally.

THERE IS NOTHING CLASSY ABOUT FACEBOOK.

Ewan McGregor by Alexi Lubomirski via c ktnon

_______________________________

p.s. I answered a similar question over here. You might want to have a look-see at the comments….

Dear ESB: Please just tell me what to do.

Long time listener, first time caller.

Me and the FH have been together for 8 years. I know I know you would think that I would have had used all this time wisely to diligently plan every detail of our wedding… but… I haven't. See we’ve been too busy living abroad, and traveling, and making art (I'm an artist), and enjoying each other's company and living this amazing opportunity. so much so that we haven't really focused ourselves on picking out flowers or bunting or... well anything really. We are so happily engaged, living in London (loved your recent what to do in London, by the way). We’d like to get married next year, but the problem is that we can't decide where.

We’re both American, and our families live literally across the US (with sets of parents in the East coast, midwest, and west coast), and siblings and friends spread similarly far and wide. No more than 2 people live in any one time zone. We’d like to make this wedding an opportunity to bring our 4 sets of parents (both separated and happily remarried), siblings, best friends from across our travels, and everyone is game and excited to celebrate what has been 8 years in the making....

Please just tell me what to do. Options are:

(A) LONDON - I’d love to get married in London where we live now and have really defined ourselves as artists and individuals, but it's soo expensive (my dream is a civil ceremony, dinner, and dancing in this museum that I love and but it's like $9,500 just to rent the venue for the night.... And that’s the cheapest museum I've found in London! I was thinking of spending more like $15,000 on the whole shebang). Plus this would be asking everyone we know to hop across the ocean, which just adds to the expenses and guilt (esp as parents would like to help pay). Can I somehow negotiate/sell my soul to get my dream venue on the cheap? I am saving and saving (have $5000 saved on my own so far) and willing to make every scrap of invitation and décor but is it selfish to ask everyone (including my artist friends) to come across the pond?

(B) USA - the only place that hold resonance for both of us is my hometown where we haven't lived since 2005. My parents have moved away and we don't actually know anyone who lives there anymore (FH's mom lives like 3 hours away).... so everyone will just be traveling anyway (there's a tiny museum there that I could rent for like $700.... plus all the plane tickets back and forth to organise it). It would be nice going home but I've heard scary stories about people planning weddings remotely even in their hometown… and I'd be diving in pretty blindly here.... is this just a bad idea?

I’ll confess I was hoping just writing this down was going to resolve things for me, but I think I just need your straight up guidance here.

Love, Artist in Abeyance

*****

This one's easy. LONDON!

Anyone have venue suggestions?

Photo: Adrian Crispin for Dazed and Confused

the young cheapskate's guide to getting married in June...

Hi ESB,

It's that girl-who-proposed-with-a-hand-gun again. I didn't know if you'd be interested in some wedding pictures.

Our formal photos were done by an amazing friend, plus a lot of my favorites from the day are from various iphones and cameras that people brought to the wedding. I don't know, do you have to have more styled pictures than this to get on blogs? Consider this the young cheapskate's guide to getting married in June without losing your mind.

We were married in the square outside my work, and had the reception inside/outside. We were very fortunate to have my boss gift us this space to use on a day the shop was closed, and one of my coworkers worked the bar as a gift, too. I really didn't decorate at all, but my boss & coworker surprised me with balloons and streamers the morning of the wedding. I hand made (aka glue-gunned clips onto fake flowers from the dollar store) all the flowers everyone is wearing in the pictures. The wife of one of Sean's groomsmen basically saved the wedding by taking my to-do list out of my hands before the rehearsal dinner and finishing all the set up the morning of the wedding.

My dress was one of too many contenders. Even though I never wanted to be "that girl" I agonized over what to wear, spent endless hours on Etsy, bought several ridiculous vintage fancy things (purple lace! sequined collars! sheer polka-dots!), got three different dresses altered and dry cleaned, and ended up just wearing a dress (maybe nightgown? jury's still out) I bought at Goodwill for two and a half bucks. I wore my mom's veil and Nine West heels. My lipstick is Vasanti USA layered over NYC (99 cent lipstick yeah) Lipstain in "Smooch Proof." It was, in case you were wondering. Earrings were another Goodwill find, and my necklace is my engagement ring on a chain.

Two of my bridesmaids couldn't make it at the last minute due to travel, so my brothers stepped up as my "brides-men" and loved every minute of hosting my bridal shower and buying me too many beers the night before the wedding. They also manned the ipod playlist and MC'd the reception.

