tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post5054379250790039958..comments2023-11-04T00:52:56.076-07:00Comments on east side bride: Real Talk (semi-wedding related. but real.)esbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00215882729011442570noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-65840705468889212632014-01-24T08:25:49.294-08:002014-01-24T08:25:49.294-08:00"He is a carbon-based life form and therefore..."He is a carbon-based life form and therefore could technically achieve other things." - that is a brilliant, brilliant line, and I am totally writing that down. Thanks for that!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-79741997398841930892014-01-15T10:14:34.312-08:002014-01-15T10:14:34.312-08:00Seems like you accomplished what you set out to do...Seems like you accomplished what you set out to do- write it all down in black and white and have it make some sense. It does. Rarely does a relationship end with a clean-cut feeling of being WRONG. There are always things you absolutely love about that person, but if those aren't enough to fulfill you, then they are just strings holding you in the wrong place. My husband brings me coffee in bed every morning, is learning what clean means to me, and waters my house plants, but those are daily comforts, not why we are married. We are married because life is better this way. It's not always easy, but it is better. Since we began dating, he would always tell me, "You make me better."<br /><br />"I don't feel like I'm the best version of myself when I'm around him." <br /><br />What on earth would change that?<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-38326001272726100452014-01-15T10:11:31.712-08:002014-01-15T10:11:31.712-08:00This comment has been removed by the author.Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04352873293426683199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-77976117271554823532014-01-15T06:19:01.027-08:002014-01-15T06:19:01.027-08:00In college, my roommates and I had a revelation ab...In college, my roommates and I had a revelation about the word "potential" in reference to the men we were dating. Potential=not quite. Potential=inertia. There is a big difference between "He is striving to be the best boyfriend/son/scuba diver ever" and "He is a carbon-based life form and therefore could technically achieve other things." Potential is a red flag. Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16051349916283717459noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-19069425215084377362014-01-11T22:50:18.101-08:002014-01-11T22:50:18.101-08:00Lovely OP, other men will hold you and make you co...Lovely OP, other men will hold you and make you coffee. Cheers to this one for doing so, but you don't have to reward him by marrying him. <br /><br />Every single response to your question here is No. Not one reader voted Yes. I think you know what is right...<br /><br />...and btw, valid personal emotional needs are not "arbitrary bs."<br /><br />P.S. best esb post / thread ever??Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10595494907833218390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-49057317033917816092014-01-11T18:57:53.885-08:002014-01-11T18:57:53.885-08:00I don't agree that "there are no more wha...I don't agree that "there are no more what ifs when you fine the right one." Some people will always have some uncertainty in the back of their minds, and I think that's perfectly fine. However, I do believe that there should be enough happiness in your relationship to outweigh the feelings of doubt, and it seems obvious that this is not the case in your relationship. And according to the author of a UCLA study, "Newlywed wives who had doubts about getting married before their wedding were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce four years later than wives without these doubts. Among couples still married after four years, husbands and wives with doubts were significantly less satisfied with their marriage than those without doubts."<br /><br />I totally agree with anon 5:52 that people who are in the right relationship don't need to spend this much time questioning and defending it. You may not want to, and it will be hard, but if you were my friend or sister, I would tell you to end it. You should be happy and feel like the best version of yourself with the person you marry. If you don't, then you know what you should do.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-18011496116718439002014-01-10T19:35:00.465-08:002014-01-10T19:35:00.465-08:00Run little rabbit. You're not happy, and you d...Run little rabbit. You're not happy, and you deserve to be. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-39460395668101732912014-01-10T14:52:18.028-08:002014-01-10T14:52:18.028-08:00I actually disagree, what I read was that the OP c...I actually disagree, what I read was that the OP curtailed her drinking, the guy quit... But he never re-engaged in anything in a happy way after that. No new interests, no interest in attending dinner parties and not drinking, no interest in seeing friends or making friends... I could be off, but I heard an issue in his recovery (sure, he's sober, but he's isolated himself.. sober in a vacuum isn't so sustainable..)<br /><br />just what I thought after reading the post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-55505568551968518842014-01-10T12:42:18.946-08:002014-01-10T12:42:18.946-08:00As somebody else has said, this makes my stomach h...As somebody else has said, this makes my stomach hurt. You're in a really difficult position but I'd agree with everyone here that whilst nothing is perfect, it shouldn't make you miserable. Like a lot of the others here I've been in a similar situation and broke up with someone who, whilst a lovely person, was not the person I wanted to spend my life with. He had helped me through an anxiety disorder and was always supportive. I hated hurting him but now, a couple of years on, he's with someone else and I'm back to the happy version of myself. If you leave you'll have a tough time for a while but you will come out the other side. If you stay and nothing changes you might feel as you do now for the rest of your life. It sounds like you have lots of people to support you there, and we're all rooting for you here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-65721836939237385532014-01-09T05:52:32.628-08:002014-01-09T05:52:32.628-08:00"Conversely, what if I am so blinded by the i..."Conversely, what if I am so blinded by the idea of "us" working the way I believe we are supposed to that I fail to recognize that "us" is destined for misery.. like all the time?