tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post3507284299566585514..comments2024-03-24T23:51:25.945-07:00Comments on east side bride: How do you say "I don't want to be your bridesmaid" without ruining the friendship?esbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00215882729011442570noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-70452628745919402382012-02-17T11:51:02.890-08:002012-02-17T11:51:02.890-08:00this answer is amazing.this answer is amazing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-74700624815635901282012-02-15T18:20:56.284-08:002012-02-15T18:20:56.284-08:00When I got engaged one of my best lady friends got...When I got engaged one of my best lady friends got really drunk and just begged me not to make her a bridesmaid. She offered to be a guest book attendant, a reader, my day of manager, just anything but a bridesmaid. I didn't think anything of it. We are still friends and she is not my bridesmaid.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-33643161307496322042012-02-15T14:24:32.817-08:002012-02-15T14:24:32.817-08:00This doesn't always work. Trust me.This doesn't always work. Trust me.Kieranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-554932655208240702012-02-15T10:46:27.900-08:002012-02-15T10:46:27.900-08:00Having only ever been a groomsman before, I don...Having only ever been a groomsman before, I don't really understand what bridesmaids are expected to actually <em>do</em>. My best friend was my maid of honor, and she did a shit-load of stuff (we did a lot of it together, and she loves me, so it was fun) but my other two bridesmaids were my husband's sisters and all they really did was show up to things we invited them to (shower, fittings, stuff like that) and pay for their dress (which, yeah, I guess that sucks, but they were under $100 - forgive me please!)nikkihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06118368189622576399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-28658956739060877462012-02-15T10:27:03.970-08:002012-02-15T10:27:03.970-08:00I completely agree with you (and don't see the...I completely agree with you (and don't see the comment as antagonistic at all) - but as it was my sister, it's also the kind of person who might be completely offended if I didn't ask her - thus I asked but also gave her the ability to bow out gracefully.<br /><br />I'm not resentful about it, it's just within the context of this conversation I think it's better to be honest (but gracious) than grit your teeth and bare it, as people can often see through that.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18437959136053836158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-80817370160954589762012-02-15T09:00:36.410-08:002012-02-15T09:00:36.410-08:00I don't mean this to be antagonistic, but if y...I don't mean this to be antagonistic, but if you have to preface the question with 'I know you might not be up for being a bridesmaid,' I think you probably already knew they didn't want to be attendants. <br /><br />It's not easy to say no! Maybe brides should think twice before they do the asking. I think the problem stems from having 12 or 13 bridesmaids. What's with that?<br /><br />I'm having 4 of my girls stand up with me this Summer, which means I can actually afford to cover shoes, bags, bling, and hair. I'm with UK up there--if you're (and I mean this as a general comment) going to ask someone to be a part of your wedding, and you really care about them, you should pay for some of this stuff yourself. Maybe then they wouldn't be resentful and flaky.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05605781438833922113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-45079836089099030352012-02-15T08:27:53.145-08:002012-02-15T08:27:53.145-08:00Cancelling a few weeks before is kind of a tough t...Cancelling a few weeks before is kind of a tough thing for the bride. If you opted out initially she'd be able to a) replace you (not that you are replaceable! but maybe there is someone else she would have asked but didn't, etc...) or b) plan around your absence... Just a thought.Mackenziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15349899439775416886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-87912065727660457332012-02-15T08:26:24.335-08:002012-02-15T08:26:24.335-08:00Ha! Fair enough. Yes, you have every right to opt ...Ha! Fair enough. Yes, you have every right to opt out because your financial priorities don't include buying hideous and uncomfortable $200 jeweled sandals for a BEACH ceremony that will immediately be ruined.... I'm just saying if you do say you don't have the money and it's really that you DO have the money but you would rather spend it on other things (and more power to you...) a better opt-out might be just that you have other commitments, etc.. Because I can see that situation causing some strain. Since I'm planning my own wedding right now, I can definitely vouch that at first, everyone wants a "low-key" affair... (I do!) But as planning goes along, what is low-key for the bride can wind costing more for everyone else.Mackenziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15349899439775416886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-15754325303840816502012-02-15T08:26:09.363-08:002012-02-15T08:26:09.363-08:00Definitely agree with this. If you can't/don&#...Definitely agree with this. If