We were married in the early afternoon, had a 15 minute ceremony officiated by a dear friend, served beer & wine & desserts only and were on the road to our honeymoon by dinner time. Even with all the things we chose not to do I don't want to pretend there wasn't stress, there was. Most of the stress surrounded who was and who wasn't coming of my far flung friends. They are a very last minute group, and several of them didn't end up coming, but waited until late to let me know. I struggled with feeling like they were letting me down in some fundamental way, and tried my best to remember they have lives outside of the fact that I was getting married, and tried to enjoy them still celebrating from afar. But mostly I ignored or trashed the things I didn't want to deal with, and moved on. Maybe not the most mature, but it got me through wedding planning, and into this awesome marriage.

Thanks for your blog being a healthy dose of sass, and a reminder that I am not alone in despising oh-so-many part of the wedding industry. I still check in all the time, mostly for jewelry ideas.

Sara

*****

But what happened with the PROPOSAL? And what did you tell your parents??

*****

As with most things, I ended up just doing it and telling them afterwards. Worked out fine!

*****

♥

What should our Wisconsin wedding party do/eat in Brooklyn?

Hi ESB-

I'm a grad student in Virginia planning a courthouse wedding with my partner in Brooklyn this December with our families shipping in from Wisconsin. We feel very strongly about getting married in a state that allows all of our friends to be married, which has caused some family grief over travel and location, but we simply can't care about all of that BS. Our values, our wedding, and the fact that they support our relationship outweighs their frustrations with how we are actually signing the documents.

Here's the thing: I've only been to Brooklyn once, at least four years ago, and my partner has never been there. We are using you and my sister (grad student at Columbia and former Brooklyn resident) as our sources of trustworthy recommendations. The only things set in stone are a courthouse wedding at the Brooklyn Courthouse in the early afternoon and rooms reserved at the NU Hotel. Oh yeah, and Love & Brain will be doing our videography! We would like to keep activities in the relatively small vicinity of Downtown Brooklyn due to unpredictable and cold December weather. Also, moving a group of about 10-12 adults across the city (when only one is a Big City person) sounds stressful.

My problem is this: our families present a bit of a culture clash. Mine: urban, architects and musicians. His: rural, mechanics. We have 6 adult siblings between us, and their interests fall all over the map. The two of us are urban and veer toward trendy. Again, our wedding, our rules, but seeing as we have already asked our families to come all of the way out to NY we would like to find an activity for a December afternoon and a nice restaurant where we can treat these 10 adults (and possibly three of our nieces) to a fun experience after the ceremony.

I am looking for your help in recommending the following things:

An activity within a smart distance from the courthouse or NU Hotel for the afternoon of 12.12.12 that will be neutral enough to be enjoyable for most of our group.

A restaurant for the evening of 12.12.12 that is affordable enough (under $600 for all of us), family friendly, but also nice enough to celebrate our marriage.

Is this even possible?

*****

I brought back my expert.

Matthew Downes is currently in Wyoming, preparing a 12-course Austrian-style dinner for 18, but he was kind enough to write up a few restaurant recommends while sitting on the plane:

I can’t think of a more robust location for dining than Brooklyn. There tends to be an overarching theme of good, wholesome, seasonal food in this borough, but it certainly comes with plenty of variety. Given the size of Brooklyn, you could traipse near and far for great eats, but Smith and Court Streets in Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens provide enough choices for those staying off Atlantic Ave. Dining anywhere in New York always adds up, but if you can stay away from the more expensive cocktails (though I’m not sure you should!), you should be able to fit the food within your budget.

Char No. 4: I think this is the perfect spot to bring a crowd from a varied background. It’s hip enough for the urbanites, but not pretentious in the least. The food has a southern accent, but this is no BBQ joint. I highly (highly) recommend the pork nuggets as a little tasting tease. Think chicken nuggets, but oh so much better! Other notables include the house cured lamb pastrami and the hangar steak. It’s definitely meat heavy, but there are plenty of vegetables to go around and a risotto in case there are any vegetarians among the bunch. It is a whiskey bar and they have a huge selection of bourbons and ryes. For the best Bloody Mary ever! Chipotle and Bourbon marry perfectly for this drink enjoyed any time of day.

