tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post4966580279433911205..comments2024-03-24T23:51:25.945-07:00Comments on east side bride: How do I know if he's the one?esbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00215882729011442570noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-34907955722218330622012-11-21T10:18:59.507-08:002012-11-21T10:18:59.507-08:00Everyone tries to pretend they have the perfect re...Everyone tries to pretend they have the perfect relationship and tell you this and that to look for in a partner. I think it is BS. Every relationship has its goods and bads. Even the most perfect guy will give you BS ..you just have to decide if they are worth it. ..as far as the examples you mentioned ..i think these are really fixable problems ..just talk to your boyfriend about them ...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-68748877891887929302012-08-21T11:39:52.812-07:002012-08-21T11:39:52.812-07:00I think the esb's 'advice' is cold and...I think the esb's 'advice' is cold and potentially disastrous for a woman who clearly has issues with anxiety/obsessive thinking. Her THINKING (and consequent writing) does not in any way mean she does not love this man and want to marry him (when she feels ready). Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-32850854571844809232011-08-19T14:38:55.968-07:002011-08-19T14:38:55.968-07:00Starting law school definitely adds a layer of str...Starting law school definitely adds a layer of stress but if you're with someone who is your partner in life then you will get through it together. <br /><br />Although - now that I'm thinking about it - law school (or any stressful event) often triggers breakups if breakups are meant to be because they push couples to their breaking point. My boyfriend and I actually broke up during my second year of law school and we had had a solid relationship for several years prior. But this doesn't have to necessarily scare you- there were always doubts in our minds about whether we were supposed to be together. We were good together in many ways and similar to you- we couldn't imagine life without the other. And we could've probably made it work for a long time. But I think we knew something was missing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-51017732580031271832011-08-19T14:32:51.287-07:002011-08-19T14:32:51.287-07:00I think it's a bit hasty and offensive for peo...I think it's a bit hasty and offensive for people to dogmatically claim that the "you just know" is bullshit. How can you claim authoritatively that you know what someone else's experience is with a "you just know" ephiphony?<br /><br />I used to find myself more in the camp of people who doubted the "you just know" phenomenon but I was open minded and believed it probably did happen to others (in the same way that religious/ spiritual encounters happen for many people). But I was 99% sure it would/ could never happen for me. I am definitely one of those people who overthink/ obsess/ overanalyze everything. To put it lightly... I overanalyze things more than anyone I've ever met (not an understatement) and I hang out with some of the most intellectual, introspective, deep and analytical people around. <br /><br />And...although I don't know how it will all turn out...I believe I have experienced a "you just know" epiphony. It might turn out to be wrong because it's so early but I can tell you this... it is true that (for those to whom it happens) YOU JUST KNOW. This thought just popped into my head and there was no questioning it. It was a matter-of-fact thing- like it's going to happen with or without me (as if that's possible!). And it wasn't all giddy, girly and emotional...it was just like I had learned a new scientific fact and was like "oh...that's cool. now I know how that works." <br /><br />I hope this helps. I'm certainly not saying that these ephiphonies happen to everyone and who knows- maybe mine is BS (believe me- I'm obsessing and overanalyzing that too!) but it's unlike any experience I've ever had and I am proof that these things can happen to those who least expect it and who are least likely to believe it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-44998811083730534232011-05-22T15:57:21.084-07:002011-05-22T15:57:21.084-07:00I don't know about the "can you imagine l...I don't know about the "can you imagine life without him" bit either, though. I mean, I've got an imagination, that just doesn't work. Also, I thought I couldn't imagine life without my ex, but heyyyy, I've got it, it's pretty great.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12327712541492010519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-87436264863524072832011-04-16T23:17:42.654-07:002011-04-16T23:17:42.654-07:00...I moved on. I was upset, bitter, and am still ......I moved on. I was upset, bitter, and am still scarred from that time in my life.<br /><br />However. I am now engaged to a wonderful, brilliant man who popped the question after 8 months, to my complete surprise, because "it just felt right." We have lived together a year now, and we've even discussed what would happen if we broke up. In his mind, the only situation under which that would occur would be after interventions, multiple therapies, couples therapy, and every last resort was exercised. When we moved in it took me a long time to get over my prior-relationship-induced fear of cutting & running, but happy days are ahead, I am sure.<br /><br />Save yourself the trouble. Cut your losses. Figure it out. But don't do the same to him that Shit for Brains did to me. As Liz Lemon would say, "Talk it out before you walk it out."Emily Kanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00202698507695130130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-16025529042159294012011-04-16T23:13:41.497-07:002011-04-16T23:13:41.497-07:00I am late chiming in here, as there is already a s...I am late chiming in here, as there is already a spin-off thread I see.