OMG KITTEH!

I feel you, kitteh. It is so fucking hot in our house I've pretty much been in this position for a week.

Photo swiped from One Love Photo's feed

I found your wedding cardi

Zara sequins via Wit & Delight

Also: If you click over to Zara's main page, the partially-Patti-inspired lookbook/short is pretty excellent. (Even if Patti would never wear pumps with bows.)

MOH and the mason jars

Dear ESB,

Hopefully you can help me navigate this situation gracefully.

I got engaged 3 months ago to a dude I'm totally crazy about. What I'm not so crazy about is planning a wedding for 250+ guests (his family is huge and we "must" invite them all). Because I don't have a ton of money to spend and I don't want a traditional big white dress/cake wedding, we are really taking our time with any and all decisions--including place, date and wedding party (the first 2 remain undecided).

I spent a few weeks thinking about who I wanted in wedding party and asked my oldest and closest friend to be be MOH. She has always been little on the flaky side but really loves this kind of work and is soooo excited about helping me plan and being there for me on the day of. We see each other about once a month, usually after playing phone tag and rescheduling at least once.

So last night I finally got together with her and she starts telling me about all the ideas she has (none are my style) and that she's COLLECTING MASON JARS FOR ME AND ALREADY HAS 50+. This is so sweet of her, but the problem is I NEVER asked her for mason jars and just don't want them at my wedding. When she told me this I said "oh wow thanks," which was probably a mistake.

So what do I do now? How do I tell her what I had in mind was different without hurting her feelings?

IDK

*****

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT MASON JARS










Just kidding.

Tell your MOH you don't want to be that couple.

Or, tell her exactly what you just told me: "That is so sweet of you, but I have something different in mind."

Madisyn Ritland by Ami Sioux for Jalouse Magazine via ban.do via Veera Häkkinen

Your Sunday Morning Wedding Caftan

Someone could rock the hell out of this. I just know it.

Seems to be for sale over here.

(Thanks, Hillary!)

(The 2nd Annual) Dear ESB: Why do the holidays suck when you're married??

Dear ESB, 

How soon is too soon to make plans for the holidays, and what's the secret to making both families happy? This will my husband and my first holiday season as a married couple, and I'm concerned about setting some sort of precedent for how we spend future holidays with our families. I suppose we have it easy because our families are both driving distance from us-- his are 1.5 hours away, mine are 4.5. But they're in opposite directions, meaning a 6 hour drive if we want to go from his parent's house to my parent's house; sometimes much longer in Texas' good ol' stand-still holiday traffic.

Throughout our past 6 years of dating I've always done Thanksgiving with his family (because it's his grandparents' tradition to host, and we want to spend as much time as possible with them while we can), and we've parted ways to do Christmas day with our respective families. But last year we did Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine, and then went back to his parents for the day after Christmas. We thought this would be okay, that we could switch it up next year to be fair, but it resulted with his mother crying about how she and FIL had to spend Christmas Day alone. I felt awful, but also offended. Because this was the ONE year in 6 that I'd pulled their son away for a holiday. And since they live closer to us, we see them ALL THE TIME. They drop in on weekends unannounced. They are constantly planning the next get family get-together. And, like I said, we always spend Thanksgiving with them. Which is all fine! I'm happy to spend time with them. But meanwhile, I RARELY see my family in comparison, partly because the drive is more considerable, and partly because my family just tends to get together less. We keep busy with our respective lives during the year, and then really value and make the most of those few days when we're all together; it's great. But my in-laws don't seem to realize that I have my own family.

After last year's tears and guilt, my husband and I thought, OK, next year we need to communicate with them better, and further in advance, to make sure they understand our holiday plans. But I guess we didn't think about it enough because while visiting his parents this past weekend, and while I was left alone with MIL, she asked me about our holiday plans. I was totally unprepared! And she didn't even ask the questions I expected: instead of just asking if we'd spend Christmas Day with them, she asked if we could leave the country and make a tropical beach vacation of it (which almost felt like bribery), and if it would bother my parents if we couldn't spend the actual day with them (wtf!), AND how many vacation days do I get from work per year, and how many had I used already? (clearly calculating how many days she could kidnap me!). I think my exact response to these questions was "Uhhhhh" and now I'm not sure how to proceed.