<br />Because we are pretty much miserable. Almost all the time.<br />Jesus."<br /><br />This, my friend. I'm so sorry. I have been exactly where you are. But eventually my depression and misery with him were louder than the, "But we've been together for so long and this is just what life is" voice. Because this is not just what life is.<br /><br />It is NOT TRUE that "there are no more what ifs when you find the right one." FALSE<br /><br />There are always what ifs for some of us. One of the best and easiest tricks my therapist gave me when I was just dating my husband and was worried about all the stuff that wasn't "right" with us, was to ask myself a question, "Do I still like him more than I dislike him?" It sounds weird, but it forced me to look at the positives with him. I had to see the good if I was going to look at the bad. And because the good did and still very much does outweigh the bad, it has helped me tremendously on seeing things clearly. <br /><br />You aren't happy. In trying to justify your relationship and defend your fiance, you can't even keep up the facade. One of the clues I wish I'd picked up on earlier in my own situation, was people who are in the right relationship, usually don't go on the internet looking for articles on how to end their long term relationships. You're here asking strangers to tell you something you already know. Which is totally fine, we all need that sometimes. But you asked, so you should listen to what we've said and overwhelmingly, we've said it sounds like you should leave. So, take that for what its worth.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-78002030131446012382014-01-09T01:25:36.834-08:002014-01-09T01:25:36.834-08:00Do you want to live the rest of your life asking y...Do you want to live the rest of your life asking yourself these questions? That kind of uncertainty is no way to live. <br /><br />It's hard when you're in it, but you need to listen to that teeny tiny voice or instinct inside you that knows what the truth is. <br /><br />Also, it's okay to acknowledge that he has been there for you when you needed him. That doesn't mean you have to be with him forever. My ex-boyfriend supported me tremendously through a health crisis, and I'll always be grateful for that. He was great in those moments, but that doesn't mean he was the right one to marry. I had a lot of what if questions when I ended things with him, but somewhere inside me I knew that I had to. And now, on the other side of all of that, I am so thankful that I did. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-70632599074409507702014-01-08T22:03:05.229-08:002014-01-08T22:03:05.229-08:00Sorry to say, but there are no more "what ifs...Sorry to say, but there are no more "what ifs" when you meet the right one for you. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-3837269619598146412014-01-08T19:39:10.191-08:002014-01-08T19:39:10.191-08:00OP here,
Thank you all so much for your thoughtf...OP here, <br /><br />Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and sometimes painfully bittersweet feedback. I think a lot of you are right, BUT I also think the things missing from this letter were my own vulnerabilities and failures in this situation. It's easy to blame, not easy to own up to your own bad behavior. I have taken a lot out on him. I have been struggling with some pretty intense depression for most of my life (more in the past two years than ever) and he has been the person who cooks me breakfast and makes me coffee when I can't get out of bed. He has held me on the floor when I can't stop crying. He has but up with the lions share of crazybitchface, mostly calmly and patiently. <br />More times than I can count. <br />He earnestly tries to be a better man and has learned SOME new tricks despite being a creature of habit (do the dishes when you dirty them, pick up the bathmat after use, put your toothbrush back in the mirror, you know, adult things that he never had to do before living with me...) He is kind and a good man, and I think I painted him as some sort of antisocial monster. <br /><br />(Re: his sobriety, not an as much of an issue other than how if effects his desire to socialize and his interest in certain types of outings.) <br /><br />I am not convinced I should leave him, but I'm not convinced I should stay either. Our life right now is about to drastically change when we move in July, and I am holding out hope at least through the summer. <br /><br />I know love is supposed to be this big overwhelming thing that you just "get" one day, but what if this is it for me? What if I'm too clouded by a bunch of arbitrary bs that I can't see him for who he really is? <br /><br />Conversely, what if I am so blinded by the idea of "us" working the way I believe we are supposed to that I fail to recognize that "us" is destined for misery.. like all the time? <br />Because we are pretty much miserable. Almost all the time. <br />Jesus. <br /><br />Nothing to be done. <br /><br />Now, rereading this all I feel like I am making excuses. <br />WHAT THE FUCK am I going to do?<br /><br />p.s. esb picked the most perfect collage ever. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-69002084470402775882014-01-08T16:35:19.466-08:002014-01-08T16:35:19.466-08:00DON'T SETTLE UNTIL YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO YOU FE...DON'T SETTLE UNTIL YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO YOU FEEL LIKE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF AROUND. Keep looking!