(Char No. 4 by Noah Sheldon via New York Magazine)

Seersucker: Another Southern inspired restaurant, Seersucker is a great neighborhood joint. The décor is soft and simple and very inviting. You’ll find favorites like biscuits, fried chicken and collard greens with potlikker, along with delightful creations combining Southern soul and local produce and meats. Though this dish won’t be around in December, the Upstate Duck Breast, paired with sweet corn, beets and burnt sorghum, is a great example of a Southern chef cooking in Brooklyn.

Buttermilk Channel: Moving from Smith Street to Court Street, you’ll find some great options for a wedding meal at Buttermilk Channel. Like many of Brooklyn’s restaurants, Buttermilk Channel is just a great neighborhood restaurant serving up quality seasonal food. While the South has moved further north with culinary influences on many menus, including Buttermilk Channel’s (Fried Chicken and Cheddar Waffle anyone?), it’s the attention to seasonal produce that I find most appealing here. The clean approach to using amazing local products is evident in the Mediterranean inspired Warm Lamb and Romaine Salad. They also have a full vegetarian menu making it the most vegetable friendly of the group.

(Chicken and Waffles from Buttermilk Channel)

Prime Meats: Another Court Street favorite, there is nothing Southern American about Prime Meats. A great décor with plenty of dark wood and leather, this Bavarian style menu offers up plenty of meat, which might be what the doctor orders if a chilly wind blows through in December. The rustic menu isn’t fussy, just delicious, with great little spins on ingredients, such as pretzel dumplings. The wursts and schnitzel are great, as well as the spätzles. Prime Meats is definitely the most expensive of the four and can fill up fast, so definitely inquire as to what they can offer.

Finally, just a few more suggestions in the neighborhood. For a great cocktail, perhaps after dinner, hit up The JakeWalk. For something more divey and arguably the best jukebox in the city, I recommend Boat Bar on Smith St. And one more brunch suggestion, in case you need to cure the wedding hangover, is Mile End. They serve up scrumptious Montreal-style Jewish deli food. A step above Katz’s Deli, in my opinion.

(Karlsbad Old Fashioned from The Jake Walk)

Please Note: I let Matthew off the hook on the activity front (that is if COCKTAILS don't count as an activity), so please have at it in the comments.

Image at top: Trent Bailey via Brooklyn Bride

blah blah blah wedding, blah blah blah money

Dear ESB,

From the beginning, my fiance and I really wanted a small, low-key backyard wedding. We live in an urban apartment with no yard, so that was out. My parents are divorced and both remarried, and both offered up their backyards, but I know that weird divorce issues would arise for all parties involved if I chose one or the other of their homes. So those were out too. BUT... my fiance's parents have a beautiful winter home in Arizona with a desert-y backyard, patio and pool. It's perfect for an early spring wedding, and they generously offered the space to us. We talked to my parents about it (my parents are paying for the wedding), and they thought it was a lovely idea so we excitedly accepted their offer. Everyone's excited.  

My question is this. I am feeling concerned about how much my future in-laws will be contributing to this wedding, by virtue of it being at their home. Even though my parents will pay for the whole wedding and we will be there to do all the manual labor of setup/cleanup/etc, I know my in-laws will still spend lots of time and energy getting the house ready, and I'm sure they'll be spending money on things that they won't even tell us about. It's a huge contribution that they're making. So, should they also be responsible for hosting a rehearsal dinner? I know they are planning to, but should my parents offer to contribute to that, since my in-laws will be contributing so much to the wedding?  

And, if it WOULD be good etiquette for my parents to offer to contribute to the rehearsal dinner, how do I suggest that to them? It seems kind of rude for me to go around making suggestions for what my parents should do with their money, which they are so generously spending on us. (I guess I should say here that both my fiance and I are in our early 30s, and we already feel weird about my parents paying for our wedding, but that's what they wanted!) Is it rude for me to ask my parents to also offer to cough up for the rehearsal dinner? Should I just let them do what they think is appropriate and keep my mouth shut?  

Sincerely,
I Hate Money Stuff

*****

Dear IHMS,

YOU should offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

Love,
I Hate Money Too But There It Is

COMME des GARÇONS by Daniele Duella + Iango Henzi for i-D

Stuck in the middle

Dear ESB,

There are so many opinions flying around for this wedding and I don't know whose is right. Especially since it's over something I don't feel strongly either way for. My problem is this:

I was born and raised in Houston, TX, and that is where my family (there's no extended, just immediate) currently resides, with the exception of myself. This is also where the majority of my parents' requested guests and all of my childhood friends live. The Boy's family all (as in, about 75 people) lives in Northeast Texas around 6 hours away from Houston. The Boy and I live and go to school in Nacogdoches, which is very close to the middle of the two. 