So, my very drawn out question is for you and your readers. I'm curious if most people split holidays down the middle, switching important days/ families each year to be completely fair. And if people are successfully coming up with a routine that is understood and accepted by both families. And if we really need to visit BOTH families for a single holiday, because good lord do I fear spending future holidays in the car….

PS, not only do I dread the very idea of telling my parent's we're ditching them for the tropics, but our in laws don't approve of drinking or really a lot of things and I feel like a long beach holiday with them might be too much for me!!

PPS, the tropical location that MIL wants to go to happens to be the same location that my husband recently visited for our honeymoon (which we paid for almost entirely on our own)! I have no idea if she intends to pay for this proposed Christmas trip or not, but regardless, why should they expect us to do it all over again with them!?

*****

Have you discussed this with your husband? Does HE want to go on the trip? It's perfectly acceptable for you to set ground rules, such as:

1. I'm willing to go away with your parents for 7 days max.

2. Never again will we visit both families for a single holiday.

And then he gets to enforce the rules with his mom. (Let her cry it out if she has to.) 

But, yeah. One of the biggest bummers about being married is that you don't just get to do what you want for the holidays. Whether or not your in-laws approve of drinking.

Photo by Paolo Roversi for Vogue Italia, March 2005 via Ananas à Miami
______________________________

I answered a similar question over here. The comments are quite good.

Is a LAUREL WREATH the new flower crown?

(Jose Villa for Once Wed)

(Ancient Grecian Crown, Museum of Fine Arts Houston via TeenAngster)

Alison is getting married in this one from Pippa Tree. Lucky lady.

Pierrepont Hicks FW 2012 + A Giveaway!

**closed**

In honor of H and my fourth anniversary (FOURTH ANNIVERSARY!) @mrsphicks offered me this amazeballs Spider tie to give away to one lucky reader.

Okay, so maybe the giveaway actually has nothing to do with our anniversary. Maybe Katherine just wanted to show off the new collection.

Anyhoo.

Leave a comment below (why you like ties, or why you like men in ties, or why you like women in ties, or just "Pick me!") by 12pm PST on Aug 20 and I'll select a winner at random.

Mountain wedding? Or Elopement? UPDATE (Plus a few tips on getting married in Vegas)

I feel like a creep just assuming you'd want an update, but I wanted to thank everyone for the advice and say that we're now married! 

The comments definitely made me realize that our ranch option was just as much work as a traditional wedding so we discussed a bit further and decided to get hitched in Vegas after our work conference.  We found a pretty little old ring for me on eBay. I found a dress online that I liked well enough, was in my size, and could be quickly delivered. My guy treated himself to an old-school barber shave at the hotel spa. It was all very simple, cost-effective, and private.

To anyone considering the same, I'll say that getting married in Vegas still isn't the easiest thing in the world. Some short lessons learned: 

Vegas chapels, especially the well known ones, seem to share the common elements of theme weddings, maroon carpet, faux columns, and plastic flowers. We wanted this to be quick and private, we did not want it to feel like The Hangover. 

Yelp reviews were massively helpful. We found a great looking chapel, but the comments repeatedly described it as a "casting call" where you waited outside in the heat for the bell to ring for your turn.

A Vegas courthouse wedding requires an appointment and that you bring your own witness. Since we were traveling alone and didn't want to grab someone off the street, we sadly ruled this option out. 

We ended up going for a bare-bones "Just Us" ceremony at our hotel. The hotel was helpful enough, we were able to write a custom ceremony for the officiant to perform, and we ended up laughing like our normal happy selves through the ceremony. All around, it was a perfect choice for us.

If you have other readers considering the Vegas option, I'd be happy to share more concrete information. It took hours of online research for us to make sense of the countless options available in Vegas.

Happily married without all the stress,

-Mr. & Mrs.

*****

We always want an update. Trust.

♥ ♥ ♥

Photo by Boo George

absent friends and wedding grumpiness

Dear ESB

I have one month and one day to go until our wedding.

Three of my closest, dearest, most wonderful friends will not be coming. They all have excellent reasons - they live on opposite ends of the planet and can't afford to come blah blah blah.

My rational head KNOWS that i am not actually MARRYING any of my best friends, and all that will matter on the W-Day is my fiance is there and he says 'I do'. BUT my rational head isn't getting much of a look in at the moment, and I keep dwelling on the fact that none of them will be there and getting a bit miserable. SO I need a healthy dose of your beautifully mean snark to shake me out of this gloom.