<br /><br />However. I had a boyfriend of 3.5 years who I WAS SURE TOTALLY was the one. At least, I thought I was. <br /><br />He did sweet, symbolic things like open doors for me.<br /><br />We never fought but he rarely truly communicated his feelings, either. <br /><br />The big similarity I see between your story and mine is "The last time we went to visit my parents, he read the paper all through lunch instead of engaging them in conversation." Mine would do the same damn thing.<br /><br />And then one day, with no warning as I was about to drive three hours out of town to visit two friends who were visiting internationally, and he just dropped the bomb on me. Broke up with me through charades - actually he got up, kept crying, and made me guess at what he was crying about. We'd just moved in together, and he was out by the time I got back that weekend. <br /><br />(tbc...)Emily Kanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00202698507695130130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-81438064311510298702011-04-12T23:14:00.015-07:002011-04-12T23:14:00.015-07:00p.s. Something I picked up on is the "suppose...p.s. Something I picked up on is the "supposed to" thing: supposed to just know, be friends with the FMIL, have parents be friends, have degrees, be happy with him & only him post-apocolypse, etc. You can just throw all of that out. It really comes down to such a simple thing as do you want to spend your life with him or not. Does he make you happy or feel more "alive", etc.FKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-80359268396277074502011-04-12T23:08:19.251-07:002011-04-12T23:08:19.251-07:00Just want to say your brains don't have to be ...Just want to say your brains don't have to be 100% alike, and stressing about decisions like this doesn't mean he's not "The One". Personally, I am all about finding a therapist and figuring shit like this out. You'll learn a lot about yourself and why you're reacting to different things. For me it was a life-changer. Good luck!!FKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-61504739857684209342011-04-12T15:03:53.889-07:002011-04-12T15:03:53.889-07:00@Anon 2:54 <3@Anon 2:54 <3east side bridehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06206689296805893265noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-16444140016987946592011-04-12T14:54:15.903-07:002011-04-12T14:54:15.903-07:00Oh lord. I am having a very similar issue right no...Oh lord. I am having a very similar issue right now, only complicated because we ARE engaged and we have a 3 year old daughter. My parents ( who are the most supportive people in the world) just let me know that they have a spare bedroom and daycare set up if I want to leave him and go back to college. He is not supportive of me in the way I need to be supported. Financially, it's always separate, and everything must be halved. Though his half is far superior to mine. He is lovely, and a wonderful father and...I am...having a hard time right now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-2056762527628548522011-04-12T13:54:44.407-07:002011-04-12T13:54:44.407-07:00That law school bit at the end compelled me to com...That law school bit at the end compelled me to comment: Coming from a lawyer (A baby one, working at a brand new legal job with brand new student loans to pay...) I met my absolute favorite person in the world while in law school (my FH).... But here's the thing.. If you aren't meant to be, F*k your stupid laundry list, bc Law school will break you up. It's the most miserable 3 years you'll probably ever spend, (totally do-able, yes, you're not like, curing cancer or anything, but it's boring as hell and a lot of work)... POINT BEING -- If you aren't with someone that makes you crazy happy, the bad times are probably going to do your dirty work for you. <br /><br />So relax! By the end of your first semester you'll be taking that Civ. Pro. Final with a side of break-up sauce, just like the rest of us did... Or you and your bf will be togeth. forev. .. Either way.Mackenziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15349899439775416886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-296893739406323042011-04-12T07:42:50.301-07:002011-04-12T07:42:50.301-07:00what T-bone said. also, if you have good communica...what T-bone said. also, if you have good communication, you should be able to bring up the things that matter (like him reading a newspaper during dinner with your family, wtf?) and have a discussion. If he can communicate properly, and so can you, then that's a team right there. If something like that bothers you (which it seems to), then you should be able to talk about it. If he blows you off or refuses to discuss, then there are some serious issues to be worked out between the two of you. Mutual respect is a must.<br /><br />Love and marriage are choices made by two people. With the right person, you feel like a team. And that is so, so vitally important. Don't make any major decisions right now. To whoever commented above saying that you should take some time alone, I second that.chesapeakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09641371045919531080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-77006568410336781162011-04-11T16:39:18.156-07:002011-04-11T16:39:18.156-07:00As a fellow 1L (with an awesome boyfriend of 4+ ye...As a fellow 1L (with an awesome boyfriend of 4+ years), I can truly say that this first year in a law school is a serious test to relationships. School is so stressful and irritating, it's hard to be rational with the other great people in your life. Believe me. I have moments where I want to punch him in the balls (awkwardly too violent? my b.) for something so minor as leaving enough cereal in the box for me.