you can't/don't want to be a bridesmaid fine, but don't be a coward about it and bow out after you've already said yes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-27422155486775204592012-02-15T07:43:40.414-08:002012-02-15T07:43:40.414-08:00Agree with this 100%, having been a bridesmaid sev...Agree with this 100%, having been a bridesmaid several times and planning myself. A supportive friend during the planning / partying / occasional stress is what's important. If you can do this, but can't afford/don't want to be a bridesmaid I say explain it. Gently. If you're close enough for her to want you to be a bridesmaid you should be close enough to to have this conversation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-30717614457860077062012-02-15T04:50:33.376-08:002012-02-15T04:50:33.376-08:00EXACTLY.EXACTLY.17 beats.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13010462456433196213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-49980234070648692202012-02-15T04:12:12.512-08:002012-02-15T04:12:12.512-08:00I'm 100% in the "be honest but kind"...I'm 100% in the "be honest but kind" camp. I had two bridesmaids who, looking back, just didn't want to be bridesmaids. I asked them in a really "Hey, I know you might not be up for being a bridesmaid, but if you're up for it, I'd love you to be one" way, but apparently they found it too hard to say no. Believe me - if you know a girl well enough to want her to be a part of a day like that, you know when her heart's not in it (especially if, as in my case, she's your baby sister...)<br /><br />I would much have preferred they'd just said a few months prior to the wedding that they'd prefer not to have any responsibilities, rather than making me feel awkward on the day.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18437959136053836158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-25992159581575943932012-02-15T00:57:23.462-08:002012-02-15T00:57:23.462-08:00exactly! bridesmaids are doing you a great big fav...exactly! bridesmaids are doing you a great big favour and that's why in the UK the bride and groom foot the bill for them to be a part of it. <br /><br />take note bridezillas - if you were paying, would you rethink some of your demands and choices? I thought so.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-54741685421423726572012-02-15T00:04:35.875-08:002012-02-15T00:04:35.875-08:00The more comments I read, the more I appreciate th...The more comments I read, the more I appreciate the English way of doing this. If the bride is paying for the frock, make-up etc, she's only going to ask someone she actually really likes/values to be a bridesmaid.<br /><br />If you're asking someone who is genuinely one of your closest friends, chances are she's less likely to resent spending time helping you plan, or forking out a few hundred pounds on a hen weekend.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-52402681875840453662012-02-14T23:28:24.149-08:002012-02-14T23:28:24.149-08:00Good grief how I wish I had said no!!!!!
What I r...Good grief how I wish I had said no!!!!!<br /><br />What I really wanted was to bail on the friendship and I was too much of a coward to go through the grief of saying no to an overbearing person who had just become engaged.<br /><br />There was an engagement brunch with girls<br />An engagement party with the two families<br />A bachleorette weekend in Las Vegas<br />A bridal shower<br />A Rehearsal luncheon<br />A day trip to the spa<br />and finally a dinner with the girls again the night before the wedding<br /><br />Plus the $300 bridemaid dress.....<br /><br />I finally began saying no to events as did a few other people. It was all too much. But even now in her everyday there seems to be a party or celebration for everything and I'm saying 'no' to everything now so she gets the message that I'm no longer riding the party train.<br /><br />Future brides, please don't do this to people.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-46135075011397380132012-02-14T18:01:32.565-08:002012-02-14T18:01:32.565-08:00This happened to me, too . . . almost exactly. Th...This happened to me, too . . . almost exactly. There's a reason they call it a gut reaction, it takes guts to say what you're really thinking.Ashleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01120327296998647108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-83036247967113601922012-02-14T15:39:34.424-08:002012-02-14T15:39:34.424-08:00Yeah, I think the answer is "You don't.&q...Yeah, I think the answer is "You don't." This happened with a pair of my friends just recently and, predictably, they are no longer friends.Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12162110766373517916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-49772203356334932022012-02-14T14:56:21.237-08:002012-02-14T14:56:21.237-08:00This. I had to opt out of being a maid of 1 weddin...This. I had to opt out of being a maid of 1 wedding b/c I had too much on my plate when I was asked to do it. My friend understood and we're still friends. I didn't lie to her, I told her the truth that I would love to be in her wedding but I wouldn't be able to participate because of the reasons given. I told her things may change, but for the time being they didn't seem like they would (and they didn't).