Thanks everso

XXXXX

*****

Oh, man.


I can't snark on demand.

Here's what I've got: Allow yourself to be sad about your friends. Wallow, if you need to. Then BUCK THE FUCK UP, make yourself a martini, and traipse around the house in your wedding shoes. You're getting married!!

In keeping with the fashion idol theme: Darren McDonald Captures An Homage to Patti Smith for Helmet Magazine #3 via Fashion Gone Rogue

If you had to choose three fashion idols....

....in order to play the would X wear this? game.... Who would they be?

I'd go Keith Richards, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Lisa Mayock. (Plus Patti Smith for hair, obvs.)

I am still obsessed with Lisa M's genius running shorts/platform wedge combination. Maybe I should allow myself the occasional weird eBay purchase after all?

Photos: Keith (photog unkown), Charlotte G by Jean-Baptiste Mondino, Lisa M by Kelly Stuart for Elle

WHAT???

Patti Smith by Lynn Goldsmith (an outtake from the cover shoot for Easter, 1978) via TIME

I really should have saved this photo for the day I finally retire the blog. Does it not perfectly sum up All That Is East Side Bride?

A Reverse Bridal Shower

Hello once again!

Again I have been toying with emailing you once again and if an update was even what I am writing this email for. I am now writing as the married lady, a fact that I am most happy with and will have had the honor for about a month now. It was interesting to reread what I wrote to you (I have always have had a habit of rereading things I have written and wonder how I find that voice...but that is a longer, separate email) and reflect on how MUCH happened after I wrote to you and your readers.

To say this process has been a whirl wind (which I would say is still an active process...) I mention process because on top of this whole wedding-ness I had the misfortune of losing my dad in January. Yeah.

Nuts.

And there was a moment in all that planning that I was hit with this REALITY. (Super long story, he had put off a colonoscopy for over a year, they found cancer on the last Thursday of January. I work with cancer patients doing artwork in NYC once a week and I was actually on my way back from the city to my restaurant job and we were talking over the phone about his fears and struggles with the idea of the initial surgery and the subsequent chemo. I was trying my best over the phone, he lived in Florida, just to be present for him, calming him down letting him know I was there in any way I could. I was already seeing how I was going to coordinate time with my two jobs to be there for his first round of treatment or for the surgery. He was an extremely nervous man. I didn't even have a chance to make the decision- it would be a heart attack the next morning that would take him. )

I found myself at a fork in the path and I had to make a decision with less then 6 months to go if we would continue with our plans to get married in July.

My dad played a big part in my decision to continue on. He was in a place where a big part of his anxiety was that he was not able to make more of a financial contribution to the whole day. I kept assuring him that there were much more important things that he was in charge of...namely choosing our first dance song. As the sensitive and wonderful man that he was, he took the assignment on with full vigor. In the craziest twist of events, a modest amount of money came from his work insurance- he went from not being about to contribute to almost exclusively hosting the event. My dad lived to throw a party full of family and friends, laughter, food, drink and dancing! Man did we oblige :)

But I am getting ahead of myself. I also wanted to share with you and your readers that I was granted a beautiful chance of actually throwing the reverse bridal shower that I had mused about in my original email to you! It was such a beautiful day, where all but one of my 6 'maids were able to come to the Jersey burbs and we had the most perfect two days. I had a bouncy house (groupon is awesome), had all the lovely ladies make their own flower crowns and we went to downtown to the local park to take picture, hit up a local farm for wine and more pictures and the pinnacle of the whole weekend was the gourmet dinner that my now hubby made for us!

And in a magical twist on this story I was the one at the table with my merry maids and we had the finest bubbly, wine and lots and lots of eats. We have this beautiful documentation of the whole event because we were lucky enough to have one of my bridesmaid's hubby (who is a good friend from art school) who took pics of the whole day- from prep to our lovely lady dinner and late night bounce house shenanigans (the trade off was that he was going to get all this delish food- man was he on board!).

We played those silly games that I had so desired and laughed while we drew, wrote shared stories and I just tried to remember to stop and look around. We were in the back room of the restaurant and it felt like this little place tucked away from the world. I had made all these lovely decorations that just made me happy to look around and see the tissue poms suspended above us, the banner I made that said "love my girls" and the flowers that I had cut from my garden on the table. It just was perfect. This was a celebration.