<br /><br /> I think making a decision this early in your law school career might be a mistake. 1L is just the worst! I would wait at least through this summer and if you still think he's not your favorite person in the world to be with- THEN maybe it's time to cut and run . But otherwise, I would try to accept this time in your life (in law school) is unlike any other. The stress is on a deeper, subconscious level. Things you wouldn't otherwise pick at just itch.<br /><br />And one great reason I know there's hope: a friend (who I met through my bf) and a recent law school grad briefly began to date her current husband her 1L year. Broke up with him because she didn't have the patience or time to deal with him. A few months later she realized what an amazing person he was. I went to their wedding last summer, and I can truly say that seeing their love like that was just beautiful.<br /><br />Moral of the story. Stick out a little longer. 1L stress f's with your brain.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-52047951290636985422011-04-11T14:42:33.660-07:002011-04-11T14:42:33.660-07:00Some people will "just know" and some pe...Some people will "just know" and some people will never know for 100% certainty. <br /><br />You've been living together for 3.5 years and you still like each other, and that says something. <br /><br />Read the APW post mentioned above, and if all else fails, I totally endorse Lauren's tie breaker.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10211797571405802312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-84722554112931822372011-04-11T13:22:39.624-07:002011-04-11T13:22:39.624-07:00To reiterate what some others have said: check out...To reiterate what some others have said: check out the APW post on doubt.<br /><br />(http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/08/weddings-marriage-love-anxiety/<br /><br />Also: in my view the whole bit about THE ONE and JUST KNOWING is bullshit. As a nerdy scholar, I can tell you exactly when and where those ideas appeared. (Hint: not at the dawn of humanity). They are cultural constructs, not eternal realities. <br /><br />HOWEVER some people are good at feeling certain, and those people might have the experience of JUST KNOWING because they believe that stuff happens. And more power to them I say! (Though I'm not sure it makes them less likely to get divorced than the rest of us). I myself am a fearful and bookish doubter, so I have never and will never have that experience. My man and I got married even though both of us scoff at the whole THE ONE idea. We are happy that we did. <br /><br />I saw one of those cheesy wedding write-ups in the NYT once that articulated a nice sentiment about this; the minister marrying the couple said to them during the ceremony: "Love is a choice. So choose to love."fledanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-8776780556451959002011-04-11T12:34:04.341-07:002011-04-11T12:34:04.341-07:00There are weekends that go by (like this past one)...There are weekends that go by (like this past one) where my husband and I don't go out with friends, don't see family....we just hang out with each other.....and almost don't even realize we've been isolated until the weekend is over. We're not tired of each other because he's my best friend. We're building a home, a life and a family together. If you don't feel like he's your teammate then he's not the one for you. You shouldn't expect him to fulfill your every need, but like ESB said....making the list makes me think you don't want to marry this guy."T-Bone" Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00388295799913646592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-68350331700630705812011-04-11T12:26:27.317-07:002011-04-11T12:26:27.317-07:00ONE time i started to mentally make a laundry list...ONE time i started to mentally make a laundry list. "Can I live with these things forever?" was my thought process...until the thought crossed after item #1, so what would we do, break up? my NEVER teary eyes swelled up and i couldn't breathe...i couldn't imagine life without him...now everytime i think "what if we weren't together" in some weird day i lose it just a bit...everything falls and i want to just hug him and kiss him and never let go kind of thing...not puppy love...but the feeling accounts for something, you know? the commitment is what keeps me with him even on days when i say "DAMN YOU!" to everything he does...but the feeling let me know it was the right thing, you know?lizziehttp://loveyourway.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-14609925000470838202011-04-11T11:59:44.850-07:002011-04-11T11:59:44.850-07:00if you look at your life, and you can imagine him ...if you look at your life, and you can imagine him not being in it, then he's probably not "the one". i don't believe in soul mates, or matching up perfectly, but i do 100% believe that if i were to lose my current fiance, i would be absolutely beyond devastated. he makes me want to be a better person, and hopefully, i do the same for him. i'm not so sure you feel the same.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-64003727188544632882011-04-11T11:19:11.126-07:002011-04-11T11:19:11.126-07:00no one person will be able to full fill all of yo...no one person will be able to full fill all of your needs. no one is perfect; no husband, no parent NO ONE. we all fall short of expectations, we all love in an imperfect nature. but that's relationships. you take the shit with the good. think long and hard, make an educated decision. ask a good girlfriend. none of us know you or your relationships, but i can say that no relationship is perfect and the whole "The ONE" thing is just BS. don't settle, and cut it off now if you're not happy, but don't put expectations on him or yourself to have everything be perfection. love him with grace.