My mother (who has also just taken over the wedding in general, due to her not having one because she and my father eloped) is VERY, and I mean very, adamant on having the wedding in Houston. It's tradition to have it where the bride is from, all of her friends wouldn't travel for my wedding, blah blah blah. Okay, I get it. 

My Boy, on the other hand, would really like to have the wedding closer to where his family is because his father can't travel in a car longer than two hours due to a neck injury years ago and both sets of grandparents are around that age where traveling is not the easiest thing in the world. Also, much of his family would not be able to afford or be willing, for that matter, to travel to Houston, so he's worried that if we get married in Houston, most of his family wouldn't come. I understand this as well. I think it's a little lame that his family wouldn't travel 6 hours for their own flesh and blood's wedding, but his extended family really is their own breed of people so I can get it.  

Then there's me, caught in the middle, lacking any strong convictions towards getting married in Houston or getting married in East Texas. I have, however, put my foot down on getting married in the town the Boy is from simply because there are no wedding venues and it's just not a very pretty area. I would be willing to get married in the Nacogdoches area, which would be equal traveling for both families. But if I told my mom I was even considering getting married anywhere other than Houston she would have a fit and probably pull funding for the wedding. 

I do like the idea of getting married in the city I'm from, and I've even found a few outdoor venues that I LOVE. But I also like the idea of getting married in Nac, the town we met and grew our relationship in, and it's a gorgeous area so it would be easy to find a nice outdoor venue. I don't know. My only requirement is that I get married outside. The city matters not to me. It just matters to other people. And I want to keep my mom happy because she's my mom and I do love her at the end of it all. But this is also mine and the Boy's wedding and it should be what we want. I just don't know what I want. 

Help?

-Stuck in the middle

P.S.  I'm also highly understanding when it comes to his dad not being able to travel. I'm very close with his dad and know that he's in a lot of pain and being in the car for even 30 minutes is sometimes excruciating for him.  

*****

Dear Stuck,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

You want a pretty wedding, and you want your mom to pay for it, and you say you're "highly understanding" about your boyfriend's dad's injury but seem perfectly willing to ask him to spend 3-6 hours in a car.

My first thought was: Get married at City Hall in the stupid shithole town you're not willing to have your wedding in (with the Boy's father and grandparents in attendance), and then let your mom throw the stupid wedding she wants in Houston.

My second thought is: You're too young to get married.

xoxo,

I'M BACK, BITCHES

Photo by ishi

with strings attached

[I just deleted this Dear ESB at the request of the writer-inner, but I like the photo too much to take the whole thing down.]

Photo by The Selby

obsessing over the final numbers

Dear ESB,

My fiance and I are getting married very soon. We are getting SUPER excited, but I have a really strange guest list situation that I need to resolve. When we made our list months ago, my fiance included a couple who are his friends from undergrad. These friends live in Texas and the wedding is taking place in Chicago.

Among their group this couple is NOTORIOUS for saying that they'll be somewhere and then inexplicably not showing up. In fact, when they replied yes for our wedding another friend made the comment, "Don't believe them." Our final number is due to our caterer on Friday, and we would really like to avoid paying for people who are unlikely to actually show up. Last night my fiance asked what their travel plans are so we could decide to include them or not. They said they're planning to make the 20 hour drive, but they don't know when they're traveling, whether they'll take one or two days for the trip, and they have no reservations at a hotel or plans for lodging.

We think there's a less than 10% chance that they're actually going to follow through and be at the wedding. We all know that it's expensive to host a wedding, and we had to make some hard decisions about our guest list, so I think the difference of 2 people is significant enough to think about.

So here's my question: What do I do? Do I take them out of the final number, even though they say they're going to come? That doesn't seem ok to me. Can I include them in the final number, but invite a couple of other local friends at the last minute in the event that they decide to bail? Is that rude to the last-minute guests? Or just deal with it?

I'm not going to lie, I regret the decision to invite these people over other friends, but I'm wondering what's acceptable now that we're dealing with this situation.

*****

Include the flakes in your final numbers (obvs) and prepare to be pleasantly surprised if they show.

Now go write your fucking vows. This is not something you should waste your energy on.

Photo: Zuzanna Bijoch by Catherine Servel