And while this was a surprise for my girls, it was topped with a surprise from my hubby's Best Man, a singing telegram! It made me almost cry and definately made me laugh! I was blessed with this day where I truly was granted a wish. We returned home, to play in our bounce house, continue with more music and libations - until we settled down to just a giggly gaggle of girls on my living room floor.

I have yet to properly package my reflection of my wedding....that is for another email and I will indulge myself with sending you that one again shortly....especially because I am sure I am going to want to send at least a picture or two of the event and I am hoping to get those from my photographer soon.

For now, I will self-indulge and send you this montage of the happy reverse bridal shower because I am proud that I was able to make it happen and it's been one of the gems in this whole process.

Have to run to get ready for tonight's large parties.

~Jackie Kerouac

*****

I love you even though you wore a white dress to your (reverse) shower.

Summer Cleaning

Yesterday I took a bag of clothes to Crossroads to sell (they only wanted two items, which I am trying not to take personally) and three bags to Goodwill to donate.

Goodwill was flooded with donations, it being the beginning of the month. There were piles and piles of what looked like absolute junk all over the parking lot. The guy asked me if I wanted my bags back, and when I said "Sure, if it's easy..." he dumped my clothes into a nearby fish tank. A Splendid wrap that I had paid full price for, and fully intended to LOVE, fell on the pavement and he didn't bother to pick it up. All I could think was "What a waste." So much crap that I bought and never did love.

Money is tight around here (money is always tight around here, but especially now that we are desperately trying to buy a house….) and I need to make a new resolution to be thoughtful about the clothes I buy.

Better to invest in a couple of terrific, well-made things each season than to end up with bags and bags of crap. And..... Better to pay full price for the perfect pair of jeans than to order five different pairs on eBay that never fit properly?

I still like the criterion I set for myself when I was cleaning out my closet four years ago: "If we were suddenly offered jobs in Barcelona, what would I want to bring with me?"

Photo: Ashley Smith is All Natural for Russh #47 by Cara Stricker via Fashion Gone Rogue

Wedding Campers?

I'm sorta digging these. And they're on sale.....

(Thx Vanessa!)

with strings attached

[I just deleted this Dear ESB at the request of the writer-inner, but I like the photo too much to take the whole thing down.]

Photo by The Selby

What do I get for my dad who just eloped?

Hi,

I wrote you a few months ago about a friend's wedding dress, and the suggestions were very useful (several readers called it when they said she'd wind up with a Jenny Packham). 

I've got another, unrelated question for you/your readers:

My dad eloped with his long-time partner (woman, for some reason I feel I should specify that.) He had indicated they would be getting married and that they would be having a ceremony with just the two of them. I assumed I would get a phone call beforehand telling me when it would be happening, but instead I got an email saying, "We're married!" 

We're having a party for his birthday in a few weeks that will be doubling as their "reception" and I'm wondering if I should be getting some sort of a gift for them both? What on earth does one get for one's father after he has eloped? Surely a KitchenAid Mixer or salad tongs aren't exactly appropriate (especially since he got those the first time around...) and please don't suggest nice sheets (shudder.)

Help?

Best,

Attempting to be adult about a very juvenile situation

*****

I need a little info about your dad:

1) City or Country?

2) Sweet or Savory?

2) Mac or PC?

4) Beethoven or Neil Young?

*****

Hm,

Country, savory, Mac, Neil Young (though Pink Floyd would be perhaps more accurate.)

*****

OMG I LOVE THIS GAME.

Obvs you should get them.....

The Wild Unknown Mirrored Prism from Catbird ($65)


Or.....

Sign up for shop updates from Herriott Grace and buy them a little salt bowl ($45 CDN) for good luck.

Daddy Issues

Dear ESB,

Thank for making me laugh, first of all. And also, thanks for what you've already taught me in the land of modern wedding etiquette.

Now to something that I've been struggling with for some time. It's a familiar problem - the father of the bride. I hope you can help.

I have already decided he won't walk me down the aisle. He had little to nothing to do with bringing me up. He caused a lot of pain. To have him give me away, to my mind, is not on. (For the record, I think I am going to aisle-it alone - it feels most appropriate and also, at least dad won't feel as though I put someone in his place.)