<br /><br />I think if the friendship is a true one (lol sorry for the cheese rn) it will last, but if it doesn't b/c one of the parties takes offense then it's probably for the best they both part ways.Ms Dictatorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14659306448615236798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-44241391554786546352012-02-14T14:49:39.249-08:002012-02-14T14:49:39.249-08:00I had the opposite issue. I "fired" two ...I had the opposite issue. I "fired" two bridesmaids. I didn't make a big drama out of it; I just told them that it seemed like to me that whatever little I required of them to be bridesmaids (buy the (inexpensive) dress and show up in time for the rehearsal dinner), they didn't seem like they had time to do. (I said it nicer.) I told them I still loved them as friends and looked forward to seeing them at the wedding. One took the easy out and said, you're right! I don't have time. Thanks for being so easy about it and the other waffled (which pissed me off--totally unnecessarily stressful for both of us. Just take the out!) but ended up not being a bridesmaid. <br /><br />Honestly, and I don't know about other brides, but I think if you're sincere and make up some plausible bullshit (it sucks to be told I just don't like you so I don't want to be your bridesmaid), like I'm just to busy to do being a bridesmaid justice, I'm honored being asked, I hope this won't negatively impacted our friendship, etc., etc. A bride would be stupid to not accept this. Weddings are dramatic as is; only idiots want more drama.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-21020539766554024222012-02-14T14:33:55.650-08:002012-02-14T14:33:55.650-08:00I definitely think you can say "no"--but...I definitely think you can say "no"--but say it when the bride FIRST ASKS YOU. I've been in numerous bridal parties where bridesmaids jumped ship about halfway through. I think if you initially say "Yes", commit to that (barring any horrible extraneous circumstances, of course).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-59730422521044770952012-02-14T14:05:33.258-08:002012-02-14T14:05:33.258-08:00The one time this happened for me I told my friend...The one time this happened for me I told my friend (honestly) that I just could not be the type of bridesmaid she deserved. She totally understood that there was no room in my finances or my schedule for me to do all those bridesmaidy things. I also made it very clear that I loved her and wanted to be there for her as much as was possible. She sweetly allowed me to take on hostess duties at the reception and invited me to hang with her and the maids while they got ready before the ceremony. It worked out beautifully - she got the level of attention she deserved, I still got to contribute, and we are still great friends.Never A Plain Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00663921921684385606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-50562130062231362722012-02-14T13:36:48.720-08:002012-02-14T13:36:48.720-08:00This is not this difficult. Answer, yes or no. Eit...This is not this difficult. Answer, yes or no. Either the person is a friend and understands or they aren't a friend and YOU SHOULD NOT CARE.<br /><br />Why is this so much simpler for guys? <br /><br />But do what Molly said, "for god's sake be gracious about it."Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06761422201906206218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-86357589793790564902012-02-14T13:16:47.931-08:002012-02-14T13:16:47.931-08:00I think a lot of it depends on why you decline. If...I think a lot of it depends on why you decline. If the bride is a good and reasonable person, she'll understand if you've got money issues or are overwhelmed with other obligations. (If she doesn't understand, she's a bitch and you shouldn't bother keeping the friendship anyhow.) But if you're declining because you can't support the marriage or you hate the groom, that might be a friendship-ender.<br /><br />And if you're gonna say no, for god's sake, be gracious about it.Mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11198635511796593911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-83174652181618902942012-02-14T12:58:09.762-08:002012-02-14T12:58:09.762-08:00How about being honest? If there is enough of a pe...How about being honest? If there is enough of a perception of closeness for her to ask you to be in their wedding, there should also be some level of understanding. I bowed out of an old friend's wedding - gracelessly, mind you - due to financial concerns AND the fact that I didn't really think we were that close any more. And I told her both of those things. The amazing result? We've made effort to rekindle our friendship and are now closer than the years before she got married. I'm aware that this won't always be the end result, but why are we perpetuating this fake-ass bullshit surrounding weddings?eRiNhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16865710064975192266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-86625783277773785252012-02-14T12:38:04.985-08:002012-02-14T12:38:04.985-08:00It's probably not recommendable in all situati...It's probably not recommendable in all situations but getting pregnant I've learned strikes you off of everyone's bridesmaid list. I actually got un-asked for getting pregnant.AliBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13824240723424921281noreply@blogger.com