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-44360823911650087942011-04-11T10:14:12.518-07:002011-04-11T10:14:12.518-07:00I love my boyfriend to pieces. I think I will prob...I love my boyfriend to pieces. I think I will probably marry him some day. But this weekend? When I was PMSing and he had this big test he was cranky about, and then he woke me up in the middle of the night with his stupid night mumbles and middle of the bed stealing? I could have choked him. Doesn't make the love stuff less real. Just makes it love in real life. <br /><br />I think there are some things to think about when you consider getting married. Is he your first serious boyfriend? The first one you have been with for years plural, the first one you have lived with? Also have you lived on your own after high school or college? <br /><br />If you have had one or more boyfriends for 2 or more years, or were ready to marry someone else who broke your heart/ if you have lived with someone else, and lived on your own, then you already have a good idea of what adult relationships feel like. In that case I think you can mourn the difference between real love and movie love and move on, with your uncertainty and love. <br /><br />But if you really have only been with him, and you feel pressure because your friends are getting married and you guys have been together a long time and live together...that's a different scene. For me, even if my first serious boyfriend that I lived with had been a perfect partner, I don't think I could have lived with the doubt I had about what else was out there, because it would have been the wrong time in my life to be married. I had to go look around to figure out who I was and what I wanted for my own life.Ehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17541450132640171365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-30100809920651108512011-04-11T06:30:13.412-07:002011-04-11T06:30:13.412-07:00It isn't a pluses and minuses equation. It isn...It isn't a pluses and minuses equation. It isn't if there is a nuclear war and he's the only person left on earth will you feel equally happy (umm, in what universe do we expect one person surviving to make nuclear fallout ok? Don't put that burden on anyone.). It isn't about sharing a brain. That's actually boring, and I think it's nice if you can have different space--like if you're the academic one and he's the creative one you don't compete with each other in those areas.<br /><br />And do not worry about the parent stuff. Your parents do not have to be friends or even like each other or even really do anything more than be capable of being polite at occasional family gatherings. You need to be able to tolerate his family, but you don't need to feel close them. Honestly, most people are not super close to their in-laws.<br /><br />But. If you want to marry this guy, the stuff that matters is more about the every day, the living together, the enjoying each other's company. At the end of the day, is this a person you want to come home to? Does he do the dishes (or whatever chores you really can't stand). Does he make you feel loved? Does he pay whatever bills he's responsible for on time? Does he treat wait staff with respect? Is he willing to talk to you about the punching the wall stuff and maybe work on stopping it? Are you willing to work on whatever habits you have that annoy him?<br /><br />He may or may not be someone you want to marry. You have to figure that out for yourself. You have to figure out if the thought of breaking up and moving on to an unknowable future is more appealing than the thought of waking up next to this guy every morning for the rest of your life. When you know the answer to that question, you know the answer to the marriage question.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-79839507598538271932011-04-11T00:50:10.633-07:002011-04-11T00:50:10.633-07:00Allow me to quote Dan Savage..."There is no &...Allow me to quote Dan Savage..."There is no 'one.' There's a .64, and maybe if you're lucky a .67 that you round up to one."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-29830844811289001182011-04-10T21:50:48.649-07:002011-04-10T21:50:48.649-07:00Hey Crazytown - I wouldn't be worried that you...Hey Crazytown - I wouldn't be worried that you've made a list of your guy's flaws. I think the fact that you made a list merely means that you're a list-making kind of gal (I am too!), not that it's some sort of Evil Omen of Your Relationship Being Wrongggg. <br /><br />Also, someone said there must be something wrong because you shared said list with strangers. Um, strangers are exactly the people I dish all of my secrets to, all the time. Because my friends and family have vested interests in me and my guy, it's a lot easier to get my thoughts out to random people who are in no way affected by my rambling trains of thought.<br /><br />My main concern for you is that you're reading all of these comments. Get all of our voices out of your head, right now. Including mine. Everyone experiences life differently, everyone experiences love differently. "Just knowing" does happen to some people, some of the time. But it's not a necessary condition for a happy life or real love. Love is a growing thing, it doesn't always just slap you right away.Rishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17716829338991638874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-48338734200539169132011-04-10T21:39:21.908-07:002011-04-10T21:39:21.908-07:00Yeah, sounds like you need some time to yourself t...Yeah, sounds like you need some time to yourself to think about your life. Imagine him <i>not</i> in it. Are ya heartbroken or better off? Seems like you're putting too much pressure on the whole typical movie expectations of "when you know, you know".JESSICA DEFINEhttp://hellodefine.comnoreply@blogger.com