We also don't plan to invite him to speak at the wedding. We think the formality of speeches is important and significant but also don't want them to drag on while every person who thinks they've earned a say has it. Speaking will be mother of the bride, mother of the groom (father has passed), best man, maid of honour and us. 

There are two spanners in the works.

One, how does one broach this subject? I figure I do need to tell him. He continues to surprise me with how oblivious he is to the consequences of his past, hurtful decision so I'm thinking he's expecting to be called up on these honours.

Two, I am guessing he might go a bit mental at this news. I am nervous about this but also looking for advice as to whether I should be willing to budge. I won't budge on the aisle situation. I'd rather not budge on the speech sitch either BUT, I have recently learnt dad will contribute financially to the wedding. I am pleasantly surprised and grateful. I don't think it warrants a change in my mind but am I wrong? Has he purchased the right to speak?

Thanking you in advance for your thoughts....

*****

It shouldn't be too hard to say "Dad, just so you know, I'm planning to walk down the aisle by myself." I mean, right? Fuck him if he's offended.

But if you're allowing the guy to throw some money at your wedding, I DO think he has the right to make a speech. (Frankly, any one of your guests has the right to step up and say something if they want to.)

Bona Drag Does Weddings

I've been recommending them for eons, but it is now OFFICIAL.

Check out the whole ceremonial collection, and shop here.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN my baby's not invited?

Dear ESB,

I am an avid reader of your blog (well, both blogs) and I'm currently engaged, set to be married in the fall.  I never thought I would have a reason to write to you, until I received the below email today. 

A bit of background: We have had a relatively painless wedding process, but had to make difficult decisions just like everyone else in the world who's planning a wedding. We love children and plan to have our own in a few years when the time is right. Despite our love for children, we decided to have a kid-free wedding, reasons for which I will not get into here. Earlier this year we addressed the Save the Dates (and will soon address the invitations) to include our adult friends and family. Recently, a friend with a toddler realized/understood that we would be having a child-free wedding and wrote this email to us below, which I thought you and your readers would enjoy:

Hey Future Husband and Wife,

Let me preface this email with saying that I know nothing can change at this point, nor am I asking it to. Also, my wife thinks this email is unnecessary. Nevertheless, I thought that you needed to know that I was very surprised to hear that you are having a child-free wedding. Since neither of you are parents (yet hint-hint) and since any ambiguity about the guest list could cause confusion, frustration, and embarrassment for family and friends on the big day, I felt it was necessary to encourage you to be MUCH more explicit about this decision in your invites or you may end up with lots of unexpected little ones. Not only would this confuse your caterer, but it would lead to lots of hurt and/or embarrassed parents.

To put things in to perspective for you, as a parent, just as I would expect my wife to join me at a wedding, I would expect that my child would be included in an invite. I have never heard of, nor dreamed of a child-free wedding, so when I read your save-the-date, I assumed that it included children. I believe this is a very common assumption among parents. Moreover, for some parents, it is not possible to leave a child, so prohibiting a child is effectively prohibiting that parent from joining you; these parents may assume that you know this and cannot possibly mean to exclude their child, since it would mean excluding them and you chose to send the invite. Also, there are some parents for whom excluding a child is simply insulting (for some, even more so than not being invited themselves); they will assume that you are not acting in a way that is insulting to them and assume that children are included.

Since few parents will approach the task of parsing of the invites with as much scrutiny as you have planned, I really suggest you make this policy much more explicit on the invites. People are already making plans to travel to your wedding location to join you on this special day, so they need to know this now – not whenever it reaches them through the grapevine. There is no need to inject additional ambiguity into the big day.  If you are not explicit, people will misunderstand, like we did, and you will have babies at the wedding. This will upset every other person who had to leave their child behind (and work through all of the logistics involved with that, which are not insignificant). On such a special day, there is no need to create a risk of sowing hate and discontent by soft selling a rather unique limitation on offspring.

Although I will not be able to celebrate with you because of this limitation, I really do hope you have a wonderful wedding. My wife is still planning to attend. Of course, we also miss seeing you at our regular dinners and hope you can make another appearance soon.

Best,

Your "Friend"

Jemima Kirke + Rafaella via The Glow

By special request.........

A BHLDN bride in barefoot shoes.

ALISON, YOU RULE.


Also, a few other things you need to check out:

A very lovely post about marriage

A shopping trip to Shareen Vintage (parts one + two)

Baby Pug Bath Time