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-5688647418897005512014-01-08T10:16:19.029-08:002014-01-08T10:16:19.029-08:00I married this guy, and toughed it out for 10 year...I married this guy, and toughed it out for 10 years. I thought maybe that was just what love was like. But it's not. It's so much better than that, and if you settle for this you will be miserable. He will be miserable. It's not fair to either of you. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-75721386006998228372014-01-07T20:45:53.145-08:002014-01-07T20:45:53.145-08:00my exboyfriend similarly emotionally manipulated m...my exboyfriend similarly emotionally manipulated me. it's strange since he wasn't actually that antisocial - he had lots of friends, but i didn't like them. and when i wanted to see my friends, he would manipulate me into spending time with him instead. there were other problems too. i kept thinking "relationships are work" and trying to stick with it, but when i finally broke up with him i felt so incredibly free to become "the best version of myself" (well, more like better). i found a wonderful wonderful man who i'm marrying this year. know that there is a world outside of your life with him where you can thrive.Color Me Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07843047500281718129noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-90583570154350801812014-01-07T17:20:02.254-08:002014-01-07T17:20:02.254-08:00It's so hard to have doubts while your heart i...It's so hard to have doubts while your heart is piping up "but I love him...."<br /><br />I was in your shoes and we parted ways. I still love him -- after two years of distance and an eventual re-friending -- but I don't have to live with him, nor he with me. <br /><br />It was brave of you to write. Best of luck.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10595494907833218390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-58631941032388898572014-01-07T15:12:30.364-08:002014-01-07T15:12:30.364-08:00I actually don't think this guy sounds awful. ...I actually don't think this guy sounds awful. What does sound awful is you two together. He sounds like my ideal guy. Introverted and no emo shit. You need more extroversion and emo shit. Its ok. Go find what you need. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-18147354648048057212014-01-07T14:17:11.534-08:002014-01-07T14:17:11.534-08:00RUN AWAY. RUN AWAAAAAAY.
I married this guy, or ...RUN AWAY. RUN AWAAAAAAY. <br /><br />I married this guy, or a similar, younger version of him. Our marriage lasted two and a half years. It was miserable, lonely, exhausting. I wish someone had told me that I could find something that made me totally and completely happy instead of sort of kind of happy. You can and will find someone who lights up your world. This guy isn't it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-41073676522180256662014-01-07T12:25:29.616-08:002014-01-07T12:25:29.616-08:00This! A lot of times women are taught to apologize...This! A lot of times women are taught to apologize for wanting "girly" things like romance or even just some damn attention and accommodation now and then. You're not high maintenance for wanting him to spend time picking out a ring for you and thinking about the way to give it to you. It's just something you might need out of a romantic relationship and that is 100% OK. Most people, male or female, need that romance and passion. Even the low key ones. Go find that. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-89363981603363479732014-01-07T10:43:42.733-08:002014-01-07T10:43:42.733-08:00Came to say exactly this. Better to call it off no...Came to say exactly this. Better to call it off now, or at least take a break. Maybe after some time apart you will both find that passion again, or maybe not. Either way continuing on and hoping things will magically change isn't going to work in the long run. Good luck! The ESB community has your back :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-83145079386675167822014-01-07T09:40:18.481-08:002014-01-07T09:40:18.481-08:00Run away before you have children and end up stuck...Run away before you have children and end up stuck! I see so many parallels to my life here, but I was too young and stubborn/stupid to heed the signs. Now we have a young child and, while I could leave, I'm here trying to fix things because 'almost right' seems too good to give up on in the face of such complications. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-60305559220281728712014-01-07T09:21:23.461-08:002014-01-07T09:21:23.461-08:00THIS. THIS. nicolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06751056646800096858noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-67294699167762190112014-01-07T08:48:39.769-08:002014-01-07T08:48:39.769-08:00Gosh so many red flags! Get out of there!
I agree...Gosh so many red flags! Get out of there!<br /><br />I agree with everything everyone been saying higher up, about how he makes you miserable, and how you have internalized a lot things. And how he won,t change unless he wants too, no mater how much potential you see in him.<br /><br />I think whats scares me is how emotionally manipulative his coming off has. How he seems to try to isolate you especially with the whole ring thing, giving it to you and hoping you'd stay around that night. How he refuses to go to social events, etc. To me that's a big red flag on top of everything else. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-72006508981483301202014-01-07T05:45:27.697-08:002014-01-07T05:45:27.697-08:00Shiri, what you wrote (You're not loving them,...Shiri, what you wrote (You're not loving them, you're loving what you want them to be.) is one I'm copying down right now. I have a friend going through a similar experience and at some point she is going to need to hear that. Well said!Amanda Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04370433555070676395noreply@blogger.com