My fiancee and I have terrible siblings. We don't want them in our wedding parties. Tradition says we have to. As husband-elect, I feel it's my duty to maintain the peace between our merging families. My fiancee and I don't want my sister (who is 2.5 years older than me and has been living with her boyfriend longer than I have been dating my fiancee so she's already pissed her little brother is getting married first) as a bridesmaid; she's controlling, mean, belittling, and downright unpleasant. My brother-in-law-to-be is married with two kids and one on the way and could give as much of a shit about being in the wedding as he does about my fiancee and I. Is there a way we can keep the peace and honor them or appease them in some way but keep them out of our wedding parties? I know it's our day, etc, but a full-on snub would result in years of grudges and hurt feelings. What can we do?
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First of all, fuck tradition.
Does your older sister really want to pal around with your fiancée and feign interest in centerpieces and (god forbid) help plan the bachelorette party? Of course not. Her feelings will be hurt for two hours tops before she realizes how lucky she is not to have to wear the damn dress.
And you already said your brother-in-law won't give a shit.
So who actually does give a shit here? The moms?
I would say give each of your siblings some other role in the ceremony. Ask em to read a poem/light a candle/play the flute. Whatever. But if they really suck that much...
(diamond dog shot by a desert fete on her sweet old minolta)
Yeah, it doesn't sound to me like anybody will have their feelings hurt by the siblings not being in the party, including the siblings. Also, while it's weird to not have your brother as your groomsman, it's not so weird to not have your sister as a bridesmaid. So don't sweat it.
ReplyDeleteAsk them to do a reading that you choose - you get control, they don't get to suck.
Also, the brother in law with the two kids? Ask the kids to be in the wedding (unless they suck too, in which case, no kids at the wedding sounds like a plan.) It includes the brother without having him in the party.
Just say no, its easier than you think. Just because they're related to you doesn't make them the right person for the job.
ReplyDeleteFuck 'em. Suggest something else for them to do, sure! But follow your gut. This hissy fit your sister might throw when you say no is way better than the hissy fit she might throw at the rehearsal dinner/wedding/throughout the whole process that your wife-to-be will have to deal with her.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Ask ESB might be my favorite thing on the internet.
Sorry for swearing, by the way.
ReplyDeleteI think having the kids involved may be the best bet (as long as you aren't doing a no kid wedding). As for sisters and brothers I imagine that you may be right and there could be some hurt feelings, but it seems as if they really don't want to be involved and that it might just be better if they weren't. A reading or some other wedding task such as handing out programs may be a good alternative!
ReplyDeleteAs a bride who is currently going through this same situation, I have to say, it was pretty easy not having my sister be a member of my bridal party. Sure, I felt guilty, and she probably felt sad about it, but we're all adults here. I knew she wouldn't be able to devote the time (and really doesn't give a rat's ass), and it sounds like you have a similar situation.
ReplyDeleteStand by your guns, and enjoy your day. They'll still be related to you.. whether you all like it or not.
@Beets pls tell me you did not just fucking apologize for swearing on my blog.
ReplyDelete♥
I have a difficult sister and that was one of the reasons we didn't have a formal wedding party (just individual "honours" for friends). It wasn't the deciding factor, but it definitely helped. I would have given her some low-drama honour, but she didn't make it in the end as she was about to give birth.
ReplyDeletewouldn't it be easier to just say "we're not having a wedding party at all" or to just have a maid of honor and best man?
ReplyDeleteDude, if not including them in the wedding will cause a few years of grudges and they stop talking to you, but you don't really like them anyway, then what's the problem? What loss is it if they get mad and don't want to talk to you for a while? It's your wedding, if you don't want them in it then don't have them in it. I don't like any of my fiance's siblings, especially his sister, so none of them are in the wedding. And I don't care, cause it's my wedding! Stand up for yourself, what you want, and what makes you happy; the rest of em can eat it.
ReplyDeletedon't include em.
ReplyDeletemy first thought was even what accordians said- maybe just nix the bridal party thing.
but even if you don't do that. don't include em.
If you and your sibs don't get along and/or aren't close, I can't imagine that they'd expect to have much of a role, if any, in your wedding. Doing what will make you happy in this situation will probably be what makes them happy too.
ReplyDelete"we're having a tiny bridal party. I hope you aren't offended."
ReplyDeleteIf you decide against the above advice and want to invite them to be a part of the parties, then keep them on your own side. I wanted my bro in my wedding. My man already had his friends he wanted, and he was MY brother. So he was my bridesman. If you use this system then each of you can keep your own difficult sibling in check and they probably won't be as hands-on that way, either. But I've been to plenty of weddings that didn't include any siblings or even only included one out of many siblings. So it's not like you're breaking a precedent if you don't include them.
ReplyDeleteHaving been to a million weddings in the last two years and observed from a completely impartial stand point, I've seen loads of brides and grooms whose siblings are not in the wedding party. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteWhat esb said about the sister being offended temporarily is probably true but she sound like the kind of person who would find something else to be offended about even if she was a bridesmaid.
And yes, asking the kids to be involved would probably ease tensions a bit.
We're having my unreliable (yet lovable) brother do a reading. He's thrilled, feels special, and we don't have to listen to him complain about being forced to wear a (totally awesome) seersucker suit. Maybe that could work for your siblings?
ReplyDeleteI take back my apology! (What WAS I thinking.)
ReplyDelete<3 indeed!
I was in my cousin's wedding last weekend. She's not in mine in 2 months. My engagement is far shorter (8 mos as opposed to 1.5 yr), my bridal party is much smaller (2:2 as opposed to 5:5), and she had been asked to be in a wedding 2 days after mine. If not for the last point, I would have expanded to 3:3 to "keep the peace," but I was glad for it. I'm having her do a reading instead, which she seemed OK with.
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