A few days ago I was stressed out about our finances and feeling self-indulgent for focusing on my own projects without bringing in any (immediate) income.H-town told me v. calmly that money will always be an issue. No matter how much we have. (See: You Try to Live on 500K in This Town) And he assured me that I'm putting my energy in the right place. Going out and getting a $10/hr job is not the right thing to do.*
It's intense, being married. I was such a rabidly feminist little girl, I never imagined having a husband, let alone being supported by one.
But I'm learning. And in a few years, I'll take a turn being the wage earner so H-town can stay home and be creative. I know he won't have a problem with that.
(Thank you Alice, for the reminder, and Allen Salkin, for putting things in perspective.)
*I could, however, do the dishes more often. Says me, not him.
This is the best post that I've read in some time. So many people always think that big, bad things are what's difficult in a relationship, but it can be the every day stuff that's hard too.
ReplyDeleteThe photo is brilliant - thanks for a lovely post!
i couldn't agree with you more (p.s. i read that article the other day and it made me sick. it's terrible.)
ReplyDeletei could also benefit from doing the dishes more often too. or shaving my legs. i need to work on that as well.
you and your husband are awesome
ReplyDeleteword.
ReplyDeletehe sounds like a doll.
ReplyDeletei feel your pain... i'm finally about to graduate from college and there aren't any jobs for me to pay back my student loans with. awesome...
ReplyDeleteDid you make the sign?? I posted about the Urban Outfitters campaign here:
ReplyDeletehttp://asphalteden.blogspot.com/2009/01/your-message-here.html
oh i do like that very much.
ReplyDeletewow. it is really awesome to hear this coming from somewhere outside of my own home...we are in the exact same situation. my income is unconventional and unpredictable, and a lot of times i depend on my husband for support. he never, ever makes me feel bad for this, and sometimes that makes me feel worse! (that's me, in a nutshell. feeling bad for not feeling bad.) in fact, we have a very similar dialogue here very often, when he assures me that someday i will be in charge of making the bulk of the money come in, and he can pursue his creative passions.
ReplyDeleteit's weird, feeling like it's the 50's sometimes, but i thank my lucky stars that there are freedoms afforded to me now, and that for us feeling free is more important than being super-rich. i went nuts over the summer trying to get a "real" job...i literally had 8 interviews with one single firm, plus a whole bunch more...but the economy, you know, and this and that, it stood in my way, and i ended up back where i have been, working for myself, scrapping it up. you and i are lucky to have such support, and i hope that the things that i DO do make him feel as loved and supported as i feel. saying that there will never be enough money is a great way to keep it in perspective.
really feeling this one, sorry to GO OFF. virtual high five!!! yay marriage.
This makes me happy.
ReplyDelete<3
loves. happy friday dear.
ReplyDeleteWise words. And true. We're in a much better money situation now then we used to be, and I've noticed the worry is just about the same. Which is a good thing to learn.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm currently our bread winner, and it's really not so bad. Swear.
You two are awesome.
ReplyDeleteThe Big Guy and I will be making the switch soon too. He has been working while I have been in school but now I am done and once I get settled in to my job, he is going to get his PhD (he's a smarty). Bottom line: I feel you.
I'm in this situation too. Like you I never even imagined having a husband let alone being supported, albeit temporarily, by one. I gave up a well paid job a couple of months ago to pursue my creative dreams. Am I crazy? Probably. Do I have the support of my husband to be? 100%. Do I have everything I need? Absolutely.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a hard situation. But remember, he's not just supporting you, you're supporting each other. And, as you said, he'll get his chance to be creative while you support him.
ReplyDeleteThe way I see it, relationships are never going to be equal at any particular point in time, but hopefully they more or less equal out in the long run. Someone is always giving more (money, love, time, etc) but that flips around as you go through cycles. You just have to learn to ride with it.
Such wise words form your man, thanks for haring. I know it hit home for me. We are both on our own and somehow making it?? But I can't seem to let go of the worry. I've turned off the news and that seems to help quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteplease excuse my typos above, it's almost 3:00 am and I have no business commenting. but I loved your post!
ReplyDeleteThis is my favourite post you've ever written.
ReplyDeleteAnd I found that article bizarrely comforting too.
This is something I'm learning now, too, as I stay at home with my two kids. While simultaneously trying to make my art and writing into something.
ReplyDeleteHe says he wants to support me in this project, that he believes it's a good way to go, but you know, I still get anxious about not bringing any money in.
And whether I am a sahm or a sah artist, what is it with money defining our worth in this world?
Such a great sign and sentiment. Thanks for the reminder. I spent an hour this morning lying in bed, calculating what our extension will look like and how we're going to be able to afford it. (We're not.) Then I came downstairs to my barely furnished dining room and had waffles with Paul as my two dogs begged for scraps, and I realized things are pretty great just as they are.
ReplyDelete"nobody has everything they want. it's a survival instinct. you get what you want, you want something else. if you have everything, you want something else...." {from Dollhouse, yeah, I recorded it watched it today. Me gusta. You can watch it on hulu maybe?} This reminded me about that research on happiness and this....
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite post from you :):)
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. Going to another country to be with your fiance but not being able to work has been hard. I often feel really bad about not having a job, or being able to contribute to our finances. He never, ever makes me feel bad about it either. Thanks again :)
ReplyDelete